Can Jose finally put Luis Garcia to rest ?

How fitting that around the same time Quentin Tarantino releases his movie called Grindhouse, its literal footballing equivalent will play itself out in the Champions' League. Step up Liverpool and Chelsea.

Chelsea have been in the odd position of not leading this season. Trailing to United all season in the league, they've had to ensure their consistency is maintained under pressure not normally present. This pressure may be finally getting to them. This past weekend was a classic case in point. Having been given a glimmer of hope with Boro's halting of United, Chelsea themselves fired blanks in a misfiring performance at Newcastle. Jose Mourinho may, for once, have a bit of a point about penalties and United, but it did little to deflect criticism from a rather anaemic performance from his men. If they had won they would have been one point behind United. Having squandered their chance, will their sterility carry over to the Champions League ?

Liverpool on the other hand have been clicking into top gear and coming into form. Rafa Benitez's rotation may have resulted in some of their inconsistency in the league but it has been crucial in their run to another Champions' League semifinal. His safety first attitude has been built on a solid defence with a blend of workmanlike and inspirational attackers in front of them. It all works very well in Europe where Liverpool have been very good churning out wins over PSV, Bordeaux, Galatassaray, Barcelona and PSV again. Without being imperious, they've never quite looked beatable. The question though, is, how will they fare against Chelsea, who are a much more powerful version of themselves.

Liverpool prioritise defence over attack, performance over entertainment. Chelsea do all the same and are masters at getting the whole team to play as a unit from the back forwards. Ominously they have added an element of power to their grinding style. The most notable of these powerhouses, Michael Essien will miss the first leg. But in his stead they ever improving Jon Obi Mikel will probably suit up. As good as Jamie Carragher and Dan Agger have been in the heart of defence for Liverpool, Ricardo Carvalho and John Terry have been more impressive. Their last meeting ended in a a comprehensive win for Liverpool, but more tellingly the last time they met at full strength, Chelsea edged it 1 - 0 back in the germinal stages of the season. Herein lies the greatest irony, Liverpool have been Chelsea's best imitators as far as style goes, yet have somehow managed to be better at it. Chelsea crush other opponents better than Liverpool but against Rafa's men get out-defended.

Chelsea played their best game of the season in their come-from-behind 2-1 win over Valencia in the last round. This might prove telling as Liverpool had a virtual walkover PSV in the second leg. Once again Rafa's deployment of Steven Gerrard may be important but Chelsea's ability to shackle Alonso will be crucial. With their first choice central defensive pairing available, Didier Drogba present and Andriy Shevchenko (finally) coming into some form, Chelsea's threat may be more ominous. On the other hand, Peter Crouch may be Liverpool's most potent attacker, his gangly style producing the goods time and again.

I doubt Jermaine Pennant will make much headway against ex-teammate Ashley Cole down the right and with Carvalho a much better defender positionally than Essien, long balls to Crouch and Kuyt will be dealt with efficiently. Chelsea are still moaning, as usual, about Liverpool's goal that knocked them out 2 seasons ago. This tie will be very close, but it should give the moneyed upstarts from Fulham plenty of opportunity for redemption. Chelsea might be favourites, but only by a bit. This is as watertight as they come.

 

Will United get Milan back for 2003 ?  

 

 

Looking at the upcoming semi-finals of the UEFA Champions' League, it's easy to think it's just another round of the Premiership. With 3 teams hailing from there, there is a definitive English club feel to the round.

 

Limping into the final stretch of the season, with defenders seemingly falling by the wayside every game, Manchester United have had to rely on outstanding performances from the rest of their playing corps to stay in contention for another possible treble. A generous slice of luck by way of refereeing decisions has helped as well. Whereas Michael Carrick's step up from quiet midfield maestro to goalscoring hero has been timely, the lack of penalties awarded to the opposition in their last 2 premiership outings is every bit as significant. The decision (to not award a penalty) at Sheffield United when Gabriel Heinze took out Luton Shelton may have had no outcome on the game but Darren Fletcher's upending of Dong Lee in their latest game against Middlesborough should have denied them even a point.

 

Contrast those two games with their elimination of said same opponents over two legs in the FA Cup. Whereas the penalty given for Jonathan Woodgate's challenge on Ronaldo in the second leg was arguable, the spot-kick awarded for George Boateng's handball in the first leg was farcical. Make no mistake, as good as United have been this season, their treble charge should really have been contention for a league and Champions' League double.

 

Still, United have shown that their resilience and mental strength is second to none. At this late stage of the season, the machine that Ferguson has had running smoothly all season is well oiled and gelling fantastically. His two biggest matchwinners in Wayne Rooney and Ronaldo are fit and everyone on the team knows how to compensate for the lack of key personnel. They might be missing three of their first choice back four but they are still favourites over their opponents Milan.

 

If UEFA were stronger they would have prevented Milan from contesting this year's Champions' League. Having been found guilty of cheating domestically and docked points, it beggars belief that they were allowed to compete in Europe. Money, not merit, runs the modern game. One can only hope the dark influence of the G-14 is quelled somewhat by the new maverick that is Michel Platini.

 

On the football field, away from the politics, Milan have done well. They've never been overpowering and all conquering but have been quiet and steady. Benefiting from not being one the favourites for the title has played into their hands as they have gone about their business with quiet efficiency. A moderate, if tricky, opening group stage was dealt with minimum fuss. in the round of 16, Celtic were edged in true Milanese fashion.

 

This Milan team under Carlo Ancellotti, has a history of doing just enough to progress in the knockout stages in Europe and they did just that against the Scottish team who ran them very close. Since Ancelotti took them to the top prize in 2003, Milan have been the Champions' League's most consistent team. This is their 3rd straight semifinal appearance and their 4th in 5 years. If it weren't for a spectacular comeback from Deportivo in 2004, Milan would have made 5 consecutive semis.

 

Their previously injured central defensive rock Alessandro Nesta is back and their 2 attacking aces Kaka and Andrea Pirlo are both fit. With Ronaldo chipping in with crucial goals of late and Rino Gattusso still his imperious midfield self, Milan's prospects, despite being underdogs, seem good. If they let United come on to them, Milan's lack of pace at the back will be telling, but if they attack United from the off and create havoc amongst United's makeshift rearguard, the tie will be interestingly poised. United are favorites, but Milan have a few tricks up their sleeves.

 

 

Manchester United 8 - 3 Roma (on aggregate)

Comprehensive wins for Liverpool and Manchester United along with composed performances by Chelsea and Milan have ensured progression for the quartet to the final four.

United's emphatic win at Old Trafford annihilated whatever advantage Roma had built up in the first leg. Now on, Alexander Doni will probably always move a little to his left after he was beaten on that side five times by United. Given that Roma's centre backs forgot all their positioning and were generally calamitous in their marking, the additional two goals will add further pain to the Roma custodian's memories of this encounter.

One was expecting a home win that built on the away goal. When United scored first you sensed that win might be secured with a degree of comfort not previously imagined. However, once Michael Carrick scored off a quite brilliantly taken shot from just outside the area, the floodgates opened and the ensuing deluge all but swept Roma away.

At the end of it all Roma didn't play that badly, United simply played really well. Whereas most of Roma's shots were off target, even their only goal being an optimistic one-timed volley from De Rossi, almost all of United's shots were bang on the money. An eighth goal was narrowly missed when United hit the post.

Ronaldo's running with the ball, Alan Smith's and Wayne Rooney's running off it and United's long passing onto the wings stretched Roma's rearguard every which way. With both Phillipe Mexes and Christian Chivu completely clueless as to where they should stand, whom to mark and which avenue to cut out, it was left to David Pizzaro and Daniele De Rossi to track back and cut the angles and space out. With the latter two more devoted to game upfield and seemingly unable to prevent the ball from being sprayed diagonally sideways and then back in, there was way too much space just in front of the area. Balls crossed in from the flanks were left to fall to United players running in to tap them home. No one was closed down when they found themselves with the ball just outside the box.

Luciano Spaletti is a brave man, going for the jugular in the away leg, yet in retrospect defending deeper and having his twin midfield anchors protect the back four would have seemed saner and safer. Without taking anything away from the comprehensive United performance, you have to say though that most of their strikes were very opportunistic. Basically all of United's attempted shots went in, every flick on found its way to the right place or person and every cross was met at the right time by a a runner with the right amount of space. Not that this should take anything away from the performance but United should remember that days like this, when just about everything goes your way, do not come regularly. Carrick may try more shots from distance in the future and will fancy going for the top right corner more often, but I doubt he will score many more like that. Even Smith must have been astounded at his good fortune when the ball not only found its way to him, after some typically slack defending from Roma, but his first time shot left Doni rooted. For Roma, nothing came off. After a bright start in which they narrowly missed the far post with some long range drives, and other than Francesco Totti's close control and back pass, everything failed. Even Doni's strike was a lucky, first time, volley that I'm sure he doubted would go in. But on a night in which almost every optimistic strike happened to find the back of the net, it duly obliged.

Still, United showed that for all your technique, skill and artistry, the basics of the game, if done well, will serve you immeasurably even on the grandest stage. Their running was dedicated and their passing simple. Other than Ronaldo who threatened to singlehandedly take Roma apart, no one really displayed individual brilliance. But off every attack, there were runners accelerating into avenues and0 balls was always played into space. And whenever United got a chance, they decided to shoot.

On this performance, United should be the most feared team left in Europe. No one will want to visit Old Trafford now.

Liverpool 4 - 0 PSV (on aggregate)

Liverpool had done most of the hard work in the away leg and barring a miracle were set to go through after the home leg. Peter Crouch ensured that his recent purple patch continued and scored the game-winner but there was little really to write home about.

PSV were decimated by injuries themselves and came out to limit the damage. Phillip Cocu and Jefferson Farfan were the only players on the Dutch side who threatened to score a goal. Watching the body language of both teams you sensed PSV knew they had no chance and Liverpool ensured they did just enough to keep PSV at bay.

Jermaine Pennant sparkled on the right wing and his constant harrying of Carlos Salcido will go a long way towards convincing his biggest critics that he indeed does have a future at a top club. If Pennant does go on to win the Champions' League this year, it will be vindication for his supporters after indiscipline and a lack of focus and motivation threatened to derail his early career.

For all his juggling and rotation Rafa Benitez has instilled a defensive solidity to this Liverpool side. Now that they are coming together on the opposite side of the pitch, their play is more balanced and structured. Balls are quickly played out of defence and onto the wings or a runner moving towards the middle. They are clinical without being spectacular and while keeping things simple have managed to add a degree of poise to their style. However their approach often takes time. Against teams with more effort and discipline (read next opponents Chelsea) it may run aground.

Despite their lead, it took debutant Dirk Marcellis' dismissal to finally breach PSV's net. In fact throughout this tie PSV have not tried as hard as they could have (or should have) and the onus has been completely on Liverpool to find a way through. Whereas being 4-0 up on aggregate should have given Liverpool license to attack more freely, Rafa's approach has meant they will simply lock down and grind away till the end. Liverpool may have rested best players in Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher while pacey threat Craig Bellamy may have hobbled off with an injury early, but they should still have won with greater aplomb.

No matter, they are arguably one of the toughest sides to beat in a knockout tie and thoroughly deserved their progression against a very poor PSV. The latter should really question their approach. 4 years ago Deportivo La Coruna lost a first leg 4 - 1 to Milan and then triumphed 4 - 0 in the reverse to go through in the Champions' League. Although a 3 goal win in this fixture was unlikely it was not impossible. The defeatism emanating from the Dutch camp was disgusting and on this performance purely denigrating to the Champions' League. Top competition demands total effort, no matter the situation, the professional approach demands nothing less. How fitting then that there is only one remaining domestic champion left.

The Classic Fan at the Bar:

Roma 2 - 1 Manchester United

Italian hacks will no doubt play up this win. Roma dominated from start to finish and their win was a small reward for their thoroughly efficient performance. But the away goal will rankle. United fans will point to the lucky deflection for Roma's second goal but deep inside they know that it was every much Roma deserved. And given that United's season have been littered with the odd lucky goal and penalty decision, it would be hard for them to complain. Cue United fans writing in to dispute that claim.

Still they cannot feel too hard done by. Their loss was minimal, given that they played the better part of the game with 10 men. And Wayne Rooney's goal ensured they have an away goal to take back to Old Trafford. As predicted by many United missed Gary Neville and Nemanja Vidic at the back. Roma's convoluted midfield, meanwhile, posed a hydra like threat that was never quite nullified by the Premiership leader's defence. Roma's formation and tactics play off their lead man in Francesco Totti and in Rodrigo Taddei and Mancini, have two players capable of unsettling almost any defence on their day. United's star, Cristiano Ronaldo, was conspicuous by his absence, both during the game and from the deck.

The fact of the matter is that this result, though deserved, cannot be read into too much. United have had a stellar season. Consistent, strong and balanced. Everyone has a bad game or a game in which they are thoroughly outplayed by their opponents. It happens. There is still too much momentum on the United juggernaut for them to be derailed yet. Even a steady 1 - 0 win in the return leg will see them through on away goals. Luciano Spaletti knows this and will guard against complacency from his players. Still, Roma having the lead and United having to attack them on home turf will pose an enticing matchup that the neutrals will be salivating at.

For Roma a job well done. For United a (potentially) minor hiccup. Watch for more mind games from Alex Ferguson as he seeks to unsettle Totti and Roma some more.

Having talked about the result there are two minor points that must be touched upon.

Firstly, this was the second game in which visiting United fans were heckled and engaged. With finger pointing to start and the anti-English backlash being readied by the Italian press, one wonders just how easy it is to rile United supporters. At Lille they protested their innocence and high-handed treatment by the French Police. If there is, indeed, an agenda against traveling United fans, one would have expected them to not get provoked easily. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, in this case stoic silence (as impossible as it would seem), for as long as possible would serve to add ballast to their claims. On this evidence however, they are no better or worse than any other set of ultras.

Secondly, watching Paul Scholes getting dismissed so early for two terrible stone cast fouls, the case of English players getting preferential treatment at home is once again highlighted. It is quite possible that Scholes, and other English players, have escaped similar censure in the premiership where such challenges are often glossed over, especially when the offender is local. With such a nurturing atmosphere of domestic double standards small wonder that the English national team performs so poorly abroad.

 

Chelsea 1 – 1 Valencia

 

Ever since Jose Mourinho took over the reins at Stamford Bridge, Chelsea have become this inevitable unstoppable force. A machine that, more often than not, just keeps on rolling. Whereas the performance have remained mechanical, this season Chelsea have been lucky to be home to a certain Didier Drogba maturing into Europe’s most complete forward. On the other hand, Valencia have made workmanlike performances into an art form. They are a very well drilled unit, balanced, experienced, tactically aware and garnished with the world class skill of David Villa up front.

 

This match had tactical draw written all over it. And it contained a goal of truly sumptuous quality from David Silva. His strike from the left channel, a good distance outside the box while running with the ball, was truly spectacular. Yet somehow you sensed that inexorably Chelsea would score. That Drogba, their player of the year and marquee star, hit the equalizer, was only fitting.

 

However, other than those 2 goals though you sensed a certain stalemate brewing. The 2 teams canceled each other out with Valencia’s reactive style matching Chelsea’s safety first approach.

 

Valencia have been odd this season, equally capable of scaling giddy heights as of plumbing dark depths. They play excellently against top billing but sometimes get caught out and tied up by the lesser lights. However in this, the late stages of Europe’s premier contest, they should have no problem finding top teams to beat. With a precious away goal and masters of away goal progression, Valencia will be heading back to the Mestella feeling pretty confident.

 

Chelsea have seemed more fallible this season than any other in their short time in the sun under Mourinho. Yet, they seem better placed and more imperious in the Champions’ League this time than ever before. If Jose does leave at the end of the season, this may present Chelsea’s best chance of winning the Champions’ League. Whereas Abramovich’s billions may attract the best managerial talent from across the globe, the poisoned chalice that is his obsession with Europe’s top prize may keep them away. And if Chelsea do fall here, unable to force a favourable result in Spain, Chelsea’s fall back to the mediocrity whence they came may be as meteoric as their rise.

Daniel Van Buyten braces for impact, Rafa roars past Ronald.

 

 

Milan 2 - 2 Bayern

Daniel Van Buyten has had an interesting season so far. Marked more by leaden footedness at the heart of Bayern Munich's often schizophrenic defence, than his normal air of authority, it would be one he would not look back too fondly on. However, with Bayern mounting a furious late charge for honours, Van Buyten served up a timely reminder of his worth in the Champions' League Quarterfinal first leg at Milan. Not only did he salvage a precious draw, but his late brace allowed Bayern to come from behind and go back to Bavaria in the driving seat knowing that Milan have to do all the attacking on the road. With two pricless away goals, the advantage i very much in the German team's favour.

Milan arguably deserved to win this game as they had dominated the proceedings till Van Buyten pulled one back. They were probably hard done by when the big Belgian's last minute strike ensured a late share of the spoils. However, for all their domination Milan wasted several chances and were lucky to go ahead the second time when a very spurious penalty was given when Lucio cleared the ball from Kaka's feet. Footballing Karma is circular and in this case it was paid in full as Milan were pegged back at the very end.

The recurring theme to Milan's season has been a plethora of chances despite their often dysfunctional playing style. As careless as they have been at the back, at the front they continue to possess two attacking gems of the very highest quality. In the Champions' League Kaka and Andrea Pirlo have been at the forefront of all things good. Here they continued to singlehandedly ensure Milan go as far as they can despite having an underwhelming season. Despite their sloppiness, they have been able to come this far with a mixture of individual brilliance, a plucky midfield and a slice of luck. One wonders, however, if they have used up all footballing fortune. Furthermore, how many more games can Kaka and Pirlo win for them.

Bayern showed once again that you can never count them out. Seemingly out of the domestic title race, they served a timely reminder of their class on the weekend with a defeat of leaders Schalke. In the earlier round in the Champions' League, they went behind to Real but hung in with 2 late goals before ensuring they progressed on away goals with a tight but composed in the home-leg. Oddly, and for Milan, worrying parallels with this tie as well. Never count the Germans out.

PSV 0 - 3 Liverpool

Liverpool produced a solid, efficient and classy performance to emphatically beat PSV in Eindohoven. PSV's anemic display will cause embarrassment and anger in equal measure across parts of North London, as they folded in juvenile fashion against a rampant Liverpool team. This was definitely a big game for Liverpool and they ensured they put one leg in the semi-final by crushing their opponents on the night. Overall a good week for Liverpool so far. How coincidental that PSV's victims in the earlier round were also the side Liverpool beat one game earlier.

Rafa Benitez''s claim that Liverpool are better this year than they were in 2005 would seem true as they are better placed domestically and have been more consistent on the road. They are still unbeaten in Europe and are coming together nicely. Surely they were never this well placed during their victorious campaign in 2005. How fitting would it be for their new American owners if they are crowned champions of Europe again. Rafa Benitez's policy of rotation is loudly mocked after an away loss but there is clearly a method to his madness.

Sadly for PSV, their season seems to be coming apart. Despite playing as a good solid unit for the better part of the season, it seems the loss of talismanic central defender Alex, has reduced them to a motley crew of journeymen footballers. Are they really a one man team with their strength coming from the back ? It's hard to argue for that notion but the sad truth is that they have been a different side since his injury. This defeat followed a crushing 5-1 defeat domestically to rivals Ajax. Have the wind finally gone out of PSV's sails ? Did they peak too early in that tight win over Arsenal ? The fact of the matter is that Liverpool play a simple direct style and ensure they put their chances away. Clearly they are incapable of mounting a consistent challenge in the Premiership, but since the ascension of their Spanish coach, have become something of Champions' League specialists.

It's hard to see PSV coming back from this - there were simply no positives. Liverpool should be proud. PSV should be ashamed.

Liverpool trounced Arsenal 4 - 1 at Anfield.

It would seem Arsene Wenger has lost his dressing room.

It would seem Arsenal's players no longer care.

More disturbingly, it would seem Wenger can't turn it around.

The only Arsenal players who seemed to be up for it were William Gallas and Kolo Toure. And even they were horrendously sloppy and casual in their positioning. Arsenal seemed like jello right from the start and looked like crumbling anytime a decent ball was played in. That they did concede off Liverpool's first attack only lent more credence to the notion that Arsenal had turned up merely in body but not in mind. Few tried, fewer cared to try. Wenger and Rice were clueless and static on the sidelines

Jermaine Pennant and Peter Crouch were turned into world beaters. Wenger once again started Julio Baptista which makes one wonder if he watches the same games the rest of us do. I doubt having Henry or Van Persie available would have made much fo a difference. The midfield was absent, the attacking fulcrum invisible.

 

Once a team that could effortlessly create chances and score, Arsenal have now become a geriatric team of sideways passers and cul-de-sac runners. Not once did you think that Arsenal were going to score. It seemed the players had given up as well.

We need a new system, a new engine and a complete overhaul of the attitude. And Baptista needs to go. Players need to stop worrying about losing possession off a forward pass. Attacking intent allied with positive moves reap rewards in the end. Possession is good only if you do something with it - otherwise it's just a lot of running and passing the ball square.

Direct. Liverpool were direct. Chelsea and United have been direct. Arsenal are not. Arsenal have stopped being direct.  Adebayor's headers were the only time it looked as if Arsenal would score a goal they meant.

 

Chelsea have to visit Ashgrove. Will Arsenal lose their unbeaten home record then ? Someone needs to stem the rot. Can Wenger do it ? More importantly, do any of the players care ? Or have they all gone on vacation ?

 

The Inaugural Pascal Cygan Award for defensive ineptness and general cluelessness on the ball has been awarded to Phillipe Senderos.  Not since Des Walker's annual pilgrimages across the halfway line, have the footballing world been treated to such a lack of composure on the ball by a defender.  At least Des was a good defender.

Livorno Calcio have come up with a unique way of confusing opponents next season, particularly when it comes to marking and positioning.  After acquiring Cesare Bovo and Francesco Oddo in the transfer window this season, they have declared and intention to buy Massimo Oddo from Milan and Alberto Lopo from Deportivo.  Now that's a backline anyone would shudder to pick apart - Oddo, Bovo, Lopo, Coco.  Loco? 

 

Not to be outdone Roma have revealed plans to similarly restock their team with players whose names all rhyme with current defender Marco Cassetti.  Already Athletico Madrid's Luciano Galletti and Barcelona's Juliano Belleti are signed up, while ex-Bolton and ex-Al Ittihad man Jared Borgetti is on his  way.  Emiliano Moretti from Valencia meanwhile has signed, provided he gets to sit out the match  against Inter fearing nasal reprisals for Valencia's Champions' League hijinx this season.

Taylor-made.  The FA's top secret plans to have the perfect team ready in time for the 2010 World Cup have been exposed.  Some bloke left the dossier at a bus stop.  With Wigan's Ryan Taylor and Blackburn's on loan defender Andy Taylor set to link up with the more established Steven Taylor from Newcastle and Boro's Andrew Taylor, the FA were waiting for the season to end before appointing Peter Taylor as manager.  The only snag apparently was Palace's reluctance to swap Taylor with Steve McLaren.  And that all 4 of the above are defenders.

Arsene Wenger has claimed Jeremie Aliaderie is an exciting prospect for the future.

As part of the anti-trust proceedings against the monopoly that is Microsoft, the US Supreme Court  have appointed Gerrard Houllier as CEO.  Citing an unblemished track record at taking previously stable and successful organisations backward, Houllier was apparently the prime choice.  His first  order of business was to sign on Milan Baros.

On the topic of ex-Villa strikers scoring elsewhere, Julian Joachim has hit his third straight hat trick in the Isthmian league while Lee Hendrie has hooked up again with perennial trash Jade Goody.  Talk about quantity over quality.

Arsenal have signed Romario and brought Darko Pancev out of retirement.  Citing an inability to put away the numerous chances created (at last count more than Bolton's entire tally in their history), Pat Rice was adamant that they needed players who would do nothing except sit around in the box all day and kick the ball in.  Wenger was unavailable for comment (something about a news conference regarding Jeremie Aliaderie).

Julio Baptista has been busy practising penalties against an empty goal.  He's doing pretty well having hit the post, crossbar and come close several times.

Ian Harte finally played a game for Levante Reserves. He took a free kick and plodded around in  midfield.  Tim Stannard could be seen revelling the early hours of the morning.  

In other Spanish news the town of Eibar has been spotted by someone other than Phil Ball.  He was  ecstatic at its discovery by the civilised world.  The official word from FIFA and The Global Conglomeration of Fans is that no-one gives a f***.

Shaktar Donetsk have expressed a desire to play an entire outfield XI solely made up of obscure Brazillian players.  Their plans were shot however when Matuzalem, Brandao and Jadson were signed  up to play for Brazil in a friendly.

In said friendly Brazil beat Luxembourg by the unflattering score of 5-0.  Mauricio Texeira joined Eric Cantona in decrying the lack and loss of Jogo Bonito. The Brazilian public blamed Rivaldo.

The Irish FA have sacked Steve Staunton and appointed Basque Aldekoaotalora Irakaritz.  Yes, I can't  pronounce his name either.  The FA's hope is that it will make tabloid's (and Roy Keane) think twice before targetting the unpronouncable one with muck.

Steve McLaren has admitted that he calls up Alex Ferguson twice before picking teams for the Euro Qualifiers. When asked why twice he revealed that usually the first time Fergie is on the other line talking to Roy Keane.

Phil Neville has signed for the LA Galaxy.  For motivation, he cited a new challenge, fresh air and the  proximity to David Beckham.

The SAS and CIA are in a tug of war over Jose Mourinho.  Both feel his skills at getting under the skin  of inmates and suspects are worth fighting over.  An ex-convict remarked that Jose was ".. so bloody irritating I wanted to get the hell out of there.. at any cost".

In other Chelsea news, Geremi Njitap has finally been called by his real name.  For the better part of the season he has been mistakenly referred to as Mekhi.  Still no word however, on what exactly Michael Ballack's job is.

Julio Baptista has finally scored a goal from the penalty spot.

Cristiano Ronaldo was spotted walking his dog early yesterday morning but then inexplicably crumpled at slight contact from a passerby wearing a premiership jersey (early reports are it was a spurs shirt).  When reached for comment Ronaldo was apologetic "force of 'abit you see."

Reading have been given the Wigan Athletic Award for imitating them so well this year.

Wigan have been given the Plucky Sophomore Season Award for hanging in despite having an atrocious  second season in the top flight.

Bolton have been given a bag of crap for being well..  shiite.

Luis Aragones has been invited to open the African Cup of Nations tournament.  He took Jose Antonio Reyes along to motivate him some more.  Reyes meanwhile started crying because he missed his mommy.  Everyone meanwhile rounded on Arsene Wenger for not letting the lad settle by encouraging a French culture at Arsenal.

A Canadian army spokesman has revealed that the Canadian forces' sniper training school is off limits to Arsenal fans and players.   She said "We feel they have an innate inability to hit the simplest of  targets".

Arseblogger called someone a cunt.  John Nicholson promptly claimed to have been with it.

Suleiman Merchant posted a blog entry titled 'Justice for Arsenal in the post-carling cup world"

Footie Girl posted a blog entry praising Manchester United.. and still found time to have a pop at  Arsenal.

Gabrielle Porri posted an article about Serie A that was really, really good.  But then he posted another one and another one and OleOle promptly crashed - it can only handle so many classy, informative  posts in a day.

OleOle hired some backroom staff who were Juve fans - Gabrielle Porri promptly resigned.

No one still knows why Osman Ahmed goes by Desmond Armband.  Still fewer know why anyone in their right mind should care about Bournemouth AFC.

Gary Neville was spotted at the Manchester United Superstore getting Ferguson stitched onto the back off his jersey.  Not willing to divulge his identity, he gave his name as Alex.

Guerino Sportivo has criticised Inter and discounted their achievements by labelling them as being too good for the opposition.  It's not fair for everyone, Inter have had it easy, they're so good - obviously  they're going to win.

Reversing a trend of Brazilian players taking on European nationality and turning out for their teams, Fluminense's ex-Serbian midefielder Dejan Petkovic has taken up Brazilian citizenship and become eligible to play for Brazil.

The FA have fined Arsenal for ruining the English national team.  Arsenal have hit back saying they  were undersold on the merits of Francis Jeffers and were only kidding about Theo Walcott.

The Toronto Maple Leafs parent company MLSE has become the latest company to buy an English team when they acquired Newcastle United.  An MLSE spokesman cited several reason that attracted them to Newcastle whom they called   '.. very similar to us.  No success for the better part of 3 decades, loads of money being continually wasted and an affinity for injured, stale, forwards past their shelf  life.'

Patrick Kluivert has demanded an explanantion.  He does not like being called a forward - he was an out and out striker, he says.

Alex Ferguson has revealed that he is furious at being labelled a chequebook cowboy - claiming his  teams are always well assembled from scratch and English talent.  He then proceeded to bid 37 million pounds for David Villa.  "We have to keep up with Chelsea youse see".

Ruud Van Nistelrooy went to a dive last weekend, did nothing except mope about near the bar; and still scored.  The unofficial description of the bird he pulled was 'scrappy'.

Diego Milito has scored another penalty in an unofficial 7 on 7 match against a bunch of stewardesses on a beach in Tahiti.  This was after teammate Francesco Totti has missed 4 previous penalties.  When  reached for comment on how he felt on having gotten the monkey of his back, serial penalty misser Martin Palermo was unavailable.

In said same match Rivaldo scored a goal off a bicycle kick before insisting that he does not save his best form for club matches.

Adrian Mutu, Francesco Falchi and Marco Boriello have started a rock band named 'Drugged'.  Stan Collymore has been siged to play the drums - apparently they needed someone to be the crazy one.

The English FA have fined Arsenal since they had nothing better to do.  They also felt it would deflect the ire directed at England by way of some foreigners.

Julio Baptista has hit the cross bar again.  Boy that lad is on fire.

Serbia have revealed that for the WC 2010 Qualifiers, they will be playing as 'Serbia without  Vojvodina' as the latter named province has voted in a referendum to secede.  Savo Milosevic has promptly claimed that playing for a fifth different football team was too much.  Chain smoking Robert  Prosinecki however has declared his availability for the team.

Someone slapped Gilberto.  He simply smiled and shrugged it off.  The Police still took him in, held him for the night and punished him further for playing the Banjo in his cell.

Peter Kenyon has died.  No one cares.  Roman Abramovich's ex-wife tossed a celery at the wake.

Robbie Savage has decided to pursue a career in the Ultimate Fighting Championship after football.  He said he needed to do something calming and non-violent that he was good at.

Alex Ferguson has claimed Chelsea have the upper hand in the race for the title.  Jose Mourinho was unavailable for comment - something about being at a secret location with the SAS.

The English FA have fined Arsenal.  Suleiman Merchant has gone on a hunger strike.

This post has finally ended.

Wrap up of Saturday's games.

 

Upset of the round:

 

Kazakhstan 2 - 1 Serbia

 

One would have thought Yugoslavia's defeat to Azerbaijan during qualification for Euro 2004 was an all time low, never to be repeated. One was also obviously wrong as Javier Clemente ensured Serbia sunk to a new low. It made sense to rest first choice defenders, Ivica Dragutinovic and Mladen Krstaljic, as Borat's boys would obviously be Serbia's weakest opponents; but not in view of the performance their understudies delivered. 23 shots, zero goals on offence. Meanwhile, two goals conceded off defensive lapses. Serbia, are you Arsenal in disguise ? Oh and by the way - Azerbaijan still have to be played and Zigic will be suspended for two games.

 

Lame result of the round:

 

Israel 0 - 0 England

 

Here's a thought, maybe, just maybe, England's players aren't really that good. Away from the cushioning and refereeing nepotism of the domestic league, England's stars are a rudderless ship, one bad steer away from the craggy rocks of non-qualification. Mclaren may be the most unsuitable coach in International football right now, but the complete inability of any of the English 'stars' to rise to the occasion and lift the team is the more damning indictment of England's chances of winning Euro 2008. Sorry Frank. It had to be said.

 

Terrific results of the round:

 

Greece 1 - 4 Turkey

 

Turkey were playing their biggest rivals away at their home. It was a top of the table clash between two teams who were 100% going into the game. Then even went a goal behind. Massive, massive result. Much will be made of Germany and Croatia going clear in their groups, but Turkey have taken the biggest step towards Austria-Switzerland.

 

Czech Republic 1 - 2 Germany

 

Again, top of the table clash between two unbeaten teams - both talented, skilled and well drilled as a team. Germany were playing in the Czech Republic, went a goal down but came back to trump their strongest opposition in the group. Roll on Austria-Switzerland. Injuries aside, this result should go a long way towards tying up the group for the mighty Mannschaft.

 

Norway 1 - 2 Bosnia

 

Bosnia pulled off a plucky away result against a more pedigreed side. Neither country may make the Euro finals but are trying to stay in the slipstream of the top two. With this result Bosnia have gotten the upper hand in the jostling for third place. Oh and Muslimovic's goal was a real beauty.

 

Good International Derby result of the round:

 

Croatia 2 - 1 Macedonia

 

They may have left it late, and required another goal from their Brazilian import, but Croatia avoided a potential banana skin and have gone clear in Group E. For Macedonia - file under plucky, tricky, erstwhile Yugoslav republic (see also, Bosnia).

 

Good but Ultimately Irrelevent International Derby result of the round:

 

(Stephen) Ireland 1 - 0 Wales

 

Steve Staunton staved off further slagging along with Simon Davies. Wales is so far removed from their victories in the runup to Euro 2004.

 

Big win over decent opposition result:

 

Portugal 4 - 0 Belgium

 

Europe's two best wingers combined to tear Belgium to shreds. Ronaldo's purple run continues and this time he didn't need to dive. Ricardo Quaresma on the other hand is the best player in Portugal right now. Belgium aren't going anywhere - not with leaden footed Daniel Van Buyten at the back.

 

Big win over less then decent opposition:

 

Poland 5 - 0 Azerbaijan

 

The Poles have replaced Serbia as Portugal's main challengers in Group A. Azerbaijan meanwhile, have games aginst Kazakhstan and local rivals Armenia to look forward to. Only interesting aside was Radoslaw Matusiak not turning out for the Poles.

 

'We're still around' results:

 

Liechtenstein 1 - 4 Northern Ireland

 

A facile win over minnow opposition perhaps, but it leaves Northern Ireland still in the running for the second place. Hard to believe that David Healy is going to be relegated this season.

 

Scotland 2 - 1 Georgia

 

You have to beat the opposition on the day and Scotland ensured that they did the chasing pack of Ukraine and Italy no favours. Top of the group, they are now the best placed team from the British Isles and Ireland. Special mention to Shota Averladze who ensured that Jari Litmanen is not alone in being an againg, erstwhile, ex-Ajax striker to score internationally this season.

 

Onto the next set of games midweek.