2009 - The Facts

Transfer time is a great time. Anything is possible. Fans will latch onto any rumours.

Last week a man bit into a pie and found the likeness of Jimmy Bullard revealed in the gravy.

Since then people have been flocking to see the pie, and it has been interpreted as a sign that he will definitely join Arsenal.

His agent is rumoured to be tying up the loose ends of the deal which involve reproducing his image in pastry-based products.

Has Arsene’s team been found out like a fake Rolex? It looked great for a while, kept good time and did the job.

But when it started to go wrong, opening it up to fix it revealed that loads of the parts were of poor quality.

The problem is, where can you get parts to fix an imitation of the real thing?

Over Christmas I didn’t think much about Arsenal. Mrs M(Mk II) has her birthday on the 24th, so we celebrated her turning 16.

Mrs M (Mk I) still hasn’t been found, and Interpol have officially closed their files. Frankly, it’s a relief.

We celebrated (the birthday, not Mrs M’s misfortune) by watching some old Woody Allen films on Betamax. You can keep your blu-ray! This old hippy prefers the warm look you get from magnetic tape.

On New Year I started my resolution to keep fit, by swimming up the Thames from Southend to Maidenhead.

I was accompanied by my friend Gawain, a keen naturalist. We were both impressed by the wildlife we saw in the river. In the bad old days the Thames was empty, but this time we saw dead dogs and cats, some dead birds including a hawk of some sort, and even a dead seal!

Not bad for a river that some said would never have animals in it again.

When I got home that night there was a message from my friend Joan. She’s heard that Dennis Bergkamp had been seen scaling the glass walls of Ashburton Grove like a blond spider in the dead of  night.

Could the Dutch legend be making a comeback? I think it’s almost certain, readers! Don’t you????