Greetings, music lovers. This is one of those Saturdays that rather sadly kicks in with a bit of a 'so what?' kind of groove about it, if you're with me. No proper coverage* on the conventional George Melly and hardly a wealth of activity elsewhere to even vaguely compensate. 
 
Brian Glanville was the football writer what I read as a nipper. And I only mention this as it was he that I first heard coin the phrase, 'The Immutable Law Of The Ex'.

Strings of Lennie Cohen for a Saturday morning suddenly. Lover, lover, lover, lover, lover come back to me...

A Facebook profile of one's old amour that unveils a Bertie Basset like assortment of flings, three week wonders and former 'Friends With Benefits' can be to the uninitiated in such matters, ghoulish fare. 

Me? I get no thrill from seeing Teemu in a Sunderland shirt. Nor Steed. That fails to spice up my fan life either. Barren Dent will actually add some light relief. Ironic really, given that it is he that is most likely to have a penetrative relationship with our net and prove once and for all that it really is all over.

Place yer bets.

I have never cared for First time goalscorer prices. The stuff of the turf accountant's window. But Defoe at 4/1 looks good for a guy who will be, I guarantee going mental to score. And I don't think Arry has the self control to keep him on the bench.

My prediction of a 4-1 win is piddle poor value at 25/1. Swerve that. Bentley to score in a home win is a Dave Fan Tastic 11/2.

BIOYC! 

*PLEASE READ

 HH gets heavy. No links to illegal streams. PM each other. Choose not to and your account gets deleted. Not fecking about, ladies, so spare us all the whining that will follow. THFC are on the prosecution trail. Thank you so much.

Been on the trumpet all morning with a two publishing houses. As a result I come to you armed with news which is in part, both good and bad.

The bad as I perceive it; we about to be awash with fifth rate rubbish relating to the impending Cup Mondial.

The good is that they are crying out for the HH story. It's all the naffing rage it seems. Blogger comes good n'al. You see, there is what you might term 'prior' in this field of particular expertise. People reporting on wars, their sex lives and even working as ambulance medics. Blimey, I can deliver all the passion, vitriol and teasingly cheap nonsense of all of those merely outlining an average caption competition.

Anyhoo. What of tomorrow? My suggestion is that Soondoorland ain't Ar5ena1 and we will be gifted time and space. In spades. I presume one can still use such a phrase on the BBC? Well, either way, we have to implement a team sheet that is in accordance with the opposition.

Gomes, Charlie, Sir Les, Wooden Gate, BAE, Bentley, Huddlestone, Jenas, Wee Jimmy, PSB, Crazy Paving.

I predict a 4-1 win. Oh yes. Prices in the am.

BIOYC!

Reports just in allow me to exclusively reveal that Arry 'Da Boy' Redschnapps has been given the all clear by senior Melanoma consultants himself today confirmed that the Tottenham Supremo will do whatever it takes to save his own skin.

Whilst other managers stand alone in the glare of the media spotlight defending their rotation policies or mourning their lack of fiscal clout in the transfer windows, our Arry shows true resourcefulness by opting for the use of the most obscure human shields.

Arry, the twice British Olympic gold Twitch medalist, spoke in frenzy of facial flickering to The Evening Standard. 'I would not allow what Ramos had after the Carling Cup win, no chance. We got beat but the players knew they were staying the night at the hotel, not going out. Everybody was in bed by 11pm, win or lose.'

This despite the notable surge of drink related kerfuffles involving Tottenham players since Arry took over.

'There has been a massive failure in this country to educate football players at an early age. When they come to a club at 11 they should be taught what to eat.'

This despite Arry presenting the first squad with a catering sized bottle of ketchup when he first arrived.

'Society has broken down. We used to leave our front door open when I grew up. Dad would take me to Highbury on the bus and share his flask of tea with opposition supporters. There was no segregation.'

Reggie Kray was unavailable for comment.

What I'm seeing here is a trend of Arry making sure he's well out of the firing line when trouble comes a calling. He doesn't like confrontation, this we know. But if he doesn't raise his game tactically and stop producing Pompey style performances he will run out of people to blame - sooner than he thinks.

I don't think many people would confuse me for Lord Sebastian Coe. I operate out of a physique closer resembling Tommy Cooper's and after three light ales and very little encouragement I sound a lot like him too.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Back The Bid!

*He must be serious folks - he's broken rank with his own deeply muddled code of ethics and used an exclamation mark*

Tottingham Hotspur's application to Haringey Council is available to view HERE and the outlightened elements I have fascinatingly listed below, what include:

• Demolition and comprehensive redevelopment of a stadium (Class D2)
  
• hotel (Class C1)
  
• retail (Class A1 and or A2 or A3 and or A4 and or A5)
  
• museum (Class D1), offices (Class B1) and housing (Class C3)
  
• together with associated facilities including the construction of new and altered roads, footways, public and private open spaces, landscaping and related works

As with all this type of thing, their exists the opportunity to submit your comments on proceedings and so you can do so HERE.

So this is a good if not golden opportunity for you to chuck your two cents worth into the proceedings and when your grandchildren ask you what you did in the struggle to get us a bigger stadium you can proudly say that one night whilst half pissed you fired off something to a Haringey comments box littered with spelling mistakes, words omitted, but ending with the letters COYS you slept comfortably that night on as you knew they'd know what you meant.

For my part, I've opted for a route one approach and placed one of these in the bathroom of each of the decision makers with my sincerest wishes...

 Time is not only a healer but a fantastic opportunity for brooding, sniping and organising a good old fashioned witch hunt. You'll find the stakes are liberally doused in petrol and matches ...are available from Reception.

Modders is still out. My bet is that he's physically sound, just apprehensive about joining in at the moment.

Jermaine Jenas is fit as is Furious Bob (© Nunchucks) but it is rumoured they have both been admitted to The Max Clifford Wing of St Thomas' Hospital to get Brain Re-treds after their recent stupid comment-athons in the press.

Ledley King is unavailable. After a brief visit to the same place Keith Richards gets his blood washed, he will be hung upside down in a ermine lined oxygen capsule until further notice.

Bassong is out with a gout inflammation his GP has only been able to describe as 'eye watering'.

Peter Crouch has  caved in and joined in with the whole Tottenham boys Tattoo thing and has had 'My feet are six feet this way' and a downwards pointing arrow on his forehead in a comic sans.

On an upbeat note, our next game will herald the return of the boy Defoe. Never in the field of human twitching will one manager be so entirely be pinning his hopes on the fruits of one player.

So plenty to play with there. Which is  exactly what the orange manager apparently said when he first met the Directors daughter. Allegedly. 

So in the wake of last week's game, what shuffling of deckchairs on the Titanic alterations would you make?

BIOYC!

By your beds. This for your viewing pleasure then.

There was, I am assured, nearly five thousand copies of The Two Halves paper handed out at Der Norf Landin Darby on Saturday morning.

I am also assured it was positively recieved. I had issue with the good and wise folk behind it as they managed to avoid courting any publicity whatsoever before kick off and now thanks to the miracle of releasing the pdf's to the authors 48 hrs after the event managed to create a vanity publishing souvineer to a game no one in their right fucking mind wants to remember.

So it's a literary Witness Protection Program, but is it any good?  It's a slick looking bit of kit alright and about 478 times more interesting than a matchday program so if they can flog some ad space next time to fund a sensible amount of copies and remember to market it they could be in business.

Here's my contribution which as you will see rocked the very kasbah. The whole of the moon is HERE

Please Remember To Wipe Your Feet Before Leaving The Stadium Today

A public service announcement from Harry Hotspur.

Good morning and welcome to the Emptycrates Stadium. Aside from the blazing Tottenham shirts on the pitch the only other distraction from its synthetic cheap feel will be the breathtaking array of generally awful Arsenal fans that fill this tin-pot temple to the brim for each and every game, week in and week out.

Arse fans are a nomadic and unintentionally comical breed. Their belief in their cause, despite being silverwareless for a generation, remains emphatic and resolute. Many of their current number can name most of the Arsenal first team largely unassisted. Those that can’t simply revert to the proud war cry of, “Yeah, but you’re sh*t mate”.

Armed with two songs (that durgey one and the other one), they sit shoulder-to-paranoid-shoulder, ready to embrace whatever scheming, unsporting and generally uncomfortable viewing the Reverend Wenger will pull from beneath his rather soiled cassock or the grey demob suit he prefers on match days. Yes, the Arse faithful truly are a sight to behold.

Some can actually still remember that first flush of exuberance, the little frisson and possible sense of belonging when the fickle finger of fate landed two corporate tickets in their in-tray with a Post-it note bearing the legend, ‘Please Use - HR’ only two seasons ago.

And of all their qualities, it is their steadfastness that I admire the most. Never has a modern day fan had to face such a battle on a daily basis. Gooners are a breed apart. Not the best, not even the second best, but still they endeavour. If Wilkinsons sold people, they’d sell Gooners.

Their battle is one against their illustrious past. Not the Cups and trophies and all the positive stuff, no - we’ll gloss over that. No, the average Arse fan lives beneath a different cloud: his club’s shoddy history is littered with far more notably infamous activities off the pitch than on it.

There were the allegations of dodgy dealings that saw Gillespie Road tube renamed Arsenal. Arsenal Legend Peter Storey ran a brothel when he wasn’t flogging fake gold or smuggling porn; Kenny Sansom had a square head; Tony Adams was the drink driver’s driver; Paul Merson lost his teeth in a bet; Arsenal Legend Graham Rix was jailed for having sex with a child;

Ray Parlour’s player tickets were discovered to have been sold to the public by touts; Osama Bin Laden was revealed to be a Gooner. All that without mentioning countless other allegations of rape, drug taking and alcohol-fuelled Arseness.

So as the players take to the pitch today, stand and applaud, but not just for those Gladiators in their Lilywhites, but spare a cheer or two for those poor saps in the Home stands (which should be paid for by 2099) and the task that is before them as supporters.

The muck that went before them has cast a long and often sickly shadow; one they must struggle every week to stand apart from and make their own mark; be tall, be proud, look the world in the eye and failing that say, "Yeah, but you’re sh*t mate".

 Testing testing

Testing times will be the response of the more measured amongst you. Testing is about right; but I'd suggest we start testing the management and players at THFC for a thing which I understand scientists call, 'The brains that God gave them'.

So many gripes and complaints from me.

Too many. 

The pre-match prattle. Hands up who's really getting bored with the same tired, inept and empty rhetoric from the players? I really do wonder what goes through the vegetative minds of the people that sanction these inane, time bomb quotes to the press.

I trawl the Net to frequently no good purpose and I don't really see other clubs coming out with this crap. I really don't. But hey, THFC actually believe that their target audience are Hotspur Magazine readers and this in itself should set off an alarm bell to permanently deafen anyone with half a brain. Speaking of which...

Who is charge of the PR at Tottenham and has the stroke ward they escaped from noticed that their bed is empty yet?

Ever heard the phrase, 'You don't buy a hat from a shirt maker?' Well I don't pay what I pay into the abyss of these semi literates pockets in order to hear their views on anything. Anything at all. Just play football to best of your ability and when you're not doing that, train harder and work on playing smarter. I'm completely disinterested in anything else you might wish to anoint my weary ears with.

What we have in quantity no one wants. We lack commitment, but we like a drink. We can't pass, but we've got a seemingly ceaseless supply of shit tattoos. We like Tactics, especially the orangey ones.

Pushing for top four innit. These work shy ponces can barely push their way to the bar in Faces.

I actually said to Her Indoors after the second goal went in that I love this Club so much I want to buy it and disband it.

What a dreadful performance. Fans of specific players will protest but frankly chancers like Jenas now want selling. Sellotape Huddlestone to him and we'll offer a buy one get deal. The sorry reality is that whilst I joke/vent - no one 'they would want to play for' would place a bid for either.

The very second Gerrard tapped up PSB at his wedding the douche was off like a scalded cat.And he was revealed as not being the required standard.

Yep, I grasped the fact we were without a number of key players. But was that Arry's team talk then? 'Hey up fellas, just to remind you orl that the better lads can't make it today, so you lot of Herberts just ponce about for 90 minutes and I'll sort the Sky interview out afterwards.'

I'm tempted to wade through the specifics. Sorely tempted. In summary, nobody really had a plan. I felt sorry only for Crouch, Gomes and anyone who paid to watch the other nine.

We have no Captain and no midfield. That poor bastard Wilson is like a man staffing a hotel on his own. He parks your car, takes your luggage, turns back your bed, airs the room, sprints downstairs to check you in and then bolts into the kitchen to start cooking the meal your order off him. 

Mockingly I would suggest he gets triple pay, but the upshot is he ends up doing nothing very well. When he was at Wigan he barely strayed from the center circle and he bossed it. At Spurs he's asked to do bloody everything and consequently achieves little well.

Redschnapps wants a word. Great manager. No two ways about it. But when faced with the pedestrian and damaged goods that are our current squad he needs to urgently up his game. Why? because we look like sodding Portsmouth otherwise.

I'm a stuck record but we desperately require a Teemu Tainio and or a Steed Malbranque in the middle of the park.I'm not lumping all the blame on Jenas and Huddlestone, but without some grit around them, when under real enemy fire as they were today they simply look like a pair of ever so slightly put out fairies.

North London Derby? Do me a favour. Darby & Joan Club, more like. Did anyone watch Fulham today? Admittedly the Bindippers seem determined to implode, but Fulham actually looked like they'd turned up and wanted to play a game of football. 

And just as a final swipe, did anyone get a copy of that 'Two Halves' paper thing? Of course, I have yet to be deemed worthy of a butchers.

The spastic that put that together really must think I'm ten years old. They don't have a pdf and I was told to 'sit tight'. 'Sit ****ing tight'. Really? Then how did you get the thing printed? Took your ideas round to the printer's on the back of a fag packet? Next time you solicit free of charge contributions try engaging your brain when dealing with the hand that feeds.

Either that or apply for a job with Tottenham's coaching staff. 

 Lifelong Arse Enthusiast- Seconds Before Enjoying Sushi Up The Wrong'un

 -

T'was the night before The Derby and all through the house, not a thing stirred bar the click of my mouse. 

Well, that and the occasional kissh phurt from the ring pull of a nicely chilled imported pop courtesy of an introductory offer from my old mucker John Sainsbury.

Early games are different fare. The first forty five can take some time to get going and the flashpoints tend to be either side of the interval. A combination of players waking up and then having their respective leaders screaming, 'Are you lot of ****ing ****'s still half a ****ing asleep?' at them for ten minutes.

The deal is that Tottenham very much have it all to do. That piece of blindingly obvious insight to one side, this equally is a very much winnable game.

There's some interesting prices out there. David Bentley to score first (from any distance) is14/1. A blood curdling Half time Arse/Full time us is 40/1 and better. Huddlestone has been looking goalward of late an if you tip Tommy to get the last goal of the gam it's a handy enough 22/1. And to quote old Stanley from The US Office, 'Are you out of your tiny mind? Because I can sure help you find it' - Spurs to win 0-3 is 100/1.

Right, say your prayers and set your alarms.

BIOYC!

This job will take cool heads and a level of strategic planning not seen since the construction of the Pyramids.

I'm cautiously optimistic yet dogged with the usual insecurities one might reasonably associate with undertaking of what is on the face of it a friendishly difficult mission.

Richard Burton was good in Where Eagles Dare. Men dropping like flies, enemies in the camp. Up to his army issue knickers in it. What would he have done? No, brandishing a Luger around would probably not be that constructive. Enjoyable, but not the right answer.

The obvious issue will be the absentees. The list of those who won't get a chance to make a difference makes for unpleasant reading. Modric, Defoe, Woodgate and Lennon. And by contrast, the burden of expectation suddenly rests on players who up untill half an hour ago had the confidence of neither the manager or the fans. 

Bentley will play. Who in their right mind would be him? There is a strata of our supporters out there I am actually so angry with I can barely calm down enough to despise them. If you listen very, very closely, you can about just hear them. Can you hear them? It's that muted, empty metallic, rasping sound. Not dissimilar to very small petulant blades being sharpened.

So Bentley will start. If he wins the game for us he'll swerve execution. If he fails to deliver, he will, Hannibal Lecter style, be made into dozens of sumptuous courses and served up across all of Tottenham's forums and message boards. Funny how some people's disappointment in the success of their emotional investment can manifest itself in the savage kicking of a virtual innocent.

At the risk of pointing out the bleedin' obvious, beating these bums will require us to dominate possession an harry them when they do have the naffing thing. Disrupt their tedious build up play an you stand a chance of dismantling their game. Give them the space they crave for their endless little triangular passing and you stand to watch them score and score some more.

***

There will be a free paper called A Game Of Two Halves being distributed outside the Emptycrates Stadium. In the interests of making it worth reading I've contributed a piece of bile for your reading delight.

So where to start? Last things first and PSB's penalty was a mildly amusing. If you're Everton. I guess. I have, for some time now been nominating him for the much sought after title, 'King Of The Underhit' and last night the little scamp stepped right up and claimed it as his own.

I won't harp on, facing facts and all, it did go in and there's no glory in reveling in that which did not happen. But, if you're gonna be the kid in class who nearly bursts a blood vessel with your hand in the air urging, 'Me, me, me, me..' then have something worth showing the rest of the class if you get picked, for Chrissakes. 

Huddlestone's goal looked great and his name was bandied about in a favourable manner a fair bit.

Bentley's got some front. I just hope Arry sees last night's performance for the self promoting publicity stunt it so obviously was. I'm only suprised he didn't just go the whole hog and selfishly score himself. Redschnaps himself said he was 'outstanding'. I feel the same way too, Arry. The sooner the little nurk is out this great Club the better.

Bale got stuck in which was pleasing. Less so is the word that wheels are in motion for his departure come January. To where I know not but don't rule out Birmingham or someone similar who would start him every week.