Try as I might, the sight of one particular goal still turns my stomach every time I see it. You can watch it here after about two minutes of nostalgia and The Pogues. It’s a simple looping header from Wim Kieft at Euro ‘88, one with a wicked bounce, as well as another Dutchman standing in an offside position out of shot.

But it’s not the injustice of the linesman's decision – after all Alan McLoughlin was standing three yards offside when Kevin Sheedy blasted home against England at Italia ’90 – instead it’s just the sickening amount of time it takes to go in. Ireland slowly but surely seeing a semi final berth slip out of their grasp.

The flight of the ball barely makes sense, some odd divot is hit and football history follows. How many times have you seen Marco Van Basten’s volley in the final? At least a hundred if you’ve even a passing interest in football, near a thousand if you happen to actually like the game. No divot, no volley, no Marco Goalo volley of the century.

Kieft’s goal disgusts me to this day. I can’t help it.

The path of Dutch football rarely makes sense, be it to do with divots, lunch time seating arrangements or even the sheer oddity that is Dirk Kuyt. Therefore, Ireland’s exit at Euro ’88 to that goal should just be chalked down as another oddball moment in the history of a nation that’s usually too busy rowing to win tournaments; despite the fact that they’re often technically the best side on show.

There was a book released a few years ago by football writer David Winner, entitled Brilliant Orange: The Neurotic Genius of Dutch Football, which I picked up again recently. When I say ‘recently’, I mean out of a desperate attempt to do anything with Christmas other than drink, eat, eat, eat, drink… oh, and avoid generally awful Christmas TV (I include nearly every live Premier League game over the festive period in that too – cheers Sky for not showing Chelsea v Villa).

It did the trick. When you see a chapter on how the ‘Provos’ changed football you generally associate it with terrace violence in Northern Ireland’s top flight in the late seventies. However, in Winner’s book he’s referring to a 1960s group of Dutch anti-establishment protestors. Their tactics for social reform basically revolved around annoying the police with clever non-violent protests and pranks to such a point that the only logical conclusion was that they would end up getting a good kicking. Public support and press headlines followed.

The book itself is about the “idea of Dutch football” rather than the Dutch national side or even their club teams. The spirit of total football, so goes the argument, comes in part from inspiration such as the Provos, who managed to free themselves from the post-war conservatism of their home country. It’s not just them though; it’s their architects, painters, anarchists and the petty differences of the middle classes that make up the nature of Dutch football.

National identity it seems, dictates the national style of football. Does the argument stand up when you take a look at other nations? Seeing the almost drunken fashion in which the FAI have gone about stumbling from one failed conquest to another in the ‘race’ for Ireland manager, our administrators certainly resemble some of our fine nation on a Saturday night out. But actual footballing style?

The grinding nature of the Charlton era matched some very hard financial times; much like the flair players of the ultimately unsuccessful ‘70s side resembled the ramshackle trad music bands that delighted home crowds but often struggled abroad when it came to making the big breakthrough. Now we’re a nation who relies on foreign workers to prop up the workforce; should a decent continental coach get the job he will sit well with our mercenary friendly attitudes.

England’s style of play? Is there one? If there is, it resembles their white van man fan-base (try saying that ten times in a row) rather than the country as a whole - not subtle and can be accused of being brainless at times. Perhaps instead of protesting Provos, Fabio, Capello could look to Have I Got News for You for how to handle genuine talent in a large, often misguided organisation. Joe Cole as England’s Paul Merton? Privately educated Lamps as Ian Hislop? Owen Hargreaves as the anchor? It could work. It won’t, but it could.

Then there’s Spain; where Civil War pretty much defines their current squad and any in living memory. There’s also the slow method of carrying out their day (how many meals and breaks do they have anyway) that matches the patient build up of their football sides.

There’s gotta be some decent masters degree in the whole subject – after all if they can give college lectures on the science of superheroes then national football identities should have some of Mensa’s finest working on this topic.

Winner’s tale of the Dutch is a great read anyway… though I still wish that Kieft’s header had bounced harmlessly wide.
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Anyhoo, had to write on something other than the Premier League above as we have been battered over the head with it over Christmas. But much like Sam Allardyce’s wife (ref: Okeydoke Football’s entirely non-libelous Awards Show) we’re back for more so give us your best shot!

Tonight we’re podcasting and discussing the events of the Christmas period (winners: Chelsea, Arsenal; losers: Liverpool, Derby, and Newcastle). We’ll also have Pub Talk and comments.

Until then, belated Happy New Year, JJ

Okey Doke Football Podcast is available every Friday morning, subscribe here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/OkeyDokeFootball

I know the issue of quotas is being looked at by most football sites today due to Steve Coppell and Gordon Brown sticking their respective oars into the issue. Alex Ferguson’s comments on the matter have also raised eyebrows (though his interest is in sticking it to Arsenal rather than the ‘health of the game’). But, aside from the questions over European employment laws and the development of the game in England, I thought I’d point out that the issue has always been a load of cobblers and is barely worthy of the discussion it’s currently getting.

English players, with the exception of a few decent stars in amongst the mire, have always been poor. A spark of gold in a pile of shite as Paul Calf (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcVDPDRKrt0) once said.

Think back to Liverpool’s win over AC Milan in Istanbul. Number of English players in the side – two; Gerrard and Carragher. Think back even further to Liverpool’s 1984 European Cup winning side (the last of seven wins in eight years for English sides) and the team was as follows: Grobbelaar, Neal, Kennedy, Lawrenson, Whelan, Hansen, Dalglish (Robinson), Lee, Rush, Johnston (Nicol), Souness. So that’s three Englishmen including the subs. Okay there’s more Frenchman than Scots in the modern European Cup winners but still very few English, and let’s not forget it’s only England that are bringing up this issue. The Scots are doing just fine… well until Saturday anyway.

Arsenal got to the 2006 final with only a half-fit Ashley Cole and Sol Campbell in their side. Yet despite their loss, when coupled with Liverpool’s victory the year before this laid many of the foundations for the idea of the ‘Golden Generation’ of English football that would win the 2006 World Cup. Five horrendous games later, the state of the English game looked a lot less healthy.

The Manchester United side of 1999 was far more representative in regards to English players – the Nevilles, Butt, Beckham, Cole and of course Scholes who would have been in there too had he not been suspended. Yet, after their triumph, 12 months later many of those players formed the core of an English side that went out in the group stages of Euro 2000. Spain didn’t last long in that tournament either, despite Real Madrid picking up the European Cup only six weeks earlier (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0CPIMH2t9s).

English sides dominated Europe in the mid-to-late seventies and early eighties yet the national side failed to qualify for two World Cups (74 and 78) and went out timidly in 1982 when they actually did make it to Spain.

In fact, there is very little to suggest that a nation’s success at club level – be it with home-grown players or foreigners – leads on to success at international level. Did Italy win anything in the late eighties or early nineties when their sides were dominating in Europe? Nope. Have Spanish national sides ever done anything at the highest level despite Real Madrid’s (and to a certain extent Barcelona’s) record in European competition? Nope.

Both the Italian and Spanish leagues have aspired to be the greatest league in the world over the last 20 years and both understood that this involved bringing in the world’s top talent. When Italy went out of the 1990 World Cup in the semi finals, they didn’t moan that they would have won the tournament had three Italians played for AC Milan instead of Gullit, Rijkaard and van Basten (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O2nEZAb_Mk). They just accepted they were unlucky and moved on.

There was no attempt to block George Weah (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo8PS4XSCyk), Paul Gascoigne et al entering the Italy afterwards. Serie A was the best league in the world so it wanted the best players, therefore if the Premier League aspires to the same position they should continue getting top players by having an open system. In the long run, the policy of importing foreign talent has hardly done the Italian national side any harm now has it? What with that whole World Cup win and that.

Finally, no amount of foreign players should be blamed for a bunch of pompous ghost-writer hookers failing to beat Macedonia at home. England players and their coaching staff (well despite their coaching staff perhaps) have the talent to reach the European Championships and have no one to blame but themselves. What can be done about the malaise in their international team? How about organising their inflated egos into a vaguely coherent side and beating the other teams in a decidedly easy group. That ought to do it.

But with England’s football team, it’s always somebody else’s fault isn’t it. Damn Johnny Foreigner.

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Don’t forget to sign Mark’s ‘Keep Houllier Away’ petition (not poll as I said the other day like a damned fool). This French gimp must be stopped.
http://www.petitiononline.com/jxz81c/petition.html

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Here’s my choice for the job… and the dog that’s barking… that’s not his dog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iaNlobvJMY

Later - JJ