I'm sure everyone has seen Hleb's recent comments.  Back-tracking by any chance?

I was thinking of using "THE GRASS ... is not always greener" as an alternative caption, but I decided to stick with this one.  Anywho, top left is the cunty Madrid President Roman Calderon, if you were uncertain.

In other news, Samir Nasri had porridge for breakfast this morning, and speculation is rife that he is now en route to London to complete his transfer.  Porridge of course gives one enough energy to last for several hours - and it takes several hours to fly to London. 

Sounds like pretty rock solid evidence to me, so I've pre-ordered my NASRI 8 shirt.

Maybe it’s the long, bright summer days, my daily caffeine overdose or the recurring drea… nightmares of being anal raped by Freddy Krueger, but I've been finding it hard to sleep lately.  No such difficulty last night.  Once I got home from the gym I decided to curl up in front of the telly with a protein shake and watch the second half of the England – USA friendly, hoping I might get to see young Theodore finally get his second cap.

Sweet jebus, what an utterly appalling idea.  Forty five minutes of:

Gerrard with a Hollywood pass, goal kick.

Substitution.

Terry with a diving header clearance. Mexican wave.

Reports are emanating from France this morning, claiming that Samir Nasri’s transfer to Arsenal is dead in the water.  Following France’s Euro 2008 warm-up match against Ecuador, Nasri told le Cirque de Vol Mensuel:

“The transfer to the Arsenal of London is no more.  It is a difficult decision.  I have taken many days to come to this decision as I wanted to be certain.  I have held discussions with my family and my agent.  I am soon to be 21 years of age and I cannot in good conscience make a move to England for four years.  In truth, I am not happy playing at OM.  Instead I have thus decided to pursue my dream.  I intend to join the Flying Circus.  I want to do the aerial trapeze.”

And there it is.  Bad news for us, but there will be other targets.  For Marseille, there will only be dreams of all the millions of euro they won’t receive.

With the possible transfer of Samir Nasri now beginning to approach Epic Saga status, many Arsenal fans find themselves asking: who is Samir Nasri?  Is he a winger?  Is he a number 10?  Is he a big-match player?  Is he a good boy?  Does he still believe in Santa?

Through the sources at my disposal and through speaking to a number of top managers who have worked with Samir, this article will attempt to answer these questions, and more.   

The brief:

Born in Marseille (France) on the 26th of June 1987, Samir Ben Said Nasri will be 21 years old by the start of next season.  He is 5'10" tall and weighs just shy of 12 stone.  He is primarily right footed; his left foot is considerably weaker than his right.  He speaks French and Arabic.  His best position is as an attacking central midfielder, but he is capable of playing on either flank.

What FMGenie says:

Preface:  Currently Samir has 155 ability.  In future, that could however rise to a whopping 185.  Wow!

Samir Nasri is a world class player.  Genie reckons that Samir Nasri is almost as good as Aliaksandr Hleb.

Samir Nasri can improve drastically.  Genie is of the belief that Samir Nasri has the potential to be as good as Lionel Messi.

The player's ability to spot a pass and create chances underlines the intelligence of his play.

Sounds good.  Of course good stats don't necessarily make a good player - after all we've all seen Chg Ng Dong in action! - so I spoke to a number of successful managers, to see what they had to say about Samir.

HornyHarold1990 said:

I had to break the bank for Nasri - he cost me £21.5 million.  He was well worth it though, he scored 37 goals in his first season as I won the quadruple.  Amazing player.

José Mourinho said:

When I get sack from Chelsea I do advance scouting and preparation in case Arsenal board get sick of Voyeur and want Special One.  I buy Nasri - 30 and half millions, and he score winning goal against Man Utd to win league in first season.  Rosicky is not happy with Nasri taking his place - I say shut up Rosicky - Nasri is a champion.

GoonerDave said:

The poxy little fuckhead turned me down and signed for Chelsea.  Wanker.

Sven-Goran Eriksson said:

Oh, yes, Nasri, he is a player I like.  But I never got to buy him.  I bought Bojinov, Elano, Petrov, Corluka, Castillo, Fernandes and Bianchi, all players with a high potential rating, and now I will get fired.  It is hard to understand.

The FM God said:

Beware Arsene, he's Le Sulk Mark 2.  I signed him for a mere £2.75m - due to my incredible negotiating skills - but he failed to secure a regular first team place as I had Messi, Vela, Barazite, Rooney, Aguero, Pandev and Van Der Vaart ahead of him.  He cried a lot so I put him in the U18 squad until his contract expired.  Moaner. 

Lloyd Grossman's Sauces Rule said:

That's bollox mate, Nasri is a model pro.  You just treated him like a piece of meat.  Romance him a little and he's a gem.  Go get him Wenger, he'll be awesome.  Get Kompany and Saivet too while you're at it.

So there you have it - some contrasting, albeit mostly positive opinions.  Hopefully this gives you a better idea as to what we can expect from Nasri should he finally sign on the dotted line. 

Oh, and last night I spoke on the phone to the complete cunt honourable and trustworthy JP Bernes, Nasri's agent, and he confirmed that young Samir does infact still believe in Santie.  Good stuff - if he fucks us over, we can shatter his innocence.  A fair trade, methinks.

Sorry folks, but I’ve decided against doing the Friday weekly round-up today.  I’ll probably do it another time.  Just not weekly.  Probably not on a Friday either. 

Instead, I’ve decided to make a list of things that annoy me about football and its orbiter activities (forum discussion, bar talk, punditry, Pele erectile dysfunction adverts, etc).

Irritant #1:  Forum users starting sentences with “As a [INSERT CLUB HERE] fan, I …”

This stupid phrase gets used ad nauseum on football forums and not only is it usually redundant, but it is also conceited.  What it really means is: “ATTENTION!  I am about to say something very magnanimous.  Prepare to shower me with praise for being such a wonderfully fair and even handed human being!”

'As a Man Utd fan, I'd like to say that I think Fabregas is a decent player.'

'Wow, that's really big of you!'

This also leads me into Irritant #2.

Irritant #2: ‘Thanking’

A number of discussion forums nowadays employ the ‘Thanks Mod’, which allows to you to ‘Thank’ a user for a good post.  It is meant as a sort of karma system, so that you can easily recognise good and helpful posters.  A fine idea, you might think.

However, in football terms, it means that any time a poster says something that another agrees with, they get a Thanks.  Or, as per Irritant #1, any time a poster starts a sentence with “As a [Cock City Rovers] fan, I …”, they invariably end up getting Thanked too.  It’s like the online version of the high-five only it isn’t ironic, and it just ends up being a tool for Generation Retard.

Irritant #3: Pele’s erectile dysfunction adverts

Well, not Pele or his adverts specifically, but more generally, legendary footballers disgracing themselves and ruining their playing reputation with cretinous post football career behaviour.  A prime example would be Michel Platini, who seems determined to completely erase all memory of his astonishing ability by spewing complete poppycock (my word of the day) every time he opens his mouth.

Irritant #4:  Arsenal.com’s ATVO teasers

Arsenal.com has the annoying habit of posting articles which give no information other than “Watch person X talk about Y on ATVO!” and suggest you subscribe to its monthly subscription online TV service.  Now I don’t mind paying - I had a sub when I lived in London, but cancelled it when I moved back to Ireland and I never bothered to re-subscribe.  What I do mind is repeatedly being duped into clicking on articles on Arsenal.com and finding that they are nothing but adverts for ATVO.

This week its Season Review Week.  Yay!  Thus far 13 separate ‘articles’ have been posted, and I’m sure there will probably be more.

‘Boot boy Benny Benjaminson tells ATVO:  “My daddy says we didn’t play good against Aston Vanilla.”  Click HERE to see more!’

Irritant #5:  Sepp Blatter’s stupid fat head

Self explanatory.

Irritant #6:  Ex players sticking their unhelpful oar in

Similar in some ways to #3, high profile ex-Gooners have a bad habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  For example, Patrick Vieira recently came out with his annual warning of doom.

“Beware Arsenal, you are in danger! WooOOOooOOoOoooooOOoo! I am the ghost of Arsenal past!” 

Now admittedly, there wasn’t much in what he said that you’d disagree with, but it is still unnecessary, and it happens much too often.  Too be fair to Paddy, he isn’t the only culprit.  Ian Wright, Paul Merson, Alan Smith and others are also repeat offenders. 

Anyway, six gripes will do for now.  I shall post more as they come to me.  Adios!

I’m afraid last night’s slugging match has left me feeling drained and dispirited, so I’ll be keeping this relatively short and comedy-free. Wasn’t it an unpleasant experience though? 120 minutes of jumping from the frying pan into the fire, back on to the frying pan, throwing some oil into the fire before jumping back in, and so on. Ignoring who was participating for a moment, you’d have to say it was a decent enough game – certainly better than three of the four semi finals, although still not a great advert for the Premier League. A Henry Winter article previewing the game headlined it as being muscle versus artistry but in reality, it was muscle versus muscle.

I found myself vaguely hoping that Chelsea would win. I thought it would have been a nice story for Lampard, who I feel a lot of sympathy for. When it came to the shoot-out, I actually felt bad for Ronaldo and Terry too. Anelka… not so much - he’s already got a medal, and he didn’t look that bothered. Cashley (along with Vidic) was the best player on the pitch, the cunt, and as expected he didn’t fuck up his penalty – but United won and completed a double anyway, so it was a highly unsatisfying evening. However, had Chelsea won it still would have been horrendous. Talk about your lack of options.

From an Arsenal POV, I hope Le Prof made sure every member of the squad watched it. If I could give one message to the boys ahead of next season, it would be this:

À tout à l'heure.

The Unforeseen
Prime example:  Eduardo

There is a commonly held misconception that most of our transfer deals come completely out of the blue.  Even if Wenger does specialise in somewhat obscure and secretive signings, if you trawl through enough blogs and forums you will usually pick up at least a mild whiff of clandestine goings-on.  The Unforeseen signing is that rare occasion when even the most solicitous web rat is caught unawares, and is sent scurrying to wikipedia to ask “who?”

The Epic Saga
Prime example: Baptista, Ribery, Robinho

The Epic Saga has several important components: the player linked has a huge reputation, and is heralded as a panacea to all the club’s ills.  There are other major European clubs interested, and the transfer fee is reportedly large.  Finally, the key component:  the story goes on for weeks, often months, and is sometimes even spread across several transfer windows. 

The fan following the story goes through the following stages: disbelief, excitement, hope, disappointment, hope, disinterest, hope, exasperation, excitement, hope, disappointment, disillusionment, acceptance.  In the case of Baptista, where the player actually arrives, there can be additional stages:  horror, suicidal thoughts, relief.

The Denied
Prime example: Bacary Sagna

This type shares the first stage with the Epic Saga – disbelief – but this goes on for a whole lot longer.  A tabloid, such as in the case of Sagna - The Sun, reports an apparently nonsensical transfer rumour.

“£7m? For a right back?  Bullshit.  We’ve got Eboue and Hoyte.”

When against all odds it comes to fruition that the tabloid has somehow managed to get it right, there are stages of anger and rebellion. 

“Pointless signing.  Wenger out!”

The Creamer
Prime example: José Antonio Reyes

The type of transfer that causes a simultaneous mass ejaculation by everyone in the Arsenal community. 

“Oh my god!  Oh my god!  He’s going to be better than Maradona, and we’ve got him!  Oh my god!   5 consecutive league and CL doubles here we come!”

Key component:  Stratospheric hype, accompanied by a reputation nosedive later on.

The Fictional
Prime example:  Rodrigo Palacio, Gael Kakuta

This type of transfer is entirely manufactured, not by the tabloids, but by a lay-person in the Arsenal community. 

In the case of Palacio, the folks behind an Arsenal website created a fake Boca Juniors blog, made a few old posts to appear genuine and then announced the ‘transfer’.  Not long after, the tabloids reproduced the story, demonstrating their high journalistic standards.  Hey presto, boil in the bag bullshit.

Similarly but less high profile, a copy of skysports.com was created recently at ‘skyfootball.net’, with an article claiming Arsenal had signed Chelsea’s young French winger Gael Kakuta.  This sad person even registered the domain name for the specific purpose of creating the story, but spoilt the effort with their pidgin English.

The Discreet
Prime example:  Nicklas Bendtner, Armand Traore, most youth signings

A story appears on a small foreign news site reporting that Arsenal are signing a talented 15 year old.  A couple of months later, that player appears in the Arsenal reserves.

The Unlikely
Prime example:  William Gallas

The sort of signing that gets universally scoffed at, up until it actually happens. 

“Chelsea give us Gallas?  I’m more likely to bang Pamela Anderson.”

I didn’t bang Pamela Anderson.  There is no justice.

The Recurrent
Prime example:  Seb Frey, Lilian Thuram, Yaya Toure

Similar to the Epic Saga except nobody really gives a shit.  They get linked every summer, sometimes in January too, and everyone says:

“Meh.  If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now.”

If any tabloid editors are reading this, a word of advice – stop recycling these stories.  We don’t care.

The Historic
Prime example:  Dennis Bergkamp

Similar to the Creamer, but it causes such delirium that much of the community goes into an ecstasy coma.  Another key difference is that the player goes on to change the club forever, instead of going on to change the temperature of the Atletico Madrid bench.

Well, my blog only amassed 12* hits yesterday, but it appears at least one visitor was unhappy with my Flamini picture.

Excuusie, but I find zis image very unfunnie.  I do not think zat a true professional like Monsieur Flamini should be subjected to thees sort of characteur assassination.  I feel he leave Arsenal becoz of principal and desire to play for great and famous Italien team.  In France we say 'Liberté, égalité, fraternité’ and zat is how he live life.  Maybe the Italien give him more égalité than zee Englees of Arsenal, but zat ees o.k., o.k.?

Monsieur Flamini ees a good man and very handsome in jean and leatheur.  Please apologise for thees insult.

MF, Milan

To clarify, I’d like to say that I don’t bear any grudge towards the Flamster.  He came here for nought, gave his all, didn’t make false promises and thus is perfectly entitled to join Milan, which is undoubtedly a great club.  The picture I made yesterday was just a bit of harmless joshing, so apologies all round.

On a different but still vaguely related note, any gooner who hasn’t been living in a cave for the past week may have noticed that we have been linked to Roma midfielder Alberto Aquilani.  I know commenting on this sort of thing is against my blog’s mandate, but I feel confident that the link is purely agent horse manure anyway.  So, what I wanted to say is this:  Isn’t Aquilani a fabulously melodic name?  When I say it, it evokes images in my mind of wonderfully refreshing bottled water. 

I think there’d be a real market for Serie A-footballer endorsed (or Premiership-footballer endorsed, if you’re really gullible) water products, so Alberto, if you fancy going into business with me, drop me a mail. 

* Best estimation, may be exaggerative.

This will probably come back to haunt me, but it had to be done!