There is only one place to start today – no not United being champions elect or anything to do with Chelsea but instead I’ll start with this oddly mesmerising image of the ‘Wengerbus’. Truly magnificent and the full glory is here. I hate Zoolander but for giving us this, the $50 million budget was worth it.

Anyway, back to matters sporting, and where to really start today… Avram Grant hanging on by a thread, Rafa Benitez supposedly heading off in the summer or Ronaldo being worth more than £100 million according to Carlos ‘rejected Bond bad guy’ Queiroz. In the crescendo that is the end of the season we have talks over who’s going where, how much money will be spent in the process and all of this goes on for the next three months.

In many papers’ minds, and with most sane individuals, the title race is over after Chelsea’s abject display yesterday which didn’t merit three points. All that’s left now is mathematical confirmation and a few commemorative pull outs from the more excitable tabloids. Hats off to Steve Bruce (good god that’s a difficult few words to write) for making some telling substitutions and bigger, novelty-size hats off to Chris Kirkland for keeping Chelsea at bay whenever they threatened… he didn’t even get injured in the process, what a guy.

As myself and Mark alluded to in last week’s podcast, were Chelsea to actually win the league it would remain one of life’s biggest mysteries for generations to come. Brutal football, complete boardroom turmoil and to be fair to Grant, some unfortunate injuries to key players. How could they do it?

What will be left after their failure in the league is the feeling that Mourinho’s Chelsea would’ve taken this title race by the scruff of the neck and won it; and while the Portugeezer’s demeanour in his latter days as Chelsea boss suggests that might not automatically be true, it will ring of truth in enough ears to send Grant packing come late May.

I’d suspect even a Champions League win would be ‘rewarded’ with a promotion upstairs within the club, a prospect that Grant wouldn’t fight either. So as Chelsea search for a new manager, the turmoil at Anfield will continue and I honestly think Benitez will go this summer to Real Madrid, Barcelona or possibly Inter Milan. I still believe his first choice is to stay at Liverpool but why should he at this stage? Another season of league mediocrity, which is the most likely outcome of him staying next year anyway, would only see his reputation damaged.

Right now, he has a huge profile around Europe and a very decent managerial record. The funny thing is that only three months ago it was the fans who wanted him out, but the truth of football is that decisions are always made in the boardroom rather than the terraces, no matter how many protests there are.

Elsewhere, Quieroz’s claims over Ronaldo’s worth are correct – the guy is so valuable to the club through the on the pitch performances and off the pitch revenue, they could never sell him. With 37 goals this year, only he could force a move and why would he at this stage? It may be that a few years down the line we’re looking at a Ronaldinho situation of a guy who has fallen out of love with the club but if that doesn’t happen, it’s hard to see United losing a stranglehold on the Premier League and possibly Europe.

Considering how flaky the rest of the big four have been of late, whether on the pitch or off, the happy house that is Old Trafford will continue to dominate and Fergie may well laugh into that glass of fine Bordeaux. Even with the mediocre performances of late that Mark mentioned yesterday, they’re still untouchable. Ah feck it, let's look at the Wengerbus again.

JJ

Considering the fact that the PFA tend to ballot their members in November over who should get player of the season, I don’t feel too much guilt the idea of giving out a preliminary bizarro team of the season. The bizarro concept comes originally from Superman, became a brilliant idea on Seinfeld and is far more fun than picking a team of the season so far.

In bizarro world people say goodbye when they greet someone and hello when they leave; so you can pretty much guess I’m going for the side that will be so far away from the team of the season that it’ll be a surprise if they’re still professional footballers come June, never mind winning accolades and shiny new contracts.

1. Steven Bywater: Derby are an awful side but they were never helped by a truly brutal keeper. Will be remembered with the same awe and respect as that Swindon keeper I can’t remember from a decade ago. So, not remembered then. Brutal.

2. Stephen Carr: Grumpy, out of form, overrated for a good five years now and no longer playing for Ireland. Not a good man in a scrap these days Keggy.

3. John Arne Riise: A truly poor season thus far for the Norwegian who used up all his decent goals this year in the pre-season friendlies. Not the worst left back in the league, but certainly the one who has underperformed more than any other.

4. Martin Taylor: The Brum defender will be the subject of plenty of ‘where are they now’ articles in the coming years. He was a journey man up until this season and will go back to that soon enough you’d have to think.

5. Darren Leacock. For this headband alone. Eric Young would turn in his grave were he actually dead and not merely on ebay.

6. Joey Barton (captain): The fulcrum of the side, Barton would hold this motley crew together were it not for a few court dates getting in the way of team bonding. He will never win any awards voted for by other players, the general public or in fact any popularity contest whatsoever. Newcastle of course will make sure he never wins an actual trophy as well

7. Stilian Petrov: One of the few blemishes within Villa’s frankly annoying rise up the table. Generally, he looks like a timid music prodigy thrown into a game being played at a home for young offenders.

8. Steve Sidwell: Money grabbing ginge. Hello West Ham next season then. “I just wanted regular football… and eh, the signing on fee as well obviously.”

9. Anthony Stokes: Partyboy himself. Banned from a local nightclub to ensure he stayed a good boy, he’s been stuck on the left wing for most of the season looking fierce bitter altogether. Accusations of pampered Irish stars aren’t just in our heads people.

10. Diomansy Kamara: One of Lawrie Sanchez’s luxury buys in the summer has done nothing for his new side and is greeted with moans of derision whenever introduced at Craven Cottage. A Championship striker for a Championship club, so next season at Fulham will suit him just fine.

11. Antonio Valencia: Continually lauded by Paul Jewell, this fella obviously has talent but doesn’t seem to fancy showing it off at Wigan. Though, yeah trying to show class at Wigan is a tad difficult. Just look at Steve Bruce’s shirts.

Later, JJ

Those of you who don’t live in Ireland will surely have heard of RTE pundit Eamonn Dunphy at this stage. He’s the guy who called Niall Quinn a creep on air; he’s pissed off every Irish manager in my lifetime and changes his opinions on Arsenal and Man United without batting an eyelid. He’s the guy who said Alex Ferguson had reached the end of his reign in 2005 and that they wouldn’t contend for the Premier League last season. Then a few months ago talked about how Ferguson was the fulcrum of a “special club” who don’t react to knee-jerk press reactions after a bad performance.

He also claimed that Sven Goran Eriksson and Garth Crooks had a little more than an interviewer/interviewee relationship. But in amongst a lot of hyperbole, he makes a lot of sense too.

Gerard Houllier for instance, was seen as a football incompetent long before any of his peers; he saw that Ruud Gullit was a “spoofer”; that Brian Kerr’s paranoia was affecting the players; that over-rated players like Gerrard, Lampard, Beckham, Ferdinand and even Henry were more hype than substance and was more than prepared to stand over these views. In short, between the nonsense and the sense, there is a little bit of a national treasure there and certainly one who makes RTE’s Champions League nights far more interesting than Jamie Redknapp and the rest of the guff brigade at Sky and ITV.

Of course many of you will have heard of Dunphy from his work on Roy Keane’s autobiography; a solid read but one great big wasted opportunity in my opinion. I read an article by the superb Paul Kimmage some time back that told of how Dunphy had (if I remember correctly) barely looked at the transcripts of his interviews with Keane with only about six weeks left to his publisher’s deadline. If memory serves correct, someone had been hired to transcribe the tapes as well, something which can definitely create problems for a writer when trying to decide how a book should flow.

Kimmage, who produced an excellent autobiography of Tony Cascarino a few years back (though Cascarino’s propensity for spinning tales makes you take a lot of what is said with a pinch of salt), also wanted to write Keane’s book and had informal chats with him about doing so. Personally, I think Kimmage or several other journalists would have done a better job considering what an interesting subject Keane was at the time and still is today.

A few years down the line and Dunphy is obviously not so under Keane’s thumb as he once was. This week, during a radio interview he called the Sunderland manager a ‘bullshitter’ who should concentrate on his job instead of getting involved in things that didn’t concern him. Again, it’s most likely Dunphy’s attempt at proving he’s no one’s puppet and he also clearly desires to be as controversial as possible as often as he can.

The full rant reads as follows: “I know Roy well and the one thing he hated when I knew him and when we were working on that book, he hated the bullshit that was part of manager-speak and part of player-speak. And now he holds these lengthy press conferences every week in which he anoints David O’Leary to be the next Ireland manager, anoints Terry Venables as the next Ireland manager, he’s talked about the Cork GAA dispute, talked about how wonderful it is for the Premier League to play more games abroad and he’s just become rent-a-quote. And it’s quite extraordinary. This is a sharp, smart, outstanding human being and he’s just been sucked into that awful Premier League vacuousness and it’s sad to see Roy Keane bullshitting, but he is. But there you go. It happens.”

Keane’s press conferences have become a regular fixture on Sky Sports and BBC certainly, but it’s not due to bullshit and easy headlines alone. It’s more to do with his propensity to actually talk about topics that other managers won’t touch. He’ll talk about other people’s players; he’ll talk about other managers and he’ll talk about things that have absolutely nothing to do with Sunderland. It’s great, why not upset the apple cart; why not piss off everyone else in the league. Frankly, this time around I think Dunphy has got the wrong end of the stick.

The RTE man is surely aware that Keane gets asked some of the most inane questions known to man each week. Sky, BBC and local radio reporters want quick, easy quotes for unchallenging stories that are lapped up by most. But Keane, unlike most, complicates matters for his own entertainment as much as anything.

So far in the Premier League’s history it seems that only the Corkman and the genius of Gordan Strachan have ever tried to subvert the interviews with some sense and a little humour. ‘Gordon can we have a quick word’, one Sky hack asked the Scotsman while he was in charge of Southampton. ‘Velocity’ he replied and walked up the tunnel. His chat about yoghurts nearing their sell by date troubling him more than player injuries was also a classic.

And indeed, so was this exchange…

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

In amongst the guff that Keane has to tell reporters, like Strachan, he provides the odd gem on players bringing in milk, Craig Gordon’s hairstyle and Dwight Yorke enjoying a good ride… on a bicycle that is.

Dunphy, like myself and Mark, has perhaps found that this Champions League-less period of the season makes it damn harder to come up with decent things to write about (and yes if you think this post is a bunch of shite, I get the irony).

Most likely, in a few weeks time, if Sunderland get closer to guaranteeing safety in the league, Dunphy will once again be singing from the rooftops about Keane. I suppose there are just certain times when you shouldn’t take what the manager or the journalist say very seriously at all.

But, despite Eamo's faults, there is never a time when this doesn’t deserve to be watched again.

Later, JJ

PS: We’re recording the podcast tomorrow night so we’ll be online on Thursday morning. If you haven’t voted by the way, and you happen to like our podcast, can you give us the nod for 'Best Football Podcast' over at Soccerlens. We’re in a royal rumble for the title so get your friends, their friends and people you barely know to vote for us. Cheers.

Okey Doke Football Podcast is available every Friday morning, subscribe here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/OkeyDokeFootball

People are idiots. A person can be a fine, fully operational individual with positively genius ideas, but people as a mass, talked of as one entire organism, become a lumbering moron devoid of rational thought. After Mike Ashley made the mistake of becoming one of ‘the people’, he listened to mob idiocy rather than basic sense and appointed Kevin Keegan.

Now, Liverpool seem to be going one step further as fans of the club may well decide to take over the entire team. 100,000 of them. 100,000 Mike Ashley’s with £5,000 investments. Good God, the thought of it. Mark’s post on Ebbsfleet United last November pointed to some of the difficulties but also some of the excitement that can come when fans take over a club. Admittedly, the Liverpool supporters concerned will not be picking the team, and are investing far more than those involved with the Ebbsfleet project, but to me the plan sounds just as far fetched.

The people involved - football business lecturer and Liverpool fan Rogan Taylor, former director of communications at the Premier League Phil French, and lawyer Kevin Jacquiss (who is listed by the BBC as “an expert in launching co-operatives”) – all sound like reasonable individuals to start off the investment. But it all has the air of floating on the stock exchange about it. In the long term that model didn’t work for Spurs or any other club that I can think of.

Right now, it’s claimed this model would have more in common with the Barcelona system of ‘membership’ whereby everyone who pays a yearly fee gets first dibs on tickets, a membership card and a vote in the elections when a new president is being decided. Is this really the way Liverpool wants to go?

To have the club involved in Spanish style club elections where presidents make ludicrous claims of signing the biggest players in the world to sway the voting fans? The kind of tactics that has often left Barcelona in a mess (they’ve had plenty of barren years in amongst their success due to internal turmoil); the kind of politics that left Real Madrid having to be saved by the Spanish Government who bought their training ground for an insanely inflated fee?

David Moores and Rick Parry certainly have to take some blame for where the club is now – on the brink of collapse on the field; turmoil off the field and little hope of any more money coming in for signings. The two scousers spent several years trying to bring investment into the club, turning down many ‘unsuitable’ bids in the process. That’s why when they settled on Hicks and Gillett most Liverpool fans felt they were in the right hands. We had good reason. Surely after years of searching, Moores and Parry had gotten an indication that these were the men to bring the club forward. Both, I feel, are culpable for the massive mess the club now lies in.

All of this has led to this morning’s news about the fan takeover and such headlines - such absolutely outrageous unworkable ideas – show how low the club is feeling at present. At this rate, I’d stake a fair few quid on Liverpool beating United’s 27 years without winning the league. They may even hit 30. After spending the guts of a decade looking for the right fit, Moores and Parry must take a share of blame at least for setting the side back for possibly a further ten years.

Later, JJ

Okey Doke Football Podcast tonight where we discuss football jailbirds, Defoe and Cashley's ugly birds on the side as well as much, much more. Subscribe here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/OkeyDokeFootball

I once met a Geordie with the Newcastle crest tattooed on the top of his bald head and the Newcastle Brown Ale star on the back of his noggin to boot. To put his general state of mind in perspective, I only found out this information after he walked into the pub I was working in and took off his sombrero. His name was Kev. Anyway Kev liked to drink and I couldn’t understand a word he said. Leading me to ask his children to translate his conversational points; with the general response being ‘eh he’d like another beer please’. All in all though, a decent fella.

I don’t really wanna talk much about Newcastle today so instead I’ll just assume that this morning Kev woke up a happy man. Most likely a hungover man as well, but a happy bloke nonetheless due to the return of Kevin Keegan. Personally, I think it’ll be a disaster, and there is a bit of a suspicion that beyond the leery fans BBC caught on camera last night welcoming ‘King Kev’ home, there’s still plenty of people in that area who think this is a ridiculous appointment. Good luck to them and thank god that story is at an end.

Elsewhere in the news today, we have the excellent story of Rocky Baptiste and Havant & Waterlooville heading for Anfield in the fourth round of the FA Cup. They might get hammered but at the very least, this story, along with Luton’s initial draw with the lumbering Liverpool, have made for a decent start to the competition.

Okay, once your side goes out (and sometimes while they’re still in the competition), FA Cup weekends are unbearable (though the odd bet tends to liven things up). Instead of watching decent Premier League action you’re faced with watching Coventry and you hear the word ‘romance’ related to 22 men and a soggy pitch far too often. Actually, yeah… come to think of it, I hate the FA Cup… so down with Havant! And down with Waterlooville too! The poor man’s Trinidad and Tobago.

Looking towards the weekend, thankfully there is no FA Cup in sight but instead a rerun of the fixtures from the first week of this season. United playing Reading away in what could be a tricky assignment; Arsenal are away at Fulham without the threat of Jens Lehmann throwing a few goals in David Healy’s direction; and most intriguingly Spurs face Sunderland.

The latter two produced a horrendously poor opener to the season, only lit up by Michael Chopra’s goal in the last minute – the goal which proved to be the beginning of the ugly, mishandled end of Martin Jol’s reign at Spurs. What’s that coming over the hill Roy? It’s a fucking pasting. I’m predicting a huge win for Spurs here; at least three nil. And after that outrageous prediction, here’s a few quick ones to follow up.


Birmingham v Chelsea: Hmmm…. After last week anything is possible, sod it I’ll go for a draw 2-2.
Blackburn v Middlesbrough: Blackburn back on track and Boro’s form usually dips after any decent result so 2-0.
Fulham v Arsenal: Continuing on this week’s theme of teams managed by guys called Roy losing… 1-3
Portsmouth v Derby: If Portsmouth don’t win this game, they may never score a home goal again. They will though, 2-0
Reading v Man. United: Solid 1-2 win, though that Reading one will be a late consolation. I state this as fact.
Tottenham v Sunderland: See above.
Newcastle v Bolton: The return of… ah forget it. 0-1, just to piss off romantics everywhere.
Wigan v Everton: 1-1 (bad, bad game)
Man. City v West Ham: 1-1 (might be better than last night’s bad, bad game)
Liverpool v Aston Villa: 1-1 (bad, bad times for Pool)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Podcast this evening folks where we’ll be discussing results, this weeks’ fixtures, Pub Talk featuring Cookie Coleman; Lusty Lita; and eh… Simple Souness. Then, oh yes at last, we’ll be hating Alan Shearer. In fact I think we should do a three week series…

Week 1: Hate Alan Shearer
Week 2: Hate Alan Shearer Harder
Week 3: Hate Alan Shearer with a Vengeance

I can see us finding a wide audience with that. Anyway, it’ll be online tomorrow morning so until then folks.

Later - JJ

Okey Doke Football Podcast is available every Friday morning, subscribe here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/OkeyDokeFootball

JJ

Okey Doke Football Podcast is available every Friday morning, subscribe here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/OkeyDokeFootball

Why is that even with all their money they just can’t get it right eh? I mean it can’t be that hard, not when it’s a global brand who espouse their world domination through relentless marketing. There has to be research done, there has to be questions asked, there must be an inquiry I say.

Why is it, that McDonald’s has without doubt the worst ketchup on the planet?

I ate there recently after pints with Mark and it was my first visit in some time (not that I’m not a junk food eater but I’m normally a kebab man), and it was dirt. A salty mess of redness that has never been within 50 yards of a tomato.

In today’s blog I was going to go on a rant about the Premier League trying to fool us all into thinking they have a great product when in fact they only have more exposure and bigger stars than any other league. But then I realised that if McDonald’s have been getting away with their red gunk for decades, that it’s just the way of a global brand to make people believe they’re getting the best for their money.

Forget the ketchup, McDonalds say. We’ve got the Big Mac. Forget the rumours of corruption the Premier League tells us. We’ve got Grand Slam Sunday. Two completely different matters but we (and by ‘we’ I mean football-gorging, can drinking, fast food eating men like those at the OkeydokeFootball ranch) swallow both stories up all the time and accept our lot. Crap ketchup and Boro v Bolton. It’s just the life we’ve chosen.

I feel Mark’s attempt to repel from all this evil (the Premier League, not McDonald’s) yesterday was noble; yes we can all get a little sick of the game but we can’t really step away from it. Much like we should get in a cab after a belly full of pints but instead feel the need to top off that belly with a burger and chips; it’s in our nature. As Mark realised by the end of his rant, there is no escaping it.

However, despite this addiction, it’s never been a problem to do a Grange Hill on it and ‘Just Say No’ to watching Celtic games. Last night’s away day at Milan had little to appeal about it. An AC side virtually through, a Celtic side playing for a draw; even the most blinkered of Hoops fans – with their Celtic cross tattoos on their arms and ironed tracksuit bottoms for court – must have known this would be a stinker.

At 93-minutes I flicked over and saw that despite being one-nil down their fans were celebrating after Shaktar’s surprising home defeat to a fairly average Benfica side. Talk about feeling your decision was justified.

Of more interest tonight will be Arsenal’s visit to Newcastle which has plenty of decent subplots. With Fat Sam struggling to revive his career in the land of brown ale and shirtless supporters, he needs a decent result and who comes to town but a team who can feel justified in claiming to be the best in Europe at present. However, Arsenal are managed by a man whose sides often came up short against Allardyce’s former team Bolton. The Bolton team who played a system that Fat Sam is determined to inflict (and yes inflict is the right word here) on Newcastle.

The Gunners are also a side that still haven’t got more than a point when they travelled north of the midlands this season having drawn at Blackburn and Liverpool. And let’s not forget the injuries to Flamini, Fabregas and Hleb, with the useful Abou Diaby also out; indeed those first three have proven to be match-winners for them on a good few occasions this year already.

It’d be a huge upset if Newcastle do manage to pinch even a point... but feck it anyway, I’ll go for one-all, with at least one side finishing with ten men. Though, at this point I’d like to publicly denounce Fat Sam for not signing Patrick Berger during the summer and giving me a decent sign off joke for this blog.

Fat bastard…

Later, JJ

The Okey Doke Football Podcast is available every Friday morning, subscribe here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/OkeyDokeFootball