The Bi-Polar Express End of Term Report Part II: The Worst of the Worst
Monday, 13 July 09, 06:01 PM · Comments (107)
The school hall has been quiet for a couple of weeks now. The grand hall of St. Chelsea of Stamford Bridge School for Bi-Polar Excellence has been bathed in an eerie silence since the end of term awards ceremony. All that’s been heard is the flicker of dusters on splendid busts and pews and the shuffling of brooms on the shiny parquet flooring, a choral background to the squeaking noise of the cleaners' trainers as they go about their daily chores. Just occasionally the silence is pierced by the quarter-tipped brogue heel of the Principle, the Right Reverend Dr. Anthony Jockstrap Blueheart-Glover as he strode through the grand hall, wondering and anticipating just what the school's governing body and benevolent owner had planned for the current and new intakes. He smiled at the raucous celebrations of that night as he sat, very much the school's servant and watched those fine young men toast their achievements, watched as they laughed and joshed with each other even those whose future within that hallowed establishment might be in jeopardy. Boys to men he thought as the warm glow of the memories washed over him. Even the men in the group had matured this year. And that would serve them well. He sighed as he recalled the hope that came with success, the expectation levels of the sponsors, of the people who came week in, week out to support those young scamps representing the august institution that is the St. Chelsea of Stamford Bridge School for Bi-Polar Excellence.
He poured himself another cup of Earl Grey, and knowing no-one else was around he indulged himself in the rare but splendid treat of a finely turned Cuban cigar. The glass of port could wait; it was after all just turning eleven in the morning. He’d finished reading the daily newspapers, chuckling inside at the thought of some actually containing anything remotely approaching ‘news’. He was heartily sick of the idiotic stab in the dark rubbish speculation that passed as serious journalism these days. In his mind they just made it up loaded it into the combined press corps scattergun and fired a few shots off every day. And they got paid to do this?
His office was small but comfortable, and as expected rather untidy, letters and correspondence all over the place, several half read books, a computer screen on the desk and jumbles of cables intertwined behind it. The paperless office was merely a myth put forward by pinstriped marketing types working for faceless corporate IT giants desperate to pretend their companies had human characteristics. In his eyes, as useful as computers were all they’d really done was add wires to the paper further cluttering his much treasured little sanctuary. Still, as he always said to himself when reflecting on life’s ironies, worse things happen at sea... apparently.
He was just starting to ruminate over why the word inflammable meant the same as flammable and that if the Universe is expanding, what is it expanding into, to be followed swiftly by such mindbenders as what was the best thing before sliced bread and why is a pair of trousers referred to as a pair when there’s only one when like a lightning bolt he found the inspiration to dig out his own X-files. It had been some time since he’d been brave enough to cast his eye over the horror contained within that file, but he knew it needed updating, and every year he knew he was the one to do it. He’d run it past his colleagues of course, after all, they would have to agree with the content, and of course they’d have to try and agree on a consensus for the X-team or else lessons would not be learnt. How could the esteemed school move on if it never learned from the lessons of the past? It was a tough job but he knew he could rely on his learned friends and colleagues to add their worthy comments to this most secret, wretched but funniest of tomes.
He walked over to the locked cabinet and turned the key, opening the stiff door slowly, fearful of the plume of dust that usually coughed into his face. Really, just cover the damn file in a plastic cover; that might help! Although the thought had occurred that perhaps time spent scanning it into the computer might be time well spent. He leaned into the cabinet and reached for the lone dusty file that sat there, thin and faded like a prisoner who’s been in solitary confinement for a year with no daylight. The file could have been coughing and blinking as he exposed it to the shafts of midsummer light pouring into the ramshackle office. On the front it merely said these words... "The St. Chelsea X-file – Eyes Only".
Another sigh as he sat at the desk, before a swig of his beloved Earl Grey and the satisfying pull on the Cuban finally made him sit up and take some action. He read the first page...
THIS DOCUMENT CONTAINS A LIST OF THE WORST EVER PUPILS WHO HAVE ATTENDED THE ST. CHELSEA OF STAMFORD BRIDGE SCHOOL FOR BI-POLAR EXCELLENCE – IT MUST BE UPDATED AFTER EACH END OF YEAR CEREMONY AND THE NAMES WITHIN WILL REMAIN FOREVER AS AN ARCHIVE OF THOSE PUPILS WHO MUST NOT BE FORGOTTEN BUT FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
WE WILL LEARN FROM OUR ERRORS!
The X-file was a simple document containing the worst pupils ever to attend the school, irrespective of their desire or work effort. It was based on the cold and calculating criteria of capability and capability alone.
Another deep draw on the Montecristo, the realisation that the port might well be necessary he turned the page...
Goalkeepers. Three entries: Les Fridge. Bob Iles. Dave Beasant.
Defenders. Numerous entries: Gary Chivers, Graham Wilkins, Darren Wood, Gareth Hall, Micky Nutton, John Sitton, Dale Jasper, David Stide, Winston Bogarde, Doug Rougvie, Keith Dublin, Khalid Bouhlarouz, Asier Del Horno, Vinnie Jones.
Midfielders. Numerous entries: Eamon Bannon, Ken Docherty, Kevin Hayles, Slavisa Jokanovic, Juan Sebastian Veron, Duncan Mackenzie, Phil Priest, John McNaught, Maniche.
Forwards/wingers. Numerous entries: David Hopkin, Darren Barnard, Lauren Charvet, Phil Driver, Mark Falco, Chris Sutton, Joe Allon, Alan Mayes, Trevor Aylott, Mateja Kezman, Robert Fleck, Gabriele Ambrosetti, Gordon Davies.
Managers: Danny Blanchflower, Avram Grant, John Hollins, Ken Shellito, Geoff Hurst.
A shudder ran down his spine as he looked at the next line, as if the horror of the names on the squad list wasn’t enough... the worst ever team selection from those on the squad list:
Beasant
Wood Jasper Sitton Rougvie
Bannon Hayles Jokanovic
Charvet Fleck Ambrosetti
Subs from: Chivers, Jones, Bogarde, Kezman, Sutton, Mackenzie, Aylott, Veron
Underneath was the caveat “To be changed as deemed necessary”.
Heart stopping, spirit sinking stuff he thought. The worst ever Chelsea squad and the worst ever team all on one page. No justification, no reasoning other than they simply did not meet the necessary criteria of having sufficient capability – damning and chilling to the bone for any hardened lover of this great organisation. He looked over the detail of the awards ceremony and sighed. Young Malouda had seemed such a likely candidate but he’d pulled up his breeches and put his head down under the kind Mister Hiddink's tutelage and showed he did not deserve a place in this Hall of Shame. He looked won the list, one or two slackers maybe but no-one immediately jumped out as deserving to be in this list... and then he saw the one name... the one person who had deliberately or unwittingly decided to show any capability bar a flash or two in the early stages. A tug of war took place in his mind as he battled with whether the name deserved to be on the list, until a memory of crowds baying and booing came flooding back, about underhanded comments made to the ragamuffins and urchins plying their dishonourable trade on the 4th estate. He winced at the sheer glee of those mindless hacks breaking virtual nibs to get the snide comments published. He picked up his Mont Blanc fountain pen, after all when one writes one has to have standards he thought, and slowly wrote the following words...
“To be added by club secretary... please update the file... in the midfield section please add the following name. Deco.”
One more glance at the page to check... he had truly considered adding Mr. Scolari’s name there but he knew deep down that he was capable but his intransigence and inflexibility had been the problem. After all it wasn’t like he’d been given the chance to get as far as relegation was it? The tea was finished, the port barely touched... he’d wait until midday had passed through before finishing that off. He closed the file and put it back in the cabinet, locking it back in its cell until the secretary could amend it. When it was done he would then garner opinion from his peers and colleagues. He smiled as he pictured Mr. PeteW, Mr. Bayou, Professor Kaiser, Lord Benfield, Sir Greenlight, Mister Be-Champions and of course young Squire Fiftee et al scratching their heads over the Deco decision. Still, as he’d once heard, he was there to protect democracy not practice it, so he’d let them all debate amongst themselves the merits of the list and its latest addition.
The cigar had some life left and he leant forward, touching the space bar on the key board lightly, as if he were gently stirring someone from their slumber. The screen fizzed into life and he saw the ‘new email’ message. It was from the owner, which was odd as it was usually his PA, that chap Kenyon who sent the emails. He opened the email and read the confirmation.
“New interns for next year confirmed. Yuri Zhirkov (useful left-sided player - see notes), Ross Turnbull (goalkeeper – Cech needs some competition) and Daniel Sturridge (bright prospect – see notes) – please add to list for next year’s evaluation process. More to follow? Just don’t believe the press! Yours RA”
A smile briefly travelled across his face, the thick fug of cigar smoke shrouding it in a faux mask of opaqueness. Peace and quiet are all very well, but normal service is heading down the runway very quickly.
And he couldn’t wait.
Servo puteulanus vexillum volatilis altus*
*Roughly translates to Keep the blue flag flying high!
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107 Comments · Add yours
Nice sequel Right Reverend!
Ah Deco...... An enigma if ever there was one..... So promising for ....errr, about 180 minutes, and then downhill all the way.
For mine, he doesn't quite qualify for the 'X-File' at this stage....I am prepared to give him another 12 months to justify his existence, in the same way that Malouda was granted a bit of time....However I am not confident he is deserving of the leniency!
I would also like to point out that his attitude and comments would most certainly mean he is a walk up start in the 'Least Likeable' file, if you can find one in the cupboard!
Perhaps I am a soft touch though, as I feel that a few players are a little hard done by to make the squad......Rougvie, Jones, Davies and Grant all provided much more than the others on the list..... Or perhaps time just leads to everything appearing 'rose-tinted'!
A bit harsh on Beasant, he suffers somewhat in peoples' memories from that match against Norwich when he had a stinker. He was back in the team once Porterfield was on his way, a few months later.
Vinnie Jones too was a player who was remmber more for his moments of madness than his flashes of brilliance. A great performer in the 1991 FA Cup run as I recall, and the first win in yonks up at Anfield.
Can't argue about Joe Allon mind, he was shit from start to finish. Last time I saw him, he was performing woefully for Hartlepool in the Fans United day down at Brighton. A number of people were chanting "Chelsea reject!" at him. I can't think who might have started it.
Agree Bez was not so bad - only struggled after they changed the back-pass rule. The goalkeeper has to be Tommy Hughes. Bonetti in a wheelchair was better - Hughes only got the nod if both Bonetti and the chair were knackered.
I cannot imagine the worst Chelsea team ever without one Wilkins (G) at left back. He set new standards of incapability which have only been hinted at since by the likes of Kezman and Jokanovic.
In all honesty we haven't fared too badly with keepers and for me the Norwich debacle merely crowned Beasants comical spell.
The list was provided by a large-ish group of friendly MH Upper souls some of who have been going for 50 years! I'll look into Tommy Hughes though and garner some more views.Feel free to add any suggestions I might have missed.
As for Deco...sorry Greenlight in his case I couldn't ignore the attitude issue ..so broke my own criteria there but as they say...it's my ball...
From todays Mirror :
"Arsene Wenger is set to nick Chelsea's highest-rated youngster in years.
Frank Nouble, 17, came through the ranks at Stamford Bridge but turned down professional forms with the Blues as he fears he will not get any first-team opportunities.
The free-scoring left-winger has been tracked for some time by Arsenal youth supremo Liam Brady."
Quite simply, how can we let this happen? If he's good enough, let him play. Surely he has to be given the opportunities. He'll undoubtedly be one that comes back and bites us on the arse if we let him go...
Lovely stuff Tony, as Deco should hang his head in shame. But where's Pizarro? Surely, a striker who doesn't score goals, loves being overweight and specialises in laziness deserves a place in our hall of fame?
As for Nouble. Well, he rejected the club's new deal and in my opinion he's certainly not our "best prospect for years." He's a bad version of Heskey (yep that's possible and Heskey was awesome at Leicester as a youngster) and Mancienne and Kakuta certainly have more potential than him. Add in Sturridge's arrival and Nouble will be nothing more than the next Scott Sinclair. A promising striker/winger who the fans are desperate to see succeed but ultimately just isn't quite good enough for Chelsea.
Can't wait until our LA camp begins as a pre-season with AC Milan and Inter looks pretty tasty. A chance for Roman to see Pato up close, hopefully.
Reply to haberdashers:
Pizzaro - how could I have forgotten him. Simply one of the most rubbish strikers to pull on the blue shirt. A man who made Chris Sutton look positively balletic. He is also now a full entry into the X-File. Good spot Habs.
Also just remembered a certain Mr. Tal Ben Haim from that diasterous summer of free transfers. He must be a definite for the file.
I agree re: Beasant. He wasn't a bad keeper. He was part of the England Italia 90 squad (although if memory serves me correct he only featured in the 3rd/4th place play off).
Veron is a weird one. I'm not disagreeing at all, but in my mind I struggle to recall him ever being a Chelsea player now.
What about Gerry Murphy? Signed as a winger from Palace (I think under Hollins) to years later missing from the team photo and not mention as to where he had gone to.
Boudjiwon Fucking Zenden.
What a piece of shit he was.
One of the few players who was so crap that I actually grew to hate him.
Of Tony's list, I have soft spots for: Beasant, Gareth Hall (scored a winner v Man Utd!); Vinnie Jones (he was a tosser, but he wasn't that bad as a player) and Joe Allon (cult hero). Don't think Barnard and Hopkin were all that bad.
Would definitely put the execrable Ian Porterfield on the managers list.
Yes, Jerry Murphy - which remind me of.
Alan Dickens.
My god.
What was the point of him?
An absolute flouncing fairy of an invisible man. Made Deco look like Zola and Makelele put together.
I particularly hated Zenden because of his stupid fucking first name.
What's wrong with 'Fred' or 'Bill'?
Morning Pete
Apart from our continued inability to heed the "Barcelona don't sell their best players" maxim, I can remember quite vividly when the masses finally lost patience with Zenden; Arsenal cup game at the Bridge - recall someone like Lauren or Edu running at him, Zenden virtually waved him past to score without attempting a tackle and looked decidedly disinterested when the net bulged. Many MHU natives were keen to vault into the lower tier to test out his alleged Judo skills...
Agree with agh57 about Veron actually; bar his goal against Liverpool at Anfield, he was so anonymous I can't even remember him doing anything unforgivably crap to be perfectly honest.
Nice one TG, by the way - always good to trawl through the archives of utter crapness to remind us that we are actually quite lucky to have someone sniffing around one of our key players with a £40-50m price tag.
I'm pretty sure in that same game he bottled out of a challenge with Pires of all people. Zenden was possibly the wettest footballer I have ever seen - an absolute coward.
Veron was rubbish against Monaco, but then so was everybody.
What a wave of nostalgia and nightmare memories I've had in just a few hours.
Last night I finally got around to starting to read Kelvin Barker's book on Chelsea in the 80s that BB [I think] recommended on here recently and then I log on to find this column.
Perhaps my Scottish roots are showing but I think you're a bit harsh on Eamonn Bannon, TG. I remember him as simply one of those Scots who failed to adjust to living in London and was too homesick to give of his best in his brief spell with us.
My candidate to replace him from the John Neal era would be Tony McAndrew, who inexplicably got a significant run [using the term loosely given his near immobility] in the side in midfield in the promotion winning year 83-4 and to add insult to injury was made captain too.
Seems entirely appropriate that he was sold as part of the deal that brought the truly dire Darren Wood to the club who I was glad to see made your team.
I agree with Chris above that Graham Wilkins was far more inept than Rougvie, who had good comedy value and was at least a trier [ I know, very trying].
Reply to Agh57:
Gerry Murphy! He's also now in!
@ PeteW - just for the superb rebranding job you've done of Bolo alone he is also now in. Alan Dickens was considered but when we drew the list up he had a few advocates which at the time was enough to keep him out.
@ Lordkaiser - when we drew the list up and when writing the article it did strike me just how lucky we are and how far we've come as a club. Without RA the list might have been much fuller, and when you look at other clubs....well......at least we avoided the likes of Marco Boogers, Repka and Ronnie 'how to miss an open goal' Rosenthal!
@ Habs - Ben Haim was never an utter disaster for me, just a tad under-qualified so he also missed out.
As for the Beasant fan club. well I remember being a big fan of his when he came in what with cup final penalty saves but a goalkeeper who can't cope with the back pass rule is about as much use as a tube of Viagra would be to The Pope. He had been phenomenally hopeless for some time leading to the Norwich game and until that time the pistol was merely loaded. After that, for me, it was cocked and fired. I also wanted Roger Freestone in but apparently he wasn't that bad and I was convinced it was merely my poor memory.
So, Pizzaro, Murphy and Boudjiwon Fucking Zenden are also added to the X-File.
Reply to blueboydave:
Yep, McAndrew also in. Slightly less mobile than Bonetti in a wheelchair as was so beautifully described earlier.
Nice try BBD but sorry bannon stays in and Rougvie.....the only player who did the exact opposite of what was required. Captain tells him 'not to go in too hard and concede a penalty' whuch through some complicated neural re-translation algorithm would end up as 'take him out of the game' and yep, as sure as eggs is eggs the penalty would be given. I've also never forgiven him for being the first (to my knowledge) Chelsea player to go to press spouting on about how Chelsea could win the treble, thereby instantly putting the hex on our season which ended up with bugger all!
Current additions;
Tommy Hughes, Tony McAndrew, Claudio Pizarro, Boudjiwon Fucking Zenden, Gerry Murphy.
Current subtractions; None
Rougvie has to be in for the 3-0 down, 4-3 up then Doug Rougvie fucked it up (younger readers should read the following).
LINK
apparently Sterland has since admitted he dived. The replay featured one of the best Chelsea goals ever - Nevin took a free kick, chipped it over the wall, ran round the other side and then crossed perfectly for Speedie to head home. it's one of those - did he really just do that - moments.
Reply to ChelseaTony:
It occurs to me that Boudjiwon Fucking Zenden coincidentally shares the same middle name as another omission from the X files:
Mark Fucking Nicholls.
Good 2 goal haul against Coventry (?) once though, and he did score against Spurtz in the 6-1 hammering up at the Lane, so as adjudicator you may feel that he doesn't deserve a place...
(he does though, really...!)
It's true, Beasant had some dreadful games before the Norwich debacle. He gave away a goal on the opening day at Oldham by kicking the ball straight at the striker and then a last-minute winner at Anfield (the Paul Elliott game) when he dived over a cross - I was at all three of them, and the Norwich match was just the straw that broke the donkeys back. There may have been other errors.
Norwich was particularly bad cos were top of the league but deservedly 2-0 up when he lost it.
Nicholls. He was shit but I move that anybody who scores against Spurs should be exempt.
Jody Morris deserves to be in the Utter Cuntery XI.
I don't remember a single thing about Laurent Charvet. Did he even play? I thought he was a defender.
Oh, just remembered another terrible goalkeeper.
Neil Sullivan. Fat!
Reply to PeteW:
'tis a fair point re scorers against Spurs.
I do remember seeing Charvet play once - no idea who against - and thought he was fair to middling; that was probably his stand-out (only)performance for us.
Didn't he go to Newcastle?
Listen here you!
As newly appointed Communications Manager on the 'Deco Project' I hope that you appreciate how unhelpful these remarks are.
I have just spent several days of my own time with important contacts from the EPL, and lower leagues, describing in great detail what an asset Deco would be to their squads, and all this talk of being among the 'worst players ever' will make his relocation substantially more difficult.
There is genuine interest from the South Croydon Retirement League who will be happy to take him on an expenses only contract (we pay all their expenses for the year and he only plays once).
I've also let it be known to Man City that we might reduce JT's fee from £40m to £30m if they also take Deco, but they haven't got back to me yet.
Therefore, during this time of intense negotiation I politely request that we provide a unified front and simply highlight what a wonderful 135 minutes he gave us.
Good article Tony, I can now smell the school dinners permeating their way down the corridors and across the quadrangle.
My memory might be getting a little hazy, or I'm wearing rose tinted glasses, but I remember Eamon Bannon as a skilful player. Then again I liked Graham Wilkins but maybe that’s because I thought well of Butch and Graham got credit by association.
Regarding current transfer fees and salaries surely the market’s going to blow a gasket at some point soon. Just like we thought house prices would never fall and banks were as safe as houses every bubble has a maximum circumference. The only question is which prick will burst the bubble?
How about Bjarne Goldbaek (sp)?
Scored a whole one screamer and that was about it.
Much like Jesper Gronkjaer.
Mark Bosnich?
I always thought Goldbaek (sp?) was okay. Can't fault Gronkjaer either, if he didn't know where his cross was going to end up, how could a defender.
Wasn't he and Kezman were signed around the same time by a Spanish team? Which unsurprisingly didn't turn out to be one of the most prolific partnerships that has graced La Liga.
How come Pannuci has not made list? Can't fault his ability as a player but he really couldn't be arsed when he was playing for us. Give me Gareth Hall anytime instead of him.
Project Deco Update:
I've just had a text from someone on the red side of Manchester who has asked if they can keep an option on taking Deco if we can't get rid off him by January.
Apparently, SAF is concerned that Micky Owen won't work out and then his judgement/sanity maybe questioned.
In such an event Deco has been identified as the 'player most likely to make Owen look good'.
Plus they only want £5m to take him.
Big T you’ve set more hares running than they do at the World Hare Running Championships.
I’m a bit pressed for time so will come back later with more in depth comment.
The reason I’m busy is that I’m about to address the “Slavisa Jokanovic, A Football God Annual Conference” (see picture of this morning’s session, that’s the World Wide HQ)
LINK
So I will be fighting his corner and demanding his removal in no uncertain terms later.
There’s a few others where I think it’s a bit harsh. Certainly Charvet is far from the worst and Pizarro has scored goals while a Chelsea player – he just happens to have been on loan at the time.
And a word for David Hopkin. Was never going to light up the universe but wasn’t appalling by any means. I append a recent photo for those who can’t remember him. (yes I know I’ve used it before and it wasn’t funny then but God loves a tryer).
LINK#more
@ PeteW (normally a man of urbane and moderate views)
I assume the extreme hatred for those with unusual Dutch names is that what with yesterday being the anniversary of the Battle of the Boyne, it’s bringing it all back that they were the last lot to invade and conquer good ol’ England
(btw have you got the detail on that French or Belgian novel about Heysel? Can't remeber which blog it came up on so can't trace it)
I’m being called to the rostrom must go.
Bad news on the Project Deco front.
South Croydon Retirement League say that they can't take him after all.
Apparently, registrations must be submitted within three months of retirement; as it appears that Deco retired sometime in March he is ineligible to play for them.
OK - I'll admit Wilkins, G. only really evoked embarrassment compared to the screwed-up exasperation that Rougvie brought out in so many -I recall the near demented season ticket holder behind me in the East Stand Upper Tier who used to spit out venemously at him virtually every game as his blunder level rose - "You Stupid Scottish Git".
Mention of Jerry Murphy, who Crystal Palace fobbed off on us somehow, reminds me of a connection between my old Scottish team, Kilmarnock, and them from the 70s when Gerry Queen moved from Killie to them.
This led, allegedly, to the Guardian report on a game when he became involved in an altercation with an opponent using the classic headline:
"Queen In Brawl at Palace"
- or is that just an urban myth?
Reply to Essiens_Father:
Bosnich was a superb keeper undone by drugs - no-one could doubt his ability.
Goldbaek........a good utlity player, unspectaculalr but useful to have.
Christian Pannuci - has since gone on to better things career wise but yes, when he played for us hewas a dog. He's in.
@ LordKaiser - Nicholls was borderline but as I recall someone else mentioned Spurs and actually I do think he was a half head above the others who did make the file.
Current additions;
Tommy Hughes, Tony McAndrew, Claudio Pizarro, Boudjiwon Fucking Zenden, Gerry Murphy, Christian Panucci
Current subtractions; None
Yeah, Pannucci was a dog's dinner of a footballer, one of the worst international players I've ever seen. Truckload of medals though. Italy's answer to Wes Brown.
BB - the book was 'In The Crowd' by Laurent Mauvignier.
LINK
As a Roman, I see nothing Glorious about that Revolution.
A controversial choice coming up; Frank Sinclair. Some love him for his famous dropping of the shirts celebration but for me he was just an idiot. Possibly the most stupid footballer to ever put on a blue shirt and his endless own goals and comedy dunb and dumber act with Michael Duberry earns him a place in the file for me.
No! Andy Myers has to be in any X-File long before we get to Frank Sinclair. And Myers gets a certain amount of bonus points for giving Roy Keane a good slap.
Frank Sinclair is captain of my cult heroes XI.
Was it Myers that slapped Keane? I thought it was Poyet.
I remember being on holiday when we had signed Kezman and Drogba and the paper I was reading at the time had an article about why, at £5m, Kezman would be one of the best signings in years, especially as we spunked £20m+ on Drogba.
And look how that panned out.
Maniche in there? Not sure about that. He was solid if unspectacular in his time here, maybe a little harsh to lump him in with some of the truly awful performers.
Definitely in agreement with KJ about Sinclair - he has to be a lllooonnnngggg way off the list.
Project Deco update. The kettle in the kitchen area of our office is knackered and a hot drink now involves visiting another floor to utilise their kettle. I'm willing to pay him 7p per trip if he's still available FSTS?
Certainly not The Worst of the Worst, but Bernard Lambourde deserves a mention. I never rated him.
LINK (a brief biography by Kelvin Barker)
I have vague memories of this:
"He was given an unexpected opportunity to impress after Albert Ferrer was injured during the Blues' ill-fated Champions League quarter-final second-leg clash in Barcelona but failed where many others have succeeded in shackling Boudewijn [Fucking} Zenden as Chelsea collapsed to a 5-1 extra-time defeat."
Also, can Andy Townsend's name be pencilled on the back of the X-file just because, you know, he's a big C U Next Tuesday who obviously wishes he had never played for Chelsea. And: ITV.
I might spend the rest of the afternoon coming up with my Utter Cuntery and Cult Hero XIs.
Just trawling through the memory banks during an afternoon fag break.....Mickey Bodley (I think that's what he was called) did anyone actually see him play. He appeared in the squad photos around 1988/89 for a couple of seasons. He had a sort of flat top with highlights as I recall. But I have no recollection of him doing anything.
Lambourde is another who gets a free pass cos of scoring against Spurs. Gallas similarly has escaped my utter cuntery XI cos of glorious last-minute winner against that lot in 2006.
Shit players who scored against Spurs - there's a theme here.
Townsend is captain of my Utter Cuntery XI. (apologies for anybody offended by my language, but this isn't the BBC.)
Not that I'm obsessed with him, but I think Bodley is the last but one (on the right hand side) on the middle row. Coincidentially next to Jerry Murphy.
LINK7306
There's got to be a few other candidates on here!
Shit players who scored against Spurs cont.. Tony Cascarino, Kevin Wilson.
Cult heroes XI:
Hitchcock
Wilson (Clive) Elliott Cundy Sinclair (Capt)
Gronkjaer Belletti Hazard Nevin
Vialli Harford
UC XI (some spaces need filling)
Bosnich
Pannucci Dorigo xxxx xxxx
Townsend (Capt) Morris Zenden xxxx
Durie xxxx
Another for the UC XI
Graham Roberts.
Reply to chelseablog:
Ahh yes Mr Esteemed editor. Andy "I'm joining Villa because I want to be at a club that will win things' Townsend.
Not a bad player though so I suggest he can't be in the CX-file for utter crapness. But on Pete's suggestion I am in favour of an X-File 2 based on Utter Cuntery, in which case Townsend would be in (as Captain), Scolari could coach (because of his tunnel visioned view) and such luminaries could be included such as Gallas, Lambourde, Nicholls et al - this also allows us to overcome the get out of jail free card faciltatetd by scoring against the vile Spuds!
X-file 1 - Utter Crapness
X-file 2 - Utter Cuntery
From the Desk of Doctor Blue at the Bayou Institute of Psychotherapy (in a poor Viennese accent)
At a time when speculation about Mr Terry is unsettling us all and making us question our devotion to these young men (usually a healthy form of transference of our deepest feelings for male family members), I can't help but worry about the reaction to Mr ChelseaTony's fine article.
It should have been a safety valve for subconsciously negative feelings about those we love, through the mediumm of vitriolic abuse of those we condiser unworthy of our devotion.
It is, however, spiralling into an orgy of destructive anger, with all sorts of lists now being contemplated and some of the world's moral and ethical pillars being dragged into the mire (cf Mr Townsend in #41 above).
At this rate it can't be long before Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Mandela, good lord even Peter Mandleson, will be included in a riot of hatred.
We have to calm down and return to a proper perspective.
Now I'm fully booked for a few weeks so in the meantime take 2 aspirin and a good quality laxative on the basis that it's always either the brain or the bag that's playing up in these situations.
@ PeteW
Many thanks [revolution my arse as Jim Royal would say ;-)]
Cult heroes squad - Ian Hutchinson for me, limited ability but Chelsea through and through and STILL the finest exponent of the long throw the game has ever seen.
UC X1 - Adrian Mutu, whichever Laudrup turned up but couldnt be arsed.
Lovely post Tony. Alas my first-hand experience of Chelsea only goes back two or three years before we suddenly became good, so I haven't seen too many genuinely, utterly, buttock-clenchingly miserable players. I'm reduced to thinking of players who were a lot more rubbish than we thought/hoped they would be, but in the overall scheme of things really weren't totally terrible (for me this is where Pizzarro and Deco and Boulahrouz and young John Harley or whatever he was called go).
I agree totally with Habs about Frank Nouble. Having seen him a couple of times I'd be quite happy to let him head off to the Arse. If they're reduced to poaching youngsters of his sort then it's grim indeed up North (London).
Been away for a while. What's the general mood about our inactivity? To me it looks like a signal that the suits have taken on board the idea of a longer-term perspective, and if that means Anchovy Latte won't be fired after a year then I'm for it. Pato and/or Ribéry would have been nice but not in the market set by Real and Citeh. Looks like we might actually be trying to build a team this time.
I'd hate to see JT go and I'm pretty sure he won't, but would it actually be a total catastrophe if he went? If Riccy stayed, Riccy + Alex + Ivanovic looks good enough to me. (Faith in Mancienne is fading a bit -- by all accounts he's gotten worse since being called up for England senior.)
Reply to PeteW:
I knew I wasn't going mad in believing that Lambourde scored against Spurs; watched that one in the Shed Bar which was something of a colourful afternoon - I was the least tattooed person in there by some way.
That Cult Heroes XI isn't a bad side overall; some decent talent, plenty of honest graft, bit of flair and no shortage of goals mixed with some comedic uselessness and a drop of sheer, brain-scrambling unpredictability - a side that perfectly represents everything eminently loveable about pre-Mourinho Chelsea?
And them's some right cunts in the UC XI - encouraging to know that we haven't had too many.
Reply to PeteW:
Can you try and fit in our favourite Barcelona reject (along with Bogarde, Petit and Zenden), a certain Mr Deco. Doing nothing for 98% of a season and then not bothering to turn up for the cup final (along with Ricky) as well as mouthing off about the club in the summer should give him a place in our UC XI.
Reply to PeteW:
Also just remebered a possible sub position in our cult heroes XI: Mr Ivanovic. Scoring a double at Anfield in one of the best performances ever by Chelsea in Europe should be worthy of some recognition.
Reply to Fiftee:
No can do with Deco.
It's not the money, generous though your offer is, but the outplacement team just don't feel that the position is suitable.
Given the requirement of keeping drinks hot while moving between floors, we have concluded that the workload would be unneccessarily taxing for our client.
I'm also with BB #48.
This most negative of posts is having a strange effect on my psyche.
While thinking about past rubbishness my memories wander to a dim and dismal Shed, watching dim and dismal teams wander dismally round a damp and dismal pitch.
There are large clumps of turf and potholes big enough to lose the ball in, and enough sand to make the new owners of Man Kitty feel at home.
A good team was one where the majority didn't belong in ours, or any one else's, worst 11.
Those were the days.
When 'mid table respectability' was not so much an aspiration, but more an impossible dream.
Almost as if it were yesterday I remember thinking 'Wtf are they doing here?' followed quickly by 'Wtf am I doing here?'
When the real exitement was to be found looking for the skirmishes along the terraces rather than those on the pitch.
The realization that it was about time to find a steady girlfriend and maybe think about a proper career.
Those were the days.
I'd like to nominate Bobby Campbell as manager of the UC team. He once told Le Saux "You're just the product of a German rape". Lovely chap.
Peter Nicholas too, another of the old school bullies who was utter shit as a player yet treated Le Saux like an animal.
Sorry to show up late for the party.
My feelings are quite simple Tony. Deco must go at any price. He is a cancer. He is reminiscent of the Gene Hackman failures. That's why Minero goes out the door as well.
Ivanovic- he's as much of a cult hero to me as John Arne Riise! Every time I play Roma in FIFA I get so tickled to see JAR's name. A spectacular goal scorer.
Mancienne- yes, he seems a bit out of sorts nowadays. Two things- first, he's young. Good defenders require that nous that only age brings. He'll get it. Second, his status has become unsettled, and he's young. He was getting games at Wolves, now he isn't. I think he might be trying to have a "performance" in order to break back into the England or Chelsea squad. He just needs to settle down.
In other news, I'm sad Setanta is gone for one reason: Special1TV is gone. If you haven't seen Puppet Ronnie's Ab Workout, it is a must see.
Being the eternal pessimist and all-round grumpy kind of bloke, this latest post is great!
I can't help feeling well, pessimistic, about our lack of activity in the window. I wouldn't be surprised to see the JT saga run and run and then we'll finally accept some astronomical bid for him, only to realise there is no transfer window left to replace him or buy anyone else.
Reply to Fiftee:
Calm down Mr Fiftee. Previous experience should tell you that transfers don't take off at the beginning o the window but more towards the end. Only Citeh are making a lot of noise, and even Madrid have calmed down in the last week or so. Liverpool have only really announced Johnson, Manure have only really gone with Owen and someone called Obertan, Arsenal to my knowledge haven't made any marquee signing.
I'm confident that we'll pick someone up in the next few weeks, just as long as it isnt Alonso, then I'll be happy.
@ Nick - I never knew that about Campbell, but if true then its bloody disgraceful. As for Nicholas.......I might just consider him for the X-File 1 based on uselessness.
Interesting comments from Sparky this morning; don't think this saga is ready to die just yet - planting the 'getting stale / new challenge' seed firmly in JT's mind (and the public's) is quite a canny move.
Key point will be whether he travels to the US today (I think) for the pre-season tour. Presume there is much discussion within the club but another increased offer will be hard to resist.
Reply to KaiserJonny_II:
If he does go, and it does seem more likely day by day then I think he'll have burned any bridges with the fans ...er well me anyway...because amongst the many human traits I detest then hypocrisy is one of the highest. A world cup year, another CL campaign, a club who made him who he is and he wants to gop 'for a new challenge'.....my fucking arse. It's one thing and one thing only sheer greed. It's about retiring with £100m in the bank instead of £90m.
So, take the £40m, tell him to fuck off up north, give the captaincy to Ballack (German National captain) and NOT Lampard (great player, lousy captain) and tell him to stop doing the Mr Chelsea bit and start looking to Mancienne for the future. Blood him whilst keeping Carvalho for another 2 years and go and get some English talent - Ashley Young, James Milner, Agbonlahor....or how about the pig ugly but potentially good David Wheater to keep the quota up.
Can you tell how fucked off I am .....it's nothing compared to how I'll feel if he goes. For me if he goes then I would never welcome him back as coach or otherwise. If he was an under appreciated player who decided to leave then fine, but can he honestly hand on heart profess to being unappreciated. Plus there are many others I'd rather see walk out the door before JT.
Reply to ChelseaTony:
Morning TG
Have to say on reflection that I can't see Sparky having made comments like that without JT knowing about it beforehand; they are supposedly mates and I wouldn't say something like that about a friend without being pretty certain that they were thinking along similar lines.
I can't get too upset about it really - 2-3 seasons ago it would have been unthinkable, but everyone has their price and as unpalatable as that is, where City are concerned at present we are currently Charlton and Terry is Scott Parker, if you see what I mean. Inevitable that you're only going to be the biggest fish in the pond for a limited period of time until a bigger, hungrier one comes along.
Personally, I can't see how much someone like Terry needs 're-igniting' and I have always disagreed with long, serious money contracts for anyone in the vicinity of their 30's as I think they have a detrimental affect on a player's motivation, but whilst the cash plays a part, Terry may well also be thinking 'bad back, 2-3 years left at the top, less football in a season before a World Cup...'
(The back problem is, I think, quite significant - I have a good mate who has exactly the same issue as JT (something like a herniated disc); very early 40's, former rugby player to a decent standard and he is in almost constant pain, regular physio trips and ultimately putting off a pretty serious and quite risky operation until it becomes absolutely necessary.)
He'd go with my best wishes and a slightly sour taste, but I've long given up on any concept of loyalty / one club for life and all that jazz. As maligned as he is by us CFC folk, I think the last remaining player who fits in that category is Carragher - always get the impression that he'd be happy to sell programmes /make the tea at Anfield if he couldn't play for them.
Reply to ChelseaTony:
Absolutely agree. After all the years of I want to finish my career here/I love Chelsea blah blah I find it utterly off-fucking that he could consider a move like this and that we're not even seeing anything about JT agonising over what to do. If he's minded to go - and his continuing silence indicates he is - then we should sell him but make sure we screw much more out of them than the ridiculous £30m offered. A concern for me is what this will now do to the club, team spirit and unity. If he goes, we lose a key part of the leadership; if he stays, how is he going to remain a credible leader when no one will believe he's truly committed to the club?
CT,
I echo your sentiments. CFC made him the man he is. Sure, he's attracted the odd bit of bad press but the club have benefitted from him just as much as he has the other way. I bear no grudge if we up his 'paltry' £130k a week to match Franks £150k a week - he deserves that.
But if he goes, in a WC year as has been mentioned before, then it proves he's nothing but a money-grabbing mercenary. Just like Barry - he had a real chance to hold down a place in the national side with Villa in Europe but the pound-signs illuminated and off he went.
There's no doubting there are exciting times ahead for Citeh, just as they were when Roman strode into the Bridge. I could even handle some sort of agreement for him to go next summer (providing he lifts the Champs League and WC) but I cant see Capello would look too favourably on his move either.
In short John, I love you. CFC loves you. You've been so willing to put your body on the line time and time again in pursuit of silverware - why change that now? You embodied die-hard loyalty until you returned to training. But your silence since then speaks volumes. Sort it out, and sort it out quickly because you're losing face rapidly.
I guess we know how Liverpool fans felt a few seasons ago when Stevie Me so nearly signed for us. It feels horrible and, from their point of view, he made the right choice. Fingers crossed JT sees sense and does the same.
PS - though his departure will give us the obvious skipper for the UC XI
It's an odd one, if he does go for £40 million it is probably a good deal for the club, but it is the combination of greed and hypocrisy that will end up with him being vilified (and in my opinion quite rightly).
I have a few mates who are Villa fans and the level of hatred the Villa fans now feel for Barry is astonishing and he didn't come out with half the "Mr Villa" stuff that JT has done.
I agree with ChelseaTony about Macienne and Carvalho (and suggested the same to KJ II yesterday). Arguably, Mancienne is a better prospect than Terry was at this age.
I know most of us would jump at the chance if we were offered a job that doubled our money, but when you have £30 million in the bank is, money really that important? I think I could honestly say in the unlikely event I found myself in such fortunate financial circumstances at that point I would put happiness first.
Anyone see that Villa just signed Downing - do you think that is paving the way for Ashley Young to head of to one of the 'Big 4'? And would we buy him with Malouda and Zhirkof already in the squad?
I suggest Asier Del Horno for the UC XI. Got sent off in CL and then slagged Chelsea off when he left. Cock.
Reply to KaiserJonny_II:
Afternoon your worship,
A very reasoned and rational reply which if I'm honest sums up how I feel once the bile and vitriol is out of the system.
As Captain James Tiberius Kirk once said when confronted with defeat by the treacherous Khan....
"I like to think there are always opportunities"
And maybe this would be one. £40m would be a bloody good price. The club can plan to move on, Carvalho gets a reprieve, Mancienne gets the chance to grow, we buy some good young English talent which all fits in with a rebuilding programme to build sustainable success like Manure have seen. I would live quite happily ever after with the grudge against JT for such blatant greed and disloyalty because I'm an Olympic Gold medal standard sulker and curmudgeon.
It's set me wondering about why Mourinho never came in for him, maybe there really was some enmity between them when TSO went.....I do think its a shame that the one club player days are over, as someone alluded earlier you can't imagine Tony Adams ever leaving Arsenal, Carragher leaving Liverpool, Charlton leaving United and Thompson leaving Liverpool, least of all for money reasons. And would I really be happy to see a Man City captain lifting the World Cup?
So, as I said, take the cash and use it wisely and move on.
Reply to ChelseaTony:
Beautifully put.
As i've said before, i still don't think he'll go as the years of loyalty and interviews saying he wants to retire at Chelsea and "can never see himself wearing another shirt" have to have meant something. But it's time i faced my fear and started to consider any potential departure.
Firstly, he'll be all but dead to the fans. If Sol Campbell still receives disgusting chants years after he crossed North London, then John can expect a whole lot more. I totally agree that any other reason put forward for leaving apart from money would prove embarrassing and pathetic for him. A tiny part of me wonders what it would be like if he returned to the Bridge in a light blue shirt wearing his precious no. 26 with the armband on as that return would be a huge event. Hostile chants would only be the start and i truly believe that some of the fans would start throwing missiles or coins at him. Ovrebo may have been the most hated person to turn up at the Bridge in 08/09 but JT in a City shirt would top that in 09/10.
Looking back to 05/06 and the infamous Stevie G moment also shows us what a truly loyal player does. He admits he was tempted but he quickly realised that money wasn't everything and he decided to stay. There are some players who are just impossible to buy and JT has said he's one of them along with Gerrard and Messi. So what's changed?
And I just can't see an upside for accepting a £40m offer for him. In a normal summer that would have been about right for JT but Utd's most important player cost £80m and Milan's cost £56m so £40m is pathetic. People say his back's gone but last season he played the most amount of games since our title winning one so his back can't be that bad and quite simply he's irreplaceable. Ricky's more injury prone than ever and there isn't a better captain or leader in the world so how can we possibly regroup after losing him?
And why are City suddenly more exciting than us. Just comparing our two best XI's
shows how ridiculous such a statement that is:
Cech
Bosingwa JT Alex Cole
Essien Lamps
Cole Anelka Malouda
Didier
Given
Richards Dunne Kompany Bridge
De Jong Barry
SWP Tevez Robinho
Adebayor
Mark Hughes may talk of John being stale but in my opinion, that public statement will just piss off Roman even more eventually killing the deal. Roman will probably see the JT transfer as a point of principle worth fighting for as he needs to show we're still up there with the best and certainly more able to compete and attract Europe's best than City.
So overall, i still love JT, nearly as much as Lamps which is the highest of high praise and when (yep when and not if) he declares his loyalty in LA, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. He has to realise that loyalty and commitment are in short supply in the modern game and if he decides to turn his back on us then so be it but he only needs to look to our no.8 if he needs help deciding whether moeny is more important than loyalty.
Ultimately one person could bring a very swift end to all the rumours, speculation and such like in about 10 seconds - the fact that he hasn't done so in the 2-3 weeks that this has been going on is particularly telling.
Dale Jasper......sorry thinking to much about this during mid-afternoon fag breaks!
Reply to KaiserJonny_II:
But could just mean he's using the situation to try to get his current extravagant contract level upped to the truly obscene level of Lamps or beyond?
Kremlinologists will be interested to note JT's presence next to Ancelotti in the official website photo today accompanying the story about the extended "global partnership" deal with Samsung:
LINK
Are the Photoshop experts in the club's media dept poised to eliminate him if it all goes pear-shaped?
Reply to blueboydave:
Good spot BBD
I think they've already been at work.
Is it me or do JT's and Ballack's heads already look like they've been grafted on to a neck with an identical adam's apple?
They look like they're listening to Tony as it looks fairly simple just to slide Ballack's head across, crop out the end with the untidy hand bag and voila Manager and Captain together.
mmmm troubling times
btw Did anyone else hear the Carlo hour last night on Radio 5 live. Pretty standard fare. Lots of positive stuff about the great man.
Left me thinking that we must now get behind him and make him welcome.
One moment stood out for me and it was when the report from his home town ended and the presenter in the studio seemed to think it was strange that someone from a farming background had got so far in football and doubted Chelsea had anyone else from "unusual" beginnings and certainly not farming.
He wanted people to send in eaxamples and not just Chelsea.
He completely missed the fact that Hiddink comes from a farming background for starters.
Then people texted in about Vialli's wealthy background, the fact Jock Stein had a mining background etc. etc.
Now I'm getting old and the world passes me by, but what sort of world do these people inhabit when they think it unusual for people in football to come from agrarian and industrial backgrounds?
Have I missed something? I know that the flight to the city means farming will produce less young athletes and we don't do mining much anymore but the bloke never said what he thought an appropriate background was.
Very strange. Or maybe it's just me.
Reply to BlueBayou:
Not at all, the same thoughts crossed my mind. Football is the only sport I know of where an inverse snobbery applies, i.e posh people with good educational backgrounds are sneered at, whereas simple working class agrarian and industrial lads are revered .....after all .....the boy done good.
Personally Darren Fletcher (the presenter) isn't in the same league as Mark Saggers/Pougatch and I would put it down to a lesser talented presenter. I was however mightily impressed by Paul Elliot (a cult hero X1 member surely) who came over as intelligent, intellectual, cliche free and fully in control of the subject of Chelsea. is he employed by the club because if not then they're seriously missing a trick there.
Sean Custis was his usual miserabilist self. Comes from being a 'toon fan.....
Have a look at this another possible recruit?
LINK
Reply to Enigma:
The link reads like a done deal and he looks like a great prospect.
We certainly seem to be future-proofing the squad this time round.
Not to sure if its a done deal dont trust the media, but if we do get him he seems like a deep laying playmaker.
Reply to Enigma:
And he's about 85 years younger than Pirlo - no bad thing...
According to SkySports, he's accepted a contract with us before we've even agreed a deal with the club. Didn't we get into trouble for that kind of transfer activity in the past with a certain Mr. cole?
My guess is that the JT story will end much as the Stevie Me one did. A couple of weeks of agonising silence followed by tearful declarations of loyalty, and in a nother week everyone will wonder what the kerfuffle was about. (Remember "Lampard to Inter" last year?)
Hard to imagine JT not wanting to play in the CL next year, and risking never playing in the CL again. That of course is why canny old Hughesie has been trying to spin the story around, so that instead of offering "UEFA Cup Football and a season-long struggle to break into the top 4", it's "The New Exciting Project Which This Time Next Year Will Rule The Universe."
The silence is probably sensible, too. Agent and family will be telling him to think about the money and not rush it.
It'll come down to: does he want to play in the CL and stay with the club he loves, or does he want the massive payday? All the rest (dressing-room rifts, disappointment at lack of big-name transfers etc) is just newspaper trash. He may decide on the massive payday, in which case good luck to him and we'll all enjoy watching him trying to chivvy on a bunch of uninterested mercenaries during a UEFA qualification away leg against FKB Dumplingz of Hungary.
@limetreebower - "we'll all enjoy watching him trying to chivvy on a bunch of uninterested mercenaries during a UEFA qualification away leg against FKB Dumplingz of Hungary"
-and he wouldn't even get the chance to do that till 2010/11 season.
In a truly sad moment I just pulled up a list of the participants in the CL Failures Competition for next season - who'd have thought there were so many European sides I've never heard of with so many consonants in their names:
LINK=837593.html
- oh, and I see UEFA have at least made a 1-game mini-backtrack on The Drog and Bosingwa's bans. KJII and I both said they were bottlers ;-)
Reply to blueboydave:
Took a look at that uefa site and the first thing I find are these Pratini platitudes: LINK=64/newsid=813447.html
That bloke is seriously dopey. He has 20 'values' which he turns into 11 by inserting nine ands.
Maybe he'll deny a backtrack on Drogs by saying it was actually a three and one game ban.
Let's try that LINK=64/newsid=813447.html again!
LINK=64/newsid=813447.html
Last try
It would be ironic in the extreme if JT ends up being remembered BY CHELSEA FANS as the bloke that cost Chelsea the Champions League, rather than the bloke who led us through our most successful period ever.
Personally I will be really disappointed if he goes and there certainly won't be a homecoming party if he returns to the Bridge with City. Ronaldo and Kaka left their clubs, but also left to play in a different country, which will make it infinitely easier for them.
JT is tough, but he will be in for some grief, the likes only Sol Campbell at Spurs and Lampard at West Ham have ever known. Does he really want that at The Bridge?????
I finished the season-by-season chapters of Kelvin Barker's book on the 80s last night and highly recommend it to all, whether you're jogging old memories or filling in gaps from before you were born.
As one who was there at the time it was still stunning to recall some of the horror statistics we produced in that up-down-up decade:
1980/81 - when we scored our last away League goal of the season at Notts County in November
1987/88 - the relegation season when we went 21 League games without a win before Derby put us out of our misery briefly
87/88 & 88/89 - though after relegation via the play-offs [yes, the play-offs] the mediocrity continued so that by almost the end of September we still had only 1 League win [apart from a 1st round play-off tie] in almost 11 months... and then in classic Chelsea style we went on to win old Division 2 with a record 99 points.
Returning to the original topic of this blog entry I was struck by how generous and positive to many of the candidates for the Utter Crap XI Kelvin is.
It's strange that one of the few players he has utter contempt for [and especially recalls his joy on hearing he'd finally moved on] is someone I have a complete blank about, apart from recognising the name, Alan Mayes.
From checking the stats I see he played over 70 games for us in 1980-83 and scored 24 goals which, though hardly making him Kerry Dixon, puts him a long way from Trevor Aylott or Robert Fleck in the couldn't-hit-a-barn-door stakes.
I must have seen him dozens of times but can't recall a single goal or miss or anything about how he played or what he did to make our rogues gallery.
Somebody help, please!
It's like shooting fish in a barrel for yer journo's but I thought this summed up the arguments quite well.
LINK
Reading comments around the place it's interesting to see Citeh fans feeling the pressure and coming out with exactly the same sort of "logical" and "reasonable " statements that we tried when RA came on board. They'll soon find out it's not worth it.
A final thought. Surely it's not a chance to help a club break into the top four that excites JT is it? Didn't he already help a club break into the top 3 already. It's the knowledge of what "?" represents in the equation
£ + ? = finish >5th.
that makes JT valuable to Citeh.
I spent a fruitless day atop the Terminal building at London airport with my binoculars trying to confirm that JT took the flight.
Had I realised London has more than one airport I wouldn't have bothered.
@BBD
Good to see you're enjoying the book. The second part is equally enjoyable for the player's personal insights.
So, is Joe Cole the new Michael Owen / Darren Anderton / Ruud van Nistelrooy?
Another injury, at least a month on the sidelines. Unlikely to be fit for the start of the season - I think, despite the signing of Zhirkov, we still need 'proper' wide men. What price an offer for Van der Vaart or Sneijder now?
Reply to Fiftee:
Not good re Joe; given his lengthy absence last season, he really needed a good pre-season campaign to get himself sharp again.
So this makes even less sense :
FC Twente have won the chase for Miroslav Stoch after signing the Chelsea teenager on a season-long loan.
Why? He looked mildly competent in the brief glimpses we saw last season. Scott Sinclair looks unlikely to get a real chance, Kalou seems destined to not improve beyond 'above average'. Does this mean we're pushing ahead and looking at alternatives? I'd say probably not. We'll just try and 'weather the storm' with those players we already have.
Nice to hear Becks' interview regarding JT and how he'll never leave because he's not motivated by money. I've always liked Becks and seeing as Chelsea specialise in targetting the world's best players but ultimately falling short, my prediction is that we'll soon be seeing Becks in a Chelsea shirt, be it this summmer or January. It just appears that Carlo likes Becks and Roman would too if we can give him the no.7 shirt and sell a truck load of shirts. JT also looks pretty happy in Seattle with the rest of the squad judging by the pictures on the website.
But in other news, Barca have signed Zlatan (according to reports) for €40m + Eto'o + Hleb which means Barca have their new striker, Utd have got Owen, City have Adebayor and Tevez and Real have Benzema. So where's Villa going to go? It's nice to live in hope in this transfer market especially when you see Pizarro, Sheva and Deco somehow sneaking their way onto the plane for pre-season. It may only be 3 weeks into the transfer window but it would be nice if our "marquee" signing could get a few minutes of pre-season action in America.
The Seattle game tomorrow won't tell us much about Carlo's new side as they'll still be jet-lagged and we haven't brought Zhirkov over but the Inter and AC Milan games should be brilliant.
I cannot believe that nobody (myself included) has mentioned David Mitchell, quite possibly the worst footballer I have ever seen in a Chelsea shirt.
I cannot believe that nobody (myself included) has mentioned David Mellor, quite possibly the worst human I have ever seen in a Chelsea shirt.
I may have borrowed a bit of formatting from PeteW for this.....
Poor old David Mellor - I mean, what's he going to do when his looks go?
OK, so there's also the worst Celebrity (loose terminology) Supporters XI.
In the file marked "Things that shame Chelsea fans", having David Mellor as a fan must be near the top of the list.
Along with Uncle Ken's electric fence idea and some of his rantings.
And Pat Nevins infamous penalty miss.
Adrian Mutu's dabbling with Charlie
etc etc......
Reply to ChelseaTony:
...Avram Grant.
In the file marked "Things that shame Chelsea fans", having David Mellor as a fan must be near the top of the list.
Yes I agree Tony, but one thing is in his favour, he did once describe Liverpool fans as "Feral"
LINK
So if Barca pay 35m plus Eto'o for Ibrahimovic, that must mean they are donde in the striker-buying stakes which leaves, umm, us to buy David Villa. Doesn't it?
The club must recognise that's where we'll be short in the Champs League and ACN - surely we're not banking on Sturridge and Shevchenko to fill that void?
I know that most transfer talk is tosh, but if there's anything in this LINK then it looks like desperation by us to make that infamous marquee signing.
Could also explain the silence from JT and CFC. If they're waiting to land a big name before he commits to us.
Total crap imo.
JT either stays or he goes, but letting any player influence club strategy to that extent is utter bollocks.
Hope it ain't so.
Like Ribery lots but I'm not sure that we need another winger that much (£70m).
Reply to fansincethesixties:
Utterly ridiculous. £70m for Ribery who we turned down the opportunity to buy for £15m in 2007 or Pato for £40m and Ashley Young for £20m plus £10m to spend on JT's new contract?
It's laughable the prices being quoted this summer. Just look to Zlatan's deal to see how inflated prices have become. Barca are paying Inter €40m + Eto'o + Hleb for him! No wonder Roman and Kenyon are waiting for the makret to cool a little before getting that big signing.
If Ribery is worth £70m, I reckon I'd go for about £10m. Decent player, but nowhere near the Ronaldo bracket.
Yes, I'd prefer Pato but it looks like he's not going to join us.
You'd hope that with Carlo's connections we could land someone special from Italy, there's been speculation about Vucinic but little else.
Plus, although quite tricky to spell, his name's not big enough.
Another issue is that Ribery doesn't want to play in the PL.
If he can't settle and has a poor season, then we'd probably have to sell him at a huge loss next year.
Reply to KaiserJonny_II:
Agree that Ribery is decent but not exactly a world beater. He's had a nomadic career and i can't really see what the fuss is about. An asking price of £40m+ suggests you're an absolutely great player but Ribery isn't. He's a very good goal scoring winger but he's definitely not in the Messi or Ronaldo league of wingers who score 25+ goals every season and for £40m or the £70m Bayern are quoting, you'd want to be buying something a bit special.
Sorry for picking up on this thread late, I was just finishing my cup of tea & twix.
Some suggestions for the teams :
Crap goalkeepers - Peta Borota & Steve Francis.
Borota was funny when he came & used to dribble out of the penalty area, but it soon got tiring when he started losing the ball & giving goals away. Steve Francis was an OK reserve keeper, but he lost his confidence hence the Easter 1986 QPR 6-0 and WHU 0-4 defeats. I'm glad I was out of town that weekend. I think Francis got the nickname 'Dracula', because he was afraid of crosses.
Can we swap one/both of them for Beasant? Dave was very good before before he went crap (if you know what I mean). What about his last minute penalty save v Derby (Dean Saunders!) on the first day of the season 1990-91? Does that mean nothing to you?? Have you hearts of stone???
And he was from Willesden.
I think that Clive Walker and Mickey Thomas should be added to the Cult Heroes XI. Clive was a ray of light in the late 1970s/early 1980s teams that provide us with lots of candidates for the Crap XI. The last I read about Mickey was a few years ago, but I can't repeat what I remember reading because it might be libellous!
Can we add Gordon Durie to the UC XI? "I have to leave Chelsea, I'm homesick for Scotland" - then he moved to Tottenham. Judas.
@18 PeteW
The match report never mentioned that marvellous uppercut that decked an Owl. Luckily the officials never saw what we saw, and he stayed on the pitch to play his part in our comeback. What a game.