Team Overview: Burnley will make their debut in the Prem in 2009/2010 after achieving promotion this year. Next year will mark their first return to the top flight of English football in thirty years. Way back in the day, they won two 1st Division titles and one FA Cup, but it has been more than half a century since the Clarets won it all.

Top Performers: Martin Paterson helped Burnley make it back to the bigs with 13 goals and 4 assists, while Graham Alexander put up nice numbers (10 goals and 5 assists) to also assist the team in their promotion run. But, the squad’s MVP was Brian Jensen, the burly Burnley GK who stifled opponents’ offenses and ceded only 1.13 GAA.

Highest Highs: Burnley’s highest high came at the end of the season – of course – when they went on a brilliant run to achieve promotion. They beat Reading (who had bested them 3-1 earlier), shut out 2 straight squads and bested Sheffield United 1-0 in the playoff match to advance to the Prem. They certainly overcame some long odds in ‘09.

Lowest Lows: Burnley’s slow start threatened their promotion run; in fact, they didn’t win a match the first month of the season. They rebounded though with four wins the next month. They also struggled on the road this year, losing more games than they won. Their defense also was less than stellar, ceding a whopping 60 goals this season.

Future Outlook: Burnley’s offense exploded for 72 goals this season (2nd best in the 2nd tier), but next year they will face tougher defenses. Meanwhile, their own defense needs to improve quickly or they will be embarassed against top flight teams next year. They must bring in anyone and everyone who can help keep the ball out of the net.

Briefing: Agent Michael Owen (aka “the Jaded Jaguar”) has one of the longest histories of any MNT member, yet he lately has been omitted from important events. In nearly 90 appearances with the MNT, he has scored a whopping 40 goals, but his increasing age and proneness to injury have slowed his ascent. Still, I think he will be around in 2010.

Special Skills: Agent Owen became a legend at Liverpool, where he won the Player of the Year Award and many other trophies. Unfortunately, injuries derailed his once promising career, and though he still performs quite well, many experts fear he will never again be the player he once was. He still has a lot left in the tank though, in my opinion.

International Actions: Agent Owen has been a part of Mission 1998, Mission 2002 and Mission 2006. Though he delighted fans and frustrated defenses during all three Cups, he was injured during Mission 2006 and he has not returned to top form since. Now, Director Capello seems to be overlooking Agent Owen as Mission 2010 approaches.

Mission: Agent Owen’s mission, should he decide to accept it, will be to battle his way back into the MNT starting lineup. To do so, he must prove that he still has the attacking instinct and nose for the net that once made him a stalwart for the MNT. The agency will need goals to eliminate their enemies, and few in the nation’s history have scored as many as Agent Owen. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Briefing: Agent Theo Walcott (aka “Slade’s Blade”) is a rising star for the MNT and one must imagine he will play a large role in Mission 2010. Despite being young in age (20), Agent Walcott has already established himself as an exciting winger and perhaps the future of the MNT. If he can stay healthy, he could be just what the MNT needs.

Special Skills: Agent Walcott is reputed to be one of the fastest players in the world. After dominating lower level competition, he became a Gunner, and expectations were so high he was awarded Henry’s #14 jersey. But, injuries have hampered his development and slowed his ascension into the MNT’s hierarchy. He is still a dangerous threat though.

International Actions: Agent Walcott, believe it or not, was selected for the MNT’s Mission 2006 despite the fact he was only 17 years old at the time. Though he was chosen over more established agents, the Director (a Swedish double agent) refused to play him. In his first full international game, he had a hat trick against Croatia, a great start.

Mission: Agent Walcott’s mission, should he decide to accept it, will be to dazzle audiences and defenders with his amazing attacking abilities during Mission 2010. He needs to score goals and frustrate the MNT’s enemies. He also needs to stay healthy, as his young frame has been riddled with injuries. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Briefing: Agent Joe Cole (aka “The Paddington Prodigy”) is a well-established member of the MNT and has had a tremendous professional carrer. Though oft-criticized for his injury prone physique, Agent Cole is still a deadly option at winger for the MNT. Should he regain his best form, he could play an important role during Mission 2010.

Special Skills: Agent Cole has had a very successful career in the EPL with both West Ham and Chelsea. During his reign at the latter, he has won two Prem titles. He is a fantastic player, but he is also often injured, which has hurt his legacy both professionally and internationally. When healthy though, he is a dangerous threat to score at any time. 

International Actions: Agent Cole has appeared in over 50 missions and notched 10 goals. He was present during Mission 2002, but only appeared in limited fashion. During Mission 2006, he played quite well and notched a goal and an assist in an early game. He has been involved in the preparations for Mission 2010, but he hasn’t been healthy.

Mission: Agent Cole’s mission, should he decide to accept it, will be to provide the MNT with a strong option on the wing. When healthy, he is one of the best players in the world, but he hasn’t been healthy much lately. For the MNT to succeed though, Agent J. Cole must contribute some offensive firepower. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Briefing: Agent David Beckham (aka “Sir Goldenballs of Manchester”) is past his prime, but in the past he was one of the most dangerous assassins in the world, from a set piece anyways. He is reputed to have one of the most accurate crosses in the world, but the real question is whether Director Capello thinks he belongs on the pitch in 2010.

Special Skills: Agent Beckham will always be best remembered for his glory days with Man U. He never achieved the same level of skill in Spain with Real Madrid, and the last two years in MLS have been a joke with no acceptable punch line. Now he is in Milan, but many think he should not be in South Africa in 2010. We shall see.

International Actions: Agent Beckham first took the pitch for the MNT in 1996, meaning he will be the senior member of the squad if he is selected for Mission 2010. He is close to actually breaking the all-time appearances record for the MNT, and he has actually served the squad quite well, though he has failed to bring them many honors.

Mission: Agent Beckham’s mission, should he decide to accept it, is to prove the naysayers wrong by qualifying for and playing in his record fourth World Cup Finals tournament for the MNT. In order to acheive this goal, he will have to prove to Director Capello that his skills have not deteriorated over time. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Briefing: Agent Wayne Rooney (aka “the Nutcracker”) is one of the most prolific scorers in MNT history. Depsite his young age (23) he has amassed an amazing professional career. His greatest two skills are scoring goals and earning red cards, so he simultaneously delights and abhors dedicated fan’s of the MNT. He will need to bring his best in 2010.

Special Skills: Agent Rooney is not exactly big or fast, but he is effective because he is strong and he has an innate nose for the net. He was one of the youngest EPL players ever, and with Man U he has won two Prem titles and a Champions League trophy. He scores at will it seems, and many defenders have been left agape at his skills. 

International Actions: Agent Rooney was the youngest ever MNT member when he first took the pitch (though Agent Walcott has since broked the record). He was selected to play in Mission 2006, but he was not fit and spent his time in an oxygen tent. When he did play against Portugal, he was red carded for stepping on an opponent’s nuts.

Mission: Agent Rooney’s mission, should he decide to accept it, is to score several goals for the MNT during Mission 2010 while refraining from drawing red cards for stomping on enemies’ appendages. It sounds like an easy task, but Agent Rooney has thus far failed to control his violent, detrimental behavior. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Briefing: Agent Ashley Cole (aka “the Barbadian Blow Dry”) is a long-time member of the MNT. He has been on numerous missions already, and he is reputed to have a firm hold on his spot for Mission 2010. While many folks question his dedication, Agent A. Cole has experienced a very successful pro and international career and is a fine player. 

Special Skills: Agent A. Cole is known for his tenacious defense, usually from the left back position. He started his pro career with the Gunners, but he ended up playing for the Russian-owned Chelski in 2006 and has been a fixture for that side ever since. He doesn’t score goals, but he does shut down wingers, so he is a valuable commodity. 

International Actions: Agent A. Cole previously participated in Mission 2002 and 2006. He played well in both, and he also did fantastic during Euro 2004. His marriage to a celebrity (as well as the constant rumors of his infidelity) have made him a target for the media, but if he can keep his head straight, he will be ready for 2010.

Mission: Agent A. Cole’s mission, should he decide to accept it, is to shut down opponent’s aerial attacks during the crucial Mission 2010. He’s already played in nearly 70 games for the MNT despite the fact he is only 28, so he is very experienced and a strong option for Director Capello. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Briefing: Agent John Terry (aka “Captain Morgan”) is the leader of the MNT on the field. Despite being only 28 years old, he has taken the pitch for the agency more than 45 times. He’s a shutdown central defender and he is a fine leader. The only thing he really has left to prove is that he can lead the MNT all the way to the Mission 2010 Final. 

Special Skills: Agent Terry has been with the Russian/English agency Chelski for more than a decade and he has had enormous success there. He also has had his fair share of heartbreak (see UEFA Champions League Final 2008). He is still one of the best five defenders in the world and his leadership skills are tremendous. The MNT really needs him.

International Actions: Agent Terry joined up with the MNT in 2003. By 2004, he had beaten out Former Agent Campbell for a starting role and he participated in Mission 2006, where he was named to the all-tournament team. By 2006, he had risen to the captaincy, but he then failed to help the MNT succeed in Euro 2008. He has much to prove.

Mission: Agent Terry’s mission, should he decide to accept it, is to lead the MNT both emotionally and physically as it plays for worldwide supremacy during Mission 2010. He must overcome his personal vices (like Captain Morgan) and focus only on the ultimate prize. If he can do so, the MNT could win it all. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Briefing: The name is James. David James (aka “Agent 0040″). His nickname refers to how many years old he will be come 2010. I have already debriefed you on Agent Hart, so I think you know I think Capello may go with youth over experience. But, James is probably the most experienced keeper in the world, so Capello may end up with James.

Special Skills: Experience is James’ biggest asset. He’s appeared in more EPL games than any other player. He’s won many trophies. But, playing in many games means he has also made many huge mistakes. His other nickname, “Calamity James”, reflects that fact. He’s still a steady option in goal for ENG, so we may see him during Mission 2010.

International Actions: Agent James has been in the net for the MNT for more than 45 games. His imposing size (6′5″) has made him a consistent player at the top level. It’s amazing to think he got his first cap back in 1997, but it’s true. He didn’t play in Mission 2006, so that subpar squad performance can’t be blamed on him. But, he’s so old now.

Mission: Agent James’ mission, should he decide to accept it, will be to fend off the young ragamuffins trying to take his job so he can play during Mission 2010. If he does get there, it will likely be his swan song, so he will need to take full advantage of it. Otherwise, he may end his career with the MNT with regrets. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Briefing: Agent Steven Gerrard (aka “the Red’s Baron”) is the offensive general for the MNT. He is reputed to be one of the best players in the world, and perhaps the most clutch. He has a long history with the MNT and he is expected to be their attacking leader when Mission 2010 begins. He needs to make it a successful one, as it could be his last.

Special Skills: Agent Gerrard is one of the best central midfielders in the world, but he is a versatile player and he can also be deployed as a right winger or a second striker. He has played for Liverpool since 1998 and during his reign there he has hoisted the UEFA Champions League trophy. He’s a prolific scorer and fantastic assist man.

International Actions: Agent Gerrard first joined the MNT in 2000. He was expected to take part in Mission 2002, but a groin injury (ouch) prevented him from making the trip. During Mission 2006, he was the MNT’s best player, but his performance could not assist the team in meeting its objectives. Now, he is clearly focused on 2010.

Mission: Agent Gerrard’s mission, should he decide to accept it, is to lead the MNT’s assault on their opponents’ nets during Mission 2010. He must stay healthy and bring his best with him to South Africa, or the MNT will surely fail to eliminate all of their talented targets. He carries a large burden, but then again he always has. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.