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"I'm in shock" says Arshavin agent, Denis Lahter. HERE

It now emerges that Zenit are, surprise surprise playing silly buggers (my technical jargon may leave you for dead occasionally, but do try and keep up, dear reader) over the lolly.

Basically Citizen Levy has done the deal and the fee is agreed at a whopping nice price (if you're charging) of €25 miliion euros.

The stumbling block is now that Zenit are demanding the loot be handed over within 18 months rather than the four year period specified by Spurs. Now, Lahter, Andrei's agent doesn't specifically state that Tottenham had agreed four years and Zenit have now renaged.

However he is bewildered by the Russian's behaviour when it is common practise for clubs (and he cites Manchester United and Real Madrid as examples) to pay over extended periods such as this when transacting in such huge amounts.

When asked if the deal was dead Lahter answered, "As long as there is time there are some chances"

The reality - if we are to believe this scheming cockAroach of an agent is that Levy is behaving like the director of a club (only one of five in the Premiership) with no debts and a budget. He's danced to their tune and now they've pushed him too far.

Jurassic Park!

These last ten days or so have been tedious. The amount of guesswork, pandering and second rate hope masquerading as inside info has been on the abundant side of shameful. As a countermeasure against this 'cobblers various' I'm passing on this little lot from a source that is a rareity these days... one actually in a position to comment, TT Dave.

One player is done and dusted and should be announced once his visa has been formalised, that player is Pavluchenko. 

The man who came in from the cold, went back out again and then came out again, Arshavin will be announced soon too. Zenit contacted us at the weekend and said they would accept our £16m bid.

Huntelaar bid was lodged at the weekend and Ajax have said they are willing to do business but wages are a problem, he wants big money. We are looking for sponsor assistance but are very hopeful this will happen.

Finally....the Veloso deal has finally been agreed, this has been ongoing for weeks but deal struck early yesterday evening.

All passed on in good faith from a senior bod within the PLC's 'financial side'. I trust this is in part, a suitable antidote to the misdirection and despair.

BIOYC!

The war of attrition has, as we speak, been won. Quite who by remains to be seen.

The deal between Zenit St Petersburg and THFC has reached some class of conclusion and the player heralded as Pointy Shouty Bloke's replacement is on his way to The Lane.

Zenit were adamant that he was worth €25 million and Spurs were convinced he wasn't. Quite where they met is anyones's guess. My hope is it was nearer what the man with a first from Cambridge had in mind originally, rather than the thought of either Benty or Johnny Two Saints getting injured forcing his hand to a fuller figure.

This deal may yet collapse. For reasons well documented before this piece. The devil has been in the detail and if ever there was a precedent set for transfer tomfoolery then it was this one.

I have to admit a slight sense of sowhatness about this transfer. Don't get me wrong, he may well still cause the havoc required but as an effective replacement for both Bob & Berba it is, to quote that hairless Hogmanay Herbert off Sky Sports, 'a big ask.'

There's no doubt that Tottenham suddenly have a real array of creativity across the park. Suddenly so many proven providers. The doom mongering Bulgarian's form dipped and he looked for someone to blame. As per his insular wants I am convinced he looked to himself first and longest. (The pondering artiste in him would have curiously enjoyed that.) And then didn't have to look much farther. The squad of last season was full of people who didn't quite service him. Didn't quite do him justice.

Apart from Bob, of course.

And if if there was ever a key to this three lock box then the departure of that prize fight knacker was it. Keane's agenda was straightforward as that of a suicide bomber. And as a result, equally impossible to guard against. Bob acted alone, focused and probably motivated by little more than a desire to die for something... money, fame or the conclusion of a row he had with someone who dared to substitute him.

Keane going made things much much easier for the troubled Mitka. The springboard for all his own indulgencies, flights of fantasy, call them what you will was handed to him. Bob's bunk to Barryland is the justification he can use to cloak his own naked ambition.

The irony will not be lost on Berbatov that now Wendy has rearranged the entire team to accommodate both coherant defending and attacking... the tortured artist is doing the off. 

But now he won't want to dwell on that too much. Afterall, the boy has much dwelling to do and little time in which to do it. As his team mates were shrieking and making merry after the Carling Cup win, Berbatov's interpretation of a random urine test in an antichamber at Wembley was that this somehow emphasised his isolation. Not for him the simple joys that the other labourers enjoyed. His destiny was detachment.

You or I would have served them their glass of widdle as fast as and got back to the party. Our hero was soul searching.

Quite how this fuzz of melancholia will cope with Shrek bawling 'Get yer fooking foot round the c*nting thing yer fooking half dead c*nt yer' is anyone's guess.

Berbatov is in for one hell of a culture shock. His moping won't be tolerated in the 'can do culture' of Old Trafford where he will be expected by his colleagues and a capacity crowd to excell immeadiately and consistently if he is to survive.  

The consequences? 

The old alice band won't have much to do if he goes from Squirrel Nutkins to Terry Nutkin.

David Bentley was spotted in Ikea Croydon buying a 50p hotdog and told an onlooker he is due to sign for Tottenham this Friday.

DON'T FORGET YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL ENTRY! 

http://www.oleole.com/blogs/harryhotspur/posts/win-a-champions-league-final-package

 Colonel Stok: I wish to defect, but there are conditions.
Harry Palmer: What do you want?
Colonel Stok: I want colonel's pay for life.
Harry Palmer: Don't we all.

In the good old days, one simply got on the trumpet to the Home Office and once a few dozen forms had been completed and countersigned, they'd send Harry Palmer out to defect you.

In this modern age of football agents and multiple football agents - the world of double agents seems actually more straightforward.

Anyway, Archibald on Spurs Odious was confident as hell that there would be a medical today for old Smoothbum. Alas, not to be. The cynic in me says this was never on the cards anyway. No disrespect to the tipster named after Aberdeen's finest, but disinformation and cobblers various has crippled even the best sources this season. And Archibald has already called medicals for Dunne and Ferdinand that never happened. As I say, this isn't a dig, more symptomatic of the current climate.

My guess is that the stumbling blocks are numerous. The player is probably at the absolute height of his stock value and if my discussions with 'an agent' were anything to go by then Levy will be near his wits end. The mess of unscrupulous financial shenanigans and backhanders will bring this transfer to nothing.

The player wants to come to the West and grow roses. Unfortunately, his destiny is very much in the hands of men who's ambitions all include the phrase 'early retirement for me.'

Well it started well enough. The reply to the self induced hysteria. The word from Topspurs.com leaked out Wednesday afternoon and rather amusingly I lost my position as Transfer Info Weasel as others lept into the breach to declare the they were really well connected and the war was over.  VE day. Or VR (Victory In Russia) Day. 

Needless to say, even the SSN yellow ticker clearly marked DAVID BENTLEY CONFERENCE didn't deter the emotional hoards waiting for Levy (by remote control from Mother Russia) to pull away the sash and reveal Arshavin, Veloso, Capel, Villa and Bentley all beaming from wig to chin like some NATO sponsored human pyramid.

What they got was Bentley singing a medley of toe tappin' tunes.

I Was Born Under A Wandrin' Star (of David) / It's Alright Baby's Coming Back (And I Don't Even Care He's Played For Arsenal) / We Are Family (I Got All My Season Ticket Holders With Me).

That and the copper bottomed threat of a Derby goalie 'in the post.'

Arshavin then.

Me fishing expedition of last week continued a little this, to little purpose other than to shed more gloomy light on the horse trading of footballer transfers.

First up, I discovered that Vladimir was... in fact Vladimir Hunrov. Boxing manager. Fight fans may know him as the fella that looks after Russian heavyweight Alexander Povetkin. So like Christopher Walken in True Romance. "That should answer your 'how full of sh*t am I?' question."

So after numerous missed calls and endless txts I asked Vlad what the deal was. The media in Europe was full of 'Arshavin to Tottenham.' He was adamant that the deal was far from complete. He even pointed out the Russian media was full of 'my' 'move' to CSK, which was a fair point well made. He tried to reassure me. 

"You are long time in this profession and have become a victim of PR. If you ever see Arshavin in a Tottenham T- Short (sic) I will eat it. "

The offer to come to St Petersburg was now being pushed in earnest. And the offer made to quick fix some visas. I replied,

"My Margaret can fix visa very quickly, her son Mark is very well connected. I wish my son Jamie was. I will advise if there is a problem.  As it happens, I will need a new a new sheepskin leather for the winter. Presumably you can point us in the right direction?"

Vladimir claimed that 'The hooligans' (as phrase he had already used to described THFC twice) had in fact tapped Arshavin up... "The hooligans are wrong to contact the player without contacting the club and agent. Your contacts has correct direction - you will have a meeting with director of club and agent. In sport business there are certain principles and for me they are undoubtable. It is very unprofessional to contact the sportsman who is not free directly."

And so a schedule was proposed. "Please book your arrival to Russia on the 7th. First meeting will be in Moscow. 8th will go to Saint Petersburg. I beleive it is better if you book hotel in Moscow from 7th to 11th, and if you stay overnight in Saint Petersburg, Pavel will help you with booking."

Salary would be discussed in Moscow. There were 'tax reasons' but rest assured the salary would not be an issue. Hospitality was offered including the enjoyment of 'national drinks'. I made a remark that we'd both have nose's like Sir Alex's after my visit. I mention this to make sense of the next quote.

Vlad then asked,"I want to ask you for one impossible thing. During first match that Arshavin will play for Portsmouth I would like to be near you at the trainers bench:-) If we will play with Manchester United, we will win in terms of colors of our noses."

An interesting footnote in the penultimate email was this where Vladimir Bistrov was recommended. "Also I would like to give you a golden key. Arshavin is very friendly with Bistrov. Please think about him. They have the same agent, but he will be much cheaper. I've read today that you want Bilyaletdinov. Bistrov is very brave and quick. I do not want to recommend - it is your job to form a team, just share an idea. But how many times I have seen Arshavin - as many times he was with Bistrov."

I concluded my expedition by announcing that my Chairman had changed his mind and felt the money was excessive. I had tried to reason with him but to no avail. 'What can I do, mate?'

The last I got back was an understandably shirty email spelling out his anger at losing his £2.5 mill "...worse reputation in front of agent and director of top Russian club making and cancelling the offer."

Oh well. Nothing earth shattering there. But interesting that the Director clearly had no qualms in dealing with the 'agent proper' (Dennis Lahter) and a third party. My intention was two sniff out the credibility of all the rumours and ultimately to walk away blaming the price - the only excuse that might directly benefit Tottenham.

The latest update is this. Gazeta a Russian website is this morning running Dennis Lahter quotes as follows," "Andrew really decided to go to the Tottenham"  "Coach Ramos Huande personally telephoned Andrew" and "Ramos gave Andrei key position in his team."

Done deal? No. But more evidence in the case file to support Levy & Co being formally charged with running a bloody good football club. And here's a name to not scratch from the defeinately maybe list... Pavlyuchenko.

The purpose of my undercover lark was twofold. To establish if Spurs were actually in for this player or not and to get an insight into the possibly murky world of football agents. I was not dissappointed on either count.

My plan was uncomplicated enough. Pretend to be a household name Premiership manager who wanted to buy Andrei Arshavin.

My initial phone call was to a man called Vladimir. He sounded every bit a bent as the Soviet Sickle and as hard as the hammer that crosses it.

"How do you have my number?" My response was from a contact sheet at the club. Vlad then said it was possible that the club had got it from.... he named someone foreign sounding and I replied cheerfully, "Oh yeah we're old friends. How is he? Still losing money on the horses?" This random punt from me made Vlad laugh and lightened the grumpy bugger a little.

He then asked why I was calling. I merely said,"I want you to sell me Andrei Arshavin. What is his situation? Does he want to play Premiership football?" I introduced myself as _______ __________.

Ignoring any subtleties in my overture, Vlad voiced his first concern. Which was our ownership of the required folding stuff.

"It is twenty five."

"What is?"

"Andrei Arshavin. Is alright? ... Twenty five million euros? This figure not any less. You understand?"

I replied the fee was fine. My only worry was his wages. Vlad's worries were a little closer to home.

"I work for you. You must confirm my commission. I will speak to Sergei and... another name I didn't catch... they will call you. My commission must be confirmed."

We agreed that I would confirm his commission and he agreed that someone else would then call me. What happpened next was a series of texts and I thought the jig was up as he wanted me to email him 'full contact details and introduction' to a russian email.

What I sent was a load of baloney, beautifully worded, that banged on about confidetiality and that they must only deal direct with me to avoid leaks to the press. If this was no good to consider our interest withdrawn. I included a fake CC email address to the club's chairman and added he had allowed me to act with his complete authority regarding all monies. The email was sent by the club secretary, signed Margaret Hilda Roberts.

Commission was paramount to old Vlad and we eventually agreed on 10%. He wanted €2.5 million for putting me in touch with the agent. This was on top of the transfer fee and whatever the player's agent wanted.

At this point I recieved another text reminding me his commission was '2.5, total 27.5.' and that ...'Problem is there are two other offers of which you are aware.'

Mmmn. The next text came on the heels of the last one, Vlad saying there were meetings taking place and the call would be that evening. He signed off with, 'I work for you.'

And at an hourly rate that would make Elton John blush.

Anyway, the call came in and I'm given the mobile number for Maxim Mitrofanov. General Manager of Zenit St Petersberg. Nice bloke. After some initial nicities, "The price will be €25million, near to €30 miliion."

The situation is as follows. Arshavin is under contract untill 2011 and very much regarded as integral part of the team's future. Having said that, Maxi (his abbreviation, not mine) was quick to punctuate our conversation three times that the player wanted to play in Europe.

There have been offers made by both Tottenham and by Barcelona. Now, the Barcelona bid was I was told, 'The most suitble' however there had been a change in personel at Barcelona and as consequence this deal had stalled.

The Tottenham deal had also died. An offer had been made which from what I could gather had fallen short of the then asking price. I suggested that perhaps the Spurs offer was in the range of €18 to €20 million. This was greeted with an "around this."

The Tottenham offer was additionally soured by the fact that Arshavin and the Zenit Director of Football had fallen out and it was he who had introduced Damien Comolli. After this and the money being short, "...nothing more had proceeded." Mitrofanov added that Andrei would have been interested in playing at Tottenham. He had no dislike of the club. The 'would like to play in Europe' line came out again.

The upshot is that I was invited to St Petersberg and continue the conversation in person. "It will be easier for all of us and Andrei too."

So there you have it. Straight from the horse's.

Your man telling lies on the long distance line.

HH.