I Am a Pilgrim and a Stranger
Thursday, 11 September 08, 06:44 PM · Comments (43)
A sideways look at some of Chelsea’s away games for 2008/2009
It’s a bit late for a "Season Preview" but one thing’s for sure, you’ll have read plenty of previews that are more relevant, talk more sense and provide you with far more footballing insight than will this post. However you are unlikely to read any that combine bluegrass, gospel, Geoffrey Chaucer and the history of Paraguay, not to mention Marian worship, Catholic doctrine and reference to the Byzantine Church. Interested? I thought not. But read on anyway.
The sound of fiddle, guitar and the inimitable Byrds...
"I am a pilgrim and a stranger, travelling through this worrisome land..."
So goes the old bluegrass/gospel standard and I wouldn’t be surprised if Luiz Felipe Scolari finds himself humming this old tune from time to time.
In common with many of my fellow Chelsea fans I combed through the myriad profiles that littered the media following the appointment of The So-So One/Le Grande Felipe. Apart from the many references to Gene Hackman (already covered on this blog in the review of Possible Managers as Fictional Detectives), something else made me don my hard hat, check my Davy lamp and reach for my caged canary. Oh yes, here was a rich seam and I was going mining!
I am referring to Big Phil’s devout Catholicism and in particular his devotion to the Virgin Mary. Much was made of his visit to his ancestral home near Milan and the subsequent 12 mile walk to the local Shrine of Our Lady of Caravaggio.
Well, as someone raised in the Church of Rome, who has washed up for the Jesuits as a boy, thought he had a vocation to the De La Salles as an adolescent and inadvertently taught in an Opus Dei establishment (not an experience I would want to repeat) as a student, this was all grist to my theological mill.
Now I don’t want to cause offence, mock a man’s sincerely held beliefs or put myself in the way of eternal hellfire and damnation, but this is all just too good an opportunity to miss.
So put on your sandals, grab your staff, take a firm grip on your rosary beads for it's that time "Than longen folk to goon on pilgrimages". [Line 12, the prologue to The Canterbury Tales, Geoffrey Chaucer, (c. 1340 –1400)].
Yes we will take Phil on a pilgrimage to the...
Selected Premier League Shrines of England
Like all good pilgrims we will spend our time in prayer and contemplation of our mortality and sinfulness, and then have a rest, a beer and a fag.
In order to maintain the religious and prayerful nature of this disquisition, each Shrine is given a rating based on how I think the result is likely to go for us: win – Heaven; draw – Purgatory; lose – Hell.
Bearing in mind that we were the most successful outfit on the road last year we should be looking for a lot more heaven than hell, but who knows?
The North East
The Shrine of St. James – Newcastle United, 4th April 2009
Currently in the throes of waving goodbye to the Second Coming. Notable for the Feast of St. Pius, a martyr famous for being eaten by cannibals, when on the coldest day of the year overweight Geordies expose their flesh as the watching crowd sings “Who ate all the Pius?”. Such devotion notwithstanding it is a shrine notably lacking in silverware.
We often struggle at this northerly outpost but it’s a critical stage of the season – Heaven.
The Shrine of St. Okoe – Sunderland, 24th May 2009
Legend has it that the Roker Roar is the voice of God. It certainly elevates the soul and evacuates the bowels. The twin Irish Saints, Niall and Keano are currently engaged in feverish missionary activity, imbuing a discipline and order to the natives, not seen since the Jesuits in Paraguay during the 17th century.
As they have adopted a missionary position I predict a right royal rogering on the last day of the season (oops, we’re on pilgrimage) – Heaven.
The Shrine of St. Jack of Charlton – Middlesbrough, 18th October 2008
Where the great man prepared himself before going off to bring enlightenment to the Irish. A shrine that always promises great things but somehow disappoints. Notable for the McClaren Festival where the locals all carry an umbrella and practise a wonky smile.
Well I just don’t know, they look weak but... Purgatory.
Yorkshire
The Shrine of Blessed Dean Windass – Hull City, 29th October 2008
A new shrine raised in honour of the popular Blessed Dean of Windass. There was an attempt to promote him to Sainthood when a local eight year-old was cured of heroin addiction after claiming to see his face in a melting welly, but this was later established to be another apparition of the well known Northern Irish martyr St. Ian of Dowie.
Our first visit, they’ll be up for it but class will out – Heaven.
The North West
The Shrine of the Truly Cross – Manchester United, 10th January 2009
Why so called? Because every visiting pilgrim is heard to mutter "Jesus, they’re nailed on to get a penalty". Should this not happen and victory somehow elude them, then someone, usually the referee, will be crucified. Notable for the feast day of St. Fergus of Govan, when the locals (and all the faithful from Cornwall to Kent) paint their faces red and refuse to ring any BBC phone-in.
I’d like to hope we revert to the old days where we had a string of victories but I’ll be happy with... Purgatory.
The Shrine of Eternal Hope – Manchester City, 13th September 2009
Standing to the east, as the Byzantine (Orthodox) Churches stand in opposition to Rome to the west, Citeh has always been a home for those who see themselves as invested with greater doctrinal rigour and self-denial. Now sharing the fate of Byazntium and falling into the hands of the followers of Islam. The locals wear their rosaries around the neck in memory of Blessed Sven who always had trouble keeping his in his trousers.
Bound to be a more severe examination than under the Blessed Sven, they’ll be up for it after recent events – Purgatory.
The Holy of Holies – Liverpool, 31st January 2009
Anfield, the Holy of Holies, the spiritual home of football, tended by the chosen nation, a holy people set apart, football’s high priests... Yeah right, if you believe Radio 5 Live. A singular history of unbridled success way back in biblical times, but of late they’ve too much time spent worshipping the golden calf of Champions League success while wandering the Premier League desert. In an effort to be their Moses, Rafa’s grown a beard but it's a long way from matching Charlton Heston's and every time he comes down the mountain with the Tablets, the line-up has changed. Notable for St. Gerard’s Day. A moveable feast, usually around February, when their most revered son appears to many and concedes it won't be salvation this year but (almost) certainly next year.
Having said all that it's heartbreak for us – Hell.
The Shrine to St. Jack of Walker – Blackburn Rovers, 8th November 2008
Jack heard the Lord say, “Build it and they will come.” Trouble is that in his excitement he ran off before the Lord finished and so didn’t hear him say, “... but only for a while.” So he built, they came and now they don’t.
With Ince keen to help his old mucker – a tough road to Heaven.
The Midlands
The Shrine to St. Stanley – Stoke City, 27th September 2008
A shrine to the great man whose disciplined and humble ways meant in 320 years and 40000 games of football he never got a booking, a fate that some of us wish might have befallen the Spice Girls. Notable for Saliva Day when the locals go around dribbling in honour of St. Stanley.
We should have too much for them – Heaven.
London
The Abbey of the Beautiful Game – Arsenal, 9th May 2009
Under the ascetic intellectualism of Abbot Arsene of Wenger, the Abbey of the Beautiful Game has come into pre-eminence. Thriving under the strict Wengerian Rule imposed by the Abbot, it is notable for its learning, evinced by the Great Library and the strict vow of silence taken by those sitting within.
I fear the worst despite recent joy – Hell.
The Shrine of de Sales – Tottenham Hotspur, 21st March 2009
Takes its name from the nearby Church of St. Francis de Sales and not as many believe from being a selling club. When young, St. Francis believed that he was damned to hell and so great was his despair that he was physically ill and bedridden for a time. This of course is the natural state of body and mind for most habitués of this shrine once the early season optimism has worn away.
Ooo err, I hate to say this but – Hell.
Like this blog? Help spread the word: 
43 Comments · Add yours
What's with your pessimism?
I agree with your prediction of a draw at City. It'll be a very difficult game. With new owners present, every player will be looking to impress. Remember how even Veron looked good at Liverpool in Roman's first game? SWP and Robinho will be determined to score and our first XI is looking very stretched. No Essien or Ballack means our midfield could be overrun if they play a 4-5-1. I won't be happy with a draw after the shit i saw against Spurs but i do fear dropping 2 more points to our rivals. I'll go for a 1-1. Hopefully Liverpool and Utd can cancel each other out on Saturady as well.
But Spurs and Arsenal away i can't see us losing. Against Spurs we'll be determined for revenge after Avram fucked up our invincivle record. At the end of the season when we're chasing the title, the side begins to work like a machine. Essien will be back and our 2/3 signings in January will have bedded in. I predict a 3-1.
Our latest visits to Arsenal have been tight dull affairs. Again, when at the end of the season we can't be dropping any points. I think it's time we got a win at the Emirates and without any Cech errors or Eboue breaking JT's foot, our side should come out on top. I'll go for a 1-0.
I do agree with your predictions for Anfield. It is our bogey ground. If we can continue last season's good fortune (Rob Styles penalty and Riise's o.g.) we could scrape a draw. But i always dread going to Anfield. I hate their singing before every game and Carragher's arrogant comments regarding their title chances. That's what made the 4-1 win so enjoyable. Shoving it down Carragher's face when he said we were scared to visit. Without TBH we've got a chance but i fear another Kuyt winner. I'll go for a 1-0 defeat.
UTd away has always been an up and down affair. We were invincible against them under Claudio. But under Jose they scarped a lucky win to ruin our 40 game unbeaten run and last season they won again. I'll go for a tight 1-1.
Errr,... interesting report BB! I think it may be time to release the "firm grip on your Rosary beads" as it seems to be affecting the oxygen to the brain!
There is however only one true God and it surprises me that his location failed to make your list. It is unfortunate in the extreme that Saint Gianfranco will be entertaining the caravan-dwellers at that well-known sanctuary for caravan dwellers and Bangladeshi's in East London for the foreseeable future!
There is no doubting you are a well read man BB... I would say your view on all things heavenly put your IQ on a par with that man in a wheelchair, Mr S Hawking or could it be Ironside!
Anyway interesting take on our crusade to these foreign and holy lands, but we all know deep down, that our heathen approach to all things football will never win over the self-righteous holier then though football purists. So I say let us just rape and pillage our way to the top!
I dont think we will draw at City. I agree it wil be a hard game but I believe that Robinho will tip it into our favour and we will get a win.
Enough of the players seem to be mightily annoyed that he said one thing for so long and then did another. As such I believe (and hope) that when one team needs to dig a little deeper the fire in our team's belly will be that bit hotter!
One player that does worry me is SWP - I would not bet against him having an absolute stormer!
Drogba to make his comeback for the last 30 mins and score the winner? Hmmmm it wouldnt surprise me!
@ MUNKEY
Good grief! Hello stranger, long time no text! How's you? Miss me? lol..;)
@ BLUEBAYOU
Good review (i think!!)..i'll have a few drinks later and read it again, by which time the men in the white coats should've arrived at your place to safely escort you back to hospital..;)
What's with the "saliva day" aimed at Stoke btw? I don't walk around all day dribbling! Afraid i can't speak for 13JOE13 though! :S
Chelsea have not accepted Steve Clarke's resignation and have refused West Ham permission to speak to him.
Hi Munkey,
I'm inclined to believe DD will make a fleeting, strop-tastic appearance tomorrow night when it'll be apparent he's miles away from being fit and alleviating our striking shortage.
He'll jog around, showing general dis-interest, displaying a poor touch and generally make us wonder why he's there when Di Santo sits on the bench for the duration.
With my general pessimism for all things Chelsea, I'll go for a grotty, dull 1 - 1 draw.
BB - your prose has the hallmark of madness that accompanies every creative genius sir.
I doff my cap respectably in your direction.
Back to the Philosophy, 4 weeks to go...........
Oh, and Steve Clarke will be going. Once this sort of thing happens it can rarely be stopped. I think last seasons shenanigans and his subsequent body language knocked the heart from him, soured the milk, tainted the meal, upset the applecart.... ad infinitum until the promised land of Hackneyed ClicheVille is finally reached.
@BB - now that Galliani has stated unequivocally that we don't have an option to buy Kaka surely we must assume that the other Great God Botherer will be joining us in January in time to turn us away from some of your predicted Purgatory and Hell and pave the way to perpetual Heaven....
@ Habs
I think you need to take some Lighten Up potion. It's just a bit of fun.......
@ Lolli
There is a very naughty response to your dribbling comment, but I'll steer clear :-)
Very wise Uncle TONY...very wise..x
Hey Lolli and Fiftee - hope you are both very well.
LOL - fiftee I have missed your doom and gloom outlook - He will strop around, I think with DD that is guaranteed - but a wonder strike to relieve his frustration and then an arrogant hitting of the chest as he trots to the corner flag with a look of "yup thats right b*tches, who is your daddy" would not surprise me - in all honesty, in a kind of wierd way, i have missed it!
Just got CFC Text - apparently Ballack is OUT of action for Abu Dhabi City, Mikel is in full training and .....get this......Drogba is 60/70% fit!!
Errrr.....call me Mr Picky, but doesn't that mean he isn't actually fit?
@BB-Never seen so many off-target shooting, in just one half.
What thah :). That's an OBItuary for Assien.
:( so much
[wild applause]
In a sense, aren't all of us who follow Chelsea devotees of the "Roman" church?
Yes, sorry, it's the only Catholic pun you missed, and I have to be the annoying smartarse who reminds you of it ...
I have no idea whether we're going to win or lose anything. I'm still at the stage of the season where it's just good to be watching football again. I was just about ready to think that we wouldn't drop points to weaker teams this year, when the second half against Spuds showed what might happen without Essien and Ballack in full form to keep control. Perhaps this will be the year of the Obi.
@ TONY
Judging by that statement, he'll probably make an appearance late in the 2nd half then! Last 30 minutes maybe ?
@ HRNEY/HENRY
You are officially barking mad!! You make me laugh though!
@ HRNEY/HENRY & BLUEBAYOU
Do you reside at the same hospital??
@8. ChelseaTony - ".... ad infinitum until the promised land of Hackneyed ClicheVille is finally reached"
Your intrepid reporter has just secured this exclusive interview with an ashen-faced Stevie C as he left Cobham:
"I love this club and have always given 110%. The lads have done great and even though it’s early doors I’m over the moon at going to Dollis Hill to prove my passion, pride and commitment.
Football’s a funny old game and all credit to the lads they were sick as parrots when the gaffer had me just putting out the cones, but I felt I’d lost the dressing room.
It’s a game of 2 halves and I’ll just take each game as it comes, because it’s a marathon not a sprint and you get nothing cheaply in this league…."
- at this point your intrepid reporter's ears started to bleed but there probably was lots more......
*doffs cap in direction of Blue Bayou*
Splendid piece of work sir, raised a chuckle or two which helped clear something of a stubborn hangover...
@LOLLI I know you fancy me so stop beating about and SAY IT! Clive isn't man enough for you.
* Splendid piece of work sir, raised a chuckle or two which helped clear something of a stubborn hangover... *
I have booked my stubborn hangover for Sunday morning. The extent of the stubborn-ness at my age often means this will last until the early hours of Monday morning, which I assume means I get far more value for money these days from the hangover/alcohol consumed ratio.
@LOLLI
I quit throwing eggs, so let me enjoy this new braziliant Chelsea.
btw..people from a distance cannot tell who is WHAT!, so stop tackling me.PLEASE! i dont want to post more once in while.
Emasculated by Henry what the f**k is this place coming to. I will be donning my french maids outfit and worshiping the great god of white goods.
I know my place, my wife has reminded me of that on many occasions.
@ 23. HRNEY/HENRY
If you don't want to post very often, then don't!!
God!! I can't stop laughing!!! Don't know what's funnier though! HRNEY/HENRY's madcap comments or the the thought of CLIVE in a French Maid's outfit!! :D
why so pessimistic? Losing at the Emirates with this Arsenal side?! You've got to be joking...Oh & where is the prediction for Upton Park and (hate to say this) Zola's (and Clarke's?) Hammers? Or are they all athiests up in the East End?
My predictions:
Arsenal - Heaven
Spurs - Purgatory
West Ham - Hell
Man U - Purgatory
Man City - Heaven
Liverpool - Hell
Blackburn - Heaven
Newcastle - Heaven
Sunderland - Heaven
Middlesborough - Heaven
Hull - Heaven
West Brom - Heaven
Stoke - Heaven
Aston Villa - Hell
Bolton - Heaven
Fulham - Heaven
Portsmouth - Heaven
Everton - Heaven
Anyone here ever had their resignation rejected? Bosses I've known are normally only too pleased to get my coat ...
To be perfectly honest, I'd rather like to have the chance to resign one day, rather than just be forcibly ejected from the premises as usual...
rather than just be forcibly ejected from the premises as usual...
Sounds like that could be a normal night out for you JD. :-)
@mark25,
Trouble is, with the pile of coats left over from the numerously un-funny episodes this blog has witnessed, the bosses would be looking for a long time.
Hangover wise - count me in for Sunday. Playing football tomorrow added to the thought of Camel City away tomorrow night is enough to make me want to drink away my pessimism NOW.
Stevie Me and Torres have been declared fit for Liverpools game against Manchester United. What a suprise. Somebody should tell them that nobody really cares. Benitez "mind games" are a joke.
Stevie Me clearly didn't fancy the trip to Zagreb.
I hope the FA and Capello take a dim view of his 'miraculous' recovery, and a suitable example is made of him.
Erm, actually, no. I dont want anything resembling him to be made - more than one is enough.
Just drop him from the next few squads, eh Fab?
Don't think Capello will take too kindly to Gerrard's disappearance for the first two qualifiers; Croatia was a big game and the players who deigned to turn up did well - be nice if Stevie's Roy of the Rovers style ego had to be content with the bench for a little while.
Did I slip into a parallel universe or just imagine that FIFA/UEFA created a rule some time ago about players withdrawing from international duty due to injury not being allowed to play for their clubs for 72 hours after the game they miss?
Speaking of parallel universes I've been browsing the Fantasy Football games and found the following:
Guardian
1) Since SWP left us to go back to City his purchase price has shot up from £5.8m to £6.5m -how like the real world!
2) Ben Haim still costs less than half JT or Riccy but has more points than either and is therefore technically much better value - ahem...
3) If you feel inclined to jump on the Abu Dhabi merry-go-round and put them both into your fantasy team they will continue to count as Chelsea players under the Grauniad's weird interpretation of the 3 players per club rule allowing you only 1 real Chelsea player.
4 Similarly if you feel very adventurous I reckon you could probably put together pactically an entire squad of current Sunderland players using all the ones they bought from other EPL teams late in the transfer window who still count as Bolton, Spurs etc...
OleOle
1) They haven't got around to adding Zola as Hammers' manager yet, but
2) Not only have Curbs and King Kev been assigned to oblivion but poor old Tony Pulis from Stoke has disappeared too - do they know something we don't.....
Glad to have amused some and sorry to have left others bemused. Particluarly stricken to have caused offence Loli with my comments about Stoke. Neeedless to say they were not aimed at Blues fans in the area.
@LTB I'm sue somewhere in the Bible it says that God loves a smartarse so you and I are saved.
So thoughts turn to the City game and heaven only knows who will be fit for the game from a midfield point of view? Lots of little old ladies have been denied their hip replacements as the ever growing legion of Chelsea injured fill the beds.
Interesting to contrast the Keane-Warner war of words about a 150 year old has been and the silence about the absence of a supposedly key England player missing the week before a vital derby game. Can't say I was convinced by the Torres hamstring against Villa either. Time to insist that you can't play for at least 1 game after missing an international.
SSN were saying at lunchtime that Robhino will start for Citeh. I feel a hat-trick coming on.
I agree with you Tony the SC affair can only end with him leaving. I think its more than him using the situation for some leverage. Most established coaches/managers have their own coterie of trusted personnel and this sort of situation is inevitable. But they will lose yet another link to the winning team, what with the changes in other backroom staff.
@BBD Its late on Friday I left the office for a late lunch and never got back due to the evils of alcohol so I am a bit fuzzy on who the other Great God Botherer is. But I will pray for enlightenment. Your observations prompted me to think that we are due a major update/discussion on the fantasy football front.
Sweet Dreams one and all, (I go to sleep confident that an angel of the lord will appear to me ain dream and reveal the meaning of Henry's Gnomic comments)
More news from the miraculous recovery ward - Hargreaves and Carrick! Praise the Lord, he heals the sick and cures the lame.
I really hope we beat citeh. Just to shut EVERYONE up and remain top of the league. I've had enough of things happening and everyone seems to have a go at Chelsea like everything is our fault ALL the time. I also have a sneaky suspicion the scousers can beat manure, even though my football experience/logic goes against it.
Should these two things happen we will have opened up a nice gap on the mancs early on and with their squad almost fully fit (horse face will apparently return against villarreal) and ours struggling a bit, it could prove crucial.
Come on the chels!
Mancs and Dippers to draw 1-1... Perfect result for us....Hopefully with plenty of injuries on either side!
I think we will struggle at City, but hopefully we will have enough to get the 3 points.
I think we'll be ok..may be a tight game but i reckon it'll be City 1 Chels 2..
I'm very keen to see how Robinho performs, apparently as he's desperate to score against us..(so one tabloid reported this week)
@ 35. BLUEBAYOU
You didn't cause any offence at all sweetie..Agree with you, most people from Stoke ARE like that..unlike me. x
Good luck Chels x x
I see Robinho has done what he said he was gonna do..he's scored!
Currently 1-1
Well done to the lads on their 3-1 victory..go! go! SuperFrank!!! Pleased that Nicky also got on the scoresheet today..good on him.
Didn't you just have a sneaky feeling Robinho would score today??
This afternoon's result is made all the more sweeter as Man Ure got shafted by the Scum..
Hoorah!!
Up the Chels x x
well not exactly shafted but at least they didn't let them win..
After the way Ceteh were taken to the cleaners today, i hope it will at least wake them up to fact they have an awful long way to go to make the "big four".