Knife-edge transfer action!

I heard a shocking piece of gossip from a well-placed source at Arsenal. Usually I don’t listen to this kinda stuff, but it matches up with other snippets I’ve heard.

Back in 2000, Arsene took a call from Zidane – not his agent, but the man himself, who said he wanted to come to Highbury. David Dein immediately took control, and negotiations were straightforward. ZZ wanted to come, wages weren’t a problem and Arsene was over the moon.

Apparently Pires went mad when he heard though – he’s always hated Zidane as he felt he blocked him in the French team. He went to see the boss, but Arsene was adamant that Zidane was coming.

So Pires stormed out his office and went to the changing rooms, where he waited. When Thierry came in, Robert grabbed him and produced a knife he’d got from the kitchen. He held it to Henry’s t…

FORGET THAT! Today is transfer deadline day, and I’m here to bring you all the moves, gossip and tittle-tattle that you won’t get anywhere else.

That’s because I’ve got my secret special Mendacious-mic rigged up to eavesdrop on the clandestine communications system that agents and football clubs use.

What a lot of people don’t realise is that, like the Illuminati, football clubs have their own hidden way of exchanging information via a global network which the rest of the world knows nothing about.

By cleverly adapting everyday football-related objects into communication devices, they can plot all day long without anyone suspecting anything. For example, did you know that goalkeeper gloves are actually miniaturised satellite dish receivers? As the game has gone global, more and more distant signals need to be received and sent, as clubs spring up in China and Africa and the East. That’s why goalie gloves have got bigger over the years.

There are also non-verbal signals that clubs know and teach their players. For example, when you see a player getting a drink during a game, watch how they do it.

If they put the bottle in their mouth, that means they are happy at the club and are satisfied with their current wages and status.

But if they squirt the water into their mouth from a distance of a few inches, this is signalling to watching agents that they are receptive to hearing about interest from other clubs.

And if they squirt the water in their mouth then over their head and neck as well, this is signalling that they are unhappy and they want out – they are literally washing away their association with the club publicly.

Armed with this knowledge, and my specialist equipment, I’ve set myself up in my listening post to report back to you. And I can bring you these EXCLUSIVES

Warren Barton is Joey Barton’s DAD!

Scolari is trying to get DECO to grow a moustache, but he’s refusing as it will make him look too much like Charlie Chaplin. It’s a standoff. He could be dropped!

Steven Gerrard isn’t injured in a traditional sense – his hair grew so low it actually started to grow out of his eyes. He’s locked in a room with Phil Thompson and some clippers somewhere in Liverpool.

ARSENAL won’t sign anyone. Wenger tried to get a midfielder, but was only prepared to pay using pre-war Francs! Could this be why it is so rare for him to sign players, as no agent in his right mind will accept this tender?

Morrisey has bought a share in Sheffield Wednesday. “I’ve always loved the Owls”, he claims, “and The boy with the thorn in his side was about David Hirst. Although that was actually one of the injuries he never sustained”.

Sepp Blatter has offered WIGAN a thousand pounds to spend the night with Emile Heskey. The cash-strapped club are considering it. If they accept, expect Emile to be out for a few weeks with a mysterious groin injury.

UEFA are secretly increasing the size of the goals that English clubs have to defend in the Champions League, while making the Spanish and Italian goals smaller. According to boffins, this will halt the English domination of the competition. At half time fireworks will distract the crowds as the goals are swapped round.

ARSENAL HAVE MADE A SIGNING. Kak…..

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Sorry readers. I’ve lost the signal. I’ll be back online when I can. In the meantime, why not get the new album from this amazing new jazz singer I saw last week.

Her name is Romsk. She’s gonna be huge, if she gets the right manager, the right producer, the right feng shui guy. And learns to sing.

You heard it here first.