Well, I'm not prepared to sit here listening to Sky Sports News' loop of 'the clock is ticking' schtick and whilst sincere as they may well be; repeated assurances from Roger The Security Guard at Fratton Park that David James has indeed not left the premises. Yet. Probably.

So here's the very cream of the cobblers crop that's doing the rounds outside of the stories and non stories that have been in neutral all day. 

Sky Sports News Reporter: Asking David Bentley to confirm/deny news of any transfer as he gets in his car. *Silence* "There you go, no response from David Bentley."

From Disco Stu, via text on 81111 to BBC Sport: "Couple of transfers at Old Trafford on the cards are Rodrigues Jadson of Shakhtar and Tom Huddlestone of Spurs. Jadson is due in for contract talks and Huddlestone's agent has been on the phone. Heard the conversation while catering."

Rickspur on North London Pride: "Ferdinand Done deal on Loan. Trust me its true 100%."

From Anon, via text on 81111 to BBC Sport: "I work in the medical centre used by Man Utd. We are expecting a Dutch player this afternoon by the name of Van der Vaart."

Jurgen The German ITK: On Crazy Paving. "Goodbye .............no one understood your talent and now I guess they never will."

'Tottenham's training ground in Chigwell could be busier than a one-legged Riverdancer'  BBC's Sam Lyon.

Confirmation in that boo boy fave David Bentley is indeed subject to a bid from Manchester City and inevitably this will get messy as we appear to have a continued interest in Martin Petrov. If you consider the Cagney death scene that was the Bentley transfer, the opportunity for this to 'go to the wire' is massive.

Petrov was, it is being touted by several sources, in a London hotel last night. 

The David James tale rumbles on with SSN running exclusive footage of him entering a building by means of a door. This was allegedly him turning up for work/to clear out his locker at Portsmouth. It is said (by whom we know not) that James is not enthusiastic to remain at Pompey under the new owner. How this effects the likelihood of us signing him as a third keeper remains to be seen of course.

No announcements from either side as yet on the Kranjcar move as yet, but whilst it may yet be revealed that the bag had a hole in it, he certainly appears to be still in it as we speak.

Elsewhere, Shorey on a season long loan to Pompey along with Ben Haim. Happy days by the seaside then. Especially for those players who are good at remembering new names.

The Mirror have picked up the Bentley to City story HERE.

And the David James story takes an intriguing twist HERE in The Times as they suggest that the deal initially involved a swapsie bundle tactic that involved... Cudicini. Mmmmn. Sheep? Horses?

Sunderland have audaciously snared wantaway wonder Michael Turner. 'No point holding yourself a hostage to fortune' said some supremo or another from Hull on SSN. Shortly before trousering an undisclosed fortune for the player.

The Guardian have quotes from what may prove to be the very interesting signing of Diego Arismendi HERE.

John 'Comedy Pint' Terry reaffirmed his sidewinding, grasping love of West London money by eventually signing another contract with King's Road Rotters, Cheatski. Over the sound of the last pips being squeezed out of the Second Hand Fridge, Terry managed to splutter an emotional, that's after tax an all that, yeah? before checking his mobile to see if any of his relatives were being detained in a Supermarket manager's office.

On TalkSport Radio, veteran Swede masher Stan Collymore got all bitter and twisted over David Beckham. Apparently Becks is yesterday's potatoes and premiership luminary Sean Wright Phillips ought to get the nod over a player that Stan believes 'will only bring a circus' to England's World Cup efforts. Rather have a circus show up Stan, than some coppers asking you to put Little Stanley away.

BIOYC!

Elsewhere, Blackpool walloped Wigan. Stoke and Bolton had discreet one nil away wins; whilst West Brom and Newcastle both got themselves embroiled in games that generated fourteen goals between them.

BIOYC!

Of course he doesn't, but that's not how a good many feel.  I'm sick of it already and the season isn't even begun.

Let me tell you a tale. I'm not a small chap nor would I describe myself as being unskilled socially. by the same And I tend like most sane people, to avoid confrontation with strangers. But when sat next to some vegetable at the Fulham game last Boxing Day I got so irritated with the barrage of abuse that he was heaping on Bentley I actually asked him if he was in the right seat.

'You wot, mate?' was his incredulous response. 'I think so. I'm a season ticket holder'.

'Sorry, my mistake. It's just everything you've said in the last 15 minutes or so sounds a lot like what they are saying over there....' and I pointed to the away section.

The Bentley bashing needs to stop. If he's rubbish, then fine, wish him away, but do any of you brain surgeons that constantly slate him think you are helping the situation? You're boring the life out of me, making yourselves look like pilchards ...not to mention of course... failing to support the team.

I've never encountered anything like it. You make a point of telling any poor sod who'll listen you're Tottenham through and through and then proceed to eclipse any support you might have shown with the sort of witless bile that might be better aimed at an opposing team's player.

I fear some of us may well be in for a long season. How long will 3MP get before he's treated to a round of the ever hilarious, Freeeeeak or something equally repulsive? My considered guess is approximately not very long.

Everton fans cheered Toffee defender Joleon Lescott's every touch in a recent friendly. This, a player who said he wanted to leave. We have a guy who makes it publicly known he wants to stay and some of our own fans want to give him the bullet. No wonder all the household names are queuing up to join us

Thanks for your ceaseless support. 

One a positive note, Pav and Defoe both scored corkers and Modders is exhibiting distinct signs of being pretty bloody wonderful.

BIOYC!

According to The Mirror, David Bentley was punched in the face by an as yet unnamed man - whilst dining with his pregnant fiancèe, Kimberley Mills. 

No two ways about it, this was a cowardly bit of work.

But never one to look a gift horse in the mouth or indeed a good suggestion (thanks SSG), it's also a truly golden opportunity for a competition.

You tell me who you think did the despicable deed and ...I want a 'fist whilst in flight' quote from your suggested assailant.

Now, not only is there a prize, but it's is a rather special one. Poshspur has donated this....

 A THFC Dream Team print. Quite frankly, this is a rare opportunity to grace your tasteful abode with a unique piece of our club's history. So word up and respect in da house to the venerable Poshspur's generosity.

So get your assault gag caps on.

BIOYC!

Love is like a red red ..headshot...

This would ordinarily be a bit of a Vital Spurs type headline. The reason it ain't is down to the achievements of Big Martin Jol and his rather eye catching appointment today at a rather respected Dutch football club by the name of Ajax.

There was an understandably big emotional attachment for us all with Martin. He was the master of the bear hug and he oozed sincerity.

Rudyard Kipling once said someting along the lines of you could tell he was a foreigner as he was always touching people. This is undoubtedly an outdated view of people ...but where it encapsulated one man was one time Premiership manager BMJ. His tactile nature reflected the generosity and good natured spirit of the man.

Arry came in on a mop up exercise after the regretful appointment of Ramass. Like Tarrantino's Mr. Wolf the clean up specialist, he was distanced from emotion and driven by common sense. Arry also had several million reasons. All of them with the Queen's head on them.

What he brought was Soloman's wisdom. He fought against the malaise of our dressing room and what I call the iPod culture. Are you in for a fight or do you wanna f*** off? 'You're the worst of the lot' was one quote only weeks into the job.

Sure he had agenda's therein that didn't appeal to all of us but the common sense and clarity of purpose he gave to proceedings were generally welcomed by all.

That said, neither of them can use substitutes for toffee. What say you?

BIOYC!

Tottenham's latest signing, Steve Onambulist

I actually fell asleep during this game. I'm not kidding.

It dawned on me as I came to - watching it on Sky - that the only reason I'd been rivetted to it 'live' in the afternoon was because the dodgy stream I had it on kept needing to be refreshed.

Mind you, after watching Villa and Newcastle chase around aimlessly after a football or whatever it was they were up to for an hour and a half I was probably suffering from some class of clinical depression and just didn't realise it.

Thank the merciful Lord this season is over. A puce faced and grumpy Arry looked on as his players went through the motions. It's funny, I don't think some of them realise he will, without hesitation, flog off those that don't pull their weight. Had I travelled, I would have been submitting my receipts to Levy with a view to refund.

Gomes Made a number of great saves and was beaten by three very difficult shots.

Corluka I can't work out if he is either the front or the rear end of a pantomime horse.

A&E More exposed than Mike Ashley's current account.

King Looked every bit like a bloke in the midst of a very ropey defence.

Hutton His goal was nowhere near on a par with Duff's, so room for improvement there.

Bale Some people are calling him 'Jinx'. But I prefer 'Cornelius'.

Zokora Looked like a man who might be frequently outwitted by sheep.

Modders Probably the best of our lot but that ain't sayin' much.

Bentley Unmemorable appearance.Oh yeah, took a free kick that didn't beat the first man.

Jenas Did something to his foot.

Defoe He got bored chasing after rubbish passes and I got bored watching him getting bored.

Keane There's this clause in his contract saying he can't be subbed, but it's a secret.

Bent Of all our strikers that achieved naff all he looked quite threatening in naff sort of way.

Pavyluchenko Tall blonde lad, came on towards the end. Or halfway through. Not sure.

Scores? Oh, let's give everyone a 3 apart from Gomes and Modric who both get a big bloaty 4. 

Even some of the lower echelons of David Bentley's Fan Club (ie the Spurs fans that don't want him deported) were curious to know why he was seemingly superglued to the bench.

Well in March a small beam of light was shone on things when Azza Lennon signed a five year deal at c.£60,000 a week. What floodlit the situation was the quote from Sandra's hubby, 'It's quite strange, really - the previous manager here can't have fancied Lennon that much to have signed David Bentley.'

Bentley as you may recall started six of Ramos' eight league games, was subbed in three of them and came on as sub in the other two matches.

VOTE FOR ME YOU B*ST*RDS!

Or at least that was snide the pronouncement of a good many of you  minutes after he joined.

We now have reached the point where Arry, who can't hold water, let alone a secret has effectively invited offers for him come August.

So where did it all go wrong? And wrong is very much where it has gone. It seemed to me a move doomed from before the start. If that makes sense.

During the transfer windows, people get bored, they get tetchy. They get irrational and on the Internet they get removed from message boards for their trouble. There exists a want it now -  Pot Noodle culture -  just tell me with absolute copper bottomed certainty that we're signing X on Friday and hurry up about it.

David Bentley's signature took longer to obtain than most and what marked the process for me was the sense of latent bile there was towards the move even then. I've mentioned before those 'experts' that lurk amongst us. You know the ones.

£13 million for player 'X'?, you're 'aving a laugh. He's not worth a penny over £10 million. They know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Snitching and sniping over pennies like some hard up housewife doing the weekly shop. Incapable of suspending their disbelief and understanding that this is the Premiership an  entirely artificial, Through The Looking Glass world when it comes to money.

So we paid too much for Bentley and that was the first nail in his coffin. The second nail also came in the form of something else he arguably had no control over. His appearance.

I have been guilty of passing silly comments that his hair looked particularly nice on such a such occasion. But unlike his coiffered counterpart Bale, I can't recall moment when he was caught fiddling with his barnet or tweaking his syrup. No, he was born prettier tham many of us and in the hands of any good lynch mob that too is an first class hanging offence.  So nail mumber two firmly in place.

Last of all we come to his contribution on the pitch. 'Not as good as he was at Blackburn' is the number one charge made. Just how good was he at Blackburn then? Was he any better than Downing when he's ON FIRE at Boro, for example? Danny Devito would look good at Blackburn. Being continually played out of postion is of course, no defence and I'm sorry I mentioned it. 

The comparasons with Beckham are hilarious. I'm not filling this piece with stats. You go look for them yourself if so inclined. But how you can seriously get comparative over two players like these is beyond me. Beckham was ten years at United, part of a dynasty which in his tenure collected amongst other pots, six league titles.

Bentley went to a lesser club, with a lesser manager that couldn't or wouldn't speak English and a squad that was systematically dismantled.

I'd better leave it there. I'll be accused of being a relative.