Injuries + the love of a football club by a corpulent Uzbeki

Wednesday, one day closer to real football again when we can get back into the swing of realising just how terrible we are again! I simply can't wait.

Robin van Persie will be in action for the Dutch of Holland tonight and he seems to have recovered very quickly from a hamstring strain. Either that or he's saying he's fine when he isn't. But he insists he's learned from his mistakes in the past when he said he was fine when he wasn't. He says:

I have been injured a lot lately but whatever the outside world says is not important to me. I just want to be fit and play as many games as I can. The entire pre-season went well at Arsenal and in the league too.

Picking up a hamstring injury can happen to any player at the moment.

Yes, yes it can. I'm running a book on him picking up an injury in tonight's game. 2-1 thigh strain, evens calf strain, 4-5 knee ligament damage, and Ebola at 8-1 is proving a popular bet.

Another one of our lads who keeps the doctors busy is Tomas Rosicky. We know his hamstring is a bit fucked but recent reports said he had been hospitalised with headaches after receiving injections to speed his recovery. His agent insists that is not true and says:

Everything is going according to the plan. Tomas' first comeback was rash, now we are treating the situation more carefully. The team of specialists that cares for Tomas, has been enlarged by another specialist which means the player will be cared for at the best level.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It might be a case of 'Hmmm, John. Any chance you could come over and have a look at this?'. 'What is it Dr Nick?'. 'I just do not have a clue'.

Still, two heads are better than one. Unless you're a mutant baby in which case it will mean certain death.

Alisher Usmanov was reportedly thinking about selling his stake in Arsenal but the fat, sweaty cunthound insists this is not true. In fact, he's rather taken with us, saying:

When a man loves a woman he can't conceivably sell that love. I'm in love with Arsenal. I have no intention of selling

What a horrible bastard. Love, as one fine singer in the 80s said, is contagious. But so are genital warts. And love can be a one-sided thing. Like the man who loves a woman but the woman doesn't love the man but the man stalks the woman, pesters her with phone calls and filthy messages until the woman is forced to take out a restraining order because the man is a disgusting creep.

That's the kind of love that's going on here. Usmanov is showing up unannounced at our door, sending flowers to our work and making sure everyone sees and sending cards saying 'We're meant to be together forever. And if I can't have you, nobody else can'.

I would urge all Arsenal fans to start carrying mace and if you see Usmanov then spray it right in his eyes. It's the only way he'll learn. The flabby, repellent, Man United supporting flangebasher.

Aaron Ramsey had a rather good game for Wales U21s last night. He scored an absolute belter with his left foot and made another goal. You can check out highlights here but I suggest skipping over the first little bit as it shows Tom Crapplestone scoring a shit free kick. Get Ramsey in the team, I say.

Some youngster called Jason Banton has left the club to join Blackburn. I read somewhere that he also left us as an even younger kid to join Sp*rs before coming back. The kid is obviously deranged, like a reverse Bentley.

Right, well that's about that. I'm off to stock up on mace, it's about the only thing that hasn't gone up in the budget here.

Till tomorrow.