The alternative transfer list

Hi and hello Football fans, it's your old pal Roko the Football Guy, whats going down? I hope all is well wherever you are! Summer is finally kicking in to gear and I've not put on a pair of shoes or trainers (sneakers for our US chums) for over five days. Needless to say my feet feel very liberated, although I do seem to be getting cramp in my left calf a lot and I'm guessing it's from my flip-flops (thongs for our Ozzie chums).

Anyway on to the football. Another sign summer is in full swing is the amount of nothing that happens in football........ Well other than the hyperbole created by the media about potential transfers which is why your old pal the Football Guy is going to take a slightly different approach and suggest a potential signing for each Premiership team that may or may not be a real person......... You'll see what I mean.

Arsenal - Colossus

Since the Gunners sold Patrick Viera in the summer of 2005 they have never really managed to replace him. That dominant midfield general whos presence is felt by all of the other 21 players on the field.

Well Colossus from the X-Men might be just the guy they need. Not only would he give Cesc more freedom to do what he does best but he would also provide much needed help to the back four.

Although being Russian, he's speant much of his adult life in the US so English should not be a problem, on the other hand red cards and frequent trips abroad to fight bad guys might be.

Aston Villa - Mr Motivator

Aston Villa last season looked good for a top four finish for 2/3 of the season......... Then they run out of steam.

Some people blamed that on the fact their squad was too small or that they just were not good enough. Well they were all wrong.

The reason Villa faded was their lack of fitness and GMTV's Derrick Evans/Mr Motivator is just they guy they need to get their juices working and give them the stamina they need to crack the top four...... Well that and someone stopping Ashley Young from "spunking" all his energy.

Birmingham - Ray Mears

Ray MEars can teach you how to survive in -

Jungles

Deserts

Forrests

Mountains

Polar ice caps

Milton Keynes

Outer space

Why not the Premiership?

Blackburn - Jabba's palace

Two things we know about Blackburn Rovers

1. They have poor attendance
2. They have Jabba the Huts cousin in charge

So, to make to most of or that all they need to do is move out of Ewood Park and in to their managers cousins palace.

It's a palace apparently so it will always be full of people who through fear of being fed to sarlacc the pit monster will cheer their hearts out in favor of the home team, plus Fat Sam will be close to Jabba and will hopefully be able to spend some for the space gangster money on other new signings.

Win win all round.

Bolton - Cave Troll

One particular transfer rumor doing the rounds is the fact that Fat San wants to bring Bolton's Kevin Davies to Blackburn.

What will Bolton do without their six goals a season striker I hear you cry?

Replace him with a bigger, badder more handsome version of himself who will ultimately do the same job as Kev just with better success.

Burnley - Whatever Tony Pullis had last season

At the start of last season I don't think many people gave Stoke a chance to stay up and look what happened.

Burnley I think are in the same boat.

I'm still not sure what made Stoke particularly better than the rest of the teams that finished below them but whatever is was it worked.

So that's what they need, whatever Stoke had last season, find out what it was, find out how much it costs and sign it........ Easy right?

Chelsea - Referees

Some of you out there might be wondering what a team that is owned by one of the richest people in the world could possibly need?

Well after witnessing last season Champions league semi final the simple answer is - the support of the refs.

That's cheating I hear you cry! Well only if you get caught right? And besides United have been doing a good job at it for years........

Everton - Doc Brown's time machine

We all saw how well Everton fared without a strike force last season and imagine how much better they could do with a top class striker who would bang them in 30 goals a season?!?!?!

Well the problem is that as we've seen this summer, those kind of players don't come cheap, David Villa for example will set you back more money than the GDP of Zimbabwe.

So what does a team like Everton do who we all know can't afford that kind of moolah?

Simply -

Buy a DeLorean and turn it in to a time machine  

We've all seen Back to the Future and all know that Doc Brown was no millionaire yet he managed to build one, so why not Everton?

Kidnapp great striker from the past

Once the time machine is built, go back in time and take your pick of the best strikers in history and just take them........ Might need to take their families too as leverage.

Fulham - 2008/09 Season

Whilst were on a time traveling theme it would be wise for Fulham to maybe follow suit and try to buy last season all over again.

Not really sure how this would work but that's their problem not mine, I just give the idea's, it's up to them to carry them out.

Hull - Jesus Christ

We all know that the first part of last season for Hull City and their fans was like Heaven............ Then it swiftly became Hell.

So who can get you back to Heaven? None other than the Son of God himself, the bigman JC a.k.a Jesus Christ.

If any man can get you there it's him, only problem being I'm not sure you can buy him as he works wherever the need is greatest and lets face it, Mick McCarthy is back in the Premiership.

Liverpool - Bill Gates

Rafa seems to talk a lot about not having enough money to spend, so to best way I can see to solve that problem is to replace their current owners with the stupidly rich Bill Gates.

Not only will Rafa have as much money as he likes to spend on average fullbacks but he will also have got one over Chelsea as Bill has more money than Roman and at Premier League meetings could belittle him with talk about how poor he is compared to himself.

Manchester City - Common Sense

All the money City's owners have must be compensating for their lack of common sense when it comes to footballing matters.

For all the money they have spent on players since taking over how many of those City players could play in the first teams of most other big teams?

I'd say two - Given and Robinho. Other than that it's really slim pickings.

Prime example of lack of common sense - Buy Santa Cruz for £18m when they already have about five forwards who are as good as him............

Manchester United - Fountain of Youth

We all know Sir Alex is getting older and you get the feeling that once he goes things might not be as good as they are right now.

So basically, invest the money from C-Ron in to finding the fountain of Youth so that Sir Alex can take a sip and keep managing your club till the end of time.

Whilst yor there it might be a good idea to let Giggs and Scholes have some too.

Portsmouth - More of this guy

We've all seen him, we don't know what his name is, we think is looks a bit mad, but none of us would say it to his face.

If Pompey had an army of this guy they could rule the world.

Good thing he was not around during the second world war and was a Nazi otherwise who knows how things might have turned out.

Stoke - Hot Cheerleaders

Stoke did well to survive last term but boy did they play some un-atractive football.

To counter that I'd but the hottest women I could afford and pitch them up around the ground so that at least you'd have something good to look at when your at a Stoke match.

Sunderland - A ball and chain

This one is for Steve Bruce.

I think he is a good manager but boy does he change jods a lot.

He's had more clubs than Tiger Woods and at this rate has more in common with a village hooker than a successful manager.

A good ball and chain should solve all those problems.

Tottenham - Stock Exchange

Speaking of change, Spurs seem to like to buy and sell all the time.

I think they've gone through more players since the turn of the century than live lost in the Vietnam War.

Of their current team I think only Corluka, Woodgate, Palacios, Modric, Keane and Defoe are not for sale.

So why not become the stock exchange just for footballers in stead of money, that way they could buy and sell players and stop pretending to be a football club.

West Ham - Steroids

With all the injuries West Ham seem to get each year I'm not sure why they have not tried this sooner.

It's a win win situation!

Either their players get fitter and stronger and play the whole season or they get busted for steroids and get banned meaning they would not be playing just like if they were injured.

What have you got to loose?

Wigan - New kit design

It's a really big problem when your kit looks like a Tesco bag.

Go with the Sainsburys bag look instead, it's worked for Holland in the past and could work for you too!

Wolves - A new manager

Lets face it, with big Mick in charge they are going down right?

He will probably be fired at some stage this season so why not get it over and done with now in stead of when your 13 points adrift by Christmas.

Just like a Boxer has a weight limit, Mick McCarthy has a league limit and the Championship is his fighting weight.

Take care

Football Guy