Ridiculously Biased Commentary or "How the Dutch Will Make Putin Cry"

Half Time: Testing 123. My comments are not showing up...

32': Sneijder passes the ball to his mother sitting in row 3.

30': Dutch creating chances now that THC has worn off.  Trying to score before halftime smoke-break.

21': Vladimir Lenin to make surprise halftime visit to Russian locker room.  Will try to inspire players with promises of utopian society where footballers rule the hockey players.

18': Guus Hiddink is looking hungry.  Deciding which of the Dutch players looks the tastiest.

17': Ref drinks Dutch water. Dutch players catch herpes.

15': Commentators shamelessly plug lame sounding American television shows while completely ignoring the match.

14': Slow start for the Netherlands blamed on a smoking haze emerging from their locker room.

12': Space Update: Dutch fans can be seen from International Space Station.

8': Guus Hiddink mad because he doesn't like his shirt.

7': Russia on the attack so far, but, like the Cold War, producing few results.

6': A weak free kick blocked easily by Van der Sar. Ref incorrectly gives a corner to Russia.

5': Ref blows a cheap foul on Van Bronckhorst. 

3': Holland with a clear advantage in shirt brightness so far.

1': Russia with one of the worst kickoffs I've seen.

Before Kick Off:

Insta-Poll:

 How many beers before I, a heterosexual American male, find Tommy Smith attractive?

1

2

3

4+ 

Before Kick Off: Vladimir Putin states that he will reinstate Communism in the event of a Russian defeat.  Russian citizens flee the borders.

Before Kick Off: Pre-match Interview: Dirk Kuyt: "Matt, I am excited that you will be able to see me in High-Definition today."

Before Kick Off: Approximately 25 minutes until kickoff.  Will the 'skis and 'ovs of Russia be able to overcome the Vans of the Netherlands?

Before Kick Off: Just a reminder to American viewers that today's match will be broadcast on ABC not ESPN.

Before Kick Off: Today's commentary is sponsored by Major League Soccer.  "MLS: Americans almost consider us a sport..."