You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

By Leopold Mendacious

I felt a disturbance, as if a thousand Gooners suddenly called out and then fell silent.  As one, they called 'Leopold'. I have heard their cry in this desperate time, and I come with words of solace and of hope.

My main hope is that Denilson stays. Spies at the training ground tell me he has almost perfected his...

by Leopold Mendacious

All or nothing for the old devil Arsene and his imps now. Have they got the evil and cunning within them that they need to get them past the winning post first?

Arsene sold his Franco-German soul to Satan for a chance at the title. Old Nick drives a hard bargain, though, and on Saturday he sent one of his hideous underlings to exact payment on Arsenal by taking part of Ramsey’s leg off.

By first Sea Lord Leopold Mendacious 

Welcome, Andrei Arshavin

He’s no Vladimir Petrovic, but he’ll do.

I always liked our previous signing from mother Russia, the Ukranian Oleg Luhzny. His crazy galloping runs and Playmobil hair helped fill the gap left by Lee Dixon.

Will fans flock to matches to see our new Czar? Do they care enough, anymore? I have been watching old tapes of Tony...

Transfer time is a great time. Anything is possible. Fans will latch onto any rumours.

Last week a man bit into a pie and found the likeness of Jimmy Bullard revealed in the gravy.

Since then people have been flocking to see the pie, and it has been interpreted as a sign that he will definitely join Arsenal.

His agent is rumoured to be tying up the loose ends of the deal which involve reproducing his image in pastry-based products.

I heard a shocking piece of gossip from a well-placed source at Arsenal. Usually I don’t listen to this kinda stuff, but it matches up with other snippets I’ve heard.

Arsenal are at a new place in their evolution, a place where they’ve never been before.

Like the mythological king, I have returned to rescue my people in the hour of their need

I hope you had a good Christmas and New Year, readers.

Arsene Wenger is like Sean Connery in the ‘Man Who Would be King’