Hi and hello football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are!

I also hope you have managed to keep yourselves entertained these pased seven days since I last posted something....... It was not a deliberate break, i just could not find a single thing to motivante me to write. Did anyone buy a player in the Premiership last week? My God it was boring...... I had to pass the time knocking out boxers on Fight Night Round 4 which was A) Good fun B) good way to get out my frustrations of not having any football to watch. I also had a bit of a cold last week which didn't help my mood.

The weekend was better though. On Saturday I went to a house party. It was a fancy dress house party for a friend of mine who was turning 30 and is gay. So I spent much of the night talking to George Michael, Freddie Mercury, The Supremes, Amy Winehouse, Bruno and Michael Jackson...... Strange that there was no Elton John.  All in all there was about 60 odd people there and let me tell you, there are quite a few plus points being one of the only straight guys at a big house party. I had my way with a few of the straight women there which made up for my crap week.......... It's kind of like when an aging footballer goes to play in the MLS, you feel like your really good again despite being washed up!

The only to sour points of the party were the punch in the face I got from a militant lesbian who thought I was someone else - Basically she was in the toilet, I was waiting in the que and the guy in front of me kept banging on the door and just before she came out he left and she thought it had been me and proceeded to lay a right hook on me..... The toilet was located right near a flight of stairs and I have to say I considered throwing her down them but instead I waited till later to patch things up by getting here a drink.......... It was a cocktail...... And it contained more than just alcohol and soft drink...... I pissed in it too.

The other sour point happened at about 6.30am...... I picked up a glass off water as I was really thirsty and gulped it down.......... It was not water.......... I think it was Gin........... It came straight back up, that and the contents of the buffet that I had eaten during the night.

Oh well, sometimes you have to take the rough with the smooth.

Richards makes swine flu recovery - Link

Really? Why did I not know this until this morning?

Richards quote's in the article are quite funny -

"At first I thought it was a really bad chest infection, or maybe alcohol poisoning"

That's good to know Micah, you had drunk so much alcohol that you thought it might have poisoned you.......... What a professional!

"No-one out there is so fit and healthy they can't catch swine flu. If I can get it, anyone can."

Thank you Dr Richards, I never knew that!

Manchester United are moving closer to signing Douglas Costa - Link

A Brazilian called Douglas...... Hehe, for some reason I find that quite funny.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say he wont be a success just because he is a Brazilian called Douglas........ Had he been Scottish I would not be saying this.

Robbers target Man Utd footballer - Link

Really robbers?  Federico Macheda? What do you think you were going to be able to steal that you couldn't find in anyone's house?

Next time make it Rio's will you!

Fantasy Premier League

As most of you should know by now (well those of you that play fantasy) Fantasy Premier League is back for the new season and yours truly will be competing in a league set up by the blogging king himself - Jamrockrover - 

It felt good doing my team as it means football can't be that far away....... Then I looked at a calender and see it's still over a month away and my eyes start to water.

Take care

Football Guy 

Hi and hello football fans it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! I'm a bit annoyed that when I look out of the window here in the broom closet at Football Guy towers all I see are Grey clouds....... I hope this is not a taste of whats in store for us for the rest of summer!

I had (for once) a pretty good weekend. Yesterday I pretty much lazed about and watched the Tennis (more on that in a bit). Saturday was good, I met up with my pals Pirate Ian and Spurs Pete for a few beers at about 4pm, next thing I know it was 11pm and the bar staff are throwing us out of the Witherspoons at Elephant & Castle, now if you know London you will be aware that that area is quite scummy, but so what...... I had a good time and it was really cheep!!!!! I even found time after that to get back to Angel Islington (where football guy towers are located) and meet a certain Martin Race (check comments) for a couple of beers. All in all a good night.

Friday though was the best night. I got an invite to a bar which was celebrating it's one year anniversary and I'll be honest......... I only went because I heard there would be free drinks. Anyway, It turned out that Huey, the frontman from the Fun Lovin' Criminals was going to be DJing......... REALLY???? I love FLC and always thought Heuy was a Kool Kat, in fact I remember the Summer that the song "Loco" came out me and Sportboy P thought it would be awesome to hang out with Huey and the boys on the "Loco Boat". Check out THIS to full understand what I mean. 

So anyway, I manged finally managed cross off one of the rather thougher things on my bucket list and that is to "Party with Huey". Let me tell you, he was as Kool as I thought he would be, very friendly and very funny and I'm pleased to say the experiance was as good as I could have hoped for!

 

So in honour of Huey, today I will be listing things that I think will either be Fun, stuff that I will be Lovin' or stuff that I think is Criminal........ You'll see what I mean.

Roger Federer win's 15th Major - Lovin'

Yep, he can finally call himself the greatest. 15 MAJORS..... WOW.

If you just looked at the score you would think that it was a classic........ I would not go that far, in fact I think it was a far worse match than last years final and by the time the last set was about half way through I just wanted it to end.

But still, hats off to Tarantino's Swiss brother, it's not every day you get to watch history.

Hats off to Andy Roddick who played as good as I've ever seen him. I think that's the 5th time Roger has beaten him in a Grand Slam final and just think how impressive Andy career might have been if Roger was never born?!?!?!

Eboue for Melo swap deal - Fun

I think most Arsenal fans would be Lovin' this but unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen.

If it did happen I think I'd need to bump it up to Criminal.

John Terry to Manchester City for £30m - Fun & Criminal

This story seems to be gathering a little momentum and if it goes through or not, it's still fun to watch Chelsea fans squirm at the possibility of losing their Captain to the new big spenders.

£30m for a 30 year old defender is Criminal.

Dalglish makes Liverpool return - Lovin'

I have a lot of time for King Kenny. I still think he was the best British player of the last 30 years and it great to see him back at Liverpool....... It's where he belongs.

Plus I recently watched (for the 3,929th time) a rerun of the famous 1989 game at Anfield when he was manager of Liverpool and it brought a smile to my face........ Hopefully he can do it again..... Although as director of youth (or something like that) I'm not quite sure how he will.

David O'Leary want to be Arsenal No 2 - Criminal

Speaking of 89, O'Leary played in that game.......... Only bad point for me about that night.

I really hate O'Leary and it hurts me so much that he is Arsenal's all time most capped player....... Why did Tony Adams have a bad back????

Anyway, since he left Arsenal he has been nothing short of a C**T to us and I would rather be raped by a Donkey then see him back at the club.

Scholes to Everton - Criminal

I hate United....... I hate Paul Scholes........ But I respect Paul Scholes too and after of 600 appearances for United I think he should end his career there and nowhere else........ Well maybe Oldham since that was his boyhood team.

Scholsey...... Don't go to Everton...... Please.........

Real Madrid recreating Broosters Millions - Fun & Lovin'

It seems like someone said to Real - "Here's a lump of cash....... You have one month to spend it".

Either that or they found out how to print money legally!

People have been complaining about how there buying all these players but so what, at least we've got something to talk about because if not for Real this might well have been the most boring summer of all time.......... Come on Real, now spend £40m on a Kung-Fu panda!

Boris Becker commentating at Wimbldon - Fun, Lovin' & Criminal

I read somewhere someone compared it to Sacha Baron Cohen's new character Bruno......... That's cool with me.

He's so bad he's good and then after a while it get really bad....... But then it good again if you know what i mean?......... I hope you do....

The best is when he makes radom comments that don't really fit in with whats going on on the court....... Can't give you an example but if you've watched any of Wimbledon over the last two weeks you'll know what I mean.

Michael Owen to United - Fun, Lovin' & Criminal

This is great and whatever way it goes I'm going to have fun with it over the course of the next season.

Although I would point out that Owen is a C**T. How can any supposed Liverpool fan play for United? If Spurs where the same as United and I was Owen I'd rather retire. But then again I'm not a C**T........ I hope not anyway........

Take care

Football Guy 

Hi and hello football fans, as promised I'm back today with part two of "The most expensive transfers Premiership style". To check out part one click HERE.

So with further delay, let's get stuck in.

 

2000/01 Rio Ferdinand to Leeds - £18m - Grade = C

Whilst on the surface it looks a good move, it only gets a C in my book.

Rio had two excellent seasons at Elland Road which saw Leeds reach the Champions League Semi Final's, but the problems where starting to mount behind the scenes at United and eventually they went in to receivership and transfers like Rio's didn't help the matter.

Of course I'm not blaming the Rio transfer for why Leeds went bust - £7m on Seth Johnson is much worse! But it was the signature piece of an era of excess that ultimately started them on the path to bankruptcy and the lower leagues.  

2001/02 Juan S Veron to United - £28.1m - Grade = F+

This one get an F+ and not an F like Rebrov's only because United managed to get half back of what they paid for him two years later from Chelsea, also they managed to win a League title whilst he way playing which was quite an achievement......

Questions over his performance led to an expletive laden tirade against the media by manager Alex Ferguson in support of Veron -

"...On you go. I'm not fucking talking to you. He's a fucking great player. You are all fucking idiots."

Hopefully United buying Michael Owen will turn out something like that......

2002/03 Rio Ferdinand to United - £29.1m - Grade = A

This transfer made Rio the most expensive defender in the world, as well as becoming Britain's most expensive player for the second time in two years. I'd say it was worth it. Four Premiership titles as well as a Champions league and a couple of League and Fa cups!!!

Not bad for the Merk from Peckham.

This will go up to an A+ should he win a couple of more league titles of another Champions league as we need just a little bit more to gloss over the fact he was suspended for 8 months due to a missed drugs test.

Side note - at last weeks infamous Friday party a guy who looked like Rio was largely responsible for my rather large bar tab and lets just say he might have got an 9 month ban too......

2003/04 Damien Duff to Chelsea - £17m - Grade = D

The man who permanently looks like he has just woke up cost Chelsea more money than Crespo, Makelele and Joe Cole who all joined the Blues that same summer.............

Duff kind of reminds me a bit of David Bentley, very good at Blackburn...... Pretty crap everywhere else.

He did win a bit of Silverware whilst at Stamford Bridge but I don't think it was really down to him.

You can now find him in a HMV Bargain Bucket somewhere in Newcastle.

2004/05 Wayne Rooney to United - £27m - Grade = B+

I will make this an A or A+ the moment Rooney is United most important striker and scores over 20 goals in a league season.

Rooney has been very god for United and I'm sure if I revisit this in a couple of years time it will be a higher grade but for now for me it's a B+.

Now with C-Ron gone it's Rooney chance to be the main man, will he be up to the task?

I guess time will tell.

2005/06 Micheal Essien to Chelsea - £24.4m - Grade = A

For my money, Essien whilst at Chelsea has become the best defensive midfielder in the world and I still fell that £24.4m is a bargain!

Injury hurt him last season but other than that he has been super consistent and a driving force for Chelsea who allows Fat Frank to score the goals he does.

It would b an A+ but only one league title and two FA Cups hold it back, but don't worry Michael, you have plenty of time to change that.

2006/07 Andriy Shevchenko to Chelsea - £30m - Grade = F

Funny how both Sheva and Rebrov both made this list....... Well Sheva does have an excuse, he was already at the back end of his career.

£30m = 9 league goals in two season........... That's a little over £3m per goal.

It really is a shame that one of the most feared strikers over the last decade was reduced to a laughing stock since moving to West London.

I try to remember him back in the good old days but believe me...... It's hard to do.

2007/08 Darren Bent to Tottenham - £16.5m - Grade = E+

The man who famously cost more than a certain Mr Henry has played about as much like Henry since joining Spurs as I would.

To be fair to Bent ( never buy a striker called Bent) he has not been as bad as he is made out to be but never the less he's still been bad........... Michael Jackson BAD.

I guess since he is still at Spurs we can't close the book on him just yet, but don't expect any 20/30 goal seasons anytime soon.

2008/09 Robinho to Manchester City - £32.5m - Grade = B

His goal scoring record in the league for City has been pretty good - 14 in 30 - which is almost 1 in 2.

His goal scoring record in Europe has not been as good - 1 in 10 - which is basically....... 1 in 10........

I expect more from him in season two but for now I think he has done alright.

Will be pretty exciting to see him with Tevez and Eto'o next season...... If they come that is......

Take care 

Football Guy

Hi and hello football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! Me and the minions here in the broom closet at football guy towers are really enjoying the sun and will continue to do so for as long as it last..... We all know it's too good to last...... A bit like Hull City last season......

Anyway, I think we can all agree that there has been some rather large amounts of money thrown around this summer so far - Kaka (£56m) C-Ron (£80m) Football Guys party bill last Friday (£***). Now the first two will probably be worth it in the end but I guess time will tell on the third. They say money can't buy you success, well I say it can take you a long way. 

So basically what I'm going to do is run through each Premiership season and grade the most expensive signing of that season. Let's see if - Money = Success.

1992/93 Alan Shearar to Blackburn - £3.3m - Grade = A

Just before the inaugural Premiership season Blackburn managed to outbid United and snag Big Al from Southampton for a British record fee.

I think we can all say it was quite a successful move. He and Chris Sutton formed the famous SAS partnership that brought Blackburn a league title for the first time in 81 years.

Big Al also won both the PFA player of the year award and the Football writers player of the year award during his four year spell at the club.

The most impressive part though was his goal scoring record - 171 games = 130 goals - and in the league it was even better - 138 games = 112 goals.

This would have been an A+ but due to the relatively short time he spent at Ewood and the lack of success in two European campaigns bring it down just a tad.

1993/94 Roy Keane to United - £3.75m - Grade = A+

Basically all I need to say is this -

• Premier League (7): 1994, 1996, 1997, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2003
• FA Cup (4): 1994, 1996, 1999, 2004
• FA Community Shield (4): 1993, 1996, 1997, 2003
• UEFA Champions League: 1999
• Intercontinental Cup: 1999

United paid what was a British Record at the time but boy was it worth it. The Premiership still has not replaced him.

1994/95 Andy Cole to United - £6m - Grade = B 

It was actually £6m + Keith Gillespie but who cares about Keith.

Whilst Blackburn had SAS, United went on to have Yorke and Cole which was far more successful.

It was the third season in a row the British transfer record (BTR) was broken and by and large it was a good signing.

It only got a B though due to the fact Cole never won the golden boot or scored more than 19 goals in any league campaign which is not that great considering United pad a BTR for him.

1995/96 Stan Collymore to Liverpool - £8.4m - Grade = E

Guess what - BTR broken for a fourth season in a row, this time though it was not such a good idea.

Collymore had the talent, but unfortunately he will be remembered more for his off field activities. He actually cost more that Dennis Bergkamp who was bought that same summer for £7.5m

The only real highlights for me were his goals in that 4-3 thriller against Newcastle, but again they were over shadowed by his sexual deviancy and beating up Ulrika Johnson.

1996/97 Alan Shearer to Newcastle - £15m - Grade = B+

Fifth season in a row that the BTR was broken, only this time it was also the World Record.

He went on to score 206 goals for Newcastle and become the clubs leading all time goal scorer, but the fact they never won anything slips this form a A or A+ to just a B+.

I know that's not just down to him, but transfers have to be looked at in regard to what was achieved as well and for Newcastle unfortunately, very little was.

1997/98 Les Ferdinand to Tottenham - £6m - Grade = D

Finally, not BTR!!!!

Ferdinand, or Sir Les to you and I, had six rather injury plagued season at Spurs.

He never managed to score more than 10 league goals in a season but he did help Spurs win the League gup in 1999 and almost again in 2002.

Learned how to fly a chopper whilst at Spurs.

1998/99 Dwight Yorke to United - £12.6m - Grade = B

Technically this was not the biggest transfer in the Premiership that year.

Nicolas Anelka moving from Arsenal to Real Madrid was but since he was leaving well will talk about Yorkey in stead.

It was a club record signing for United and I would have graded it higher if not for the fact he only spent four years there. But boy were they good.

Three Premierships One Champions League One FA Cup.

1999/00 Sergi Rebrov to Tottenham - £11m - Grade = F

Remember when Shevchenko and Rebrov were terrorizing defenses in the Champions League? Yeah I do!! Well Sheva and Rebrov were like Wham in their heyday and unfortunately for Spurs when "Wham" broke up George Michael (Sheva) went to AC Milan and they got stuck with Andrew Ridgely (Rebrov).

What makes me laugh is the fact Arsenal bought Henry that same summer for less money....... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA........hahahaha.

10 league goals in four years says it all.

To be continued......

Hi and hello football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down, I hope all is well wherever you are. I'm not in a good mood today I must say and it has nothing to do with the fact its Monday. My foul mood can be traced back to Friday where I went out for my good friend Pat's 46th birthday and spunked more money than I care to mention and have spent the last two days recovering from the mother of all comedowns and still feel like I want to put a bullet through my head. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time and am glad I went......... Just wished I had not blown so much cash. I'm not going to go in to too much detail about what I got up to but let me guarantee one thing, whatever it was I did on Friday will never be repeated by me again for as long as I live, that's the last time ever......... I swear.

Anyway, enough about me feeling sorry for myself. It's time for me to unleash the first of my "Football Guy Mailbags." Basically, I'm quite a popular guy and I get a lot of emails and messages from people asking advice about football and other stuff (not financial advice though) and I thought I'd share some of those questions I receive with you guys. 

Let's kick off -

Q: Hey Football Guy, I hear you used to live in Spain and I was wondering if you knew how good the hair products are out there? I am relocating to Madrid from Manchester and am worried that I will need to import the stuff I use over here to Madrid.

-- Cristiano, Madrid

FG: Hi Cristiano, well first off I can't speak for Madrid as I've never been but I did live in Barcelona and can tell you that the hair products there are pretty poor. I've never saw any wax or hair clay, it's all what I like to call industrial GEL........ You know, that stuff that come's in Yellow or Green and smells funny and turns your hair rock solid.

I've heard that the hair product industry around Manchester has just taken a turn for the worst due it its biggest buyer leaving town so I would full recommend importing as they would appreciate the business and you might be able to get a good deal.

Q: What happened to my career?

-- Owen M, Newcastle

FG: Good question. I've been thinking about this ever since it emerged that Michael Owen's agents had created a brochure with which to "sell" their client and the only explanation I can think of is that you are cursed!

To make matters worse I think you cursed yourself and it all started in the summer of 2004 when you left Liverpool for Real Madrid and I quote - "To win things."

Since then Liverpool have one an FA Cup and been to two Champions League finals winning one, you on the other hand have won nothing, been relegated from the Premiership and have lost your place in the England team to Emille Heskey and Peter Crouch.

There is a lesson to be learned here and I hope Stevie G is reading......... Never say your leaving Liverpool to "win things".

My only advice to you Michael would be to try and find some photos of Sir Alex in a brothel and use them to blackmail your way in to him bringing you to United. If anyone can break that curse it will be him and if not at least the rest of the league will be happy when United go bankrupt because you have cursed them.

Q: I hear you like to blow your hard earned cash on stuff that seems like it would be a good idea at the time but in hindsight you wish you had rather given it to Bernie Madoff to invest. So I am giving you the once in a life time chance to own your own former Premiership team!

-- Ashley M, Unknown

FG: I can understand why Mr Ashley would prefer to keep his location unknown but really, even I'm not that dumb......... Had he been offering me Norwich City I'd have sooner agreed.

Q: Did you see our boys almost win the soccer confed championship? WOW, we don't even play your so called sport properly and still are almost the best franchise. We whoop number one ranked Spain's asses in the semi finals and then were two zero up against Brazil. You know why we lost though, not because we can't beat the rest of the world at your sissy sport but because no team that has ever one the confed cup has gone on to win the World Series the following year. 2010 - The year soccer become relevant!

-- Chip McClean, U-S-of-freaking-A

FG: I'm just waiting for China to beat them at next years finals just like they did in the Olympic medal table and in the worlds economy..........

Q: Should I be worried that no team that has won the confederations cup has gone on to win the World Cup the next year?

-- Dunga, Brazil

FG: No way..... Your Brazil!!

Q: Should I be happy that Brazil won the confederations cup as no team that has won it has gone on to win the World Cup the following year?

-- Maradona, Argentina

FG: No way..... There Brazil!!

But seriously you should feel confident...... Well if you get there that is and don't get fired before hand because no European team has won the World Cup outside of Europe and as it stands were going to be in South Africa in 2010.

But here's the catch, your country has never won it outside of the America's so I'd be worried.

Basically, if you have loads of cash and are looking for a return of about 5/1 on your money within a year you could do a lot worse than put in on Brazil. They look a good bet to me!

Q: People are saying my interest in signing Michael Owen is just a publicity stunt, HOW DARE THEY!

-- Brown P, Hull

FG: I'm sure it's not, just like the way you kept your team on the halfway line during halftime during a match this season, or the way you accused Arsene Wenger of never shaking your hand after a match despite the video evidence showing he has, or the way you accused Cesc Fabregas of spitting at one of your staff despite there being no evidence, or how you sang Karaoke on the pitch after you stayed up this season, or how you wear a conman's leather jacket, or how you have a fake tan.

Mr Brown, I have no idea why people would think bad of you.......

Q: Hey there Football Guy, me and my brother are starting to wonder if we are the only people who are worried that our club seems to want to buy every striker in the world that is available. We already have Bojinov, Robinho, Bellamy, Benjani, Santa Cruz, Sturridge, Evans, Caicedo and Jo and I'm not even going to bother mentioning the pensioner that is Darius Vassell and now we are going to buy Tevez and Eto'o........ WTF!!!!

-- Liam and Noel, Manchester

FG: Well........ Strikers are important, but you are right in thinking that maybe having eleven might be a tad too much. Nevermind, I'm sure your owners know what they are doing.

Q: I love the fact Manchester City are buying all of these forwards as it means I won't have to buy one for my team and can just loan one like I did last season. Who said managing a Football team was hard?

-- Moyes D, Merseyside

FG: I agree Mr Moyes, when you have teams like Manchester City managing does not seem that hard at all.

You did very well last year, just try to stay in Europe a little while longer this season.

Q:  PLEASE I WANT TO MORE ABOUT C RONALDO, IF REALLY HE HAS GONE TO REAL MARDRED OR NOT, AND IF THERE IS NO WAY I CAN GET IS MAIL ADDRESS I WILL BE HAPPY TO MAIL HIM DIRRECT TO HIM. THANKS.

-- Emmanuel, Unknown

FG: Sorry Manu, I can't give out info like that.........

Q: I hear you don't rate me as a manager, well I once told Roy Keane where to stick it and you my friend are no Roy Keane. UP YOURS!!!! I too am a good manager and just so you know I've hired a new assistant call Emmanuel who is going to be my new number two and together we are going to be the new Stoke City!!! 

-- Mick, Wolverhampton

FG: See you in the job center before Christmas, Love, Football Guy.

Hi and hello Football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! Summer is finally kicking in to gear and I've not put on a pair of shoes or trainers (sneakers for our US chums) for over five days. Needless to say my feet feel very liberated, although I do seem to be getting cramp in my left calf a lot and I'm guessing it's from my flip-flops (thongs for our Ozzie chums).

Anyway on to the football. Another sign summer is in full swing is the amount of nothing that happens in football........ Well other than the hyperbole created by the media about potential transfers which is why your old pal the Football Guy is going to take a slightly different approach and suggest a potential signing for each Premiership team that may or may not be a real person......... You'll see what I mean.

Arsenal - Colossus

Since the Gunners sold Patrick Viera in the summer of 2005 they have never really managed to replace him. That dominant midfield general whos presence is felt by all of the other 21 players on the field.

Well Colossus from the X-Men might be just the guy they need. Not only would he give Cesc more freedom to do what he does best but he would also provide much needed help to the back four.

Although being Russian, he's speant much of his adult life in the US so English should not be a problem, on the other hand red cards and frequent trips abroad to fight bad guys might be.

Aston Villa - Mr Motivator

Aston Villa last season looked good for a top four finish for 2/3 of the season......... Then they run out of steam.

Some people blamed that on the fact their squad was too small or that they just were not good enough. Well they were all wrong.

The reason Villa faded was their lack of fitness and GMTV's Derrick Evans/Mr Motivator is just they guy they need to get their juices working and give them the stamina they need to crack the top four...... Well that and someone stopping Ashley Young from "spunking" all his energy.

Birmingham - Ray Mears

Ray MEars can teach you how to survive in -

Jungles

Deserts

Forrests

Mountains

Polar ice caps

Milton Keynes

Outer space

Why not the Premiership?

Blackburn - Jabba's palace

Two things we know about Blackburn Rovers

1. They have poor attendance
2. They have Jabba the Huts cousin in charge

So, to make to most of or that all they need to do is move out of Ewood Park and in to their managers cousins palace.

It's a palace apparently so it will always be full of people who through fear of being fed to sarlacc the pit monster will cheer their hearts out in favor of the home team, plus Fat Sam will be close to Jabba and will hopefully be able to spend some for the space gangster money on other new signings.

Win win all round.

Bolton - Cave Troll

One particular transfer rumor doing the rounds is the fact that Fat San wants to bring Bolton's Kevin Davies to Blackburn.

What will Bolton do without their six goals a season striker I hear you cry?

Replace him with a bigger, badder more handsome version of himself who will ultimately do the same job as Kev just with better success.

Burnley - Whatever Tony Pullis had last season

At the start of last season I don't think many people gave Stoke a chance to stay up and look what happened.

Burnley I think are in the same boat.

I'm still not sure what made Stoke particularly better than the rest of the teams that finished below them but whatever is was it worked.

So that's what they need, whatever Stoke had last season, find out what it was, find out how much it costs and sign it........ Easy right?

Chelsea - Referees

Some of you out there might be wondering what a team that is owned by one of the richest people in the world could possibly need?

Well after witnessing last season Champions league semi final the simple answer is - the support of the refs.

That's cheating I hear you cry! Well only if you get caught right? And besides United have been doing a good job at it for years........

Everton - Doc Brown's time machine

We all saw how well Everton fared without a strike force last season and imagine how much better they could do with a top class striker who would bang them in 30 goals a season?!?!?!

Well the problem is that as we've seen this summer, those kind of players don't come cheap, David Villa for example will set you back more money than the GDP of Zimbabwe.

So what does a team like Everton do who we all know can't afford that kind of moolah?

Simply -

Buy a DeLorean and turn it in to a time machine  

We've all seen Back to the Future and all know that Doc Brown was no millionaire yet he managed to build one, so why not Everton?

Kidnapp great striker from the past

Once the time machine is built, go back in time and take your pick of the best strikers in history and just take them........ Might need to take their families too as leverage.

Fulham - 2008/09 Season

Whilst were on a time traveling theme it would be wise for Fulham to maybe follow suit and try to buy last season all over again.

Not really sure how this would work but that's their problem not mine, I just give the idea's, it's up to them to carry them out.

Hull - Jesus Christ

We all know that the first part of last season for Hull City and their fans was like Heaven............ Then it swiftly became Hell.

So who can get you back to Heaven? None other than the Son of God himself, the bigman JC a.k.a Jesus Christ.

If any man can get you there it's him, only problem being I'm not sure you can buy him as he works wherever the need is greatest and lets face it, Mick McCarthy is back in the Premiership.

Liverpool - Bill Gates

Rafa seems to talk a lot about not having enough money to spend, so to best way I can see to solve that problem is to replace their current owners with the stupidly rich Bill Gates.

Not only will Rafa have as much money as he likes to spend on average fullbacks but he will also have got one over Chelsea as Bill has more money than Roman and at Premier League meetings could belittle him with talk about how poor he is compared to himself.

Manchester City - Common Sense

All the money City's owners have must be compensating for their lack of common sense when it comes to footballing matters.

For all the money they have spent on players since taking over how many of those City players could play in the first teams of most other big teams?

I'd say two - Given and Robinho. Other than that it's really slim pickings.

Prime example of lack of common sense - Buy Santa Cruz for £18m when they already have about five forwards who are as good as him............

Manchester United - Fountain of Youth

We all know Sir Alex is getting older and you get the feeling that once he goes things might not be as good as they are right now.

So basically, invest the money from C-Ron in to finding the fountain of Youth so that Sir Alex can take a sip and keep managing your club till the end of time.

Whilst yor there it might be a good idea to let Giggs and Scholes have some too.

Portsmouth - More of this guy

We've all seen him, we don't know what his name is, we think is looks a bit mad, but none of us would say it to his face.

If Pompey had an army of this guy they could rule the world.

Good thing he was not around during the second world war and was a Nazi otherwise who knows how things might have turned out.

Stoke - Hot Cheerleaders

Stoke did well to survive last term but boy did they play some un-atractive football.

To counter that I'd but the hottest women I could afford and pitch them up around the ground so that at least you'd have something good to look at when your at a Stoke match.

Sunderland - A ball and chain

This one is for Steve Bruce.

I think he is a good manager but boy does he change jods a lot.

He's had more clubs than Tiger Woods and at this rate has more in common with a village hooker than a successful manager.

A good ball and chain should solve all those problems.

Tottenham - Stock Exchange

Speaking of change, Spurs seem to like to buy and sell all the time.

I think they've gone through more players since the turn of the century than live lost in the Vietnam War.

Of their current team I think only Corluka, Woodgate, Palacios, Modric, Keane and Defoe are not for sale.

So why not become the stock exchange just for footballers in stead of money, that way they could buy and sell players and stop pretending to be a football club.

West Ham - Steroids

With all the injuries West Ham seem to get each year I'm not sure why they have not tried this sooner.

It's a win win situation!

Either their players get fitter and stronger and play the whole season or they get busted for steroids and get banned meaning they would not be playing just like if they were injured.

What have you got to loose?

Wigan - New kit design

It's a really big problem when your kit looks like a Tesco bag.

Go with the Sainsburys bag look instead, it's worked for Holland in the past and could work for you too!

Wolves - A new manager

Lets face it, with big Mick in charge they are going down right?

He will probably be fired at some stage this season so why not get it over and done with now in stead of when your 13 points adrift by Christmas.

Just like a Boxer has a weight limit, Mick McCarthy has a league limit and the Championship is his fighting weight.

Take care

Football Guy

Hi and hello Football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! As it's Friday I thought I'd give you a treat to kick start the weekend - Footballers Haircuts, Part Two - Yes that's right!

Back in early December I did a column featuring some of the best/worst haircuts known to Football (yes I know, not very original) and it has since become my most viewed post racking up over 47000 unique hits.......... I'm guessing people like to look at pictures........ So I thought I'd do a Part Two over the summer and here it is.

To check out part one click HERE

Tony Daley - Short back and sides gone wrong

There was a time back in the early 90's when I thought Tony Daley was cool.......... Looking back, I'm not sure why.

I remember getting him in a 90/91 Football League sticker album and being well happy as I enjoyed watching him play and thought he had an awesome haircut. Well I still think he has an awesome haircut, but not for the same reasons I did back as a younger chap.

The thing that really kills this haircut for me is that little quiff at the front which adds at least +10 to the ridicules scales.

Don't worry Tony........ It looked good at the time.

Kazuyuki Toda - Flaming Mohawk

There have been quite a few renditions of the Mohawk over the years, but none quite as "in your face" as Kazuyuki Toda's at the 2002 World Cup.

I know it was a chance for Japan to show off some of their talented players but this might not have been the best idea to get yourself noticed.

Well, to be fair to Toda it did catch the eye of a certain team in North London, but judging by the colour he chose it was the wrong one. Unfortunately for Toda it was not Arsene Wegers eye he caught but rather Glenn Hoddle's who signed him for Spurs.

Well needless to say it didn't work out for him and after just one season in which he played just four times he was shipped of to Holland where they are much more liberal on such matters as haircuts and drugs.

Rene Higuita - Drug Barron's Henchman

After my recent trip to Barca I was given the nickname "El Guapo" which, if you have ever seen me fits perfectly. Likewise our old pal Rene was nicknamed "El Loco" which if you think about it also fits perfectly!

Not only was he crazy enough to go to Brian May's hairstylist, he also was the only goalkeeper I've ever seen to do this against England.

Rene, you scorpion kicking legend.

Alexei Lalas -  Jesus

No some might tell you that Jesus was actually Jewish and so would look more like Yossi Benayoun than the fair skinned depictions you see it churches around the world.......... NOT TRUE.

People have been waiting for the second coming of Christ for years but I'm afraid he's been and gone.

Back in 1994, the US of A put on a show and hosted the World Cup for the first time and as to not be out done by Diana Ross, Lalas treated us to the second coming of Christ...... Sort of.....

Bobby Charlton - Combover

Big spending Real Madrid are to feature in their own Mastercard adverts parodying their summer spending spree.

Florentino Perez

Newly reinstated "Master of Madrid" Perez has confirmed that they will do three spots over the summer with the first one airing just before the start of the season.

Perez was quoted as saying -

" I know a lot of people put there are very jealous of us being able to spend all of this money on whoever we want

But since it's coming of my Mastercard and not from bank loans as some Catalan based newspapers are reporting I thought I'd show the world that not only can I build great football teams but that I also have a great sense of humor to go with it"

Marca

Madrid based newspaper who broke the story last night have confirmed the basis of the first ad and it will go something like this -

1. New suit for Perez = £1000

2. Signing Kaka = £56m

3. Signing Cristiano Ronaldo = £80m

4. Beating Barcelona = Priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Real Madrid!

Early reports suggest that there is a 100% approval rating amongst Real fans and since they are based throughout the whole of Spain it looks as though the ad campaign will run country wide with a view to go across Europe some time in October.

10 game win streak

Also announced at a press conference last night was Real's latest Perez signing- A 10 game win streak - which reputedly has set back Madrid about £94.3m and will come in to start the new season.

Perez said -

"That's just the kind of player we need to help us win the league, he is very unselfish and will single handedly help us win the first 10 games of the season

I think £94.3m is a steal for someone of his caliber."

Perez has his critics, but one things for sure, he knows how to spend money and it remains to be seen who else might be swayed by his seemingly bottomless pockets and no-limit Mastercard.

Hi and hello football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! Things are humid here in the broom closet at football guy towers, for some reason in the winter this is the coldest place in the tower and in the summer it's too hot and considering it's not really that hot in the grand scheme of things in London you can only imagine what it must be like for me if the temperature really got high......

As you can guess from the title of the post, I'm going to be talking about the proposed transfer of C-Ron to Real Madrid. I've tried to put off talking about such things until they actually happen but hey, it's a slow Monday.

First off I'd like to say that Real might actually be the first team to ever have a Championship Manager summer and by that I mean amass a team of superstars all in one transfer window just like you could in Championship Manager. I do wonder where they are getting all this money from, but to be fair it is Real so the Spanish government has probably subsidized them with a secret loan that has 0% interest and has to be paid back at 1p a month for the next 2000 years. I wouldn't mind if the rumors were that they were just buying Kaka and C-Ron but from the sounds of it that's just the beginning, where will it end? Well since their just throwing money about I'd like to offer them my services as the official Real Madrid DJ/Announcer, you know, that guy who plays the tunes before the match starts and lets you know what the starting XI's are. Plus I get to make announcement during the game like -

"Could Mr Gonzalez please see your nearest steward as your car is parked illegally"

It would be great, plus when C-Ron scores I can do the whole - "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL" - thing as it sends the crowd wild.

I actually applied for that at the Emirates but they turned me down because they said I'd make to much noise and it would distract the players...............

My Thoughts

OK, I kind of lied to you, these are not going to be my thoughts on the transfer but rather my thoughts on the comments people have made about the proposed transfer.......... You'll see what I mean.

"Am I surprised (that Ronaldo is joining Real Madrid)? No, because I knew it would happen at some stage.

"We already knew that Real Madrid had a pre-contract agreement with Cristiano Ronaldo and that it was only a matter of time.

"I don't know exactly when that agreement was made, but I do know it was in place."

Football Guy's reaction

Not a lot (Happy Martin?) has been made of this supposed agreement between Real and C-Ron where they would have to pay him £25m if they did not sign him this summer. How and when did they sign this agreement? Is it even legal? How do I go about getting one?

Seriously, was this signed whilst he was at United? Because that to me seems quite fishy as it seems like some soft of breach of contract to me. I guess it must be fine as United have not complained about it but I know I would be pissed if I found out an Arsenal player had such an agreement with another club.

Is this going to be added into next seasons Football Manager?

"These excessive transfers are happening almost every day. It is very puzzling at a time when football faces some of its worst ever financial challenges.

"These transfers are a serious challenge to the idea of fairplay and the concept of financial balance in our competitions."

Football Guy's reaction

Well Michel, the only thing I find puzzling is where have Real got all this cash from, other than that it's nothing new, throughout the course of Football the bigger teams have attracted the bigger players either through prestige or money.

And as for your idea of fairplay and financial balance, when you left France to go and play for Juventus, did you leave because you grew up supporting Juve or because they paid the most money for you? Pot, kettle, black!

"It sets a standard that so many clubs will be unable to compete with - and if you do try to compete (financially with Real Madrid) you are building massive volumes of debt.

"That's one of the reasons Manchester United couldn't refuse the bid - they were bought on the back of a leverage bid. They owe money and they've got interest to pay.

"Football isn't immune to the world's problems and, as such, is very vulnerable."

Football Guy's reaction

Remember the big outcry from United fans when the Glaziers took over, they didn't want the club saddled with debt. Well ever since they took over that debt has been growing, I think it's up at around £700m. Now as Taylor has said, that needs to be paid back (well the interst does at least) and £80m is a very nice sum to be able to pay back some of that and still have money to invest in new players.

"It's fantastic for the league because next year there will be so many stars.

"Madrid is reinforcing itself, spending a lot of money, but I prefer something that already works and that is a guarantee of titles and will definitely work next year."

Football Guy's reaction

I'm not really sure what Pique is trying to say here...... Is he happy Real are getting better? Does he realize that this could hinder his own teams chances of winning the league?

I think young Pique has spent a little too much time in the sun drinking sangria..... Poor demented youngling.

"The most important thing for the team is to achieve a group mentality.

"I think Madrid need five signings. Most of them in attack, as that is Real Madrid's playing mentality."

Football Guy's reaction

Well Real might need five more players, but I don't think most of them need to be in attack. I think Kaka and C-Ron will bolster their attack sufficiently. Their attack was not that bad last season, they managed 83 goals which was the 2nd highest in La Liga! The problem was a defense which let in 52, that's just six less than Betis and Recreativo who both went down!

I don't see them doing it as it's not Perez's style, but some defensive improvement would not go amiss.

"When you fall out with Sir Alex, whatever may be the reasons - David Beckham did it as well with the entourage he carried with him - they're on their way.

"You can't have this disharmony brought upon the players and the club every year and I think United - £80m - cut their hands off and give Real Madrid the problem of handling Ronaldo from now on in.

"Man United are the biggest club in the world: talk about Real Madrid and Barcelona. No, when you leave Man United you go downhill."

Football Guy's reaction

With all due respect Tommy, I don't think this has anything to do with team harmony...... United have been made an offer they can refuse and are selling. I'm not sure any team would refuse £80m for any player FULL STOP.

And as for your last statement, this is what really pisses me off with United fans...... YOU ARE NOT THE GREATEST CLUB IN THE WORLD EVER!!!!!!!!!

I'm not saying this to be anti United but I truly believe that if you asked every professional player on the plant which club they would like to play for if money had nothing to do with it I'm pretty sure most would say Real and AC Milan for the sheer prestige....... United don't even have the same amount of European Cup's as Liverpool for god sake let alone Real and AC Milan!

"Cristiano's departure is not impossible to fix.

"He will be missed but United have other players who can replace him."

Football Guy's reaction

Well one things for sure......... It won't be you!

"My reaction is disappointment more than anything because he's a great, great player - this situation of 'is he or isn't he?' has been going on for last 12 months. I honestly thought he'd stay there as long as the manager would but it hasn't worked out that way, he obviously wants to go.  

"He's a great player - there's a lot of jealousy out there about great players and about Manchester United being successful so that comes into it, there's not many foreign players in England who don't do the occasional dive but he's a fantastic player.

"I never thought for one moment that he'd leave, I thought he might have stayed for another couple of years, it's a great disappointment."

Football Guy's reaction

Well, I think that's a pretty fair assessment. Whilst I thought he would leave at some stage I must say I'm surprised it was this summer.

He is a great player and it's true most people unfortunately like to take pot shots at great players about this or that and to me his diving was not really that big a problem because as we've seen from England internationals, most players dive......... C-Ron's problem for me was his reaction to not getting a free kick regardless of if he dived. Throwing his hands in the air demanding the ref take action as if to say "no mere mortal can take the ball from me without fouling." That's what I found annoying, but hey, we all have are faults right?

"When you look at this deal, you think football has gone absolutely mad. For Ronaldo to be worth £80m is just staggering.

"Something has to happen in this game because things can't go on like this."

Football Guy's reaction

I hate comments like this. What do you mean - "Something has to happen in this game because things can't go on like this."? - It's not like all of a sudden £80m transfers are going to become the norm, hell you don't really see many £30m transfers.

Basically if I own a club and can afford to pay that much, surely it's down to me if I want to pay it? I think old Dave is jealous that he can't and wishes football came down to his level.

"Manchester United are a private company and like any other private company have to think about their financial considerations. We have no indication of how much of the £80m they might use to service the debt, but clearly servicing their debt is very important to them.  

"Real Madrid's structure allows them to be much more ostentatious in terms of their spending. United are a private company, a profit-making organisation if they can, so there is an imperative to control costs while generating revenue.

"The debt is there, we are told they are controlling the debt, even so they have to pay some of the debt off on a regular basis.

Football Guy's reaction

Very well put and I have nothing to say other than to ask if he is related to former United player Luke Chadwick....... Judging from his picture I say no...... He's not ugly enough!

"I don't think they can turn it down. The only problem the manager has got is to find someone to replace Cristiano, given the number of goals he has scored.

"When Ruud van Nistelrooy left, people said the manager did not know what he is doing but Ronaldo stepped up to the plate.

"Whether this might allow them to sign Carlos Tevez now and still have money left in the kitty to get other players... the manager will not have his head buried in the sand. He will be looking and scouring the market worldwide."

Football Guy's reaction

That is going to be the key I guess, how do you replace his goals? It's not just the amount of goals he scored either that's the problem, how do you replace all those important goals, the match winners, the individual brilliance that won so many games for United over the last two seasons single handed.

It's a tough ask, but I think signing Tevez would be the right thing to do and from then on Fergie should be able to figure it out..... He is a Sir after all....

Take care

Football Guy 

Hi and hello Football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! I writing to you today from the comfort of my desk at work, not sure why I have never done this before as it means I can goof off at work and speed my day up!

Due to the wonderful feedback I got from you guys out there I decided to include a bench of the season to my Manager of the season column. The format is as follows - 1GK 2DF 2MF and 2 FW.

So here it is -

Edwin Van Der Sar

As these guys only managed the bench I deem them not being worthy of a picture, puls Edwin is ugly as sin and I don't wont people to be put off coming to the site!

Other than that VDS had a very good season and it's quite hard not to include the goalkeeper who set a Premiership record for most minutes without letting in a goal. I do think that had a little more to do with the defense in front of him but hey-ho, I doubt Gomes would have managed it!

Jussi had a few supporters amongst my readers but I just feel it would be wrong to keep VDS out of the team all together as breaking those sorts of records don't happen ever year.

Side Note - Calling him VDS does save time, but also makes him sound like a sexually transmitted disease!

G. Neville - Rio, what did you do at the weekend?

Rio - Banged some bird innit brov!

G. Neville - Cool, was she hot?

Rio - Course brov, but I fink she gave me VDS!

Leighton Baines

When your wrong, you say your wrong. I was wrong when I said there had not been any good left backs this season...... I'm sorry.... Thanks for reminding guys.

Baines had a fine season, in fact he had the most assist of any defender and actually was only three of the league lead of ten. His haul of seven was the same amount as Wayne Rooney and one more than C-Ron.

Had I thought about this better yesterday he might just have made the first XI, but just like god's word I can't go back on mine so he will have to settle for a place on the bench and hope for better next season.

Brede Hangeland

Another popular choice amongst the readers and I had considered him, but ultimately he fell short. Fine season from "Big" Brede (isnt that an Irish girls name?) and it will be interesting to see if he is still in a Fulham shirt next season and more importantly if he can play as well as he did this term.

I myself am still not fully sold on Hangeland, but I can't deny, he did have a top season.

Stephen Ireland

Ireland, IRELAND, together standing tall!!! Shoulder, TO SHOULDER, WE'LL ANSWER CITIES CALL!!!

Stephen Ireland or as friend of the site Spurs Pete calls him - the little genie. One of the few people who have a blad head but yet have sideburns as well, apparently according to Pete, Mark Hughes rubs Irelands sideburns before a match and makes a wish...... Obviously not many were football related as City would have done much better but it didn't effect the diminutive Irishman's form and I believe he was a staple of many a fantasy teams midfield.

Basically he's the poor man's Frank Lampard, which anit really that bad of a thing

Andrey Arshavin

I'm struggling to think of another player who had such a big an impact in such short a space of time as Ar Ar Arshavin, Russia's greatest goal machine. Shame it was not enough to help Arsenal achive anything......

But at least Gooners have a whole season of him to look forward to next term and if he keeps the form he had from last season I think he could well become the poor man's C-Ron and by that I mean still expensive in fantasy terms but still a lot cheaper than the big man himself.

Will be interesting to see if he is played in a more advanced role next season or if Wenger keeps him on the wing, I think that decision will be made a lot easier if "dead man walking" Tomas Rosicky comes back from the land of the dead and plays again.

Dirk Kyut

Now, whilst I never actually had deadly Dirk in my fantasy team, I did advise some of the players in my fantasy league (Sportboy T) that he should bring him in.......... Did he take my advice? No..... And in doing so missed out on the 4th highest scoring fantasy player of last season.

Dirk had what I like to call a "sneaky good" season and by that I mean you didn't really notice him scoring but he managed to rack up 12 goals in the league along with 8 assist..... Pretty good huh?

That's actually five more goals than Ashley Young with one less assist, the problem I think Dirk had was that while Young was instrumental to Villa for most of the season, you never really felt that without Dirk Liverpool would suffer and I think that's why he is on the bench and Young is in the first XI.

Robin Van Persie

This was quite a tough decision to make as I didn't want to seem like a "homer" (someone who is blinded by their own team) but if you look at the formula  I used to put RVP on the bench you will see why he's there.

I basically added up the goals and assist each candidate had over the course of the league season and RVP 21 narrowly beat out Agbonlahor, Rooney and Robinho who each got 20, 19 and 19 respectively.

The Dutchman did have a very good season which might have been even better had he not missed most of March and April due to injury, but then again that's like saying the weather would be great in London if it didn't rain so much......

Final Thoughts

Well that's that, despite my fairly high opinion of myself I know that I can't please everyone, but really, who can?

Manager of the Season

Now before I get to the who and why, I would just like to take a moment to acknowledge some of the unlucky losers -

3rd  Sir Alex -  League and League cup double, Champions League Runner up and an FA Cup final - Why didn't he win?!?!?! Well it's because that is whats expected of him and when you think about it the only thing he won which was worth winning was the League...... Again I know I say "ONLY" but lets be fair, they had already won it the previous two years and were favorites to win it again this year.

2nd Roy Hodgeson - Fulham almost went down last season and were one of my favorites to go down this year. But how wrong was I...... Not only did they not go down but they actually achieved a Europa League spot for next season. all in all a great season for the Cottagers.....  But not great enough for me!

And the winner is.........

DAVID MOYES

That's right, the ginger Scot managed to steer Everton back to 5th spot in the league and to their first FA Cup final in 14 years..... Now that normally would not be enough to win the award but the fact Moyes managed to do all this without having any fit strikers for most of the season is truly remarkable.

For the most part he had to rely on his Saved by the Bell combo of little A.C. Slater and lanky Screech or Tim Cahill and Fellaini to you and I to play upfront, couple that with losing Arteta for a good chunk of the season I'm actually quite surprised they finished as high as they did.

And that's pretty much why he wins it for me over Roy Hodgeson, had Fulham had some devastating injuries and not just losing Andy Johnson old Roy might have won. But for me David Moyes is the most worthy candidate and a deserved winner

Take care

Football Guy