Chris Hughton has been offered the hot seat at Sid James Park. Take a seat, Christopher, we'll plug it in.

Many will rush to remind me of what a stalwart he was on the pitch for Spurs. Well, you'll never hear me contesting that. My issue was always what an unerring wart he became once he was off it. 

He should be lecturing at Hereford this guy's survival instincts are so acute. He outlasted every lousy manager we had. He outlasted every good manager we had. Apart from Jol. He only blew it that time because he became too close to the man and when Levy opened fire he got hit with a stray. Well that was that and he didn't speak Spanish. 

Some will argue he's come good. I'll break it to you gently. Even Newcastle can do well in the Championship with Hughton at the helm. Watching him on TV a few days ago I began to feel that familiar feeling of my blood boiling. The same old mantra about working hard, focusing on the next game and the mock modesty that you can only really master when you have become a living embodiment of the Peter Principle.

Give any failed Premiership team generally abysmal opposition who allow you more time and space than Dr Who and they'd be where Toon are now. 

It speaks volumes he hasn't just taken the bloody job. No, they are negotiating. I bet hat'll be a fun exercise. Ashley on his hands free in a massage parlour shouting 'Don't act like a c*nt son, this is what you've always wanted, to manage a top team. Not my fault it's Newcastle. Now, you get the same money and up to 70% off in any of my shops. What do you say, mate?'

Elsewhere, 3MP avoided injury in a taxi that was too small for him by going home whilst poking through the vehicle's sunroof.  This was after going on a bit of a knees up with the boys and WAGs after the Pompey game. Apparently Abbey said, 'It would work just as well if you licked your finger and held that out if you wanted to find out which way the wind was blowing.'

So farewell then, Barcodes. We knew you well.

Led into the valley of death by the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley.

The Premiership is never any the lesser for the absence of sides that can't make the grade. If Spurs had been relegated today my compassion would have been as equally non existent.

Hopefully the demise of Toon will serve as an eye opener to Premiership footballers and Club directors everywhere. That club has epitomised some of the worst aspects of modern football. Overpaid, disinterested players and a Treatment Room busier than Piccadilly Circus. 

The mismanagement of Newcastle United is probably the most notable crime though. The abuse of the poor supporters up there has been constant and unremitting. Fundamentally shocking buying and a dillusional sense of worth. 'This is a big Club.' Might have been with the right people in charge. 

Instead, the Geordie faithful were treated with contempt - as just another revenue stream - one that was fobbed off with an endless (not very) merry go round of substandard managers and players. It wasn't just Shearer's arrogance, incompetance and vanity that sunk Newcastle.

The black hole of the Championship will trigger the biggest evacuation since the animals went two by two into the Ark. The deeply unpleasant Elbows himself will be sitting at the Captain's table on the phone to his agent, 'So I'm still good for Match Of The Day, yeah?'

Gomes 7 One fumble and you're done for. That's what her brother said to me last night...

Cor!uka 7.5 Like an Italian air hostess. A couple of hairy moments ...but essentially good value.

Dawson 7.5 Even the most awesome amongst us couldn't have coped with those whacks.

Begbie 8 Superb. Everything seemed to make a difference. Someone play the tape to Pascal...

Woodgate 8 Hopefully Capello has grasped what a great player this guy is. Or, hopefully not. 

A&E 8 Massive performance. He was like Red Adair. Flew about extinguishing everything.

Sgt Wilson 8 What a huge difference he made. Summed up our lot's attitude for me.

Lennon 7 That shot was tip top. Wasn't it? No masterclasses in skinning but a cracking run out.

Huddlestone 8 How we cooed, how we ahhh'd. He was given time and space but what a game...

Modders 7 He was an absolute naffing menace. He drew them and he ran them ragged. Mostly.

PSB 6  Never really that much on the ball but a Captaining enough show for me.

Barren Dent 7 In the immortal words of the bard, 'a goal is a goal is a goal.' 

Defoe Saw little play and is quite understandably not as zippy as he ought be yet.

The reality is that for all our N17 huff and puff we fell through the credibility trap door this season.

As a club with pretensions aka delusions of grandeur we failed largely, to pass muster.

So why are Newcastle a joke? What exactly is your angle, HH??

Try this: The most alienated fanbase in modern history. Never have so many (generally speaking) decent folk invested so heavily both financially and emotionally in a football club. You only have to walk the streets on a non match day up there to encounter such a belief, such a trust that is pretty well very, very rare. The belief in yesterday's men is certainly not unique to the Bar Codes, but their persistance in the pursuit of them is extraordinary.

Newcastle United deserve more then,  but based upon what? The good will of the indigenous population? No. This club has systematically abused/disabused it's core supporters.

Overpaid players, no sincere commitment to the team's management, worse than poor financial advisors and a general and ultimately life threatening ethos of, 'We're the Toon, So We'll Survive'.

Even Alan Elbows Shearer, a boy more golden  than Herr Keegan hesitated. And hesitated. And waited a bit more. Untill the adrift ship had become half sunk.  That's like a post dated cheque that's already been cancelled by the issuer. I can only guess it was a combination of his low IQ and vanity that eventually forced him to commit. Meh.

It is unusual for me to have make such a postscript, but any comments posted that are racist, or generally dismal will be passed on to the companies that provide the Internet service of those divs that are responsible so if your are Toon, insure that you argue your point beyond vulgarities. I'm Harry Hotspur and be assuredboth vengance and your IP are mine.

Newcastle United Football Club want to sign Thomas Cuddlestones. No figure is touted as yet, just an initial sniff about availability at this stage.

This will be an emotive move should it happen. Opinion is divided. The Hudd has a loyal following who seem happy enough to potter along talking about potential, his young age and his sweet sweet touch. 

Unfortunately, he's failed to make the grade and time has probably run out, at Tottenham, anyway.

The excess weight was lost but the mobility as it has been called wasn't really found as a result. The bottom line is with Ramos and my feeling is that he wants an an end to the players that aren't delivering.  And tommy isn't. 'Meaning well' is all very nice, but we have genuine expectations of top four football. That is not going to come about hanging around forever hoping for players to either come good or turn in the odd blinder.  

Patience and appreciation. No one could fail to appreciate what a potentially amazing footballer Tommy could be. He can be a fantasic and very 'Tottenham' player, but my patience would be wearing thin if I were Juande. He demands only what any top flight manager survives on: consistancy from great players. If he were to migrate north then and The News Of The Screws is anything to go by, he may well enjoy sampling a whole new world of ageing slappers. Urrgh.

This 'there's interest from Toon' infromation does indeed come from Dragon1 but also rather strangely from a pal of mine we'll call Slimboy Fat, lifelong Toon fan and ladies man. Slimboy has never had any inside info on Toon or anything else for that matter before and should this happen I will a) fall over b) never hear the end of it.