Disgusting.

I hope you had a good Christmas and New Year, readers.

Did you get good gifts?

I WAS DISAPPOINTED WITH MY PRESENTS THIS YEAR

Mrs M bought me a javelin.

I also received, anonymously, a collection of outrageous and shameful erotica

I was so disgusted that I have ordered extra copies for friends whom I know will be equally appalled.

Things are a bit rocky at Arsenal at the moment.

Last night I bumped into Eddie McGoldrick at my local

Fans will remember when signing Eddie from the Eagles showed our ambition

Nowadays, of course, Arsenal strut a bigger stage with signings like Cygan and Hleb

Eddie told me that the game had been kinda cruel to him

He didn't land a cushy coaching job, but instead had to rely on his wits to make his way

In his break from cleaning the toilets I bought Ed a pint

He had a helluva lot to say about his old club

And some radical ideas

We agreed that our many of our players were too callow, and need to step from boy to manhood

WE DISAGREED OVER THE BEST WAY TO DO THIS, THOUGH

I reckoned we should look to ancient tribal customs to change youths into warriors.

Cesc and Flamini should be made to hunt, naked, in Finsbury Park

Eddie believed we should sign seasoned pros to bring on the younger players, namely himself

I GOTTA SAY, I LAUGHED AT THIS

This didn't go down too well, and Eddie came at me with his mop

My Mossad training kicked in and I had him pinned between my thighs in seconds

Lucky I didn't have my javelin on me

I'd spent 20 minutes trying to fit in into my wallet before giving up and going to the pub

The barman, Kirk Brandon, diffused the whole scene by offering us each a drink and the new Spear of Destiny CD

It's not very good