Over the top.

A happy new year to all Arsenal Fans

A bit late, I admit, but I was never gonna to be able to release my TRADITIONAL Christmas message on time.

Hunkered in my bunker, no outside contact was possible from the secret mission I’ve been on.

We were led by Lt Sunderland, from Leeds. The mission was a success. We killed, and we will kill again.

Now, after a spectacular debrief at Spearmint Rhino, its time to look at Arsenal again

It looks like it’s all about youth

There are LOADS of types of youth: Musical Youth, Doomed Youth, Hitler Youth.

The list goes on

Then there’s Arsene’s Youth. There’s a helluva lotta things to say about them

Are they any good? Can they win anything? When do you technically stop being a Youth?

Arsenals Youth divide into subsets. There’s Broken Youth, like van Persie

Growing resignation that not really that good Youth, like Theo

And back from the dead Youth, like Gael Clichy. That’ s a great kind of Youth to have

But have the left-back Lazarus and the rest of the boys got what it takes? Can they emulate what the Youth of Manchester achieved?

It doesn’t look likely, unless Arsenal can turn their Youth into Angry Young Men. At the moment you’d call Arsenal a Youth club. Energetic, enthusiastic and keen, certainly.

But also a bit lightweight, naïve and self-righteous.

A few old fashioned, rite-of-passage activities should be introduced to toughen these lads up.

I don’t wanna see pictures of Cesc after a game sitting on a couch sipping an energy drink

I want to see him in the bath, holding a can of beer with his arm around the shoulder of another naked player, fag hanging out his mouth. In black and white.

I reckon Arsene knows that his players need to swap the cola, crisps, and playstation ethos for a more brutal one

Word on the training ground was that he knew he had to take action when he heard Hleb inviting Eduardo and Theo round for a sleepover with a few OC DVDs and pizza.

So he’s brought Keith Gillespie in as a drinking, fighting and roasting consultant, with a telephone helpline staffed by Charlie George and Craig Bellamy

Keith, a world regarded authority in this field, reckons it could take just 3-4 weeks to see some results.

If we see some tabloid kiss n’ tells on Arsenal players, plus a spate of red cards, we’ll know that the masterplan is on track

But if the Arsenal boys keep living like saints, the only place they’ll get their reward is heaven

And I don’t mean the club