Arsene Wenger - Trawlerman.

Arsene Wenger is like Sean Connery in the ‘Man Who Would be King’

For a long time he has been perceived as a god by the Highbury natives

NOW IS AURA IS DIMMING

Injuries to key players haven’t helped

Nor has a perplexing lack of player respect

Too many first teamers question Arsene’s decisions

Or openly rub up against other clubs, like cats in heat

Still, Wenger knows what he has to do

IT’S TIME TO RETURN TO BASICS, GET HIS NET, AND DREDGE UP SOME NEW TALENT

Like a marine biologist, AW has always had a gift for finding life in the most unlikely rock pools

Lifting up a stone here, brushing aside some seaweed there, he’s revealed the fragile creatures hiding away beneath

He’s been able to carefully build them a new environment where they can thrive

In some cases, lifting and moving such delicate animals has been the hardest part

When he brought Thierry over from Juve he had to get a specially constructed jam jar made, filled with brine.

With some players it’s even more complicated.

APPARENTLY JOSE REYES DOESN’T EVEN REALISE HE’S LEFT SPAIN!

He thinks he’s in a suburb of Bilbao, with a large British ex-pat population

All the Arsenal players and staff are in on the illusion, apart from Sol

The philosophical centre-half has recently published a manifesto in which he declares all life is an illusion

HE ALSO POINTS OUT THAT THE REAL REASON RAY PARLOUR LEFT WAS THAT THEY FELL OUT OVER QUESTIONS OF THE DIVINE

The Romford Pele, a deeply religious man, insisted on keeping a spiritual adviser in his locker

Sol, who sat next to him, objected to the bits of sacrifice that Ray’s guru kept dropping on to his Dolce and Gabbana suits

Matters came to a head when Ray saw Sol throwing away what he thought were the holy remains St Peter’s knuckles

Sol insisted it was only a bit of KFC, but the damage was done

Arsene decided to move Ray on for the sake of harmony. Ray didn’t want to go.

He approached the Vatican to intervene in his case

But the FA declared that Rome had no jurisdiction at Soho Square, and the transfer went ahead.

Ironically, I hear that Ray has now lost his faith.

Don’t lose yours, readers – no one will hand it in.