Jack plays cack for the reserves – Rioters riot

Arsenal reserves suffered a 4-2 reverse at the hands of the Norwich reserves last night, and unhappy fans were unhappy with their level of unhappiness over the unhappily fated defeat. Arsenal fielded a strong side including megawatt stars such as Jay Simpson, Amaury Bischoff, Kieran Gibbs, Francis Coquelin and Kyle Bartley, but it was the inclusion of hyperstar Jack Wilshere that sent expectations through the roof.  One fan outside the ground admitted:

‘I didn’t know Jack was going to play, but now that he is, Norwich may as well not even bother turning up.'

These sentiments were echoed by closet Arsenal-fan Ledley King:

‘Um… uh… Wilshere?  Uh…. Twelve-nil Arsenal.  Wait… Who are they playing again?  Where am I?’

However, things quickly went wrong once the game commenced and despite goals from Bischoff and Pingpong, Arsenal slumped to defeat, conceding an embarrassing four times.  Wilshere’s performance was described as “average” by one commentator, “poor” by another, “a load of effing waaaaaank, innit” by some geezer down the pub and “so bad it made you embarrassed for his parents” by Perry Groves.  

Angry tirades have been flowing into my inbox all morning from Jack-fans who believe his rise to superstardom has gone to his head.  Apparently, the excesses of booze, women and full-englishes (without toast) are becoming readily apparent through Jack’s lethargic performances on the field.  A live protest by two Arsenal fans wearing colours and a guide dog quickly turned ugly following the game last night, as the peaceful demonstration descended into a brawl which resulted in a dropped hamburger (with cheese, no ketchup) and a broken moped headlight.

Here at the JWCFW we are all gravely concerned.