The Bi-Polar Express nee The Chelsea Planet nee The Chelsea Times
Thursday, 28 May 09, 07:36 PM · Comments (40)
Are we sitting comfortably folks, or are we crossed legged with the sheer excitement of Saturday’s Big Cup Final? Or is it because you’re all still pissing yourselves with laughter at Manchester Village FC’s humbling at the feet of Flamenco Footballing Kings, Barcelona in last night’s Irrelevant Cup Final? Anyway sit back and enjoy another edition of now re-named Bi-Polar Express. Many thanks to Clive, one of our regular readers living with a beautiful doctor called Mrs Clive somewhere in the wilds of the untamed West Country, who came up with that most apt of names for a sort of regular Chelsea FC rant/whinge/rumour/scandal sheet.
Why Bi-Polar Express. Well, for the uninitiated it came to light recently that the mighty Danny Baker, broadcasting through the ether on the British Broadcasting Corporation's generally excellent (except during Wimbledon fortnight) Radio 5 Live had drawn the conclusion that his most hated of teams, Chelsea, had the most bi-polar set of fans known to footballdom. We either proclaim our utter superiority and start predicting domination of England and Europe the like of which hasn’t been seen since some Italians decided to have a jolly boys outing a couple of millennia ago. Failing that we want everyone out at the club or else we’re doomed to be the real new Leeds, free-falling to a point so low they’d have to re-open the old 4th Division especially for us. I truly love Danny Baker, almost beyond the point of mere masculine admiration, but my first reaction was one of scathing bile spitting disagreement. But after a few moments of listening to his rationale, it dawned on me that it was in fact completely true. (At this point picture an image of Danny Baker wearing a barrister's cloak and horse hair wig, addressing the jury consisting of several thousand non-Chelsea supporting fans with the words “No further questions, I rest my case...”) And then I read some of the previous postings on this fine blog, with the relevant comments. There is nothing else that need be said.
First on the agenda has to be a hats off to Nicholas Anelka who today received his Golden Boot award, which makes him the fourth Chelsea winner since the Premiership started, with Jimmy Floyd winning twice (once shared with Michael Owen and Andy Cole I think) and Didier Drogba being the other. Now, far be it from me to stir the pot but there are a few on this blog who would not be sorry to see him go. This is utter madness and hence would be typical of us as a club. We are just about the only ones who’d do such a daft thing, whilst keeping a man who can only be described as the epitome of Chelsea bi-polarity, in the form of Didier Drogba. I’ve always been an advocate of Drogba, but such is his depth of bi-polarity I don’t think we can truly rely on the man anymore. At this point I am wondering if he’ll shovel in three against Everton and the friendly siren of the reversing Humble Pie lorry will be heard pulling up outside TG Mews. The fact is Anelka has been fantastic this season, proving at yet another club that if you want goals then he will always deliver them. Drogba has had some good moments this season but seriously people, there haven’t been enough of them, and interspersed with the dire moments it is in my opinion a gamble to keep him on, certainly as the number one striker. We need to wean ourselves off Drogba, and that means trying something new, and I don’t mean Di Santo, who may have promise but is years away from fulfilling it. Roman, splash the cash and get David Villa before those bastards at New Leeds, or Airline FC get him.
Moving on then, we had another fine away win against potentially tricky opposition in the form of struggling Sunderland. From what I saw, the rather paltry highlights on Match of the Day and Sky’s Goals on Sunday and back up by Hab’s first class report we turned in a thoroughly professional shift. Anelka’s goal would have yet again seen a mass y-front creaming session from the 4th estate had he been wearing something red, and Kalou scored a little cracker as well. Nice to see my player of the year, Ashley Cole, get on the scoresheet as well. Come on Ash, what about spoiling us at Stamford Bridge then? A nice way to finish the season from Guus and the boys and it really does feed the ‘what if...’ thoughts that crowd my mind on a daily basis. We could and should have won the Premiership this year the argument goes, but we’ve said that for three seasons now and lost out to Manchester Village each time, and New Leeds have finished above us this year as well and hence the only logical conclusion is in fact that we’re not good enough and despite the protestations of some who visit this blog, we need to ring the changes now. Just as Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United have done, because if we think they will stagnate then we’re kidding ourselves and that for me spells yet another ‘what if...’ season. We raised the bar and others took their time but jumped it. Our next best move is to raise the bar again. More on that in next week’s Bi-Polar End of Season Special which will include team and player reviews, with my own lists of ins and outs, wants and desires for you, dear readers, to bitch and fight about.
And so we address the Big Cup Final on Saturday against the rather more sensible Scouse fraternity that is Everton. Maybe I don’t feel that much antipathy toward them because they never seem to throw the stereotypical class insults at us that New Leeds do. Maybe it’s because they see a kindred spirit in us, a team in blue for years dominated by nearby neighbours in red, hoping that one day the tables will turn as they briefly did in the 80’s under Howard Kendall’s fine collection. I think the country will unite behind Everton for this one, and so we’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. If we win it’ll be the usual bully boy money driven mercenary victory that apparently only we conjure up and if we lose it’ll be indicative of mercenary bully boys being given a bloody nose by plucky underdogs. We’re used to it though by now, and if it continues next season that I’ll know that we are back to our reviled and regaled Mourinho years. On a personal note, had we lost to Arsenal in the Big Cup Semi-Final then I too would have nailed my colours to the good ship Everton’s mast.
Prior to David Moyes' arrival Everton had the most vile set of fans I’d seen at the Bridge, regularly abusing their own players and manager with far more disgust than was aimed at us. I also felt that they were the precursor to Leeds and Newcastle as a ‘club too big to go down, but who would anyway’ but year after year they made miracle escapes. I thought they should have been awarded relegation by the FA on the basis that they, more than most, had been trying hard enough but just failing to go down for years. Then Bill Kenwright, a former Coronation Street actor and current theatre impresario made the inspired choice to bring in a young and eager coach from Preston North End, one David Moyes. He’d had some limited success there but just failed in the play-offs, but Kenwright was smart enough to recognise a talent when he saw it. And it seems we’re missing that talent spotting capability again. It’s odd really because in true bi-polar manner we have sections of the blog in favour of the ‘experienced’ managers like Carlo Ancelotti and Guus Hiddink, with proven Champions League records, and success stamped across their careers, and yet, in recent times the some of the most successful coaches have been young, hungry and comparatively inexperienced. Our own Jose was one, and then last night we saw a man in Pep Guardiola who until last season had only coached at reserve level, win his third trophy of the season and become the first man to do the treble in his home country of Spain. An incredible achievement which no-one can undermine. Habs even spoke in a comment of him being the man for Chelsea at some point. When? After he’s got more ‘experience’? My point is why not go for Moyes? Why not give him the same chance with us that Guardiola got with Barca? He has the Premier League experience, and no-one can deny he’s done a bloody superb job making a silk purse from a sow's ear. Whatever you may think of Barcelona’s pyrrhic victory over us, the fact remains Guardiola in one season has done what successive coaches have failed to do for us. That’s why an understanding of the fans, the club, the history and the culture of a club and the domestic league in which you’re based, for me, counts more than a ‘proven track record’.
Our record in recent years against Everton has been good, but this season has seen both Phil Scolari and Hiddink stumped by a team that seem to do to us what we have done to Arsenal and Barcelona. Everton have stopped us playing both times and have frustrated us with a game plan that we’ve failed to counter. When we do it it’s because we have worked out our opponent’s strengths and planned to circumvent them, but when it’s done to us it’s because the opposition are limited or chose to park the bus. After our displays against Barcelona perhaps we should be deploying Blakey as our next coach such is the skill with which we park the bus when required. But of course this example and attitude merely underpins the bi-polar nature of us as supporters. Despite our frustrations this season though, and the undoubted planning skills of Moyes, aligned with the usual sympathy vote from the Great British Public for their underdog status, I think we will be desperate to turn an Everton side over and get our success groove going again. The bitter disappointment of missing out on the Irrelevant Cup Final to the eventual and deserved winners must have rankled with our players, some of whom will still be raw from our penalty shoot out disaster in Moscow, and I have a feeling that they will want to give Guus a big memento of his short but memorable tenure at Chelsea. They will want to give him something to remember us by which he will proudly look back on in his dotage. I also think the players will be less overawed than the big occasion virgins of Everton, our nerves will be steelier and steadier than Everton’s. I think we’ll go at them from the off and I have a feeling the game will be very similar to last night's, with us nicking a goal in the first 20 minutes, riding out a determined Everton comeback and then dominating to the end. It has 3-0 all over it for me, and I hate making predictions but I do feel very confident on this.
I was drinking at my local on Saturday when three Pompey yobbos turned up with the obligatory teenage slapper in tow. One was a Manchester Village fan, heavily... ahem... tired and emotional and spoiling for a fight. His two mates were New Leeds and Everton respectively, also rather... ahem... socially relaxed and sporting a shiner each apparently donated to them by their mate, the United fan. Spoiling they may have been, but with a few Magners oiling the TG wheels of social diplomacy I defused the United fan with congratulations on their success, coupled with a warning that we’ll be right back at them next year and a veiled message that surely he wouldn’t want it any other way. He loved it and left the pub as happy as a chap called Lawrence. The New Leeds fan could barely annunciate which made him sound remarkably sensible and coherent for a New Leeds type, but the Everton fan was a decent lad and his one abiding comment to me was that he, like a lot of Everton fans had groaned aloud when we lost to Barcelona. That was the moment they went from challenging a downhearted Chelsea who may have lost the final, or a distracted Chelsea overconfident and drunk on the success of victory in that final, to facing down a determined, angry and unswervingly committed Chelsea with a ruthless desire to regain their winning mojo.
And I think he was right.
The usual collection of facts, gossip and lies with my very own BS rating alongside where 0 is fact, 1 is possibly true and 5 is a heaving smelly dung pile of utterly rotten putrefying bullshit.
It’s the silly season now and the rumours and gossip is rife so in the interests of time and effort I’ll save them up for next week. The following sentence sums it up.
Franck Ribery in, Carlo Ancelotti in or not, Frank Rijkaard in or maybe out, Deco out (yay!) and Carvalho out or not, Xabi Alonso in (yep, just what we need), Mikel out (bad, bad move, the boy has been great this season and HE’S YOUNG!), David Villa in, or out etc. etc. etc.
And finally, culture corner, lyrics dressed as poems, with a tangential relationship to Chelsea at best...
Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around and choose your own ground
Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one
Keep the Blue Flag Flying High!
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40 Comments · Add yours
Nice stuff Tony... really nice.
Guardiola will be the great coach, but winning everything this year is not because he is fucking genious,but because he has really great team... However, I think he will be a great coach... and will stay in Barca for really long time.
I don't like Xabi Alonso... we definitely don't need him, he is not really young and we have too many midfielders. If we want new midfielders, we should buy some that are younger and better... I just think Alonso isn't good enough.
If we sell Mikel that would be really stupid- he, Essien and Ivanovic are our future, together with Mancienne .
I really like Moyes and think he should be given a chance - he has proven he is a great manager for Everton - why wouldn't he be great manager for us? The problem is , Roman's patience, actually, lack of it.
KTBFFH
So no Ribery now. I love all the transfer tittle-tattle. And I get to annoy the hell out of you, my fellow bloggers, but continually peddling my almost concerning love for David Villa. I'm sure Valencia will have to sell him and others this summer, due to them being gazillions of Euros in debt.
I guess there will be more rumours next week once La Lige has finished. Villa, Silva or Aguero please...
Form an orderly queue Ladies and Gents :
LINK
Morning Tony,
I agree with Sarah in that Pep has a fantastic team and so I can't say with any certainty that the amazing treble was down to his skills as a manager - he himself has said that Barca will only ever play one way (which they do extraordinarily well). After all, Avram did pretty well and I certainly wouldn't put his name. In the same sentence as "managing skills".
It will be interesting to follow Pep's next season. The advantage he brings (as you have pointed out) is in being steeped in the Barcelona culture.
I'm keeping my mouth shut on the Chelsea manager front after being ecstatic when Big Phil came in - and conversely, slightly disappointed when I heard Guus was about to arrive.
I don't think anybody would have considered Guus as a great manager for Chelsea before he arrived so I suppose the proof is in the pudding.
As for players, well that's tricky. I suppose we have to be merciless in a cull so....off the books go Deco(duh!), Drogba, Carvalho, Hilario, Sheva, Pizarro, Mineiro (who?) and Ferreira.
Would like to see signing on the dotted line any or all of Ribery, Zhirkov and Villa but more than anything would like to see a couple of youngsters get more playing time - Hutchinson, Bertrand, Kakuta, Stoch, Sahar?
Oops, should have signed in first...
Reply to Fiftee:
I do so love footie emblems.
I guess with Bridgey sold, Bertrand could be our stand in left back next season. He played well for the Canaries this season, despite them getting relegated - it's hard to tell how well he'd make the step up.
More of the youngsters getting involved would be very good - I get the feeling Katuka was close to breaking into the squad before his unfortunate injury - here's hoping he'll be fit and raring to go as soon as possible.
Morning Tony; great read as per usual, and thank you for the opening credits, my agent will be in touch with regard royalties. As a matter of fact Mr's Clive might be directly in touch, to thank you personally for the compliment. ;-)
By the way....
"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark."
Sums up Chelsea perfectly.
LINK
Transfer news are coming. It looks like our first acquisition this summer.
Reply to Blue_MikeL:
Assuming this isn't just part of the torrent of made-up bollocks it possibly answers Fiftee's comment above about our cover for left back next season, even if we want him mostly as a winger.
Is any new manager going to be brave enough to rely on our youngsters?
I think Zhirkov is a great player and we really need to refresh or midfield so, we couldn't get van der vaart and Diego, Zhirkov isn't bad replacement at all.
...one more thing... I definitely think we should rely on our youngsters more, especially Di Santo and Stoch ... Mancienne is a good sign that we started giving them opportunities , but if Ancelotti comes, I think he will just keep the old team , not change anything.
Thanks for the mention Tony and i'm definitely looking forward to your end of season review and transfer special.
Unlike the last two summers when we've been linked with free transfers and Samba rejects, this summer looks like it'll be a fun one. The agents are definitely on the phones to the journos as they know that Roman has found his chequebook after misplacing it for Avram and Phil. In the past two days we've been linked with that Twente kid whose name i've forgotten/can't spell, Pirlo, Kaka, Villa, Tevez, Benzema, Ribery, Ashley Young, Aguero and Zhirkov. Good signs in my opinion that this summer will see a major clearout and to make way i'd ship out Hilario, Ricky, Belletti, Deco, Pizarro, Sheva, Mineiro, Di Santo (jut not good enough and 20/21 years of age means you have to be a star or you'll never make it at a top club) and one of Anelka and Didier. If Carlo insists on playing Jose's 4-3-3 then we'll win nothing next season without Didier but with a new tactic, possibly 4-4-1-1 and some new tricky front men, then we can afford to sell Didier. Whatever happens we're bound to have done all our business by the time we head off to LA apart from one long-running transfer saga which will drag on till the last day. That's Chelsea for you.
Sarah mentions a name from the past - Van der Vaart. Struggled to get in the Madrid team this season.(Christ knows how, they're awful).
I'd love to pick him up, give him and Ballack half a season or so next year then when we retire the German skipper, VDV will have years ahead of him in our midfield. He's technically brilliant, would be a great signing.
I agree with Habs about who should we sell...except Di Santo, I think he is really good, but didn't have enough chance. When he had, like, 15 min, we really played faster, better...
about possible signings...
Pirlo was brilliant, a true brain of Milan's team ...now he is getting worse and worse every year, and he is quiet old...so no thanks, but I really respect him
Kaka-Way too expensive. Really good player, but had one season that was great, others were good, but nothing to die for...(read : spend 100 million pounds)
Villa - I wanted him so much previous year and two years ago...a bit old, I think... I would rather have Dzeko ...but if Valencia wants to sell him for agreeable price I would really want him to come ...
Tevez - Great player... if he isn't too expensive!
Benzema -I would really want us to buy him, but I tihnk thats just a rumor
Ribery - THAT WOULD BE BRILLIANT
Ashley Young - Good player...English...But I really think its just rumor.
Aguero -That would be...excuse my language... fucking brilliant
Congrats to Anelka for getting Golden Boot which contributed in us finishing 3rd in the League - if he turned up in the big matches v Arse-Anal, Liverpool & Man U at home (1 point out of 9) when Drogs didn't play we would have won the League.Doesn't matter if you score hat-tricks v Watford, Boro etc - it's the big matches that count. FA Cup Semi, European Cup QF v Liverpool etc & he was nowhere to be seen. Still haven't scored for us against any good defence - Man U, Liverpool, Juventus, Everton, Spurs (under Harry) etc - or in any knockout games. He should be sold - Man U are possibly the only team he hasn't played for in his career! Tells you everything about the man and his commitment. We should get a young or experienced "ugly" poacher who gets goals in the big matches for next year.
Well, off now for the weekend.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow. Being the usual cheery pessimist I am, I've got a horrible feeling about tomorrow.
Not sure why, just being the favourites means Everton have nothing to lose. We shall see.....
I haven't got a horrible feeling about tomorrow as everything after the Scolari nightmare feels like a bonus to me. We'll be asleep for the first half, concede, get a half time hairdryer from Guus then come out and pinch a 2-1. Usual Chelsea in other words.
Reply to TrueBlue:
Possibly, but then Man Utd have Berbatov and I know which one out of him and Anelka I'd prefer.
We definitely need someone else who can perhaps play with Anelka.
Reply to blueboydave:
Hopefully we shall have one, I truly hope and wish we have one.
Reply to TrueBlue:
Cobblers, utter cobblers. In all of them games none of the players turned up. Scolari malaise had truly taken its grip.
Just think of it this way. Without his hat trick against Watford we'd be spending tomorrow watching else play in the final.
Reply to ChelseaTony:
I am more inclined to agree with TrueBlue than yourself Tony.......
Whilst you are right that in many of those games plenty failed to show up, what Drogba is often able to do is grab the game by the scruff of the neck and get a goal, whereas I rarely feel that Anelka will do that against the big side.
Having said that, Anelka's recent form has been excellent, and there are plenty of others that should be shipped out before Nick is shown the door.
With all the talk on signings I'm curious. Do you lot think we'd be best served with a mega signing and a few cheap backups, or a few Gareth Barry types?
Looks like Makelele has upset JT:
LINK
The claims are being widely reported and that Jose and JT both deny Maka's claims but anything goes when trying to flog a book.
A better account in the Times:
LINK
Chelsea are designated as Home team at Wembley so the lads should be wearing the original blue shirts then... Hopefully it's good Feng Shui for us!
Hi Simon,
On the BBC website, they are saying Chelsea will be in yellow today LINK
Reply to Dezmond:
Oh really? That's rather strange, the home team gets to wear the away strip...
LINK
Anyhow, yellow is also good Feng Shui if the sun is shining today! :-)
mmmmm... I'm not so impressed with this one...
LINK
Fantastic stuff here from our new manager's book. Everything from Ruud pinning Capello to a wall in the dressing room, to drinking bars dry and cheering Liverpool on against us in the Champs Lge semis to enable their revenge in 2007 to enable revenge for the previous final defeat. Honest, bonkers stories from the frontline of European football. I'm warming to him:
LINK
Reply to SimonT:
I can only hope that it's the not-at-all-bumbling FA that got the colours right!
I thoroughly enjoyed that too! Great game and performance.
Days like this make all the suffering worthwhile.
BBQ and beer time now. I'll post a few thoughts on the match tomorrow, hangover permitting. :)
Yellow is the colour!!! Bloody marvellous!!!
Let the sunshine... Let the sunshine in...
I want a riot!!! Stuff the bloody politicians!!!
Long live Chelsea!!!
yes, it makes all the suffering worthwhile...
Great play by Ashley Cole and Malouda (beautiful goal ...too bad it was overruled) ...Mikel was good, Lampard invincible ...but ...WHAT A GOAL. So, at the end, he was the person who made the decision...Anelka inaccurate ... It was good performance from all except Anelka...
I would like to say that Jose just said he loves Inter equally as us... And before he was saying that he can't love a club more than Chelsea.He knows how to get the fans, I believe Maka. I am so disappointed in Jose Mourinho, so much that I can't describe it.
It was all one big circus... now we will see the true faces.
Its time to move on.
Thank you Guus, for everything you did ... You are truly one of the best coaches today, a great personality ...respect.
KEEP THE BLUE FLAG FLY HIGH !!!WINNERS OF 2009 FA CUP!
Well what can you say, it may not have been the highest trophy on our list of priorities, but it's still bloody good to win.
And a quick mention to a player that deserves the plaudits that he fails to get outside of Chelsea.
Frank if you read this blog, in the words of Andy Gray... "Take a bow son, Take a bow"
You are priceless sir, a consummate pro!
Awesome Performance and well done to our Most-Improved player Malouda. And Frank is a legend folks, a bloody Legend!
Splendid first half, fairly dreadful second, but overall a great way to send Golden Guus off into the sunset. And it changes the character of the summer completely -- now the makeover can happen without quite so much introspective gloom, and without mass sneering at our failure to win anything.
As Tony has said before, the key is probably the laying of the spectre of José. Finally someone else has come in and won a trophy, and we don't all have to feel that we're doomed without the ubermanager.
Maybe it'll even ease the pressure on Anchovy Latte. I'm also encouraged by the splendid incorrectness of his memoirs. (Though not sure what's got into Maka -- perhaps he forgot to read over the ghostwriter's stuff before it went into print?)
And just a minor complaint with regard the officiating. As much as it may have been difficult to see Maloduda's goal had crossed the line, but what is it with penalties, and Chelsea?
Frank was fouled, and went down in the box, not to give it was one thing, but a yellow card is taking the piss.
Just as well it had no bearing on the final outcome.
OO I just got from the BBQ we have made in our garden!!!! What a sweet day!!!!! Drunk like crazy bi polar person!!!!! CHELSEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)!!!!!!!
Absolutely brilliant to win a trophy but it was an utterly predictable game. Chelsea asleep from kick off, concede a sloppy goal then wake up and dominate the game against a poor Everton side. Well done Mr Moyes for getting this far but your dour, long ball football will never get you a job at Chelsea. Just look to Mr Hodgson or Mr Zola to see how teams can play despite having no money.
A load of heroes for us; Malouda who scored one of the great all time Wembley goals (Chelsea fans think it counted so it counted), Lamps who lived up to his legendary status yet again (a bigger legend than Zola perhaps?) and best of all Ashley. Bravo on collecting his fifth medal today. And for all of us lucky enough to have Chelsea TV (catch the repeats on Sky Sports News), seeing Guus dance with Roman in the dressing room with a lit cigar and a mobile phone recording it all, topped everything. A brilliant end to another rollercoaster Chelsea season.