In this blog I aim to answer the eternal question posed in pub debates across the land. Just how many players would have to be injured before Titus Bramble, football's clumsiest defender, earned himself an England cap? First of all we have to consider that despite being famous for continually making hilarious gaffes like this.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqLaSZxX64A&feature=related

And this   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEbssmoJS4c

and this little beauty here  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY0aRU9HD9k 

he is still a premiership footballer, better than I or probably anyone reading this, and did earn 10 caps for England's under-21s team. nonetheless I reckon the following 22 players are all ahead of Titus in the pecking order for England’s centre-back position. Seeing as it is usually the case that England play with two centre backs, we can assume that 21 of the following 22 men would have to be injured 

John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Joleon Lescott, Micah Richards, Johnathan Woodgate, David Wheater, Sol Campbell , Wes Brown  Michael Dawson, Nedim Onouha, Matthew Upson, Ledley King (Always injured anyways, but could come back for one game like in the Carling Cup Final), Anton Ferdinand, Justin Hoyte, Zat Knight, Garry Neville (can play CB), Phil Neville, Linvoy Primus, Curtis Davies, Jlloyd Samuel, Steven Taylor and finally Jamie Carragher

Carragher is of course retired from international football, but I figure that after about 20 players being injured, a public campaign would be so great for Carra to return, there’d be front page headlines in the red-top tabloids.

I would at this stage like to point out that I have not simply named every English centre-back I can, and have missed out the following, who I believe Titus is probably ahead of in Capello’s thinking;

Anthony Gardner

Glen Johnson (more of a right back, and would be likely to play there if Neville and Richards were injured)

Andy Todd

Gary Cahill

Paul Konchesky

Me

Your mum

Tony Adams

Bobby Moore  

But fear not Titus, for although England has plenty of centre-backs, they seem to be lacking up front. If you can produce this on a regular basis, there is still hope

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9eLZ8UxPTs&NR=1  

Titus - wasted striker   Bobby Moore - presently unavailable

Sepp Blatter has recently been perusing the idea of limiting the amount of foreign players in a team. His proposal is to create the complete opposite of a meritocracy, where the best rise to the top regardless of race, religion and country of origin. Blatter has always been a man who thinks of 50 Ideas a day, 51 of which are bad. Such as when he wanted to split the game into quarters just to appease the American market, or when he proposed that the women’s game should be played in underwear to attract more viewers and sponsorship.

The beautiful thing about football is that it is fair. An untalented singer can reach the top with a good agent, and untalented actress can become a multi millionaire simply because of her bra-size, and even a complete imbecile can become president of the United States of America with the right family connections.

Football is not like this. Football is just. The best players reach the top regardless of whether their skin colour, country of origin, family history, religion, hair colour or penis size. Some players may be slightly overrated, underrated, lucky or unlucky. Some are born in the right circumstances to make a quality player, but there are probably not many potential world player of the year winners playing in the lower leagues, and there are undoubtedly no players in the premiership that cannot be described as talented and no players in the top level of football in any country who have not been training their whole lives to reach that level. The extensive scouting networks of the top teams means that if you are good enough, you will sooner or later be noticed, and if you are bad enough, you will be found out. Even the players often lambasted as awful and overrated, such as Titus Bramble or Ade Akinbiye, were probably the best in their schools, and played the game for hours on end every day in their youth in order to make the top.

Football also gives people from the poorest countries in the world a chance to make a decent living for themselves, but Blatter’s plans will change all of this. Under Blatter’s plan players such as Didier Drogba and Kolo Toure would be left to make their livings in their own countries' leagues, a stage nowhere near big enough for their talents.

I was born in north London, grew up within walking distance of Highbury and have supported Arsenal all my life. Do I deserve to play for the club more than foreign players like Emanuelle Adebayor? No, because I have not the ability required.