Ridiculously Biased Footballl

Ridiculously Biased ®Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester United Commentary

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 11:02:11 -0600

Before Kick Off: I have missed the first 5 minutes of the game, but as I predicted, both teams are so far losing.

Before Kick Off: My apologies, I was having some problems with my connection, but am back now.

Before Kick Off: I feel as though my extreme disdain for both squads makes me an impartial commentator.

Before Kick Off: Today's Match Preview:

I am an Arsenal supporter, and when it comes to matches such as this one, people often ask "Who would you rather see lose?" My response is, "Say you had been captured by an insane serial killer. He asks you, would you rather be shot through the eye, or through the ear?" How does one go about answering that question? Personally, I would ask him to drown me instead.

Prediction: Spurs -4 - -5 United

After a long hiatus, I am back with a vengeance...not that anyone cares.

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:50:51 -0600

This is me making my first post since June. It is Friday here in Iowa, and I would assume that means that it is Friday in most other places as well. However, it is currently 24 degrees here today (that's -4 to those of you outside the Holy Land (the United States)), and I would venture to guess that many of you are much warmer than I right now. Tomorrow is Saturday which means football (or, to those inside the Holy Land, soccer), and I feel as though it is high time that I revive what some like to call the best match commentaries on oleole.com (or, as others like to say, the best commentaries in the world). I do apologize for waiting so long to continue my reporting, but I am lazy and do not care at all. And that is the only reason I will give you.

Tomorrow's Ridiculously Biased® commentary lineup will be as follows (I reserve the right to change my lineup at any time):

Middlesbrough v Arsenal

19:45 London Time, 6:45 a.m. My Time (why can't Arsenal follow my time?)

Match Preview: Gareth Southgate will try continue to look like a crazy college professor in his attempt to outdo "the Professor" aka Arsene Wenger. At his news conference today, Wenger said,

"I would not yet consider Southgate to be a professor, but all he needs is the belief in himself. Southgate can take on any professor in Europe with no fear, and even though he is a long ways off from becoming one, I'm certain that he can achieve his success by the end of the year.

Prediction: Boro 7-11 Arsenal

Liverpool v Hull City

15:00 Liverpool Time, 9 a.m. My Time

6th place Hull will try and figure out why they are so high up the table. Says Phil Brown:

"Honestly we can't figure out what has gone wrong with this season. Hopefully we can start losing soon and fighting against relegation like we should be."

Prediction: Liverpool 0-1 Hull City

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester United

17:30 London Time, 11:30 a.m. My Time (Maybe I will have woken up by now)

Prediction: Spurs -4 - -5 United

So there you have it. Be sure to tune in for the early kickoff tomorrow of Arsenal and Boro.

Ridiculously Biased Commentary or "How the Dutch Will Make Putin Cry"

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:48:46 -0500

Half Time: Testing 123. My comments are not showing up...

32': Sneijder passes the ball to his mother sitting in row 3.

30': Dutch creating chances now that THC has worn off. Trying to score before halftime smoke-break.

21': Vladimir Lenin to make surprise halftime visit to Russian locker room. Will try to inspire players with promises of utopian society where footballers rule the hockey players.

18': Guus Hiddink is looking hungry. Deciding which of the Dutch players looks the tastiest.

17': Ref drinks Dutch water. Dutch players catch herpes.

15': Commentators shamelessly plug lame sounding American television shows while completely ignoring the match.

14': Slow start for the Netherlands blamed on a smoking haze emerging from their locker room.

12': Space Update: Dutch fans can be seen from International Space Station.

8': Guus Hiddink mad because he doesn't like his shirt.

7': Russia on the attack so far, but, like the Cold War, producing few results.

6': A weak free kick blocked easily by Van der Sar. Ref incorrectly gives a corner to Russia.

5': Ref blows a cheap foul on Van Bronckhorst.

3': Holland with a clear advantage in shirt brightness so far.

1': Russia with one of the worst kickoffs I've seen.

Before Kick Off:

Insta-Poll:

How many beers before I, a heterosexual American male, find Tommy Smith attractive?

Before Kick Off: Vladimir Putin states that he will reinstate Communism in the event of a Russian defeat. Russian citizens flee the borders.

Before Kick Off: Pre-match Interview: Dirk Kuyt: "Matt, I am excited that you will be able to see me in High-Definition today."

Before Kick Off: Approximately 25 minutes until kickoff. Will the 'skis and 'ovs of Russia be able to overcome the Vans of the Netherlands?

Before Kick Off: Just a reminder to American viewers that today's match will be broadcast on ABC not ESPN.

Before Kick Off: Today's commentary is sponsored by Major League Soccer. "MLS: Americans almost consider us a sport..."

Hello There

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:34:54 -0500

Hello to everyone who happens to be reading this. Thank you for your comments on my first live commentary last weekend. Just to let you know what happened, I've had some trouble with my internet connection over the last week and I haven't been able to commentate on the last several Euro games unfortunately.

What this blog is all about is to bring a little humor into the world of football (or soccer if you like). We all take our favorite clubs and countries very seriously (and rightfully so), but sometimes it is nice to sit back and realize that it is a game, and the point is to have fun with it. So I will be doing live commentating in a not-so-serious manner on every match I can watch, as well as doing some even-less-serious blogging on the biggest news in football. I hope you enjoy it. Questions, comments, suggestions, criticisms and large cash donations are always accepted and encouraged.

My live commentaries will always be at least somewhat biased toward one team in the game. My biases will be determined by a coin flip or by a completely subjective decision that I make on my own.

Again, I hope you enjoy my efforts, and I also hope that this is the most serious entry I ever make and that I only get funnier from here (wouldn't take much, eh?).

Ridiculously Biased Commentary or "How France have already lost the game."

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:07:07 -0500

47': Hilarious commentator experiencing internet connection problems.

46': Netherlands with a great kickoff.

Half Time: The game is only half over, yet the players are so bored that they just walk off the field.

43': Henry with a shot. Clearly does not know what he is doing.

37': Van Basten yells out of sheer boredom.

34': Apparently no one told the French that they need to shoot the ball past the keeper. Not to him.

34': Van der Vaart holds the cheese, apparently some sort of watery cheese, up to his ear and is distressed because the game against the Italians was more fun.

33': Ref shows Makelele the piece of cheese he earlier kicked into the stands. Makelele is confused, angered.

29': Americans watching on television confused at why Netherlands is shortened to NED on the score overlay.

27': France showing good defense by allowing Bouhlarouz past their back line.

26': Newsflash: France to surrender in 35th minute.

23': Kuyt to Ribery: "lolz! gotcha! ;)"

21': Kuyt outraged at the ref. Rumor has it the ref turned him down for a date.

16': Instant Analysis: Not much going on at the moment. Fans decide to play FIFA 08 instead. Netherlands fans disappointed to find their team are not on the game.

12': Andry Gray makes some almost-sexual comments about pegs and holes.

10': Goal to the Dutch. France blames Bush.

7': Instant Analysis: More shots need to be taken. Especially by the Dutch and the French.

4': Makelele accidentally murders Kuyt

3': Van Nistelrooy shows great teamwork by taking that shot himself

3': Simon Cowell looks unhappy but refrains from booking Toulalan

1': Makelele kicks a large piece of cheese off the pitch

1': France with a terrible kickoff

Before Kick Off: Simon Cowell to officiate today

Before Kick Off: France starting 11: Who cares?

Before Kick Off: Netherlands starting 11: At least four guys whose names include "van"

Before Kick Off:

Place your bets: Robin van Persie to break at least 3 bones: 1/5

Before Kick Off: Prediction: Domenech to be abducted by aliens.

Before Kick Off: Newsflash: Andy Gray has Ray Charles' eyes for football

Before Kick Off: Henry to start for France today?