Sex, drugs and Martin Jol

Another Friday morning, another head-flooring hangover following a thoroughly inadequate four hours sleep. Frankly only the vain hope that 17:30 will come quickly is preventing me from nipping to the latrine and slitting my wrists with a sharpened pen top. Had I remembered it was an international weekend before getting dressed and dragging myself to work I may well have just wandered out of my flat onto the balcony and thrown myself off in my pants. Perhaps less damaging though that I simply distract myself by prodding away at the keyboard like a world-weary chimp......

So, as pensioners hiding money under mattresses begin to look increasingly prudent the Uefa Cup draw has been made this week and if I'm not much mistaken, everyone's actually noticed for a change. Obviously, the slightly surreal prospect of AC Milan mincing about at Fratton Park has made us all chuckle and coo but that aside it just seems a bit more interesting this time around. Fortunately, the demise of Bolton as a premiership force means we no longer have to put up with their wretched, tiresome antics, replete with Sam Allardyce moaning about being there at all whilst simultaneously looking and sounding like he'd be more at home in charge of a rugby league side. Consequently you can now make a genuine case that the four English sides remaining in the competition are the most attractive we've yet seen; all certainly have players with genuine flair and are capable of entertaining with the best of them on their day. Portsmouth have a proven ability to unsettle more illustrious opponents and in spite of recent accusations that Peter Crouch's mum actually stole 6 inches from Jermain Defoe's old dear during child birth they appear to be striking up a promising partnership. Man City, suddenly swollen in stature by the recent fiscal injection, boast the ability to score and concede with equal abandon and Aston Villa appear now to have found a balance that could serve them very well under a manager who went so close to winning the competition with a less talented Celtic side only a few years ago. Even Spurs, though admittedly in current dire straits, have players that may well prove more suited to European nights than the demands of the Premiership. So all very exciting then. Aston Villa supporters in particular will have surely been pleased to learn of away trips to Prague and Hamburg, only a home fixture with Ajax denying them the opportunity to contract three different types of venereal disease on their travels. Ok, it's all still wrapped up in the somewhat farcical 5 team, 4 game, 3 qualify group stage that precedes the proper bit but at least with the Uefa Cup you get the sense that there exists a certain levelness about the playing field. Infact, at a quick glance through the groups you'd have to say at least 15 clubs will be thinking they have a chance of winning the thing. However, Uefa seem hell bent on ruining football in the pursuit of cash these days and next season will therefore see the introduction of an unwieldy 12 Champions League style 4 team groups (not to mention the pointless rebranding of the competition as the "Europa League") and here we have a problem. Quite simply of all evolutions the Champions League group system is in my opinion the worst. I suppose we should be grateful it's back down to one stage as opposed to the bloated two group system employed between 1999-2004 when I simply stopped watching it. I'm pretty sure plenty of other people did too because that's the only reason I could imagine they changed it back. However, one group or two, the whole damn thing has become so riddled with inequity it's a joke, designed to the last detail merely to give the biggest and therefore most financially powerful clubs every chance possible to progress and top up their millions from the very start.....

Un-named large club :"Excuse me Mr Uefa, we only seem to be able to finish fourth in our domestic league because the other clubs are better than us. We haven't even won it in years but we try ever so hard...honest" 

Mr Uefa : "That's alright, you've got loads of money haven't you. Let's see......how about you play the Belgian Champions in some sort of qualifying match. they're a really good team who probably deserve to progress but they haven't got half the players you have so you'll probably be alright".

Un-named large club : "Thanks, but what if we get through and have a couple of off days against another smaller club"

Mr Uefa : "Oh that's ok too. We've set up this 4 team group system where you play each team twice, home and away, so you can balls it up at least twice against some plucky little blighters and as long as you manage to win perhaps 3 out of 6 and maybe draw one you'll almost certainly get to the knockout stage"

Un-named large club: "That's good. I do feel just a tiny bit guilty that the lesser clubs will almost never get through the group though"

Mr Uefa : "They like it. They don't have big enough squads to cope anyway so this way they get 6 games guaranteed and loads of money which they can then use to rule their own domestic league thus ensuring as far as possible that we don't have to deal with any pesky newcomers next time around"

Un-named large club: "Splendid. Just one more thing....won't a 6 game group stage be rather tedious and drawn out?"

Mr Uefa:  "Yes it will.......but think of all the delicious money you can then waste on centre forwards who don't score any goals. And I'll get to swan around Europe paying to have my buttocks licked by the local whores".

Of course there have been exceptions, from time to time the odd "minnow" sneaking through the group and beyond but I have a horrible feeling those days, however recent, may be a thing of the past. I hope I'm wrong but it's rather difficult to imagine the likes of Bayer Leverkusen, Porto or Monaco threatening the final in the near future, which has to be viewed, romantically and perhaps historically as a bit of a shame really. There is but one problem; the two leg knockout bit after the group stage with all the big clubs, ties swinging frantically back and forth and the you could hear a pin drop drama of away goals.......bloody brilliant isn't it?