By first Sea Lord Leopold Mendacious 

Welcome, Andrei Arshavin

He’s no Vladimir Petrovic, but he’ll do.

I always liked our previous signing from mother Russia, the Ukranian Oleg Luhzny. His crazy galloping runs and Playmobil hair helped fill the gap left by Lee Dixon.

Will fans flock to matches to see our new Czar? Do they care enough, anymore? I have been watching old tapes of Tony...

Transfer time is a great time. Anything is possible. Fans will latch onto any rumours.

Last week a man bit into a pie and found the likeness of Jimmy Bullard revealed in the gravy.

Since then people have been flocking to see the pie, and it has been interpreted as a sign that he will definitely join Arsenal.

His agent is rumoured to be tying up the loose ends of the deal which involve reproducing his image in pastry-based products.

I heard a shocking piece of gossip from a well-placed source at Arsenal. Usually I don’t listen to this kinda stuff, but it matches up with other snippets I’ve heard.