Hi and hello football fans it's your old pal Roko the Football guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! I gather that quite a lot of you had problems finding this weeks Monday Hangover column, it was written but for some reason I think it needs to be searched for by name to find it, so instead of asking you to do that why don't I just post a link..........LINK

Right, now down to the business at hand. We are less than two weeks in to the new Premier League season and already commentators are staring to do my head in, not only commentators but fans in general. It's not really how they behave (unless they are West Ham or Millwall fans) but what they say and it happens every year, the phrases that get repeated over and over again, the misconceptions, the fallacies. I want them to stop NOW!

I don't believe they say them deliberately to wind me up, and I'm not even sure they know they are doing it, so once and for all let me clear them up for you with the Football Guy most annoying things people say in Football part one.

Peter Crouch has good feet for a big man

This is used by both fan and pundit alike and it must stop! Basically what you are saying is that a professional footballer who plays for England can control the ball well........ HE FUCKING WELL SHOULD DO AS HE IS PAID A SHIT LOAD OF MONEY TO DO SO!!!!!

It's like saying "Insert action movie star name" can act! Of course he can, he's an actor!!!

It seems like Peter Crouch is the only tall player who get this credit and Zlatan Ibrahimovic is 6,5ft yet nobody goes on about him having good feet for a big man, all they say about him is that he is overrated........ Well I'd rather have an overrated Zlatan in my side than a lanky Peter Crouch who's first touch is good enough to play professional football.

Eduardo is from Brazil

Not a game goes by that I don't hear a commentator say "The Brazilian born striker"....... Yes, we know he is born in Brazil and I don't think anyone who knows anything about football thinks he is Croatian through and through so please can you stop saying it!

I don't remember people saying "John Barnes, the Jamaican born winger"  or "Edgar David, the Suriname born midfielder".

Call Dudu a diver, but can we stop mentioning he's born in Brazil six times a game, we know that and we won't forget it even if you don't mention it.

Fergie's hairdryer treatment

Anytime United are losing a game at halftime or have played badly in the first half someone has to say "I bet Fergie will give them the hairdryer treatment". Fuck you before I give you the fist to face treatment!

Wayne Rooney just loves to play

I'm glad he loves his job.

Paul Scholes can't tackle (said with slight chuckle)

So....... That makes it alright does it? Maybe he should learn? Here are so more -

George Bush can't run a country

Bernie Madoff can't invest

Keanu Reeves can't act

Lily Allen can't sing

Tony Hibbert can't play football

Let's not make excuses for people.

Mercenary Players

Piss off, whilst I do agree some players just follow the cash, 99% of players move to big teams because they can win things and because they pay better.

Chelsea and Manchester City have as many mercenary players as most other big teams!

I don't remember people call Scott Parker a mercenary when he left Charlton........ Speaking of which.....

Underrated players

I remember Scott Parker being called underrated by so many people for years, well if everyone thinks he was underrated I think that ultimately means he was ratted.... Right?

It's not just Scott Parker, just think of any player you think is underrated, think how long you have thought them to be underrated and how many other people think they are underrated........ If it's been longer than a year and a lot of other people think so then they probably are overrated or rated just how they should be!

England don't win because their players are overpaid and don't care

This is complete BS!!!!!

They don't get paid to play for England so if all they care about is money then way are they playing?

Last time I checked Spain were European Champs and all their players are highly paid and whats more quite a few of their first team players are from regions of Spain that don't even count themselves as Spanish and what an Independent country...... Why would they care?

Don't make excuses for failure!!!   

Most of Frank Lampard goals are deflected

6%......... That's right, it's 6%..........

Lower League fans who claim they watch "Real Football"

Correction, you watch on the whole shit football and a jealous of the fact your team is poo and can't get/stay in the Premiership. (Not directed at you Martin)

Liverpool are a two man team

I don't have the stat in front of me but I remember an article in the Guardian that said Liverpool without Torres and Gerrard won a higher percentage of matches than United did without Rooney or C-Ron.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

And finally........

Arsenal have a poor atmosphere at their home matches

Bullsh......... Wait, that is true.........

Take care

Football Guy 

Hi and hello football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! Things are not good here in the broom closet at football guy towers, I now have a bad back to go along with my chronic tiredness and to top it all off I had arguably one of the most horrendous days ever at work yesterday which has led to me deciding I need a day off today.

On the bright side I had not planed on writing anything today but since I'm not going to work I felt obliged to at least do something semi productive.

The idea for this article came from the only plus point from yesterdays horror show that was my job. I was browsing Google and came across this article called "The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys".

I fully recommend you read it as it made me laugh and hopefully will do the same for you.

So without further delay, in no particular order, here are some of the worst gifts I could find that are football related.

1. The Arsenal Wallet

For starters, it's not even made out of leather and the colour scheme is all wrong. Surely it should be Red with a White trim right?

It looks like one of those knock-off's you could find at any market stall scattered around and tourist destination that English people would frequent.

The only saving grace it that it's quite authentic and by that I mean it comes with no money inside to spend, yes like the real team.

Find it here

2. Eric Cantona Holographic Footprint

OK, here's the scenario - You have a cousin who's a United fan, you want to get him something to do with the team he loves and you are willing to spend up to £100............ Well look no further than the Eric Cantona Holographic Footprint!

What the FUCK?

That's what you want to spend £100 of your hard earned pounds on? A Holographic Footprint?

I can honestly say, if anyone and I mean ANYONE!!!! Be it my parents, girlfriend, best friend, good friend or the Pope ever....... EVER..... Spent £100 on a Denis Bergkamp Holographic Footprint I would smash it in their face as soon as I unwrapped it.

The way I see it for £60 you could buy a great seat at Old Trafford and still have £40 left over to spend on booze. That sounds like a good time, hell, even I would like that. What am I supposed to do with Cantona's footprint? Compare it to my foot?

Find it here

3. Newcastle United Football Archive Book

If you feel Newcastle fans have not been tortured enough in their history  and feel that them being relegated last was not all that bad, then how about spending £50 on a book of Newspaper clippings of their history from 1905 to present day.

The only reason you would want to buy this for anyone is if you really hated them and to be fair, if that's the case there are plenty of cheaper ways to hurt them.

This book is the equivalent of me forcing my mate Stew (Liverpool fan) to watch my 1989 Liverpool v Arsenal DVD over and over again except you have to read instead of watch.

Find it here

4. Bolton Fan - House Plaque

5. Any Goalkeeper kit for you son or daughter

Right, the way I see it, unless you son/daughter actually plays in goal for a youth team there is no reason as to why you should buy them the goalkeepers kit of their favorite team....... FULL STOP.

No kid wants that. They want the home of away kit. Hell they would prefer the 3rd kit and maybe even the training kit to the goalkeepers.

Not only is it bad enough that it's the keepers, but on the whole GK's kits are usually horrible and have some god awful colour scheme, don't torture your child, it's not fair.

Side note - Should any parent EVER buy their kid a fake GK kit, you know what I mean, one of those one's that Sunday league teams play in, Social services should be called in immediately and the child be taken in to protected custody.

I will not be providing a link for where you can buy one as I don't want to held accountable as an accessory to child abuse.

6. Tottenham Hotspur Passport holder and luggage strap   

On the surface this seems like quite a good gift, but then you realize it's for a Spurs fan and it make you wonder how much use they would get out of it following their team around Europe......... Nit much is the answer.

It kind of reminds me of the special prize in cult TV show "Bull's Eye".

You remember when Jim Bowen would show them what they could have won and it was always something like a speedboat or a caravan. Not for me, a man who lives in central London and does not have a car, what to Fuck am I supposed to do with either of those? Plus, do you know how much fuel a speedboat uses? It's a lot!

Find it here

7. An incomplete sticker album

HERE IS an incomplete Panini English Football 92 sticker album......... WOW, I've always wanted that!!!

It actually has 33 of the 276 stickers present in the album....... AWESOME, even better!

Who would buy this? I could understand if it was complete but it's less than 1/5th full for god sake!

What a crap gift!

Side note - I actually own this particular album and mine is 19 sticker away from completion, I wonder if 19 of the 33 stickers in this album are the ones I need?

Find it here

8. Chelsea: A 100-year History

Something tells me that the first 95 years are covered in the first 6 pages of the book and the rest follows the recent exploits of the Fulham Blues.

Really, I can't imagine it's that good a read and baring their title in 1955, there can't be that much to talk about up until 2004.

If you think I'm being a tad harsh on Chelsea let me end on one point - There is a reason why opposing fans sing "Chelsea wherever you maybe...... Chelsea ain't got no History......".

9. Norwich City Personalised Diary

Here's one for our resident Norwich City fan, Mr Martin Race.

A Personalised Norwich City Diary is the best way for you to keep track of all those League One grounds you will be visiting next season.

Don't worry, there not all little backwater dumps, you get to go to Elland Road.......... Wait......... That's in Leeds!

For you Martin....

Find it here

10. FIFA World Cup Germany 2006 Football Pump

Pictue this scenario -

It's July 2009, Your friend has a Sunday league team and pre-season training is about to start.

He tell's you over a few pints that everything is ready fro the new season apart from the fact he needs a new football pump for training.

You go home slightly drunk and decided to sort his problem out (he bought most of the rounds).

"I know" say's you, I'll get him an authentic Germany 2006 pump........ He'll love that!

So you order it off Ebay for £1 + P&P and a few days later in arrives, you wrap it up a go off to meet him after work to give him his new gift.

Your buddy proceeds to unwrap the pump and just as he does, you say - "no need to thank me, it's the least I coul......"

That being the last sentence you utter as he proceeds to jam the funnel end into your eyeball and starts to inflate your head.

Sound like it could happen? I think so.......

Find it here

So to sum up......

OK these might not be the 10 worst gifts ever........... But I have to leave some spare for the next time I need something to write about!

Take care

Football Guy

Big spending Real Madrid are to feature in their own Mastercard adverts parodying their summer spending spree.

Florentino Perez

Newly reinstated "Master of Madrid" Perez has confirmed that they will do three spots over the summer with the first one airing just before the start of the season.

Perez was quoted as saying -

" I know a lot of people put there are very jealous of us being able to spend all of this money on whoever we want

But since it's coming of my Mastercard and not from bank loans as some Catalan based newspapers are reporting I thought I'd show the world that not only can I build great football teams but that I also have a great sense of humor to go with it"

Marca

Madrid based newspaper who broke the story last night have confirmed the basis of the first ad and it will go something like this -

1. New suit for Perez = £1000

2. Signing Kaka = £56m

3. Signing Cristiano Ronaldo = £80m

4. Beating Barcelona = Priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Real Madrid!

Early reports suggest that there is a 100% approval rating amongst Real fans and since they are based throughout the whole of Spain it looks as though the ad campaign will run country wide with a view to go across Europe some time in October.

10 game win streak

Also announced at a press conference last night was Real's latest Perez signing- A 10 game win streak - which reputedly has set back Madrid about £94.3m and will come in to start the new season.

Perez said -

"That's just the kind of player we need to help us win the league, he is very unselfish and will single handedly help us win the first 10 games of the season

I think £94.3m is a steal for someone of his caliber."

Perez has his critics, but one things for sure, he knows how to spend money and it remains to be seen who else might be swayed by his seemingly bottomless pockets and no-limit Mastercard.

Less than 48 hours after being relegated from the Premier League Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has shocked the God fearing people of the world by announcing the club will be hiring the dark one himself  to help change the fortunes of the club.

Ashley, who's popularity with the Newcastle fans is at an all time low was quoted in the News of the World (The underworld favorite newspaper) as saying -

"In the past we've brought in Kings, Chosen ones and Messiah's and none have really work. The lack of silverware has shown me that the club needs a chance of direction so instead of the Messiah I've decided to change course and go with the Devil"

Ashley's change in club policy has raised a few eyebrows as the Devil has no previous experience of managing a Football club but the Newcastle owner hit back at that with -

"Neither did Alan Shearer"

It's not the first time Ashley has looked to the underworld for help, he had previously hired Devil Spawn Dennis Wise to an Executive positions at Newcastle to mixed reaction and now will have to justify bringing in the little man's father as manager.

Satan meanwhile has kept a pretty low profile over the years was too available for comment -

"People say I've got no experience in managing a football club, now whilst that may be true I do have a lot of experience in running a football club".

"I've owned Manchester United for years, why do you think they are called the Red Devils"?

"Also I'm managed Hell for the past 6,000 years and let me tell you, the pressure of running that place is nothing compared to what these football managers go through"!

Ashley's move, whilst divisive in footballing circles has managed to quell sectarianism in Christian society with the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Pope agreeing for the first time ever in condemning the move. In a joint statement released from Luxembourg which is about half way between Canterbury and the Vatican -

"What kind of example is this setting for the kids of today? How can they hire the route of all evil to be their manager? Haven't they seen all the killings he's caused in Northern Ireland"?

Not only has Ashley hired Satan, he's given him free reign to hire his own backroom staff by firing Ian Dowie, Chris Houghton and Joe kinnear. Already rumors of Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Darth Vader have surfaced as possible number two's but bookies favorite is former Aston Villa manger John Gregory who is already known as the most evil manager in history and kind of looks like the Devil already.

Time will tell if Ashley has made the right decision, but in all fairness, it can't get any worse right?