Football Guy's Mailbag

Hi and hello football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down, I hope all is well wherever you are. I'm not in a good mood today I must say and it has nothing to do with the fact its Monday. My foul mood can be traced back to Friday where I went out for my good friend Pat's 46th birthday and spunked more money than I care to mention and have spent the last two days recovering from the mother of all comedowns and still feel like I want to put a bullet through my head. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time and am glad I went......... Just wished I had not blown so much cash. I'm not going to go in to too much detail about what I got up to but let me guarantee one thing, whatever it was I did on Friday will never be repeated by me again for as long as I live, that's the last time ever......... I swear.

Anyway, enough about me feeling sorry for myself. It's time for me to unleash the first of my "Football Guy Mailbags." Basically, I'm quite a popular guy and I get a lot of emails and messages from people asking advice about football and other stuff (not financial advice though) and I thought I'd share some of those questions I receive with you guys. 

Let's kick off -

Q: Hey Football Guy, I hear you used to live in Spain and I was wondering if you knew how good the hair products are out there? I am relocating to Madrid from Manchester and am worried that I will need to import the stuff I use over here to Madrid.

-- Cristiano, Madrid

FG: Hi Cristiano, well first off I can't speak for Madrid as I've never been but I did live in Barcelona and can tell you that the hair products there are pretty poor. I've never saw any wax or hair clay, it's all what I like to call industrial GEL........ You know, that stuff that come's in Yellow or Green and smells funny and turns your hair rock solid.

I've heard that the hair product industry around Manchester has just taken a turn for the worst due it its biggest buyer leaving town so I would full recommend importing as they would appreciate the business and you might be able to get a good deal.

Q: What happened to my career?

-- Owen M, Newcastle

FG: Good question. I've been thinking about this ever since it emerged that Michael Owen's agents had created a brochure with which to "sell" their client and the only explanation I can think of is that you are cursed!

To make matters worse I think you cursed yourself and it all started in the summer of 2004 when you left Liverpool for Real Madrid and I quote - "To win things."

Since then Liverpool have one an FA Cup and been to two Champions League finals winning one, you on the other hand have won nothing, been relegated from the Premiership and have lost your place in the England team to Emille Heskey and Peter Crouch.

There is a lesson to be learned here and I hope Stevie G is reading......... Never say your leaving Liverpool to "win things".

My only advice to you Michael would be to try and find some photos of Sir Alex in a brothel and use them to blackmail your way in to him bringing you to United. If anyone can break that curse it will be him and if not at least the rest of the league will be happy when United go bankrupt because you have cursed them.

Q: I hear you like to blow your hard earned cash on stuff that seems like it would be a good idea at the time but in hindsight you wish you had rather given it to Bernie Madoff to invest. So I am giving you the once in a life time chance to own your own former Premiership team!

-- Ashley M, Unknown

FG: I can understand why Mr Ashley would prefer to keep his location unknown but really, even I'm not that dumb......... Had he been offering me Norwich City I'd have sooner agreed.

Q: Did you see our boys almost win the soccer confed championship? WOW, we don't even play your so called sport properly and still are almost the best franchise. We whoop number one ranked Spain's asses in the semi finals and then were two zero up against Brazil. You know why we lost though, not because we can't beat the rest of the world at your sissy sport but because no team that has ever one the confed cup has gone on to win the World Series the following year. 2010 - The year soccer become relevant!

-- Chip McClean, U-S-of-freaking-A

FG: I'm just waiting for China to beat them at next years finals just like they did in the Olympic medal table and in the worlds economy..........

Q: Should I be worried that no team that has won the confederations cup has gone on to win the World Cup the next year?

-- Dunga, Brazil

FG: No way..... Your Brazil!!

Q: Should I be happy that Brazil won the confederations cup as no team that has won it has gone on to win the World Cup the following year?

-- Maradona, Argentina

FG: No way..... There Brazil!!

But seriously you should feel confident...... Well if you get there that is and don't get fired before hand because no European team has won the World Cup outside of Europe and as it stands were going to be in South Africa in 2010.

But here's the catch, your country has never won it outside of the America's so I'd be worried.

Basically, if you have loads of cash and are looking for a return of about 5/1 on your money within a year you could do a lot worse than put in on Brazil. They look a good bet to me!

Q: People are saying my interest in signing Michael Owen is just a publicity stunt, HOW DARE THEY!

-- Brown P, Hull

FG: I'm sure it's not, just like the way you kept your team on the halfway line during halftime during a match this season, or the way you accused Arsene Wenger of never shaking your hand after a match despite the video evidence showing he has, or the way you accused Cesc Fabregas of spitting at one of your staff despite there being no evidence, or how you sang Karaoke on the pitch after you stayed up this season, or how you wear a conman's leather jacket, or how you have a fake tan.

Mr Brown, I have no idea why people would think bad of you.......

Q: Hey there Football Guy, me and my brother are starting to wonder if we are the only people who are worried that our club seems to want to buy every striker in the world that is available. We already have Bojinov, Robinho, Bellamy, Benjani, Santa Cruz, Sturridge, Evans, Caicedo and Jo and I'm not even going to bother mentioning the pensioner that is Darius Vassell and now we are going to buy Tevez and Eto'o........ WTF!!!!

-- Liam and Noel, Manchester

FG: Well........ Strikers are important, but you are right in thinking that maybe having eleven might be a tad too much. Nevermind, I'm sure your owners know what they are doing.

Q: I love the fact Manchester City are buying all of these forwards as it means I won't have to buy one for my team and can just loan one like I did last season. Who said managing a Football team was hard?

-- Moyes D, Merseyside

FG: I agree Mr Moyes, when you have teams like Manchester City managing does not seem that hard at all.

You did very well last year, just try to stay in Europe a little while longer this season.

Q:  PLEASE I WANT TO MORE ABOUT C RONALDO, IF REALLY HE HAS GONE TO REAL MARDRED OR NOT, AND IF THERE IS NO WAY I CAN GET IS MAIL ADDRESS I WILL BE HAPPY TO MAIL HIM DIRRECT TO HIM. THANKS.

-- Emmanuel, Unknown

FG: Sorry Manu, I can't give out info like that.........

Q: I hear you don't rate me as a manager, well I once told Roy Keane where to stick it and you my friend are no Roy Keane. UP YOURS!!!! I too am a good manager and just so you know I've hired a new assistant call Emmanuel who is going to be my new number two and together we are going to be the new Stoke City!!! 

-- Mick, Wolverhampton

FG: See you in the job center before Christmas, Love, Football Guy.