Blimey. Some of the rubbish I have had to listen to since the final whistle blew yesterday afternoon. You would never know that we had in the main, put out a very credible performance against a Champion's League side that currently sit fifth in the Premiership with very nearly twice as many points as us.

There are some of you out there who say you support this side, but don't outwardly exhibit any qualities I would associate with support. Now, if you told me you were a season ticket holder at Nitpickers United - I'd buy that.

I'm not advocating a Happy Clappers Club, just lose the clever dick/ know it all routine. Opinion is great. But I don't know of an other club where every ball is analysed, every pass scored out of ten. Frankly, your forensic sniping depresses me more than any shortfalls I might witness on the grass. 

Oh yeah, just in case I've got any readers left, the Adebayor song. The fact that some of you make my stadium echo with it makes me want to self harm. A finer example of cowardly racism I cannot recall.

Cudicini 7 Assured.

Corluka 6.5 Off colour.

Dawson 7.5 Awesome again.

Woodgate 7.5 Imposing.

Chimbonda 5 Like Baldric counting beans. Added nothing.

Assou Ekotto 7 Good, but not at his best.

Lennon 6.5 Like a postman on a Sunday. No delivery.

Palacios 9 Won the ball and really wore the shirt. MOTM.

Jenas 6.5 Usual fare, some good work, some bad. The good just outweighed the bad. Just.

Taarabt 6.5 I like desire and so score it highly. He needs to start a game soon.

Modric 7 A pleasure. Perhaps needs to get in the gym and muscle up a tad?

Keane 6.5 Went beserk in the first half, went missing in the second. Is he fit?

Pavlyunchenko 6.75 Out of sorts.

Bent 5 Made Pav look like a threat.

HH is indeedy the the gift that keeps on giving.

Like h*rpes? Please, that's a cheap jibe.

You know the drill by now. Snappy. Ridiculous. Brash. Borderline funny. This, I believe, may well prove to provide you 'orrible lot with more ammo than the pic of Dame Commoli with her thumb in the air. I said air, not heir. Ooh missus.

HH: We're adding a little something to this month's caption contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? 

HH: Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

Well, you can imagine, can't you?

Some of us might not be winning any beauty contests anytime soon, but who would be happy if they looked like him. It's not the aesthetic as such, rather the connotation, you know...

That would put the tin lid on it for me.

May I then introduce... Lucy Smith. The tale of woe is here... CLICKTASTIC

HH coming in your ears.... HERE

 

Arry: Listen up Manuel, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against the Pride Of North Londinium Town.
Rafa: There are a lot of long words in there, Senoir; we're naught but humble bin dippers. What is it that you want?
Arry: I want you to flog me Robbie Keane, son.
Rafa: I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. ....Means "no". 
Arry: This, SSN microphone. This, smack on head. [smacks Rafa on the head]

This window has been somewhat of a mixed cavort so far, if I might put it mildly. Increasingly, Defoe's return looks like a smart move. Westminster Palace, once his match bans and cup tiednessess subside, should add some neccessary oomph to our defence, come mid March. Cudicini was inspired. Appiah is having more trials than Mad Frankie Fraser.

And what of Pascal Chimbonda? He left after exhausting everyone's patience. And now returns like an eighth, uninvited gunslinger in the Magnificent Seven.

But if that one has you wondering. Let's talk about Keane.

Why? Well for one, he's not even deemed benchwarming material judging by Rafa's latest picks.

The boyhood dream has been an unmitigated disaster. If you recall, the People's Princess of Pundits, Lawro made a U Turn that was even darker than the Sean Penn film of the same name.

Now it emerges that his agent was spotted at The Lane last night. A football agent at a football match? Shurley shome mishtake. A doctor, in a hospital?

I'm looking for punchy, one liners here. Would you have him back? I wouldn't.

Cudicini 8 The business. Communicates, catches and copes.

Corluka 8 Some fancy footwork from a fantasic fullback.

A&E 7 Excellent defending, excellent attacking. 

Dawson 8 Committed. As in devoted. Not sectioned.

Woodgate 7.5 No nosense.

Lennon 7.5 Here is a man raising his game.

Bentley 8 Best game in the shirt yet. His detractors are incandescent. 

Zokora 7 She weeps as she cleans.

Modric 9 Like a man with a dose of the old Tia Maria. Everything went through him.

Pavyluchenko 8 Looking like a more amenable version of Berbatov.

Defoe 7.5 'All he did was make that assist and score'. Exactly what he's paid to do then.

More coasters than a coffe morning at Hyacinth Bucket's.

Even in the magnificent theatre of Old Trafford with an away support that quite frankly dwarfs most others, we still have our shirt being warn by people shirking tackles who think accountability is an O Level you need to get a job in a bank.

In places we played brightly and threatened. But what frustrated was that lack of oomph to go that extra yard. You get the impression if one of our lot started tearing around like Tevez he'd be greeted with looks of bemusement from his colleagues.  

It's a case of perception. And if you stop your average Yid in the street and ask, the response is that many of our lot don't look as if they're all that bothered. I do hope the gravity of our league position is clear in the minds of whoever plays against Stoke.

Alnwick 7 A drastic improvement on the messy midweek game. Hopefully the confidence levels are boosted.

Gunter 6 Not a bad shift. Uninventive, but kept his head in what was a harrowing game for any yougster.

A&E 6 Guilty of not closing down oncoming players.

Corluka 7 Low profile gig for the Croatian.

Dawson 7.5 Thankfully another good game.

Bale 5.5 Guilty of not closing down oncoming players.

Zokora 5.5 What does he do?

Bentley 6.5 I'll tell you this, he is working hard to distance himself from those that aren'. He isn't achieving a whole lot, but I believe he sincerely wants to.

Taarabt 6.5 The mind washing has worked and he now indulges in a practice known as 'passing'. Curiously enough this made me want him to go on some solo missions more. I am living proof you cannot win.

Huddlestone 4 Needs screaming at. Throwing against a wall and screaming at. Or binning into the reserves on half pay in return for his half performance. Sweet assist to Pav then nothing. 

Modric 5.5 This ought to have been just his gig. But he never did more than get involved in short passes and consequently created nothing. Oh, and he kept giving the ball away. Depressing.

Pavlyuchenko 7 Terrific goal. Unfortunately our gang misread the Rules of Football and didn't bother passing to him again. This guy is has the potential to become a goal machine - if he leaves Spurs.

Defoe 5 A testament to witless midfeild. Came on and was largely ignored.

Dos Santos 6 Moved brightly, but looked nervous.

I keep checking my inbox but still no word from THFC as to when the DVD of this will be released.

Between the game itself and the propagandist nasal drone of Platt, last night was a bit of a chore. 

Quote of the night was from Chatty Arry, 'Palacios ...he likes tackling you see, so I don’t know if he’ll be any good in our team.'

Alynwick 5 Was too bigger ask for him.

Woodgate 7 I'm getting an 'angry' vibe off him. 

Dawson 6.5 Gave every impression he was having none of Burnley.

Bale 5.5 Not a disaster.

A&E 5 Great strike on goal. Ours.

Gunter 5 Didn't shoot at Alynwick.

Zokora 6 Difficult to know what he did.

O'Hara 5.5 Pedestrian

Bentley 7 Damned if he was going to give up. A credit to the firm.

Taarabt 6 This guy is exciting. Comparatively. Let's see more, Arry.

Huddlestone 0 Lazier than a fully bellied cat on a car bonnet in the sunshine.

Modric 6.5 Another game where he was on his own.

Defoe 7 Achieved naff all and then scorched one in.

Pavlyuchenko 8 He's a love. Isn't he? No, he is. A treasure. A goal in final aswell please.

In a sky as black as a witch's hat, the wind violently swirled the torrenting rain against the THFC Mystery Machine.  'I've got a bad feeling about this place, Scoobs,' said a nervous, kid, young face pressed up against the window.' The lights at Turf Moor were dull and uninviting.

There was no reply. The player next to him had enormous headphones on and was intensely busy Facebooking on his iPhone.

Some random thoughts, on last night then.

Bentley was good. So was Taarabt. Arry must stop being so hesitant in relation to Taarabt and play him more, he appears to have grasped the concept of 'passing'.

Defoe on his own doesn't work. A good number of our players don't work full stop. They don't like rain, wind or for that matter, being outside without a Prada coat on.

Burnley gave more or less a repeat performance from the first tie and played a confident passing game. Nothing sensational, but against us they occasionally looked like Argentina.

What has to be remembered here are a number of facts that aren't up for debate.

We're through.

We've served up performances even worse than this in our time.

Two top four clubs, Arsenal and Chelsea were put to the sword by Burnley before ol' relegation fodder Tottenham manged to squeeze past them them.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to remove the chicken wire from my TV set and pick up all the empty beer cans from the floor in front of it.

Burnley Boy

Stone me, the Carling Cup semi final. Didn't we have one of those a few weeks ago? When I was young, not only was my heart like an open book, but I used to relish any two leg affairs. I felt a real sense of getting extra. Double custard from a dinner lady. Whizzer & Chips or The Topper doing a Summer Special.

Now of course the whole experience just means I get to feel fraught twice instead of the once.

Last time round we won 4-1 you will recall.  A strange game where it required the addition of Jamie O'Hara to take the tie by the scruff of it's neck and steer Spurs away from Lennon and Bentley's fruitless forrays.

Pavlyuchenko had a corker. His first corker to speak of for us, really. JGM summed him up, "Pavlyuchenko. He looks slow, clumsy and lost until he catches a sniff of a chance. Then magic fills them boots of his and he turns into a f***ing goal machine. Better than Defoe or Bent at finishing."

Tonight's glamour tie is but a gateway to the Final. And an opportunity to do to Manchester United what we did to Chelsea. I say we, but without reaching too prematurely for the widow's weeds, the team that did that has long since been dismantled.

Most of it's in Sunderland, one piece on a bench in Merseyside, another was last seen barrel rolling in the Blackburn area. Our Captain's left leg currently lies, detatched upon an operating table, being worked on by those little tin martians that once starred in the Smash adverts.

I'm going for a two nil to the Tottingham.

BIOYC!