FootieFootieFootie

Awkward

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:47:56 -0500

Red Rants has already written about what might happen if a player doesn’t get his move and made some interesting points.

Gareth Barry aside, let’s assume that none of the speculated transfers (Drogba, Lampard, Ronaldo, Adebayor) happen this time around. What then? I suspect a fair bit of animosity towards them is just the beginning.

Little will change for Drogba as this is not the first time for him. For Lampard it will be a different story. How can Chelsea not feel hard done by his desire to leave after supporting him through his mother’s death? It can be argued that any club with compassion would have done the same, and that good deeds should be done without expecting anything in return. Realistically though, as human beings there would have been some expectation of ‘loyalty’. It is not too dissimilar from that infamous case of Inter supporting the original Ronaldo through his 2 year layoff only to have him jump ship at soon as he was fit.

Can these players ever really be embraced by the fans again? A ridiculous analogy would be that of being forced to get back together with a girl that cheated on you. Sure, she could do all sorts of wonderful things, but can you really bring yourself to trust her again?

Most interesting will be the reactions of the fans at the actual games. What will happen when Ronaldo scores? Will there be an awkward divide with half of Old Trafford bursting into "He plays on the left..." while the other half stand around awkwardly, unsure of whether to welcome him back?

Reactions to an Adebayor goal will be just as mixed: he had a love-hate relationship with the fans as it was, and his delusional comments over the last few months have no doubt alienated those who once adored him.

If the imagined scenario becomes reality, expect an increase in badge-kissing celebrations in a desperate attempt at damage control.

Bizarre Spain - Russia Predictions

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 01:01:24 -0500

Pre-match conference: Zhirkov insists his name is no joke and refuses to play until English commentators stop sniggering every time he has possession of the ball.

23rd minute: GOAL (Spain) - Fernando Torres
1-0 to Spain
Fernando Torres makes a mockery of the non-existant Russian defense before slotting home. Guus Hiddinck is heard calling him 'a bully'.

33rd minute: Penalty to Russia, Iker Casillas Red Carded
Iker Casillas comes out for to collect a cross and instead uppercuts Sychev. Aragones refuses to bring on either of his substitute keepers and instead brings on Cesc Fabregas as a goalkeeper

34th minute: GOAL (Russia) - Roman Pavluchenko
1-1 to Russia
Pavluchenko converts penalty with ease, commentators worldwide choke on their own tongue trying to pronounce his name.

43rd minute: GOAL (Russia) - Dmitri Sychev
2-1 to Russia
Bizarrely Aragones demands that Fabregas take a corner kick. Resulting counterattack leads to a simple tap-in from Sychev.

HT: Torres, deciding he no longer wants to be a footballer, leaves to become the new face of Christian Dior.

HT: Aragones' racist nature comes to the surface again: In a bizzare outburst of anger he accidentally calls his entire squad 'a bunch of useless fucking sp*cs' thus destroying any semblance of morale in the dressing room.

55th minute: GOAL (Disallowed)
José Antonio Reyes makes a brief appearance on the pitch to score a a sublime volley and promptly rushes into the stands and out of the stadium into an awaiting helicopter whilst crying, 'I don't like the weather here it's shit I'm going back to Spain'. Aragones seems to have forgotten he didn't call Reyes up in the first place.

67th minute:
To remind the world of the upcoming DVD release of The Cesc Fabregas TV Show, Fabregas sets himself on fire. He is replaced in goal by the wax statue of Casillas from The Museum of Wax in Madrid.

70th minute: GOAL (Spain) - Raúl
2 - 2
Raul sneaks onto the pitch wearing Torres' shirt and scores within seconds before being dragged off after the referee realises he's not even in the 23-man squad. Much to the bewilderment of the Romanian players, the goal is allowed to stand.

77th minute:
Xabi Alonso comes on to replace David Silva. Commentator mentions that "Xabi Alonso is seemingly on the way out of Liverpool... and on the way into Euro 2008". Millions worldwide listening to the commentary weep at the utter stupidity of this comment.

80th minute:
The Zhirkov strike is ended when commentators promise they will only refer to him by his first name, Yuri. He is brought on immediately.

88th minute: GOAL (Russia) - Dmitri Sychev
3 - 2 to Russia
Zhir-sorry, Yuri makes an immediate impact by blizting down the left wing and providing an inch-perfect cross for Sychev's second

Post Match Conference:
Fernando Torres is asked about his career change. He responds with gibberish while international reporters from all over the room try and figure out what language he is speaking. It is only after repeated mentions of what sounded a bit like "Stevie G" did reporters realise he was in fact speaking Scouse.

Predicted Full Time Score:
Russia 3 - 2 Spain
Spain: Fernando Torres, Raúl
Russia: Pavluchenko, Sychev (2)

Actual FT Score:
Spain 4 - 1 Russia

Bizarre Romania - France Predictions

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 10:04:50 -0500

25th minute: 1-0 to France
Thierry Henry scores with a header (of all things) and celebrates by lifting his shirt revealing a t-shirt that says "I love you Nicole". He sulks on the halfway line with his hands on his hips until the 74th minute after teammates remind him that they are no longer married

30th minute: Gheorghe Hagi comes out of his international retirement of almost 6 years to lift a dismal Romanian team. Unfortunately it is apparent that his nickname 'The Maradona of the Carpathians" applies not only to his sublime skill but also his chronic obesity since retirement. Does nothing of note for the rest of the game except wheeze by the sidelines.

67th minute: Ribery announces that he is leaving for a 'bigger challenge' and promptly joins a schoolteam in Japan.

74th minute: Henry leaves and joins the Brazilian National Team, citing their 'beautiful football' as a reason. "I said I would always be a French and I did not lie, because once you are a French you are always a French. You have been good to me over the years, au revoir"

80th minute: 1-1
Romania equalise through a bizarre error as Eric Abidal rounds his own keeper and puts it in the back of the net. William Gallas responds by crying and kicking innocent Romanian fans in the front row all the while screaming 'whyyyyy whyyyyy whyyyyyyyy"

92nd minute: 2-1 to France
A streaker runs onto the pitch, scores a goal for France and celebrates by punching Domenech, demanding an explanation as to why he was not in the 23-man squad. As security drags him away it is revealed that the streaker is none other than Gael Clichy.

Predicted Fulltime Score: 2-1
France: Henry, Clichy
Romania: Abidal OG

Actual Fulltime score: 0-0 (boo)