Transfer deadline day exclusive live blog madness crazy mayhem thing oh yeah!!!

So here we are, transfer deadline day. I can say with complete and utter assurance that we're not signing anyone.

There's not the slightest whisper of a deal and unless Wenger and Gazidis are playing the hardest of hardball with potential targets and their clubs it seems unlikely anything's going to happen. I was thinking about doing a transfer deadline live blog but had visions of it looking something like this.

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9.01 - Here we go then. Let the madness begin.

9.34 - I've just had some Alpen.

10.15 - The first rumour of the day. Sebastian Frey has been seen getting out of a taxi on the Caledonian Road with what looks like Ken Friar but might also be his dad.

10.17 - Turns out it was not Sebastian Frey but an IT manager for a small web design firm. The older man was his life partner. Oooops.

11.20 - I am thinking about having a sandwich.

11.29 - According to 'Dave' who has written to the BBC's transfer deadline day live blog Ivory Coast midfielder Aruna Whamalamadingdong is having a medical at Highbury House right now.

12.17 - Aruna Whamalamadingdong has just signed for Man City in a £43m deal.

12.56 - Have you ever tried to count all the bubbles in an Aero? There's loads of them.

13.40 - I'm bored. So very bored.

14.38 - Transfer deadline madness! Reports all over the place saying that an as yet unnamed Premier League defender is about to sign for the Gunners.

14.47 - Who could it be? Is it Daniel Agger? Could it be Nemanja Vidic? Brede Hangleland at long last?

14.59 - The defender rumours gather pace as Arsenal confirm the free transfer of Mikael Silvestre to West Ham.

15.34 - Arsenal announce they have re-signed Mikael Silvestre from West Ham for £800,000.

15.38 - I can barely see the keyboard through my tears.

16.04 - Arsenal agree to sell Philippe Senderos to Real Madrid.

16.27 - Emmanuel Eboue is joining Atletico Madrid for a fee of £5m which we'll pay to Madrid in a series of installments.

16.46 - Loan deal mayhem!!! Jack Wilshere goes on loan to Newcastle for the season, Aaron Ramsey goes out on loan to Wigan for the season and Carlos Vela joins Mexican side L'influenza Cerdo in a season long deal.

16.58 - Arsenal signing!! 19 year old French midfielder Jean Claude I'nfirme joins from 3rd division side AC Inutile. He won't be able to play until after Christmas though as he is currently wearing one of those big neck collars after falling off his BMX bike on the way to training. Arsene Wenger says we're bringing a player of great potential who can seriously challenge Diaby and Rosicky.

17.00 - The window is closed. Arsene declares he is happy with the enormously huge and massively vast and colossally immense squad we have. That's your transfer deadline day live blog done and dusted. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go drink this bottle of gin.

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So I'm not spending my day holding my breath. Que sera, sera and what sera, sera not much at all, in my opinion. I'll happily be proved wrong though. If anything does happen chances are you'll find out via Twitter.

Not much else happening bar the Guardian reporting that Eduardo has already been tried, found guilty and convicted for his crimes against football and nothing Arsenal say or do can change that. Adolf Platini strikes again.

Right then, till tomorrow when we can just get on with the football.