Half Time: Testing 123. My comments are not showing up...

32': Sneijder passes the ball to his mother sitting in row 3.

30': Dutch creating chances now that THC has worn off.  Trying to score before halftime smoke-break.

21': Vladimir Lenin to make surprise halftime visit to Russian locker room.  Will try to inspire players with promises of utopian society where footballers rule the hockey players.

18': Guus Hiddink is looking hungry.  Deciding which of the Dutch players looks the tastiest.

17': Ref drinks Dutch water. Dutch players catch herpes.

15': Commentators shamelessly plug lame sounding American television shows while completely ignoring the match.

14': Slow start for the Netherlands blamed on a smoking haze emerging from their locker room.

12': Space Update: Dutch fans can be seen from International Space Station.

8': Guus Hiddink mad because he doesn't like his shirt.

7': Russia on the attack so far, but, like the Cold War, producing few results.

6': A weak free kick blocked easily by Van der Sar. Ref incorrectly gives a corner to Russia.

5': Ref blows a cheap foul on Van Bronckhorst. 

3': Holland with a clear advantage in shirt brightness so far.

1': Russia with one of the worst kickoffs I've seen.

Before Kick Off:

Insta-Poll:

 How many beers before I, a heterosexual American male, find Tommy Smith attractive?

1

2

3

4+ 

Before Kick Off: Vladimir Putin states that he will reinstate Communism in the event of a Russian defeat.  Russian citizens flee the borders.

Before Kick Off: Pre-match Interview: Dirk Kuyt: "Matt, I am excited that you will be able to see me in High-Definition today."

Before Kick Off: Approximately 25 minutes until kickoff.  Will the 'skis and 'ovs of Russia be able to overcome the Vans of the Netherlands?

Before Kick Off: Just a reminder to American viewers that today's match will be broadcast on ABC not ESPN.

Before Kick Off: Today's commentary is sponsored by Major League Soccer.  "MLS: Americans almost consider us a sport..."

47': Hilarious commentator experiencing internet connection problems.

46': Netherlands with a great kickoff.

Half Time: The game is only half over, yet the players are so bored that they just walk off the field.

43': Henry with a shot.  Clearly does not know what he is doing.

37': Van Basten yells out of sheer boredom.

34': Apparently no one told the French that they need to shoot the ball past the keeper.  Not to him.

34': Van der Vaart holds the cheese, apparently some sort of watery cheese, up to his ear and is distressed because the game against the Italians was more fun.

33': Ref shows Makelele the piece of cheese he earlier kicked into the stands.  Makelele is confused, angered.

29': Americans watching on television confused at why Netherlands is shortened to NED on the score overlay.

27': France showing good defense by allowing Bouhlarouz past their back line.

26': Newsflash: France to surrender in 35th minute.

23': Kuyt to Ribery: "lolz! gotcha! ;)"

21': Kuyt outraged at the ref.  Rumor has it the ref turned him down for a date.

16': Instant Analysis: Not much going on at the moment.  Fans decide to play FIFA 08 instead.  Netherlands fans disappointed to find their team are not on the game.

12': Andry Gray makes some almost-sexual comments about pegs and holes.

10': Goal to the Dutch.  France blames Bush.

7': Instant Analysis: More shots need to be taken.  Especially by the Dutch and the French.

4': Makelele accidentally murders Kuyt

3': Van Nistelrooy shows great teamwork by taking that shot himself

3': Simon Cowell looks unhappy but refrains from booking Toulalan

1': Makelele kicks a large piece of cheese off the pitch

1': France with a terrible kickoff

Before Kick Off: Simon Cowell to officiate today

Before Kick Off: France starting 11: Who cares?

Before Kick Off: Netherlands starting 11: At least four guys whose names include "van"

Before Kick Off:

Place your bets: Robin van Persie to break at least 3 bones: 1/5 

Before Kick Off: Prediction: Domenech to be abducted by aliens.

Before Kick Off: Newsflash: Andy Gray has Ray Charles' eyes for football

Before Kick Off: Henry to start for France today?