Pre-match conference: Zhirkov insists his name is no joke and refuses to play until English commentators stop sniggering every time he has possession of the ball.

23rd minute: GOAL (Spain) - Fernando Torres
1-0 to Spain
Fernando Torres makes a mockery of the non-existant Russian defense before slotting home. Guus Hiddinck is heard calling him 'a bully'.

33rd minute: Penalty to Russia, Iker Casillas Red Carded
Iker Casillas comes out for to collect a cross and instead uppercuts Sychev. Aragones refuses to bring on either of his substitute keepers and instead brings on Cesc Fabregas as a goalkeeper

34th minute: GOAL (Russia) - Roman Pavluchenko
1-1 to Russia
Pavluchenko converts penalty with ease, commentators worldwide choke on their own tongue trying to pronounce his name.

43rd minute: GOAL (Russia) - Dmitri Sychev
2-1 to Russia
Bizarrely Aragones demands that Fabregas take a corner kick. Resulting counterattack leads to a simple tap-in from Sychev.

HT: Torres, deciding he no longer wants to be a footballer, leaves to become the new face of Christian Dior.

HT: Aragones' racist nature comes to the surface again: In a bizzare outburst of anger he accidentally calls his entire squad 'a bunch of useless fucking sp*cs' thus destroying any semblance of morale in the dressing room.

55th minute: GOAL (Disallowed)
José Antonio Reyes makes a brief appearance on the pitch to score a a sublime volley and promptly rushes into the stands and out of the stadium into an awaiting helicopter whilst crying, 'I don't like the weather here it's shit I'm going back to Spain'. Aragones seems to have forgotten he didn't call Reyes up in the first place.

67th minute:
To remind the world of the upcoming DVD release of The Cesc Fabregas TV Show, Fabregas sets himself on fire. He is replaced in goal by the wax statue of Casillas from The Museum of Wax in Madrid.

70th minute: GOAL (Spain) - Raúl
2 - 2
Raul sneaks onto the pitch wearing Torres' shirt and scores within seconds before being dragged off after the referee realises he's not even in the 23-man squad. Much to the bewilderment of the Romanian players, the goal is allowed to stand.

77th minute:
Xabi Alonso comes on to replace David Silva. Commentator mentions that "Xabi Alonso is seemingly on the way out of Liverpool... and on the way into Euro 2008". Millions worldwide listening to the commentary weep at the utter stupidity of this comment.

80th minute:
The Zhirkov strike is ended when commentators promise they will only refer to him by his first name, Yuri. He is brought on immediately.

88th minute: GOAL (Russia) - Dmitri Sychev
3 - 2 to Russia
Zhir-sorry, Yuri makes an immediate impact by blizting down the left wing and providing an inch-perfect cross for Sychev's second

Post Match Conference:
Fernando Torres is asked about his career change. He responds with gibberish while international reporters from all over the room try and figure out what language he is speaking. It is only after repeated mentions of what sounded a bit like "Stevie G" did reporters realise he was in fact speaking Scouse.

Predicted Full Time Score:
Russia 3 - 2 Spain
Spain: Fernando Torres, Raúl
Russia: Pavluchenko, Sychev (2)

Actual FT Score:
Spain 4 - 1 Russia