Welcome back students. It’s time to learn about the 2nd Law of Soccer, The Law of the Balls. Sounds dirty, I know, but let’s try and keep giggling to a minumum please. So, as I was saying, there are many laws one must abide by when it comes to balls. They must be the right shape and size, they must be leathery to the touch, and – most importantly - they must feel right when they are being cradled in the ref’s hands. I said no giggling! Some people are actually trying to learn.

If we can’t pay attention, I guess we will just have to do another pop quiz. Which of the following soccer balls could reach the pitch in a FIFA “official” match”

A. A spherical, leather ball 28 inches in circumference with a 16 oz. weight with a “FIFA Approved” logo affixed.

B. A spherical, plastic ball 27 inches in circumference with a 14 oz. weight with a “FIFA Inspected” logo affixed.

C. Any spherical ball made of FIFA “approved suitable material” that doesn’t advertise for anything other than FIFA.

D. All of the Above.

If you guessed (D), you may be a genius, but you also are a frequent reader of this site, which means you are more likely not. The answer is always “All of the Above” when it comes to the Laws of the Game. I guess when it comes to the ball, as long as it is close to the same size, shape and weight, who cares what material it is made out of.

I am sure vegan players would probably prefer less leather, but who cares what vegan players prefer (if they even exist without protein pills). To make a short story long, the 2nd Law of Soccer may be about “Balls”, but it is really about the most important piece of equipment in the game. After all, only when you play with balls can you score. 

If you think about it. The ball is to soccer what fate is to life. Sometimes it finds you in the right place at the right time, and other times you cough it up because you hesitated on an empty net. Sometimes in both soccer and life, you start out with two perfectly fresh new balls, and you end up losing one in an ugly defensive scuffle and have only a single muddy ball and an otherwise completely empty ball sack. Who doesn’t know that feeling?

Seriously guys, stop giggling… Class is dismissed, but remember to do your homework because in a few days we will be closely examining the laws that apply to players while they are vigorously playing with their balls.

OK, I did that last one on purpose…

Background: Let me admit my bias right up front. Other than a slew of US MNT greats, Carlos Valderrama is my favorite soccer player ever. How could he not be? I grew up in Tampa when MLS was created, and he was the Mutiny’s first (and only) superstar. Despite my bias, I still think he belongs on this list, and I’ll tell you why.

Career: Valderrama was 35 when MLS began, but when you saw him on the field you would have sworn he was 25. His MLS career took him from TB to Miami back to TB and finally to Colorado. Wherever he went, he was renowned for his dribbling and passing. He dictated the flow of the game, and he never seemed to tire as games ran long.

Honors: During the 1996 inaugural season, he led the team to the Supporters Shield and was named MVP. He’s 2nd all-time in assists, though he played in 100 less games than #1. He had style, skill and the most fantastic hair in league history. He was named to the MLS All-Time Best XI too. He was the best playmaker to ever take the pitch in MLS.

Legacy: I know from my perspective, no single player was more integral to making me a fan of the league than Carlos. He had it all. The skill. The flair. The hair. He deserves this spot, and I would want a wig of his for memorabilia in my Hall of Fame. All vistors could try it on, too. Well, so long as you don’t have lice, of course. You don’t, right?

Background: BMO Field is the home of Toronto FC and I think it’s the best venue in MLS. Why? Well, because (A) it’s a modern marvel, (B) it’s fan friendly, and (C) it’s always filled to capacity with fanatics screaming their heads off. It’s Canada’s answer to the HDC and it is truly the finest field in MLS in my humble opinion. Reds’ fans should be delighted. Construction: After a one year build and scores of millions of Canadian dollars were invested, BMO field opened in 2007 with much fanfare. Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment Ltd. complied with Commissioner Don Garber’s wishes by making the stadium soccer specific and ensuring it would be a “state of the art” venue. Now, it’s MLS’s best. Features: BMO Field has it all (luxury suites, great design for viewing, etc. etc.). The one place it sort of sucks is its pitch, which is made of FieldTurf rather than natural grass. Mr. Beckham himself expressed his displeasure with the surface. But, despite this one glaring flaw, I think BMO Field still deserves top honors, and the next category is why. Fans: There is simply no better atmosphere in MLS than BMO Field. Toronto’s fans are insane about their team, and their joy during games is simply unparalleled. In fact, it is sold out for every game, and there are so many tens of thousands of people on the waiting list for season tickets, the owners are going to add another 6,000 seats. It’s the best place to watch MLS soccer because of this fanatical environment, so that’s why it’s #1 on this list. I hope you all have enjoyed this ranking of the five finest venues in MLS soccer. Please let me know in the comments if I omitted your favorite stadium. Until then, keep coming back to STO for the best news and commentary on the vast interwebs. Peace.

Week 2 (04/01) 

Last Week’s Ranking in Parenthesis…

1. Chicago (3): How do you seize #1 with a tie? Do it on the road without your two best defenders, that’s how. 
2. Seattle (7): From last to second in two weeks. Wow. If they convincingly beat TOR this week, they will be #1.
3. Chivas USA (5): Back-to-back wins has Preki feeling good about his ”no name” squad, and I like them too. 
4. Columbus (1): After back-to-back ties, CMB has slipped from its perch. Their schedule now becomes brutal.
5. Toronto (6): TOR should maybe be even higher up. A well-fought draw and a win have them off to a hot start.
6. New England (8): Two gutsy performances in a row (without many starters) has NER rising up the ranks.
7. Houston (2): A very tough loss for HOU drops them a ton and their schedule isn’t going to get any easier. 
8. Salt Lake (4):  RSL falls far due to their loss to SEA. But they will be at home this week, so I think they’ll rise.
9. San Jose (15): Want to climb up quick? Beat last year’s West Champ by scoring three goals, and you do it.
10. Colorado (14): COL has some spunk. A nice win in their home opener has pushed them into the Top 10. 
11. D.C. (12): Two weeks, two draws for DCU. They haven’t looked poor, but they have been mediocre thus far. 
12. New York (11): They outplayed NER for 89 minutes. But, an unfortunate tie at home moves them down again. 
13. L.A. (13): They didn’t play, so they don’t move this week in the rankings. I still don’t think too much of them. 
14. Kansas City (9): KC hasn’t looked poor, but the results (2 losses) have landed them all the way down here. 
15. Dallas (10): DAL has looked terribly bad. If not for Cooper’s 60 yarder last week, they would still have 0 goals.

Week 2 (03/26) 

Last Week’s Ranking in Parenthesis…

1. Columbus (1): The Crew forced an important tie thanks to GBS. They were tenacious, so they hold on to #1.
2. Houston (2):  HOU almost beat the defending champs, but gave up a late goal. They still hang on to #2 spot.
3. Chicago (3):  A very impressive win for the Fire, but DAL looked bleak, so they don’t move up any here.
4. Salt Lake (4):  They didn’t play, so I won’t move them up or down. Tough matchup with SEA this week though.
5. Chivas USA (7): I thought this team would be scrappy, and they proved it when they held on for 3 points. 
6. Toronto (9): A thrilling win on the road has TFC climbing this week. Only time will tell how far they can go. 
7. Seattle (15): I sure didn’t see that coming. Accept my apologies SEA fans. Montero looks like the real deal.
8. New England (10): It was ugly, but it was a road win nonetheless. Tip of the hat to Nicol for the big win.
9. Kansas City (6): Losing at home when you score two goals is bad. Doing it against TFC is even worse. 
10. Dallas (8): I think the Fire are darn good, so I can’t drop DAL too far. They need more defense though. 
11. New York (5): Wow. No one looked worse than they did last week. No one. They’re dropping down quickly. 
12. D.C. (11): Sure, they kind of got hosed on the handball call, but you still can’t collapse like that, even vs. LAG.
13. L.A. (12): Landycakes may have secured the tie, but overall the Gals didn’t impress. Could be a long 2009. 
14. Colorado (14): It was a hard fought game, but a loss all the same. I bet COL loses many games by one goal.
15. San Jose (13): Other than NYRB, no team was more disappointing than SJE. Huckerby looked very poor.

The 1923 FA Cup Final deserves recognition on this list. In fact, I almost put it higher up as it was the first ever Final played at Wembley Stadium. As the occasion was historic, King George V himself was present to award the Cup to Bolton after they bested West Ham United 2-0 in one of the most exciting and controversial Finals ever played.

The Final is remembered almost more for the chaos surrounding it than the game itself. As it was the first football match ever played in Wembley Stadium, you can imagine many folks wanted to be present inside the stadium. Well, the new venue only held 125,000 people, but over 300,000 tried to push through the turnstiles.

The result was that thousands of spectators ended up on the actual pitch during the game. In fact, when corner kicks were taken, guards on horseback had to clear the perimeter of the field so the players could have room to manuever. The difficulty the guards had controlling the large crowd led to many new safety measures being instituted.

The game itself was also chaotic. Bolton was a First Division superpower while West Ham United was a Second Division squad that had only been recognized by the FA four years earlier. Bolton won the game 2-0, but some people say the second goal was actually assisted by a spectator standing just off the pitch. It was a chaotic scene and a significant match, so I think it belongs on this list even though the game’s final score was perhaps unfair.

Every sports writer seems to do ”Power Rankings” nowadays. I am not sure if they do it just so they always have one article a week in the bag, or if they are ordered to by some higher power (i.e. their editor).  Rather than buck the trend, I have decided to also provide a weekly MLS Power Ranking for you devoted STO readers out there to devour.  

So, here are my Week 1 Power Rankings. Note that I am doing these prior to Week 1 so they are sort of Preseason Power Rankings, but I wanted my Power Rankings for the rest of the season to match the schedule, so I opted for this method.

1. Columbus: Sigi is gone but the Crew is still the class of MLS. I just couldn’t place them anywhere but #1 for now.
2. Houston: I think HOU may eventually end up #1 on this list. But, they will be #2 until they can take out CMB.
3. Chicago: The Fire could get off to a hot start this year, but I think they finish behind CMB and HOU for the SS.
4. Salt Lake: I am putting them here to make amends for bashing them at the start of ‘08. I think they’re stellar.
5. New York: So long as Angel is healthy, NYRB will be tough to beat, but if he goes down, so will their ranking.
6. Kansas City: Conrad & Co. need to score a slew of goals this year, or they will slowly trickle down this list.
7. Chivas USA: The Goats are an enigma. I think they may eventually prove me wrong for putting them here.
8. Dallas: The Former Burn will need a severe rash of good play early to blaze their way up my power rankings.
9. Toronto: The Reds have improved greatly, but I still don’t think it will be enough to get them in the playoffs.
10. New England: I think they will be worse in ‘09 than in ‘08, and I really don’t think they were that good in ‘08.
11. D.C.: I almost put United even lower here. Maybe Gomez will return them to greatness, but I doubt it for now.
12. L.A.: I definitely wanted to put them lower here, but they have the most to prove, so I think they will improve.
13. San Jose: They were improving at the end of last year, but I think the O still needs substantial renovations.
14. Colorado: I think the Rapids will be very poor in ‘09. Home fans at the Dick seem to be in for a long, limp year.
15. Seattle: You have to start at the bottom, it’s tradition. Your team may suck Seattle, but at least you have one.

I am not a fortune-teller, I lack psychic powers, and I am definitely no prophet, so take these predictions with a grain of salt. I have consulted the league rosters (not tarot cards or the stars) to come up with a slew of predictions for the 2009 MLS Season. Here they are. If they do all somehow turn out to be right, it will be luck, so please do not burn me at the stake.

Regular Season Standings:

East:

1. Columbus
2. Chicago
3. New York
4. Kansas City
5. New England
6. Toronto
7. D.C.

West:

1. Houston
2. Salt Lake
3. Chivas USA
4. Dallas
5. L.A.
6. San Jose
7. Colorado
8. Seattle

Supporters Shield: Columbus (again)

MLS Cup: Chicago

Individual Awards:

MVP: Guillermo Barros Schelotto (again)

Golden Boot: Juan Pablo Angel

Defender of the Year: Jimmy Conrad

Goalkeeper of the Year: Pat Onstad

Coach of the Year: Jason Kreis

Comeback Player of the Year: Taylor Twellman

Rookie of the Year: Steve Zakuani

(Fictional) Bust of the Year: Freddie Ljungberg, the “Swedish Becks”

2009 MLS Best XI:

Goalie: Pat Onstad

Defense: Chad Marshall, Jimmy Conrad, Drew Moor

Midfield: Guillermo Barros Schelotto, Sacha Kljestan, Javier Morales, Steve Ralston, Cuauhtemoc Blanco

Forward: Landon Donovan, Juan Pablo Angel

So, that’s it folks, those are my ultimately useless predictions for the 2009 MLS season. Will any of them be correct? Well, maybe one or two. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then, right? My 2009 MLS Season Preview Series is now complete. Please keep coming back to STO throughout the season for the best MLS news, commentary and analysis on the vast ocean of interwebs.

The Recent Results: The Quakes were bad last year, but what could you expect from an expansion side? Their defense was quite stingy, but the offense was pretty poor. In fact, though they ended up tied for the fewest points in the league with the Gals, they scored only about half the goals LA did. But, they were improving at season’s end, unlike LA.

The Man in Charge: Frank Yallop is one of my favorite coaches. I love the fact he was crucial to SJE’s first two MLS Cup titles. I also love that he managed to escape the Gals and then tie them for low man on the MLS totem pole last season. Most of all though, I love him because he played for my (sniff) contracted Tampa Bay Mutiny.

On the Offensive: Darren Huckerby, who I call the “Sheriff of Nottingham” because he was born in Nottingham, England, is definitely the Quakes best offensive threat. In only 14 games last season, he scored six goals and had four assists. Who are his merry men? Well, in 2009 he will have help from Alvarez, Convey, O’Brien and Corrales.

For the Defense: SJE fields one of the better backlines in MLS and the new Seattle squad should be adopting their model of building from back to front. Joe Cannon is a fine keeper and Hernandez, Denton, Cochrane and especially Nick Garcia are strong defenders. SJE could make a run at the playoffs if they can score closer to two goals a game in ‘09.

Movie They Resemble: Well, since I obviously love my “Sheriff of Nottingham” nickname for Huckerby, I am going to go with Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Now, I hate that this movie features two of Hollywood’s all-time biggest douchebags, Kevin Costner and Christian Slater, but hear my out. Like Robin’s merry men, SJE tried to rob from the rich (via the expansion draft) to give to the poor (the local fans who had to watch while Houston residents celebrated their team’s titles). So, I think it’s a fitting selection. Of course, this pick also means I will have to start calling Cunliffe by the nickname “Little John”, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.

The Recent Results: OK, obviously I don’t have much to discuss in this section seeing as how the Sounders have no recent results. I will say this though - luckily for Seattle, they are geographically next to the Pacific, so they will at least get to play in the weak Western Conference this year. I would much rather be stuck there than the beastly East.

The Man in Charge: Sigi Schmid has proven time and again that he is one of the best MLS coaches in the league’s history. He won two Supporters Shields and an MLS Cup in LA only to be tossed out on his ass because his brand of soccer wasn’t sexy enough. Last year, he completed the MLS Double with CMB while the Gals sucked. Who’s sexy now?

On the Offensive: Seattle will likely experience some growing pains worse than anything Kirk Cameron went through when it comes to the attack this season. Nate Jaqua is a big target up top, but he is reputed to be a chronic underachiever. Who else do they have? Le Toux? He’s unproven. Ljungberg? He’s injured. It could be a long season.

For the Defense: The Sounders’ defense actually doesn’t look so bad. Putting Keller between the posts helps a ton, but they have also procured some experienced guys like as Nathan Sturgis, James Riley, Tyson Wahl, Tyrone Marshall and youngster Patrick Ianni. If I were Sigi, I might opt for a 6-3-1 formation for the first few games.

Movie They Resemble: OK, I was obviously joking there and I do not think Mr. Schmid should play six defenders for the Sounders. But, if I were him, I wouldn’t be afraid to tinker with a five defender set. After all, they are the new team. So, for their movie, I am going to go with The New Guy. Was it an awful movie? Yes. Am I simply using it because it is almost 4:00 a.m. and I am trying to finish all of these previews in one night? Maybe. But that film does make sense if you think about it. Just like in the movie, the Sounders, as “the new guy”, are almost guaranteed to get their butts kicked this year. All they can do is take their lumps and try to do better next season. The only other movie I even considered was Coneheads. I didn’t come up with it as a slight to Mr. Ljungberg, I simply was trying to find one movie (any movie) that Drew Carey had appeared in that people would have seen. Well, he was in that one folks, as a passenger in a taxi. If you blinked during the film, you probably missed it though. Sadly, I have a feeling a lot of people will feel the same way about this Sounders’ season. It’s going to be fun (or at least funny), but ultimately forgettable.