Stone me. The face of modern football journalism is a mess of shaving cuts and this morning's breakfast. I was a late riser (that's what she said) and so have only just had an opportunity to peruse tomorrow's chip wrappers.

Well a dead fish isn't a fussy one I guess. The Torygraph have gone out on a limb and are suggesting we won't be fielding Crazy Pavinchenko against Yanited this evening. John Ley ought to know better. Maybe he's just trying to put his kids through school, in which case I'll leave him be. 

One good port of call on all things Red Devil related is the Republik Of Mancunia site and their pre match prattle is good and is HERE .

Team for tonight? It's going to be announced in minutes. 

Come On You Spurs and BIOYC!

  Good evening viewers.

Today has been a strange one. The FAI driven by a singular desire for their officials and their official's wives and girlfriends to take part in the beano of all beanos country to get justice - have filed some quasi appeal/favour/arm chancing thing with Septic Bladder, head of FIFA. The deal as I understand it would require Costa Rica being also admitted in order to allow the Irish re admission to make mathematical sense. 

My take is that the game should've been replayed. The Republic woz 100% robbed. That's not up for debate. Henry admitted his cheat, so case closed. But to automatically include them in the competition as a result makes no sense as flagrant cheat  to one side, they would have still have had to beat France on penalties. 

The bottom line is that Bladder needs to purchase a spine. Technology being introduced to football is an inevitability. Yes, that's right friends. This train has been a rollin' for a good while now and she's only gathering speed.

But FIFA have announced their intentions to now trial a scheme whereby they have an official behind each goal. What in the name of Kiki Dee is wrong with these people? Do we have still have men with red flags in front of cars? No we do not.

Well, apart from Ford Kia's. Gordon Brown will have a legacy after all.

Elsewhere,  our seventh or twenty seventh choice striker Crazy Pavin'chenko is apparently in deep, deep and very earnest will be off any day now talks with Roma. Or at least that's what is agent has been stopping random people in the street and telling 'em.

The burden of expectation on Tottenham players from Tottenham fans is now reaching fever pitch. Modders, is said to be two weeks away from playing again. It may take him more than a fortnight to become the player some have him down to be. He's been sorely, sorely missed, but boy are some of you people hailing this like the return of Christ. 

And poor old Kranjcar is receiving similar overboard adulation. Yes, he's an great addition, yes, he's well on his way to fulfilling his Premiership potential, but there's even loose talk of him operating as a striker. I'm serious. 

Spurs fans need to calm down and regain the run of themselves. I'm serious. We have a guy with talent and a shot on him and all of a sudden he's a forward? Mind you, we do that at this Club, don't we? Only injury has saved King from being formally touted as a CM. And hands up which of you prematurely ejaculating fight fans were nominating Corluka for the same after he strung three good performances together?

I know you're out there. Stone me, you're the X Factorphiles.

BIOYC!

Busy busy busy. Barcelona are eyeing Jermain Defoe, but he wouldn't have noticed as he's too busy texting the inane, the inflated, Katie Price. Let's just stop for a moment and ponder upon the quality of 'conversation' that must be taking place between those two - and our diminuative master swordsman.

'babes'

'c%l'

'lol!!!'

'oxoxox'

'fcuk off innit ;)'

'<3 it gf'

'lmao m8!!'

'm8!!!!'

'sxc bf!'

'ht4u :)'

'xoxox'

'rup4it?'

'm8!!!'

'cu8tr'

'xoxo!!'

This is a love that will be forever. They'll Easy Jet off into a setting sun for some serious happy ever aftering. And not yet another grubby bunk up. No, not at all.

I'd have the text fuction removed from all mobile phones. Communicate properly or leave the language alone. Who was it that rubber stamped the destruction of English anyway? I'd blow up Bebo, mutilate MySpace, trash Twitter and f*** Facebook. 

Back in what might on a foggy day, be mistaken for the real world the superior snout, Archibald on Spurs Odyssey says we have a deal in place with The Huns for their goalie come January. What joy. 

Manchester United away in the Carling then. Dreadful place to play and a dreadful beer. I'll dig out something daft as a prize to the person who can guess how many minutes of added time there will be awarded in the space time continuum that is Old Trafford. 

I really hope we do them. Had it not been for the Besiktas fiasco, I'd I've put money on that old functional alcoholic fielding a young team. But I don't think he''l make the same mistake twice. He's been in the press tipping us for greatness this week simply to pave the way for announcement of a pretty much full strength side.

Chelsea are looking increasing unstoppable even at this relatively early stage and as a result I cannot see Sir Sipalot taking any competition casually. 

When this fixture was announced it was hardly cheered. But after our last two performances and holding on to third - we might, just might, be in with a shout.

Morning has broken. But then I think we always knew the bastard would crack eventually.
 
I trust you're all in fine form and ready for what they call in the maternity wards the final big push. It's not the end, nor with any luck the beginning of the end, rather the end of the beginning and that start of us being viewed as a credible top team. Opposed to a top team substitute, or lookey likey. 

The pitting of us and the Villains today will be a game of particular note, you see. What with them being fifth to our fourth and us both being eyed as the two of the most likely to inherit the Bindipper's mantle of the Premiership's nearly men.

Let's have a spin around this weekend's fixtures then and see what we can see. 

Being the international jet setters what we now is, the crunch games for us are all involving the big guns. And never more so than this week the results of others could stand to do us much good.

There seem a certain inevitability to Manchester City beating Hull. Weighing it up, Citeh are a third rate Harlem Globetrotter operation and Hull are managed by an orange. But then Awesome Dawson's brother plays for Hull. But he looks a bit mongy. No it's a toughie alright, I'll plump for a draw then.

Pompey with their new old Director of football and now manager subject to Home Office clearing have the dubious honour of hosting Manchester United. Sir Alex rambled endlessly in a press conference yesterday about teams wanting to 'respond' to a new manager and the old fox took the opportunity to be kind to Grant with whom he has a cordial relationship. 

The reality is after the fiasco of the Besiktas loss on Thursday night even with six minutes of added play, United will be unleashing a new kind of hell on Portsmouth and I wouldn't be shocked if it turns into basketball score down there. Or indeed a basketball game.

Sunday welcomes the Merseyside Derby of course and we will be hoping that the beleaguered Toffees can pull something out the bag and add to to Rafa's woes. A draw would be handy.

Next up for shaving are Ar5ena1 and Chelsea so a low scoring draw would be the preferable outcome there.  

Our team will be interesting. All eyes will be on two men and for all the wrong reasons. I'm talking Keane and Jenas. They have no automatic right to play in my book and I'd be happy to re-release  the Wigankillers on a limited edition 12" picture disc with perhaps a bonus track.

BIOYC!

 
If you're being plagued with a strange grating noise this morning it may just be the sound of barrel scraping on the official site. So close that window and that ought to fix it.

I do understand that a young fan's first trip to The Lane is a momentous occasion, but do we really need every naffing minute of our lives QVC'd for us? For only £29.99 Levy & Co (t/a Peckham Partners PLC) proudly present this once in a lifetime opportunity to part with thirty notes for this unlimited run of recycled Primary School Swimming Certificates. How do they do it and make a profit? At least we don't look small time cash in merchants. That's the main thing.

Back from the world of dreams we've a game tomorrow. 

It seems that the world his wife and his gay lover have the Tottenham bubble as just about ready to burst. A Villa win.

I don't see it. Like Mandy Rice Davies before me 'Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?' But I don't see it as a home win.

Villa's home form is impressive, only beaten by Wigan and a draw to City. They have beaten Fulham, Pompey, Cheatski and Bolton. But we've scored a lot of goals (for those of you joining us late) this season. Admittedly more at home, but cumulatively a good few more than Aston Villa have. 

We should outgun them. But this will depend - surprise surprise- on supply and Arry has to get our lot moving the ball about like we did against Wigan. That means Huddlestone breaking into a sweat again and Kranjcar getting stuck in.

3-2 to the Tottenham or 28/1 as it's known in some quarters.

BIOYC!

A brief look at the highly esteemed organs that are the Daily Fail and The Current Bun actually yield some interesting stuff this morning. The Sun are revealing that we've bought a Hun. Unfortunately they don't mean Elize Du Toit.

It's some Algerian gentleman called Madjid Bougherra. He was previously enjoyed at Charlton Athletic Football Club. So maybe he's simply using the return portion of his Inter City Saver. Who knows?

The Creme de Menthe story of the morning has to be the piece on our much cherished friend, your England Captain and mine, Mr John Terry. I nearly tiring of saying you couldn't make it up in relation to this twit, but I can't.

Riviera Entertainment, the jewel in Enfiled's Corporate Stooge Hire crown is apparently proud to present the services of ... you guessed it. The flyer that inadvertently landed on the Fail's sportsdesk is in it's full colour lustrous glory above. 

My spelling is bad but even I would have broken with tradition and got an adult to proof something like this. 

I presume limitations of space are always a factor when cobbling together a spiel like this so there were inevitable sacrifices. So no mention of John's party piece of pissing into a pint pot, guaranteed punctuality as he'll happily park in a disabled spot or the charity auction of shoplifted goods various courtesy of his awful wife and dreadful mother in law. And I can only presume it is due to some over fussy legal issue or another that there is no mention of John's father Ted and his ability to really get your party started by laying on the sniff.

John Terry.

I salute you. 

Kyle Naughton's done a runner. It's not known where exactly, but I was flooded with two emails this afternoon advising that there had been some no show fiasco at the Chelmsford Megastore Shop Emporium jobby.

All was not lost however as it is said that Pete Crouch got down with the kids and was said by one happy correspondent to be 'very personable'. I don't know what warms my heart more. The fact that he was or the fact that I have have a readership that includes people who still use nice language like that.

Barnet have signed Calum Butcher on an eighteenth month loan.

The Daily Mail has either heard what the rest of us ain't or completely and utterly run out ideas. They're saying Everton are in for Begbie.

Alan Hansen - you know the one; he's the ex Liverpool defender with two rogue Chaplin moustaches where his eyebrows used to be. Anyway, him. He has got in on the whole 'Lawro predicts' gig and is now proffering his own predictions via The New Pools site. The scathing sweatie has the Villa away game down as a home win. 

Speaking of rogues, the threat of free luxury end scarf from Savile Rogue would appear to have well and truly captured the imagination of the HH masses. Winners of goods various will be announced on a weekly basis. So do email or message me and you shall be hat bound. There's a few goodies floating about and I keep nothing (just ask the bewildered Mde de H) so you will get what ever comes my way.

BIOYC!

 'I remember buying this seven inch single in '82 and playing it on my Binatone record player suitcase. And I definitely went to Bill Nick's Testimonial in '83 but the rest is all rather hazy ...I'm afraid.' - HH

“Manchester United and Chelsea are not going to be shifted from there, certainly not in the short term. You’ve got to fancy Arsenal a bit as they’ve turned a few heads, are playing well and looking good. But I really don’t think we are far away from them.

“Behind them you’ve got Liverpool and a group of three or four others, and we’re right at the head of it. We’ll be there, pushing all the way. Individual errors are still our biggest fault. At Arsenal, the second goal we conceded was farcical.

I like this. Farcical is a good word and doesn't single out any one player. Group responsibility in public, barking at individuals in private.

“It’s difficult to lift players from something like that because you can’t just go in at half-time screaming and shouting.

Royston Keane are you listening, old girl?

“But Tottenham do have a tendency, sometimes, to switch off like that, and that’s something that we need to improve on. It’s still the case that we lack one or two players who can take situations by the scruff of the neck when it’s not going right. Players who, when something goes against you, will stand there and say, ‘OK, let’s get to half-time and regroup’

Which takes us into Jenas and Keane territory. King, for the umpteenth time is out of the equation as a captain for me. I'm bored of saying it, but the fact remains you cannot captain from the stands. It just doesn't work like that. 

Tottenham as we know do switch off. Those of you fortunate enough to have watched the Wigan game on Sunday will acknowledge that's precisely what we did after about twenty five minutes. Thankfully Wigan had nothing enterprising to counter with, but they are in the minority and on another day that would've let a better team back in.

Our oomph as I see it comes from guys like the Sarge and actually guys like Kranjcar. It's as if they haven't fully grasped the importance of upgrading iPod headphones, getting a new daft tattoo or break dancing in their own wee outside a nightclub. They've come to play football. No 'pushing for top four, now' quotes. Just getting on with it. Grrrrr.

We'll obviously look at Villa in more detail over the next few days, but I feel confident that we can overcome the likes of Downing and Heskey. 

BIOYC! 

Those End of Season Party Details In Full... courtesy of HH's Mr. Joey Deacon:

 Well done to Rafa and the boys for ending our season in record time! As the Manager said, this proves that we are a WORLD CLASS team, with the BEST fans in the world!

2009/10 Season review – What a Season!

Our astounding league form saw us playing at the very top of our game, and there have been some brilliant results along the way – who can forget that glorious home win against Manchester United?!

Rafa's brilliant tactical mind ensured that we were a force in the Champions League, in a tough group alonsgide the third best team in France, the fourth best team in Italy, and the mighty European giants Debrecen!

To celebrate our record-breaking season, we’re having an END OF SEASON PARTY, and we want every fan to join us in celebrating the end of this EXTRAORDINARY season! Buy your VIP wrist-band NOW to get entry to the hottest party in town! It must be seen by all true Liverpool fans!

And a very good evening fight fans.

There's an air of expectation. That's how I'd describe it. I'm not entirely sure what it is we're expecting but there's a mild sense that something's on it's way. There's a snap in the air, the sky darkening seemingly halfway through the afternoon and bristle in the Pound shops. 

Liverpool are out of the Champions League and the word 'imploding' is being used by people who arguably couldn't spell it. Souness underlined their real fear. Forget the playground bragging rights. The financial implications of losing that competition from your club's portfolio are too horrific to think about. 

Rafa, of course has no choice but to say the top four finish will be accomplished and natural order restored. When all's said and done, Boris Johnson probably called it right when he accused the good folk of Bindippershire of being hooked on grief and having a victim mentality. So they'll be embracing their perilous path to safety.  

But, but, but...this is a bleedin' Tottenham blog! Yes, yes, well done. I'm aware of that. It's mine. 

So what better way for you to show the extraordinarily cultured way you support the Lilywhites than sporting the club's colours (minus the pissy yellow, of course) in the luxury of pure cashmere?

Eh? Oh yes. the boy Hotspur's beening on the blag again my dears and to get your sweaty mitts on one of these Savile Rogue sartorial sensations all you have to do is answer the following...

Savile Rogue are acknowledged as the purveyors of sensational soccer scarves. But top quality need not break the bank. What do these babies normally sell for? Their site is HERE . Email your answer to harryhotspur@oleole.com. You know you want to...