EXCLUSIVE: The 10 real reasons why Cesc wants to leave Arsenal

Forget what you read elsewhere about Cesc being annoyed with PHW's comments and Arsenal's lack of trophies, what you're getting this morning is 100% inescapable, iron clad, genuine, bone fide truth pie with a great big lump of vanilla veracity on top.

This morning Arseblog can exclusive reveal the 10 reasons why Cesc wants to leave Arsenal. I expect this information will spread like wildfire, get picked up by the tabloids and then the mainstream press and soon Sky Sports News will have a ticker, a 24 hour reporter with three mobile phones and claim this as their own exclusive - just remember where you read it first. Without further ado, let's get started.

1 - William Gallas makes a strange clicking sound with his mouth when he gets excited. To Cesc this noise is like the noise of somebody eating loudly behind you in the cinema. 

2 - He refuses to take part in Theo Walcott's post-match Glee parties at which first team members sing and dance in perfect, all-smiling harmony. He refers to them as 'a pack of thundering gleebags'.

3 - Cesc once found Andrei Arshavin sleeping in his locker at the training ground. Apparently he'd got lost and scared on the way back from the toilet. Arshavin was dressed as a sinister clown. The club refused him a new locker and try as he might he can't unclownify the old one. His sleep is peppered with Russian clown nightmares.

4 - Cesc found out that long-time mascot Gunnersaurus was to be replaced by a cross between a dog and a first team player. He felt he could no longer stay at a club which championed the Ebouesaurus Rex.

5 - Once, during a training game, Cesc shouted at Manuel Almunia 'Catch it' when a cross was played into the box. The keeper stopped to check the underside of his boots for feline droppings which allowed Carlos Vela to score a goal. Carlos Vela. A goal. I know. I know.

6 - Abou Diaby insists on performing scenes from Star Wars with Lukasz Fabianski. There's only so long you can listen to the gangly Frenchman say "Lukasz, I am your farzer!" followed by Fabianski's high-pitched girlish titter before you start thinking about life elsewhere. Or killing yourself. Fatally. To death. In the face.

7 - Last summer Arsene Wenger promised Cesc new faces to ensure Arsenal would challenge for trophies. A nose job for Denilson, a partial lift for Sylvester and botox for Alex Song were not exactly what he had in mind.

8 - If he hears 'The wonder of you' just one more time he is going to go full Columbine in the stadium and he loves Arsenal fans too much to cut them down with automatic weapons.

9 - Apparently Boro Primorac has an intense, musky aroma which can be distracting on match day.

10 - At the end of season party Cesc lost a bet to Bacary Sagna which means he's got to sport Saganesque braids for a whole year. 

He does not want his legacy to be tarnished in such a way. The idea of being the Catalan Floella Benjamin fills him with dread (not dreads).

--

So there you go. Don't believe anything you read elsewhere. This is the good, good stuff right here. Ask yourself, have you heard any denials of any of the above? No, you have not. That tells its own story right there.

In other news Fran Merida says he'll be 'eternally grateful' to Arsene Wenger having officially signed for Atletico Madrid. Clearly not grateful enough to stay and actually play for us, but there you go. He's an Atelico supporter, the move must have been pretty irresistable for him, so good luck to him.. I can't help feeling he's one we might wish we still had as time goes on. Still, no point living in the past. That's for historians. Give the amount of Leffe I drank last night I should be a pistorian. Sorry. Really, sorry.

Not much else going on really. We've got some rain in Dublin at last. I was getting worried for a while that we wouldn't get a proper summer but here it is.

I've got my water wings on. Time to splosh around the garden. Have a good one.