ARSEBLOG News Review

Pipe aboard the new cadet to the good ship Arsenal

Sat, 7 Feb 2009 05:17:17 -0600

By first Sea Lord Leopold Mendacious

Welcome, Andrei Arshavin

He’s no Vladimir Petrovic, but he’ll do.

I always liked our previous signing from mother Russia, the Ukranian Oleg Luhzny. His crazy galloping runs and Playmobil hair helped fill the gap left by Lee Dixon.

Will fans flock to matches to see our new Czar? Do they care enough, anymore? I have been watching old tapes of Tony and Stevie, Paul and Paul and David. They were proper Arsenal players, ones who you could really support.

My current levels of support for the likes of Adebayor and Eboue are less than a pair of gussetless vintage Y-fronts.

They’re lazy, overpaid and have no heart.

Better to fester in the hobnailed UEFA cup with some genuine triers than prance about in the Champions League in the pink boots of decadence.

Arsenal’s next game is against Spurs. ‘Arry’s magic looks to be wearing off. As cockney as jellied eels, he has attempted to inspire his players with his repertoire of East End tricks.

But repeated concerts of ‘Arry playing the spoons to a backing of Chas n’ Dave are not having the required effect on the players. In fact, I heard from the training ground that Modric broke down and wept silently when ‘Arry gave an extended version of ‘Down to Margate’ to the first team.

Ledley King’s knee is not good, so he won’t play, despite being treated with ‘Arry’s special pie n’ mash poultice every day. Can the galumphing Adebayor take advantage though?

At the moment he is a negative force – he’s not even neutral. Last season he peaked and played well above his natural level. Was he possessed by the spirit of a better player? It looks that way now. The boss should have known.

Arsene, basically, has never got over George Weah. He was his greatest triumph, the Eliza Doolitlle to Wengers’ Prof Higgins. And he’s gonna keep signing Africans until he finds GW mk II.

But it’ll never happen.

Agents and consortiums now have tiny cameras implanted in flies, which hover over every football-playing boy in Africa aged between 5 and 13. They watch them closely, and if they spot potential they think they can exploit then a deal is done. There are no more gems to be discovered. Too many agents have pissed in the well.

So are Arsenal fans watching the attempts of an ageing Arsene trying to rekindle his great love? Are Diaby and Song simply a kind of Viagra, a desperate last throw of the dice at artificial stimulation? It looks that way.

If you boil it all down, personals-style, what you get is: “Middle aged French man, own teeth, enjoys football and, err, football, slim, seeks powerful young African men to try to re-create some good times”.

That’s the kind of analogy that I know keeps you coming back for more, readers. I know you like it. I know I do, too.

Enjoy the snow. And get a few quid on Arsenal beating Spurs by more than 1.235647353735 goals.

2009 - The Facts

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 03:03:51 -0600

Transfer time is a great time. Anything is possible. Fans will latch onto any rumours.

Last week a man bit into a pie and found the likeness of Jimmy Bullard revealed in the gravy.

Since then people have been flocking to see the pie, and it has been interpreted as a sign that he will definitely join Arsenal.

His agent is rumoured to be tying up the loose ends of the deal which involve reproducing his image in pastry-based products.

Has Arsene’s team been found out like a fake Rolex? It looked great for a while, kept good time and did the job.

But when it started to go wrong, opening it up to fix it revealed that loads of the parts were of poor quality.

The problem is, where can you get parts to fix an imitation of the real thing?

Over Christmas I didn’t think much about Arsenal. Mrs M(Mk II) has her birthday on the 24th, so we celebrated her turning 16.

Mrs M (Mk I) still hasn’t been found, and Interpol have officially closed their files. Frankly, it’s a relief.

We celebrated (the birthday, not Mrs M’s misfortune) by watching some old Woody Allen films on Betamax. You can keep your blu-ray! This old hippy prefers the warm look you get from magnetic tape.

On New Year I started my resolution to keep fit, by swimming up the Thames from Southend to Maidenhead.

I was accompanied by my friend Gawain, a keen naturalist. We were both impressed by the wildlife we saw in the river. In the bad old days the Thames was empty, but this time we saw dead dogs and cats, some dead birds including a hawk of some sort, and even a dead seal!

Not bad for a river that some said would never have animals in it again.

When I got home that night there was a message from my friend Joan. She’s heard that Dennis Bergkamp had been seen scaling the glass walls of Ashburton Grove like a blond spider in the dead of night.

Could the Dutch legend be making a comeback? I think it’s almost certain, readers! Don’t you????

Knife-edge transfer action!

Tue, 9 Sep 2008 12:18:01 -0500

I heard a shocking piece of gossip from a well-placed source at Arsenal. Usually I don’t listen to this kinda stuff, but it matches up with other snippets I’ve heard.

Back in 2000, Arsene took a call from Zidane – not his agent, but the man himself, who said he wanted to come to Highbury. David Dein immediately took control, and negotiations were straightforward. ZZ wanted to come, wages weren’t a problem and Arsene was over the moon.

Apparently Pires went mad when he heard though – he’s always hated Zidane as he felt he blocked him in the French team. He went to see the boss, but Arsene was adamant that Zidane was coming.

So Pires stormed out his office and went to the changing rooms, where he waited. When Thierry came in, Robert grabbed him and produced a knife he’d got from the kitchen. He held it to Henry’s t…

FORGET THAT! Today is transfer deadline day, and I’m here to bring you all the moves, gossip and tittle-tattle that you won’t get anywhere else.

That’s because I’ve got my secret special Mendacious-mic rigged up to eavesdrop on the clandestine communications system that agents and football clubs use.

What a lot of people don’t realise is that, like the Illuminati, football clubs have their own hidden way of exchanging information via a global network which the rest of the world knows nothing about.

By cleverly adapting everyday football-related objects into communication devices, they can plot all day long without anyone suspecting anything. For example, did you know that goalkeeper gloves are actually miniaturised satellite dish receivers? As the game has gone global, more and more distant signals need to be received and sent, as clubs spring up in China and Africa and the East. That’s why goalie gloves have got bigger over the years.

There are also non-verbal signals that clubs know and teach their players. For example, when you see a player getting a drink during a game, watch how they do it.

If they put the bottle in their mouth, that means they are happy at the club and are satisfied with their current wages and status.

But if they squirt the water into their mouth from a distance of a few inches, this is signalling to watching agents that they are receptive to hearing about interest from other clubs.

And if they squirt the water in their mouth then over their head and neck as well, this is signalling that they are unhappy and they want out – they are literally washing away their association with the club publicly.

Armed with this knowledge, and my specialist equipment, I’ve set myself up in my listening post to report back to you. And I can bring you these EXCLUSIVES

Warren Barton is Joey Barton’s DAD!

Scolari is trying to get DECO to grow a moustache, but he’s refusing as it will make him look too much like Charlie Chaplin. It’s a standoff. He could be dropped!

Steven Gerrard isn’t injured in a traditional sense – his hair grew so low it actually started to grow out of his eyes. He’s locked in a room with Phil Thompson and some clippers somewhere in Liverpool.

ARSENAL won’t sign anyone. Wenger tried to get a midfielder, but was only prepared to pay using pre-war Francs! Could this be why it is so rare for him to sign players, as no agent in his right mind will accept this tender?

Morrisey has bought a share in Sheffield Wednesday. “I’ve always loved the Owls”, he claims, “and The boy with the thorn in his side was about David Hirst. Although that was actually one of the injuries he never sustained”.

Sepp Blatter has offered WIGAN a thousand pounds to spend the night with Emile Heskey. The cash-strapped club are considering it. If they accept, expect Emile to be out for a few weeks with a mysterious groin injury.

UEFA are secretly increasing the size of the goals that English clubs have to defend in the Champions League, while making the Spanish and Italian goals smaller. According to boffins, this will halt the English domination of the competition. At half time fireworks will distract the crowds as the goals are swapped round.

ARSENAL HAVE MADE A SIGNING. Kak…..

………………………………………………………………………………

Sorry readers. I’ve lost the signal. I’ll be back online when I can. In the meantime, why not get the new album from this amazing new jazz singer I saw last week.

Her name is Romsk. She’s gonna be huge, if she gets the right manager, the right producer, the right feng shui guy. And learns to sing.

~~You heard it here first.~~

Over the top.

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 18:45:27 -0600

A happy new year to all Arsenal Fans

A bit late, I admit, but I was never gonna to be able to release my TRADITIONAL Christmas message on time.

Hunkered in my bunker, no outside contact was possible from the secret mission I’ve been on.

We were led by Lt Sunderland, from Leeds. The mission was a success. We killed, and we will kill again.

Now, after a spectacular debrief at Spearmint Rhino, its time to look at Arsenal again

It looks like it’s all about youth

There are LOADS of types of youth: Musical Youth, Doomed Youth, Hitler Youth.

The list goes on

Then there’s Arsene’s Youth. There’s a helluva lotta things to say about them

Are they any good? Can they win anything? When do you technically stop being a Youth?

Arsenals Youth divide into subsets. There’s Broken Youth, like van Persie

Growing resignation that not really that good Youth, like Theo

And back from the dead Youth, like Gael Clichy. That’ s a great kind of Youth to have

But have the left-back Lazarus and the rest of the boys got what it takes? Can they emulate what the Youth of Manchester achieved?

It doesn’t look likely, unless Arsenal can turn their Youth into Angry Young Men. At the moment you’d call Arsenal a Youth club. Energetic, enthusiastic and keen, certainly.

But also a bit lightweight, naïve and self-righteous.

A few old fashioned, rite-of-passage activities should be introduced to toughen these lads up.

I don’t wanna see pictures of Cesc after a game sitting on a couch sipping an energy drink

I want to see him in the bath, holding a can of beer with his arm around the shoulder of another naked player, fag hanging out his mouth. In black and white.

I reckon Arsene knows that his players need to swap the cola, crisps, and playstation ethos for a more brutal one

Word on the training ground was that he knew he had to take action when he heard Hleb inviting Eduardo and Theo round for a sleepover with a few OC DVDs and pizza.

So he’s brought Keith Gillespie in as a drinking, fighting and roasting consultant, with a telephone helpline staffed by Charlie George and Craig Bellamy

Keith, a world regarded authority in this field, reckons it could take just 3-4 weeks to see some results.

If we see some tabloid kiss n’ tells on Arsenal players, plus a spate of red cards, we’ll know that the masterplan is on track

But if the Arsenal boys keep living like saints, the only place they’ll get their reward is heaven

And I don’t mean the club

Arsenaltown needs a new sheriff.

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 18:48:16 -0600

Arsenal are at a new place in their evolution, a place where they’ve never been before.

An almost complete absence of senior players in the team means that this group of young men are having a power struggle.

Like any pack of mammals, there’s gotta be a hierarchy with someone at the top and someone at the bottom.

The lack of a dominant senior figure in the team has created a power vacuum, and the young lads are jostling for position to see who’s gonna be top dog and who’s at the bottom of the heap.

It’s like Lord of the Flies.

Separated from the outside world on an island of insulated luxury, the players are forming groups and cliques. And it’s a cruel process, where any weakness is gonna be ruthlessly hunted out.

Already fiery Cesc is looking like a leader who the other lads are keen to obey.

Boys, like Clichy, Rosicky and Denilson, know that their natural physical skills mean that they’re not gonna be singled out as the weakest link.

But poor, clumsy, ungainly Pillippe Senderos could become the scapegoat for this team, picked out by the others as vulnerable.

Eventually, like in Lord of the Flies, the players will gather round and kill him with a rock.

This might seem a bit savage, but it’s not without precedent. I’ve seen the same thing happen in other clubs.

Ask yourself; what happened to these players: David Hirst, Sebastian Diesler, Pal Lydersson, Francis Jeffers?

But its not all bad for the Gunners.

Arsene knows that a bit of bonding over a group activity, like ritual slaughter, can really build team spirit.

Traditionally Le Boss has not been keen on getting the players together for these kind of things.

Where other clubs jet off to La Manga for some morale boosting golf, heavy drinking and rape, Wenger has preferred to let individual players take responsibility for extra-curricular activities, like Gilberto’s Friday mandolin society, and Lehman’s origami circle which meets every Tuesday evening (Champions League permitting).

Some of the players have tried to get some bonding sessions going. Cesc’s food fight at Old Trafford was a direct homage to Ray Parlour’s Pizza Hut work in 1995, and Jermaine Pennant made a bold but misguided attempt to follow in the footsteps of Tony Adams when he wrapped a car round a lamppost while under the influence.

Fans have been concerned about the heavy injury list that Arsenal have this season.

What’s causing this? Is it the Ashburton pitch? Has Gary Lewin lost it?

I heard from an impeccable source a few months ago that the problem lies with hair. Too much, and not enough.

Abou Diaby, as smooth as an egg, is unable to produce any hair.

In a desperate attempt to encourage growth he’s been hanging upside down like a bat, and has damaged his hamstrings.

Meanwhile, Freddie cannot come to terms with his male pattern baldness. Over the summer he tried to grow his hair long.

But to his horror he discovered he had a bald patch, with a Shearer-like island of hair floating at the front.

His confidence is shot, despite shaving it all off, and he will be sold to pursue a new career with Lee Sharpe this summer, selling hair plugs.

Cesc’s hirsuteness is causing real problems in the dressing rooms.

The young man is so hairy that when he showers he sheds fistfuls of matted pelt. This built up after the Reading game, and blocked the plughole, causing a flood.

Poor skinny Alex Hleb was nearly swept away down the drain, only saving himself by clinging to Senderos’s craggy heady.

Meanwhile, Eboue was washed away on the wave of water down Drayton Park, calling for help and waving an imaginary yellow card.

I’ve heard that Pat Rice will be bringing in a set of clippers next week, to shear the young Spaniard.

Lucky fans will be able to buy genuine Cesc body hair in the club shop.

Sword from the stone.

Thu, 7 Dec 2006 18:49:06 -0600

Like the mythological king, I have returned to rescue my people in the hour of their need

All across north London and beyond I heard the cry – Arsenal need Leopold!

I have been away, deep underground and far away

Yet I heard the distant cries, and I have answered them

I’m back, and already I’ve done some vital work

I have re-grouted Pat Rice’s bathroom, which was directly responsible for the 3-0 win over Spurs.

And some auspicious patio-laying for Ken Friar should see a good win against Chelsea on Sunday

However, I gotta say that not all the problems at AFC can be solved by DIY skills

Arsene looks like he’s got ‘difficult second album’ syndrome, trying to replicate his earlier teams.

He’s forgotten what elements made Arsenal successful in the past, and emphasised the wrong instruments at his mixing desk in London Colney

Playing Rosicky, Hleb and Freddie is like having 3 triangle players in a band – it’s a nice instrument and all that, but you sure as hell don’t need that many.

And it drowns out the piccolo

I saw a lotta this kind of stuff when I was musical director for the Clash

You’re probably thinking, ‘hey Leopold, you’re crazy! Those guys were punks. They didn’t need a musical director’.

Two things: first, don’t call me Leopold. Herr Menadcious, Professor, Doktor, Baron, Gruppenfuhrer. Pick.

Second, I had a hard time with Strummer and Jones when the Clash were in their pomp.

It was a constant battle to get them to keep to a guitar-based 4 piece, and forget their classical aspirations

Mick Jones wanted to play the opening riff to “Should I stay or should I go’ on an oboe.

Joe Strummer, a surprising mezzo-soprano, had to be persuaded every day to sing in a cockney accent.

Arsene has some hard thinking to do, but I am on hand to advise him if he needs it

In fact I have tunnelled in from the outside to underneath his desk at Ashburton Grove

And I’m waiting ready to burst through the shag-pile when the moment is right.

Disgusting.

Mon, 2 Jan 2006 18:50:21 -0600

I hope you had a good Christmas and New Year, readers.

Did you get good gifts?

I WAS DISAPPOINTED WITH MY PRESENTS THIS YEAR

Mrs M bought me a javelin.

I also received, anonymously, a collection of outrageous and shameful erotica

I was so disgusted that I have ordered extra copies for friends whom I know will be equally appalled.

Things are a bit rocky at Arsenal at the moment.

Last night I bumped into Eddie McGoldrick at my local

Fans will remember when signing Eddie from the Eagles showed our ambition

Nowadays, of course, Arsenal strut a bigger stage with signings like Cygan and Hleb

Eddie told me that the game had been kinda cruel to him

He didn't land a cushy coaching job, but instead had to rely on his wits to make his way

In his break from cleaning the toilets I bought Ed a pint

He had a helluva lot to say about his old club

And some radical ideas

We agreed that our many of our players were too callow, and need to step from boy to manhood

WE DISAGREED OVER THE BEST WAY TO DO THIS, THOUGH

I reckoned we should look to ancient tribal customs to change youths into warriors.

Cesc and Flamini should be made to hunt, naked, in Finsbury Park

Eddie believed we should sign seasoned pros to bring on the younger players, namely himself

I GOTTA SAY, I LAUGHED AT THIS

This didn't go down too well, and Eddie came at me with his mop

My Mossad training kicked in and I had him pinned between my thighs in seconds

Lucky I didn't have my javelin on me

I'd spent 20 minutes trying to fit in into my wallet before giving up and going to the pub

The barman, Kirk Brandon, diffused the whole scene by offering us each a drink and the new Spear of Destiny CD

It's not very good

But I reckon Eddie McGoldrick could be the next Arsenal manager.

Arsene Wenger - Trawlerman.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 19:51:32 -0500

Arsene Wenger is like Sean Connery in the ‘Man Who Would be King’

For a long time he has been perceived as a god by the Highbury natives

NOW IS AURA IS DIMMING

Injuries to key players haven’t helped

Nor has a perplexing lack of player respect

Too many first teamers question Arsene’s decisions

Or openly rub up against other clubs, like cats in heat

Still, Wenger knows what he has to do

IT’S TIME TO RETURN TO BASICS, GET HIS NET, AND DREDGE UP SOME NEW TALENT

Like a marine biologist, AW has always had a gift for finding life in the most unlikely rock pools

Lifting up a stone here, brushing aside some seaweed there, he’s revealed the fragile creatures hiding away beneath

He’s been able to carefully build them a new environment where they can thrive

In some cases, lifting and moving such delicate animals has been the hardest part

When he brought Thierry over from Juve he had to get a specially constructed jam jar made, filled with brine.

With some players it’s even more complicated.

APPARENTLY JOSE REYES DOESN’T EVEN REALISE HE’S LEFT SPAIN!

He thinks he’s in a suburb of Bilbao, with a large British ex-pat population

All the Arsenal players and staff are in on the illusion, apart from Sol

The philosophical centre-half has recently published a manifesto in which he declares all life is an illusion

HE ALSO POINTS OUT THAT THE REAL REASON RAY PARLOUR LEFT WAS THAT THEY FELL OUT OVER QUESTIONS OF THE DIVINE

The Romford Pele, a deeply religious man, insisted on keeping a spiritual adviser in his locker

Sol, who sat next to him, objected to the bits of sacrifice that Ray’s guru kept dropping on to his Dolce and Gabbana suits

Matters came to a head when Ray saw Sol throwing away what he thought were the holy remains St Peter’s knuckles

Sol insisted it was only a bit of KFC, but the damage was done

Arsene decided to move Ray on for the sake of harmony. Ray didn’t want to go.

He approached the Vatican to intervene in his case

But the FA declared that Rome had no jurisdiction at Soho Square, and the transfer went ahead.

Ironically, I hear that Ray has now lost his faith.

Don’t lose yours, readers – no one will hand it in.

Why Arsenal will dance like Fred Astaire.

Tue, 17 May 2005 19:53:08 -0500

Chief Big Foot had his battle of Wounded Knee

This season Arsene Wenger has fought the battle of Gilberto’s Back

The loping Brazilian fell in battle early in the campaign

And with big Patrick Vieira’s mind on desertion, the Gunners didn’t have the grit to fight hand to hand in the midfield trenches for months on end.

Recruiting Sergeant Liam Brady did a great job, delivering raw recruits from the training ground

These raw boys were thrown in to combat. Nobody expected them to survive.

But the boys became men, forged in the heat of battle. Cesc, Flamini, van Persie and Senderos.

THE DOGS OF WAR

Flamini hasn’t been under the spotlight like the other new guys.

But the Matthiueuei, or Gilles-lite as he is known, is a helluva intriguing player.

Arsene got him from Marseille, who in turn had swapped a leather luggage set for him with Clemont-Ferrand.

Including toilet bag!

My sources in France tell me he was set to become a pro boules player.

But, like a lotta gifted kids, he changed sports.

Who would have guessed, for instance, that Steve McManaman was a JUNIOR KICK-BOXING CHAMP.

And ex-gunner Ray Parlour could have competed at the top in the men’s 50m prone rifle shooting event.

Not sure whether to go fishing or not tomorrow

I normally always go before a cup final. It’s a tradition.

Digory used to come along. We’d get up really early.

We’d set off with our secret bait, quiche lorraine, to our special spot.

Once we’d set up I’d crack open some sweet cider, and father and son would bond.

BUT DIGORY’S NOT INTERESTED NOW.

He’s got himself a nasty little crack habit, and sold off all his fishing gear.

My method of predicting a win in the final depended on how many fish I caught

I might try to replicate it by chucking some fish fingers in the bath

But it's not scientific

You might wanna think twice about going to the bookies and putting a grand on Arsenal to win because Leopold caught five fish fingers in his tub

Will the game be disrupted?

Hard to tell. The word on the street is kinda confused.

There’s lots of anger out there amongst Man U fans

Dentists in Surrey are on red alert ‘cos of all the teeth being gnashed.

But most people are laughing.

Hope all you gunners fans are sick this week.

Sick with cup fever!

See you in Wales. I’ll be playing in the marching band.

Second tuba on the left.

Arsenal need a valium.

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 18:54:05 -0600

Bayern Munich have thrown their towel on the sun lounger marked quarter-finals!

Witless Arsenal will need to slip the pool boy some coins to try and sneak through to the next round instead of them.

We’ve all heard how German football is riddled with corruption.

Is that the gunners best route to the quarters?

Danny Fizsman is a diamond merchant.

Perhaps a pair of jewel-encrusted keepers gloves could persuade Ollie Kahn to let a couple of soft goals in at Highbury in two weeks time.

A miserable night for Arsenal in Munich. Kolo Toure had a nightmare.

I hear that Arsene and Pat Rice were preparing to offer a live sacrifice at half-time on one of the concrete circles just behind the goals.

The same ones that Trevor Francis landed on after he scored his brave header which brought Nottingham Forest the European Cup.

Sadly, at the moment, Arsenal are a MILLION MILES AWAY from winning it!

And as every season passes, they look less likely.

Patrick Vieira may well be Arsenal’s Moses.

He might lead this team to the edge of the promised land of a Champions League final.

But he’ll never play in one.

Sad news that my old snooker buddy Hunter S Thompson has died

I used to play a few frames now and then with Hunter at the Camden snooker club

His best break was 82 – not bad at all.

His reflexes and enormous hands made him a natural keeper, but he never played soccer seriously

The nearest he got was taking a pot shot with a Derringer at George Best in a bar.

The elfin drunk had tried to steal a sip of Hunter’s scotch, a foolish move.

I’ve noticed that some sites seem to be ripping off Arseblog News Review.

THAT’S A DISGRACE.

I find it kinda funny, and I find it kinda sad.

This sort of behaviour could get the internet closed down.

You’ve been warned!