Could He Get Any Verse?
Wednesday, 08 July 09, 05:07 PM · Comments (52)
Well, when it looked as though the country’s artistic elite would let us down with not a line, rhyme, portrait or sculpture to greet the arrival of our new manager, I had to take matters into my own hands.
As a man who is comfortable in the palaces of high culture, I took it upon myself to rectify the situation by commissioning Doggerell naGobshite, one of Ireland’s foremost Gaelic poets, to pen a few well-turned verses in honour of Carlo’s arrival.
Aside from negligible cost, Doggerell being one of Ireland’s most committed Chelsea fans only required the price of a pint or ten, there were many other reasons for choosing him. But the major drawback was his inability to write in the medium of English. Now this publishing lark isn’t cheap and in order to keep costs down I undertook the translation from the original Gaelic myself. It was hard work as naGobshite excels in a peculiar verse form found only in the 7th century bardic traditions of three villages in a remote area of Munster, but I believe I have rendered the beauty of the piece as it appeared in the original language.
Textual Notes (by the well known critic Limerick O’Loonihan)
Noting Carlo’s background in Calcio we see how, rather than engaging in free verse, the poet has chosen a disciplined and quite rigid form in which to give expression to his art. There is an ordered rhyme scheme coupled with a well-structured rhythm throughout the piece. This mirrors expectations of how the manager will approach the game.
Creativity, you ask? Well some would say that what sets the greats apart is their ability to practise within the rigour of a set format, the straitjacket of form if you like. Subtle changes of pace and rhythm, flashes of brilliance bursting out and momentarily changing the pattern, unsettling and inspiring by turns.
All this can be found within naGobshite’s fine writing.
(That’ll have to do O’Bayou. Being the Gombeen man you are you can’t be relied on to pay me for any more. Don’t go sending me any cheap mouthwash like you usually do. It’s a bottle of Powers or you’ll get it in the bracket next time we meet. And that translation’s an affront to poetry, a travesty. There’s no reason to be feeling so pleased with yerself.)
Editor's Note
O’Loonihan, while a respected literary critic, is not the full shilling as you can see. In the interests of artistic freedom I have printed his thoughts in full. Maybe next time I’ll spend a few more Euros and see what Seamus Heaney makes of it all.
The Ancelotti Salutation (by Gobshite naDoggerell, with an English translation by B. O’Bayou)
Hello Carlo,
Sit yourself down,
Welcome to our dizzying town.
West Ham’s East and Fulham’s West
But this is where the football’s best.
The Bridge awaits,
We watch, all quivery
Anticipating Pato, Ribery?
Will you prosper? Will you cope?
They’ll only give you so much rope.
The season’s long,
The prizes many,
What happens if we don’t win any?
Then friend, your fate is sealed for sure
You will be ushered through the door.
We trust this will
Not come to pass,
So stop a while and raise a glass,
Bid hail unto our latest chief,
Let’s hope your reign will not be brief.
Another book,
A bright new story,
We’re off again, bound for glory,
Thumb the page, turn o’er a leaf,
Read the chapter called “Belief”.
Your countrymen
Have done us proud,
We sang their praises, sang out loud,
The shaven headed, smoking Vialli
The Roman butcher’s son, Ranieri.
Guus, the Dutchman,
Son of the soil.
He made them sweat, he made them toil.
Once again we were a force,
On Wembley’s turf, we stayed the course
A pig man’s son
Now takes the reins,
A man with football in your veins.
You’ve shinned up the greasy pole,
To climb again must be your goal.
So take good care
Of our lovely boys.
To us they’re heroes, not mere toys.
Their skills, their hearts you must not scoff at,
We have enough of that with Moffat.
It just remains
To say good luck,
Remember you may have to duck,
The arrows that our press will fire,
To try and drop you in the mire.
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52 Comments · Add yours
Very funny, once again BB......
Your efforts on this blog are much appreciated!
I had sent in a BP Express late last night but naGobshite's work is of such class that this must get a decent airing. I love the iambic pentameter within each quintrain, so utterly hypnotic in such closed form structure.
The Bard of the Blog sir.
"I love the iambic pentameter within each quintrain, so utterly hypnotic in such closed form structure."
That's exactly - word for word - what I thought when I read it. Honest.
Top stuff, as always, Bayou.
Awesome BB. Another Great post.
Hearing worrying 'friend of a friend'-type rumours about Terry.
Reply to PeteW:
Do you think we are in for a Lampard style "will he wont he that stretches over" the summer?
With the possibility of Riccy going is someone involving Citeh to rack JT's contract up at Chelsea one more time?
The Lampard situation was one where he was possibly going to another major contender. Citeh are a season or 2 at least away from being up there by which time Terry will be over 30.
Is his back so bad he knows time is running out?
I ask all these questions because it seems hard to credit he would leave just for more money. I can see players moving to a similar or bigger club for money or because they feel they will get more football in the position they want (Gallas).
Of course you may be referring to something else altogether.
Intriguing.
Splendid stuff, BB - how can you have been overlooked in favour of that daughter of the other Gaelic stock, Carol Ann Duffy, for Poet Laureate recently [who was that at the back who said "very easily"]?
Perhaps the Daily Mirror will take up your cause following their recent publicity for Arseblog:
LINK
While I'd give the Adebayor effort more marks for presentation than the relatively weak content I note some of the po-faced Gooners who objected in the past to some of Giles Smith's joshing of their pretensions objected even to this mild stuff about one of their own.
I'm finding it hard to figure out why even our supposedly more responsible press continue to follow those strangers to the truth and accuracy [News of the World and Sun]in punting the Terry to City story so persistently.
This has to be the saddest story of the week with another take on the "Shirt Companies Take Over The Football World" which probably is the future, if not this specific example:
LINK
I've been told it's a money thing. Terry possibly calling CFC's bluff to get a rise.
Instinct tells me it is nonsense. But it comes from the contact who told me Lampard had signed his new contract weeks before it was made official.
Thanks for the comments all. It was a filler while we stood on Platform 1 awaiting the "Express".
I am of course available for commissions for weddings, christenings, bar mitzvahs, reasonable rates apply, discounts for chelseablog regulars ;-)
Apparently (and according to the missus) John Terry's chef has just been appointed chef at my son's nursery. Does this mean he has had to find something else as his services may no longer be required??
Just thought I'd throw it out there.
The 31-year-old Deco says he may now stay at Chelsea for another two years and said: "I am getting tired of Europe, but out of respect for Chelsea, I will stay on this continent a while longer."
This is the sort of positive mental attitude to get us all buoyed for next season ...
Ahh well, if he goes we need to be getting rid a.s.a.p to give us as much time as possible to be linked with loads of 'global superstars' we have no chance of signing.
We could at least offer to put him on a par with Lamps who I believe earns a few quid a week more.
Hope to hear something from JT himself in the next day or two, if not I'd say he's certainly going. Though why he'd do that to himself in a World-cup year is strange. I'd take him lifting the Champs League and World Cup and then moving to Citeh.
Just when I thought the art of rhyme was gone forever, lost in the darkest depths of yap music's misogynistic mumblings, I read your verses and was touched by the sensitivity and eloquence of your pen.
Seldom were such words used to such lyrical effect and that memorable couplet: scoff at and moffat, will surely pass to the 'A' level English curriculum as compulsory learning.
On the JT story:
Much as I'd like him to stay, there is little doubt that we would survive without him, especially if we keep Riccy, and the cash, plus lowering our wage bill, would be most welcome.
Although a wealthy man, if he were to sign a four year deal at nearly double his current salary, then that would be an enormous increase to his 'retirement pot'.
Bearing in mind that he might not have a future in management we should not underestimate the value of such financial security in these uncertain times.
Many players have moved on while still remaining Chelsea at heart and RayW is a good example, so there would be plenty of scope for him to return to assist in the future anyway.
There's also the challenge of igniting Sparky's boys.
He may also feel that less is more just now, and with injuries and age, the Man Kitty route might actually lengthen his career, with potentially fewer games to play.
In short, if his decision is to move on, then I'd accept that and wish him all the very best of luck.
Ruperts announced the games he's showing :
AUGUST Saturday 15th: Chelsea v Hull City, 12.45pm
Sunday 23rd: Fulham v Chelsea, 4pm
SEPTEMBER Sunday 20th: Chelsea v Tottenham, 4pm
OCTOBER Sunday 4th: Chelsea v Liverpool, 4pm
Saturday 17th: Aston Villa v Chelsea, 12.45pm
Nice chance to open up a gap at the top, well, before anyone else plays on the opening day....
You wonder what Bassong at Newcastle (when they were in the Prem)on 5K a week makes of it all?
That's quite a gap between top and bottom in a very select few, say 600 EPL players.
I was surprised I must say.
Maybe Terry wants a raise 'cause the price of Chefs has gone up significantly?
You may mock, BB, but Healthy Eating comes at a price these days!
Reply to fansincethesixties:
..and then he may be paying for his own personal chiropractor/ faith healer to keep his dodgy back going too ;-)
Not sure Chelsea fans in general would share your "wish him all the best" attitude if he goes.
While we generally avoid the eternal enmity to ex-players that the Wet Spammers exhibit I don't see how he could go and not appear to have manipulated the move like Gallas, who is the only recent example of a former player getting a really hard time when he comes back that I can think of.
Point taken BBD, and I should add that this is pure conjecture brought about by a lack of anything else to write about during this transfer free day.
I don't really expect JT to depart any time soon and would be far more shocked than surprised if he did; though, as we all know, stranger things have happened.
Reply to fansincethesixties:
I dunno. A judicious shop around the bargain shelves at Netto generally yields sufficient to keep body and soul together these days.
It's amazing what the meat rendering industry can dream up a name for and get into a tin these days.
I'm with BBD I think. I'm not sure fans would wave bye bye with a tear in the eye if he was seen to leave purely for a pile of cash when he's so well paid already. If he's fit enough and still at his peak it would look like of a lack of ambition and a serious case of wobbly leg in the presence of untold riches.
I have to say a lack of comment from Terry means absolutely nothing in this situation. He is/was on vacation, and the papers are treating the silence as if he's signing the papers at Citeh as we speak.
And the idea of Chelsea "not contacting" him as grounds to go for the transfer is utter shit. The idea that a lifelong bond would be broken over a missed call or two is ludicrous. The simple fact is, Chelsea are in the CL, Citeh are not. and I don't see them cracking the top 4 just yet. Since the CL is the last trophy Terry has yet to win, it makes 0 sense for him to move to a club where that is impossible to win. The lampard to Inter move made much more sense because they are obviously a top tier team.
This is just yet another attempt for city to flex their monetary muscle. If I were them, I would be looking for a defensive back much, much, younger than Terry.
And can we just throw Deco down a well or something?
"And can we just throw Deco down a well or something?"
I'm up for it....anyone else?
Reply to ChelseaTony:
Hey, let's be charitable and have a whip round to buy him a tube ticket to Heathrow where he can find lots of planes to take him away from this continent he's "getting tired of" [see above, entry 11 mark25]. Some footballers have funny ideas about "respect", don't they?
Reply to blueboydave:
Good point. I was obviously letting emotion control reason. But as he seems unwilling to go under his own steam "I am prepared to stay at Chelsea...." perhaps some volunteers from this blog might be up for some 'rendition'?
The ''throwing down the well'' idea, seems better to me...
LINK
ManUSA prepared to offer £17.1m and Berbatov for Aguero.
Surely we could offer £27.1m and Deco and get him? I mean, either way, Athletico are getting a lazy-arsed shit as part of the deal so they may as well accept £10m more in cold hard cash from us.
Reply to Fiftee:
I think that this is a far more suitable arrangement - I'd have big worries about polluting the water table if we chose the well option.
Or going back to Netto: most supermarkets are on the lookout for a sour faced lazy git to operate their check-out tills.
Possibility of a loan deal there.
Reply to fansincethesixties:
I'm with you FSTS - he looks like a surly so and so and his recent spoutings seem to underline the 'spoilt brat' personae as well. A whole host of perfect jobs for such a surly, spoilt, sulky and generally humourless and soulless character spring to mind other than Netto assistant.......
Swimming Pool lifeguard
Carpark attendant
Museum curator
Park ranger
London underground employee (any role)
Leisure centre receptionist
Cinema usher
HMRC Passport checker
Airport security officer
RyanAir cabin crew (any role)
Chelsea FC steward
SirAlexFergusongram
Traffic Warden
Doctors surgery receptionist
SouthWest trains employee (again...any role)
Night Club Bouncer (door security analyst?)
Macdonalds Drive thru employee
Job Centre Plus interviewer
People who work in the local dump (recycling efficiency engineers?)
.....the list goes on.......
Oddly enough - just looking at the list of Deco-friendly occupations......it's odd how the most public facing of jobs is often occupied by the person with the least capability in dealing with people.......or maybe it's just the reaction I get.
During my endless trawling of the interwebs, ive come across about 50 parodies of the Michael Owen brochures, seen here. My favorite is the Pippo Inzaghi one.
LINK#more-11831
Surely we could compose our own for Deco?
LINK
Deco - Brand Values
Most professional sports people have limited appeal - Deco scores in the first two matches and Disappears until some random day in the middle of the season when he scores again, then Disappears again.
Short
Lazy
Colorful(?)
Ninth Class
Good Looking; In a fake Japanese way
Articulate
Formerly Successful
Global- Except for Europe; He's tired of there
Technically a footballer
Old
Disinterested
Short
Can Disappear without a trace
Short
Perspirational
Committed to the couch
Portuguese
Brazilian
Looks good in Blue
Devoted to Shortness
Resilient to all forms of Exercise
Most professional sports people have limited appeal - Deco shows limited promise under Scholari, then spends the rest of the season outsulking Anelka under Hiddink.
Not Good Enough for Barca's, then Chelsea's midfield
Washes hair weekly
Priority Mail Class
Good Looking in those heavy adidas jackets on the bench
Articulate, that is when he's allowed ample time on the ball
Successful, 4-5 years ago
Global(maybe try the US or Asia?)
Technical, for the first 2 games of the season
Young(lol)
Stylish- that one bicycle kick and one free kick was cool, right?
Aspirational to get on Inter
Committed to one manager
Respected, but not by Mourinho apparently, or the rest of Europe for that matter
Cool as cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce
Sincerely wants to "respect Chelsea's contract"
This is fantastic!
We've cracked what to do during these non-footballing months.
We have a purpose - We find Deco a job.
It's obvious that he's finished with football in Europe, so we have the 'Deco Project' to keep us creatively engaged.
- The brochure's a great idea.
- Plus the list of alternative careers.
- We'll also need a CV.
I'll make a start on the covering letter:-
"He is a valued team player who is self-motivated and reliable. During an outstanding first season with the club he demonstrated the sort of energy and commitment that..."
Actually, I might need a hand with this, fiction was never my strongest point.
On a more positive note.
Went to the local chippie and turning through a copy of the Sun I read a cheering article about CFC.
After bits about JT they move onto Danny Sturridge who allegedly took a pay cut to join us and it continues:-
He said: "I'm not motivated by money. I am only motivated by doing things in the game, by winning trophies and becoming a great player.
"My main motivation in coming here was because Chelsea are in the Champions League.
"I'm willing to be patient to get my chance because there are world-class players here.
"But I believe I can push myself to the highest level and achieve big things here at Chelsea and through that get in the England squad."
This sounds like a great kid (or he's got a great script writer).
Forgot to add the link:- LINK
Time to retire to the TV...
What's to do on a Saturday?
I'll be enjoying an evening meal with a Ghanaian Arsefan (really nice guy btw) and both pairs of wives and kids.
Any tips on how to avoid speculation that Spuds finish above them?
I though it would be nice to say that 'Trophies aren't everything', or that 'It's not about winning, it's about taking part'
There's also the old crap about 'Attractive football'
Help. I need to come up with something soon to be sure he pays the bill!
Don't worry, I have a solution.
Somewhere between the starter and main course I'm going to casually mention how good Deco looks in red.
Sorted.
Not read today's papers yet and even when I do it will be with the usual caveat, but it has to be said that the longer this Terry business drags on without any denial from Terry or his advisors the more I think there may be something to it.
So we know it's likely to all be bullshit, but in my opinion, if the papers are to be believed, Roman and the club have played it absolutely spot on with Terry. There is no way we should be held to ransom.
I don't blame him for attempting to squeeze a few more quid out of Roman ( as if 130 grand a week isn't enough!), but if Terry really has had his head turned by City's money, then he needs to hand in a transfer request.
The club clearly doesn't want to sell him, but if City offer 40 million quid and Terry says he wants to go, then it will probably be considered a good deal for everybody.
I can't see him handing in the request though ( largely as I doubt he will ever be able to walk down the streets of London again), so the most likely outcome will be a modest payrise for JT up to the same earnings as Frank Lampard and a 2 year extension to his contract.
I have it on good authority he'll be gone within the week.
Well, I say good authority. My little 'un saw JT in a news report over the weekend and said "Bye bye John" which somewhat puzzled us, but that has more substance than most of the stories printed about him so I'm taking it as a given.
Anything more than £40m and I think we should take it. Sure, it'll be a big loss but that's a serious wedge of cash that (hopefully) Carlo could put to good effect.
And if JT decides to forego European football the season before a World Cup, then more fool him. And I say that as an England fan as much as a Chelsea one - we can't afford to head into next summer with him not having faced the very best players in the world by having no European football.
Morning all
Been away in the wilds of Devon for a few days; no TV, internet, papers etc. - lovely.
Seems that one story rumbles on though...
JT wants to shit or get off the pot, frankly - in or out, son. His head appears to have been turned, paper talk or not, and if he doesn't make his intentions clear pronto the club should (or maybe already have) leave him in no doubt as to his options. Aside of anything else, it is unfair to expect Ancelotti to make a decent start to his Chelsea career with all this nonsense going on.
Firstly, i still don't think John will leave. It'll just be too painful and hurtful for him to betray the club that has made him what he is today and will expose his regular claims to wanting to retire and then coach at the club as being a lie. He has to play Champions League football and City are just not quite top 4 material yet.
But Roman has played the situation perfectly. The signs are that he's willing to give John a new contract to match Lamps' which is entirely understandable. John is the captain and leader of not only the side but the lcub so he deserves parity with Lamps. But Roman has also been equally firm as well as fair with John. Asking Roman for City's proposed offer of £200k+ is ridiculous and Roman has said that if he wants a fair yet improved contract there is one available but that the club will not be held to ransom. According to reports, Roman also told John to do one if he thought the board would simply accept a £50m bid and have the blame put on them for losing the club's icon. John will have to come out in a press conference and tell the fans that he wants to go because he's a money grabbing bastard who thinks joining City is a logical and football motivated decision!
My heart and some of my head tells me that this is all a silly transfer storm whipped up by a bored media who have had no major transfers to report on within the premiership but my cynical side tells me that John's head has been turned (for a brief while like Lamps last season) by the money and tempting offer to try something new. But John will sign a new deal to get alongside Lamps and will probably announce it on some ridiculous "World Exclusive" Chelsea TV special in LA. The story has annoyed the fans but Roman has been great handling it and i'm sure he has reassured John that we are still a force in the transfer market and Champions League. Buck, Kenyon and Carlo have all said we're trying to sign a marquee name like Robery or Pato but that after...
only 2 weeks of the transfer window, now is not the time to panic. Personally, Kenyon has been pretty good of late in the transfer window (despite the Robinho debacle which actually looks like a masterful bit of dealing now)with 3 new, young and exciting purchases. John's worries are the same as the fans (further adding to the notion that he's a true blue) in that he wants to see some world class players at the club. We have developed signings into world class players (A Cole, Cech, Essien, Lamps...) but with Real looking good, Barca still awesome and having not won anything big for ages (well ages for Roman), we need some world class talent now. Everyone, including Roman realises this and John should just wait and see as things are looking good under Carlo.
Losing John would be a disaster, not only for his defending, as he's world class, but his leadership on and off the pitch is awesome and his general aura, improves the side. Ivanovic is a great talent and Alex is drastically less elephant like, but how do you replace John? It's impossible and Roman knows this, so in my mind there's no chance he's leaving.
(If i suddenly see John asking to leave on SSN, i'll personally hunt him down and murder that treacherous fool)
Looks like City have chosen Adebayor as their major rival signing instead of JT (not counting Tevez as he has no club), so it could be good news for us. City do look a good bet to beat Arsenal to 4th but how do you fit this into one XI:
Robinho, Tevez, Adebayor, Santa Cruz, Bellamy, SWP, Ireland, De Jong, Barry and Kompany?
Been away in the wilds of Devon for a few days; no TV, internet, papers etc. - lovely.
Are you saying that the South West is lacking the sophistication, and technology of our more advanced urban cousins JD? ;-)
Let me tell you sir, our local postman only last week got a new horse. How's that for progress in speeding up communications?
I'm currently on a tour of the US (well Florida really) prior to our games. Mr Arnesen is subcontracting all scouting of opposition teams to whoever will do it the cheapest.
Will hopefully catch the big Seattle game on Saturday, I'm sure one of the networks will show it. ;-)
Hope all is well in good old Blighty.
Clive,
Do me a favour please, I left a pair of sunglasses at the Sheraton World resort just off I-drive about 4 years ago. Third sun-lounger from the right by the main pool I think - can you have a look and see if they're still there? Ta.
Reply to Fiftee:
Sorry Fiftee mate, I need to replace the ones my daughter bought and lost yesterday. So if they are there I'm keeping them. :-)
Clive,
Nuts. Thanks anyway.
Disappointing news that Fergie has announced ManUSA aren't signing any more players this summer - means everyone they were tediously linked with will undoubtedly be linked with us now.....
Reply to Fiftee:
When did sports journalists let anything stop them churning out their made-up bollocks about ManUre or any other club.
Anyway sounds more like a negotiating tactic from Old PurpleNose trying to get some of the silly asking prices down for whoever he really wants.
On the other hand if it was true it would seem to leave them a much weaker squad next season.
As featured in "Bayou's Guide to Executive Office Furnishings" where we did a piece on how you go about choosing a bigger shinier desk ....
LINK
(wasn't he supposed to be on the way out a few months ago?)
Every work has got someone who always gets promoted due to the noises they make around the boss irrespective of actual results to date.
(and confusingly it always seems to work despite whatever logic, common-sense and dignity would suggest otherwise!)
Someone probably suggested that Frank would make a good Director of Football but they got the wrong one.
More detail on the Bates Libel Case. It's heavy going if your not deeply interested.
LINK
I used to read a website a few years back (can't remember the name)where some Chelsea fans who knew their financial onions used to try and keep tabs on Bate's wheeling and dealing.
Time and again it came back to Bates never using his own money, the fact that he claimed not to know who the people backing him were. Swan Investments and other less than shiny outfits were the names that always cropped up. Several of these characters had history with the financial authorities and worse.
If you go back and read some of the detail, the "saving Chelsea by paying a quid" is a much more complex story than we remember.
I can but think that Bates and his long time backers were looking to run another Bates Motel type operation up there with all that entailed.
I read this and shook my head.
"Leeds supporters, in the days since, have been asking whether that money will be paid by Bates himself or whether the League One club itself will be made to pay out. Bates said during the trial that he does not have access to much cash, because his wealth is tied up in assets, and had not put his own money into Leeds, despite selling Chelsea to Roman Abramovich for a reported £17m in 2003. Mark Taylor, Bates' solicitor and a Leeds United director, declined to answer that question yesterday, saying they are currently making no comment at all about the case."
Still at least his age old tactic of getting Carter Ruck to work over the opposition failed this time. Maybe they're losing their touch since the old boy himself passed on.
An interesting article BB, and one that anybody still unsure about Roman should read.
The thought that we were once in the clutches of that nasty piece of work is what's really scary.
I accept that Bates led us into the modern era with the appointment of Hoddle & Co. but he would surely have done for us in the end.
And all those critics of 'foreign' investors would also do well to note just what our own home-grown variety are capable of.