Try as I might, the sight of one particular goal still turns my stomach every time I see it. You can watch it here after about two minutes of nostalgia and The Pogues. It’s a simple looping header from Wim Kieft at Euro ‘88, one with a wicked bounce, as well as another Dutchman standing in an offside position out of shot.

But it’s not the injustice of the linesman's decision – after all Alan McLoughlin was standing three yards offside when Kevin Sheedy blasted home against England at Italia ’90 – instead it’s just the sickening amount of time it takes to go in. Ireland slowly but surely seeing a semi final berth slip out of their grasp.

The flight of the ball barely makes sense, some odd divot is hit and football history follows. How many times have you seen Marco Van Basten’s volley in the final? At least a hundred if you’ve even a passing interest in football, near a thousand if you happen to actually like the game. No divot, no volley, no Marco Goalo volley of the century.

Kieft’s goal disgusts me to this day. I can’t help it.

The path of Dutch football rarely makes sense, be it to do with divots, lunch time seating arrangements or even the sheer oddity that is Dirk Kuyt. Therefore, Ireland’s exit at Euro ’88 to that goal should just be chalked down as another oddball moment in the history of a nation that’s usually too busy rowing to win tournaments; despite the fact that they’re often technically the best side on show.

There was a book released a few years ago by football writer David Winner, entitled Brilliant Orange: The Neurotic Genius of Dutch Football, which I picked up again recently. When I say ‘recently’, I mean out of a desperate attempt to do anything with Christmas other than drink, eat, eat, eat, drink… oh, and avoid generally awful Christmas TV (I include nearly every live Premier League game over the festive period in that too – cheers Sky for not showing Chelsea v Villa).

It did the trick. When you see a chapter on how the ‘Provos’ changed football you generally associate it with terrace violence in Northern Ireland’s top flight in the late seventies. However, in Winner’s book he’s referring to a 1960s group of Dutch anti-establishment protestors. Their tactics for social reform basically revolved around annoying the police with clever non-violent protests and pranks to such a point that the only logical conclusion was that they would end up getting a good kicking. Public support and press headlines followed.

The book itself is about the “idea of Dutch football” rather than the Dutch national side or even their club teams. The spirit of total football, so goes the argument, comes in part from inspiration such as the Provos, who managed to free themselves from the post-war conservatism of their home country. It’s not just them though; it’s their architects, painters, anarchists and the petty differences of the middle classes that make up the nature of Dutch football.

National identity it seems, dictates the national style of football. Does the argument stand up when you take a look at other nations? Seeing the almost drunken fashion in which the FAI have gone about stumbling from one failed conquest to another in the ‘race’ for Ireland manager, our administrators certainly resemble some of our fine nation on a Saturday night out. But actual footballing style?

The grinding nature of the Charlton era matched some very hard financial times; much like the flair players of the ultimately unsuccessful ‘70s side resembled the ramshackle trad music bands that delighted home crowds but often struggled abroad when it came to making the big breakthrough. Now we’re a nation who relies on foreign workers to prop up the workforce; should a decent continental coach get the job he will sit well with our mercenary friendly attitudes.

England’s style of play? Is there one? If there is, it resembles their white van man fan-base (try saying that ten times in a row) rather than the country as a whole - not subtle and can be accused of being brainless at times. Perhaps instead of protesting Provos, Fabio, Capello could look to Have I Got News for You for how to handle genuine talent in a large, often misguided organisation. Joe Cole as England’s Paul Merton? Privately educated Lamps as Ian Hislop? Owen Hargreaves as the anchor? It could work. It won’t, but it could.

Then there’s Spain; where Civil War pretty much defines their current squad and any in living memory. There’s also the slow method of carrying out their day (how many meals and breaks do they have anyway) that matches the patient build up of their football sides.

There’s gotta be some decent masters degree in the whole subject – after all if they can give college lectures on the science of superheroes then national football identities should have some of Mensa’s finest working on this topic.

Winner’s tale of the Dutch is a great read anyway… though I still wish that Kieft’s header had bounced harmlessly wide.
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Anyhoo, had to write on something other than the Premier League above as we have been battered over the head with it over Christmas. But much like Sam Allardyce’s wife (ref: Okeydoke Football’s entirely non-libelous Awards Show) we’re back for more so give us your best shot!

Tonight we’re podcasting and discussing the events of the Christmas period (winners: Chelsea, Arsenal; losers: Liverpool, Derby, and Newcastle). We’ll also have Pub Talk and comments.

Until then, belated Happy New Year, JJ

Okey Doke Football Podcast is available every Friday morning, subscribe here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/OkeyDokeFootball

With the end of the Euro 2008 qualifiers in sight, many people are finishing up with some very important questions on their mind. While the problems of Ireland and Wales are well worn topics, so I won’t go into them here (most of them rhyme with ‘banager’ though) there’s a few issues that are left outstanding now that – for the most part – the participants in world football’s second biggest showcase have been decided.

Here’s a rundown…

Should they stay or should they go?
While it’s fairly obvious that many of the men who have led sides to unsuccessful campaigns will lose their jobs, there’s a few that have fate in their own hands. Marco van Basten for one has led Holland to the championships after a rough start to the campaign.
However, with Chelsea supposedly sniffing around and with his old team-mates Carlo Ancelloti and Frank Rijkaard looking shaky in their current jobs, he could yet jump ship prior to next June. There is also the suspicion that the Dutch will be far less than the sum of their parts next year, as was the case in the last World Cup. The fact that many of the players would happily see their national coach head off may also point towards an early exit for Marco Goalo.
Slaven Bilic too has said that he would like to manage in England and the poker-faced Croatian could well make a move to a decent Premier League side in the coming months. With Alan Curbishley continuing to provide plenty of bills but little answers for West Ham could the former Hammer, Bilic end up at Upton Park? Personally I hope so; the guy always talks with intelligence and likes to play good football, just what the league needs. The new Luca Vialli perhaps.

Check their heads
Scotland. Ah, poor old Scotland. Nearly there, not quite, within a whisper… say it whichever way you want but they didn’t make it. While their achievements in their group no doubt deserved more (any country would struggle to qualify from their group ahead of Italy and France); football is cruel and Scotland won’t have a competitive game for the guts of a year. Will their players be able to get themselves up for another mammoth campaign? A lot, obviously, depends on the draw for the World Cup qualifiers but consider these two questions:
(a) Their start striker McFadden has been playing well above himself, can he continue to do this at a high level? And…
(b) Can they overcome their inability to beat middling Eastern European sides away from home? The victory away to France was amazing, but victories against the Ukraine and Georgia would, most likely, have seen them through. Games like this will almost certainly feature in the next qualifying series.

All in all, these aren’t massive challenges, but the assumption they will qualify for the next major tournament is something that might come back and bite them on the arse next time around.

Major tournament England
Will the lessons be learned from the World Cup? Will the hype die down? Will the players play down their chances? Will McClaren be brave enough to drop Beckham for a second time? Will be brave enough to separate Gerrard and Lampard in a major tournament game? I’m guessing… no, no, no, no and just for a change eh… no.

There will be a lot of water under the bridge and no doubt plenty of broken metatarsals in the headlines before England head out to the tournament but you suspect that come next June it’ll be the same damn story. They have some decent players and let’s hope that now it looks like they’ll get there they play some decent football as, though I hate myself for it, I always end up watching their games.

Coverage c**ts
Will the BBC and ITV provide decent, un-biased and interesting coverage? With not a hint of Jonathan Pearce and Clive Tyldesley to be found anywhere? Will they bollocks.

“And now over to pitchside where everyone is shifting nervously next to our man on the inside, Garth Crooks.”
“Slurp…thanks Gary.”

Some things never change: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cugYQ35vtvQ

Later, JJ

Okey Doke Football Podcast is available every Friday morning, subscribe here
http://feeds.feedburner.com/OkeyDokeFootball