Footballers Haircuts - The Classics - Issue One

Me and a friend the other day were talking on the phone and the conversation swung to David Beckham, specifically his hair. How many different haircuts has he had over his career?

If Jimmy Greaves hold the record for most career top-flight league goals at 357 then Beckham must hold the record for most different hair cuts by a top-flight English footballer right?

Here is what we managed to come up with

• Curtains
• Blonde Curtains
• Mohawk
• Blonde Mohawk
• Skinhead
• Blonde Skinhead - Which looks very similar to NFL Quarterback Brett Farve
• Crew cut
• Spiked
• Longhair
• The Fernando Torres
• Pepsi Gladiator/Tugay
• Cornrows
• Flock of Seagulls 
• Messy

That's A lot of haircuts for one man in a career! I've got 14 there which is basically one a season for Beck's and I'm sure I've missed a few out (Do let me know if you find any I've missed) and unlike Beckham, his buddy and ex-team mate Paul Scholes has had.......... one.

This got me thinking about other players who have had (not as many as that is impossible) bad haircuts and an excuse for a very lazy column (Hey if I was paid for this then maybe I'd work harder at it). So here comes the Football Guys guide to Classic Haircuts.

NOTE - I will not be including Carlos Valderrama in this as his hair is SOOOOOO great that i don't feel I'm worthy to criticize.

Jason Lee - The Pinapple

Would anyone even remember Jason if it wasn't for this haircut made famous by Baddiel and Skinner on their show Fantasy Football in the 90's. Lee suffered a torrent of chants and abuse from the terraces, "He's got a pineapple, on his head, he's got a pineapple, on his head!" (to the tune of He's Got the whole world In His Hands) 

I remember being taken to a Aston Villa v Nottingham Forrest game by a friend of the Football Mum, in which Jason Lee had probably decided he could not take the abuse anymore and shaved his head a couple of days before hand. It didn't stop the abuse though as the crowd started singing "He had a pineapple, on his head, he had a pineapple, on his head and now he's fucking bald " and as the game wore on they started adding to the end on it with "And now he's fucking bald and shit and daft and crap"

I don't recall any other footballer ever getting so much abuse for his hair, maybe if he was any good at football we might have talked about something else.

Abel Xavier - Dr Zaius

The only man who might be able to rival Captain Beck's in the title of "Most Haircuts in a Career". Unfortunately for Dr zaius or Poseidon - King of the Sea, none of his should be worn in public.

Here is a few more to look laugh at.

• Cornrow Mohawk
• The Wall Insulation
• The Job Interview
• The Ask for your Money Back
• The David, do you like my hair?
• Your hair acts as a beacon for planes
• Hold on, that's not you!
• Guest Stared in Thundercats
• And in some film with Harrison Ford

Chris Waddle - Pat Sharpe

If you look past his penalty miss at Italy 90 and his horrible choice of hair, you would see that Waddle actually was a top footballer. Unfortunately for Chris, Dribbling on the wing was the extent of his abilities as he had bad fashion sense and was a poor singer to boot, Glenn Hoddle really holds together these Lennon and McCartney wannabe's.

Taribo West - Strings

 

What is that?........ Seriously, WTF? I would like my friend Emi to explain what his fellow countryman was thinking when he decided this was a good idea. Maybe this was all the rage back then in Lagos?

Rio Ferdinand - The Merk

I'm not sure what's worse, this haircut from Rio or his Punk'd  style TV show Merk'd? Worse still, he managed to convince a team mate that this too was a good haircut. Poor old Wes Brown, it's not like being a black ginger man is bad enough.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Andrew Ridgley

World best player you might be, but world best haircut you do don't have. The fact that it make's you look like the crap guy from Wham does not help either. I guess it did help him get this honey, or was that the cash?

Carlos Puyol - The Mess

Oh dear, I guess when you look like the Hunchback of Notre dame it does not really matter what your hair looks like. When I lived in Barcelona I popped in to Puyol's family run bar, in which there are loads of photo's plastered over the walls of Charlie and Barcelona FC, it's enough to put any man of his Estrella.

Bakary Sagna - Strings Pt 2

What is going on? Was Taribo West Sagna's idol growing up? At least West had the decency to get rid of his after a while, Sagna obviously been taking hair tips from Adebayor.

Speaking of which.

Emmanuel  Adebayor - The Title Killer

OK, I know what you are thinking, whats wrong with this haircut? Nothing, if you like Bernie Mack. But if you cast your mind's back to last season, Arsenal had just taken a five point lead in the title race after Manchester United lost at home to Manchester City, Ade was scoring goals left, right and center then decided to change his hair style, Arsenal drew four in a row, Ade failed to score in about seven and Arsenal's title hopes slipped away.

Cesc Fabregas - Spanish Mullet

I know he was only 16 but still, no excuse. Having lived in Spain this is nowhere near the worst mullet in Spain but, it is up there.

 

Fabricio Coloccini - Pubic Hair

I've often asked people if they would have pubic hair for their head hair in exchange for a £1,000,000? Obviously Coloccini made that deal to become a footballer and his hair is probably one of the few highlights in watching a Newcastle United match.

Ronaldo - My son mistakes me for Roberto Carlos

During the 2002 World Cup, fat Ronaldo decided to get this Bermuda triangle on his head. His excuse? Apparently his son kept mistaking him for Roberto Carlos. Maybe his wife wants to tell him something? If his kid develops monster thighs in a few years we will have our answer.

If it's true, get ready for Ronaldo replacing Chilavert in this clip.

Rudi Voller/Frank Rijkaard - Great Players/Bad Haircuts

Frank Rijkaard hated Rudi Voller's hair so much he decided to show his contempt for it at Italy 90. Rijkaard obviously never heard the words Pot, Kettle and Black. So here the translation Frank, Po, Ketel en Zwart.

So that's your lot this time around. I'm sure we shall revisit this the next time I'm feeling lazy. Send in your suggestion for Issue Two and I'll be sure to include them when we next cross this bridge.

Take Care

Football Guy