Magnusson discovers long lost son during a casting session for the new movie Coneheads 2

Dan Ackroyd furious at missing out on leading roll

 

But the only thing spinning round the room is D D's toys.

After dominating the game against Barnet and coming out 2.0 winners thanks to goals from Adebayor and a lovely strike from an young dutch lad Nacer Barazite. The sort of goal that the crowds were begging for last season when they were shouting "Shoot Shoot" during the regular penalty area formation ballet.

Then against Genclermrwiggly Very Important Persie shows he's coming back into form by banging in two while their defence spends the game playing"Where's Wally" on the wing. Which was past them like a breeze and putting in a killer cross and scoring one himself.

Nothing yet from Eduardo up front but what do you expect after 20 mins in a new team although he looked promising according to reports. Fabianski and Sagna also shaped up well. Flamini and Ljungberg both appear to be staying so lets hope that Freddie can put his injuries behind him and give us one more good season and Flamini gets perhaps a bit more of the action than last season.

Arsene seems to be getting it right yet again and why should we ever have doubted him. Basically because there wasn't any football but there was wall to wall speculation. Now the team are back of their hols and doing what they do best we can all relax a bit more. Alright I can relax a bit more you were all totally confident and never had any doubts (Yeah! right).

Still a bit more to worry about off the pitch though as Mr Deine seems to be trying to round up support from his even wealthier friends to buy out the club whether they want buying or not. Wee Jimmy Kroenke and Dr Death from Formulae One both appearing to be in the frame. So we can look forward to either winning from a shotgun on fourth down or starting a match and watching two thirds of the team piss off for a shower right after kick off. Could D D not just take his money, ego and factor 4 off to somewhere sunny and let the club he professes to love stabilise and get around to winning something this season. I suspect not.

There's still some off pitch entertainment to be had watching the Tevez Hokey Cokey as his Transfer seems to be in and out more than all the limbs in that dance put together. So SAF is waiting at the alter but Carlos is not even at the church yet. Never mind Alex FIFA are sorting it out so he should be a UTD player sometime around 2010.

Sofa So Good will be off the sofa and sat by a pool for a couple of weeks from the end of this week so you can all enjoy the rain and the Emirates Cup while I'm gone.

I don't think I'm on my own feeling a bit nervous about our squad so far for next season as I look around at the signings Man Utd and Liverpool are making but the summers not over yet and the boss never lets on about any dealings before he absolutely has to anyway.

Just for the moment though lets assume the dealing is over. Van Persie, Adebayor and Eduardo are not exactly a light weight trio to pick from with the possibility that Bendtner will develop this season though I think his opportunity is more likely in the Carling Cup unless injuries change things.

I didn't mention Walcott as I think he will be the answer to some of our problems on the wing. I doubt Arsene will play him centrally for another season or two until he develops a bit more physically.

A general chorus of "Why did we by a right back" when Sagna signed. How many times did we give away the first goal last season and how many times did we give one or three points away having played the opposition off the park? Trust in Arsene.

Eboue for right midfield? Why not if he cancelled the acting lessons at RADA he's pretty quick and seems to like going forward.

Then there's Rosciky who should have a better season now he's settled in,  Fabregas who admitted he needs to develop his goal scoring and Hleb who contrary to popular opinion I expect to do much better this season and maybe even slot a few in himself.

All backed up by a Lehman who should be much more focused with the Lanky pole Fabianski just itching to pull the gloves on.

Oh I nearly forgot the awesome striking ability of the Gallas dick, which means he should score a good few headers this season. We could have tried to sort out the problem of the Gallas gob by signing that nice Joey Barton but I suspect Gallas would have him for breakfast.

Lets see how many we can put past the mighty Barnet this afternoon and stop panicking.  

 

 

First an apology to anyone who read my last entry and expected an in depth review of Graham Polls career. I realise it may have been misleading and if I have inadvertently nicked the title of Graham's no doubt imminent autobiography (I never really knew my father.......) I hereby rescind all rights.

I've been mulling over the problems of the transfer market particularly as I watch the mating dance of the  Barcelona strutting it's stuff around the greater breasted Henry in an attempt to entice it away from it's current mate.

The problem is not the buying and selling of players, the involvement of agents, tapping up or any of the other causes usually moaned about. It's just that Joe & Josephine public don't know what's frigging going on. Those involved won't bloody tell us and the "gentlemen" of the press run around shoving their heads up their own collective arse and making stuff up as there are no matches they can second guess the manager about.

So I suggest a new system. We actually will have a transfer market.

3.00pm every Saturday in the market square. Large video screen at the back of a stage, rights sold worldwide. We can get Chris Tarrant to host it, perfect title "Who wants to be a multi millionaire".

Chris does his usual speil and the screen runs through the highlights and history of the player and then out he comes centre stage in the boxers dressing gown and after a bit of bouncing round and warming up drops the robe and stands there bollock naked, control yourselves ladies (gents?). Then after a bit of ball juggling to entertain the crowd any interested manager or director can come up on stage, prod him round a bit with a stick, check he's got all his teeth etc and we can start the bidding were we can all see it and boo and cheer to our hearts content "Higher higher, lower lower". Oh sorry that's Brucey isn't it, never mind he's to old to notice now.

The possibility's are endless, phone in votes on premium lines to increase the club funds for the featured players. Phone in votes threatening none renewal of season tickets and boycott of club merchandise if the club dares put it's hand in it's pocket for that Donkey. Seeing as they're bringing back Tiswas we can even get the Phantom Flan Flinger to come on and "Pie" anyone who doesn't even get a bid.

 

After which no son of a bitch can trot out the "Well we wanted him but our bid was rejected" line and we can all be confident in who we want to hate or love for the following season.

I commend it to the house and if any creative types take this up I thought of it first and I want my cut. 

Okay I'll deal, you open.

Right, Eto

I'll see your Eto and raise you an Henry.

Okay Eto and 17, mill.

What have you got

No I'm folding I've only got a Bramble.

Henry's definitely signed for Barca but he's been spotted at the Melwood training ground and the bookies are taking no more bets on him going to Liverpool as every Red in the city is sticking a fiver on him in a fit of wishful thinking.  But he was spotted wearing blue socks so maybe he'll be turning out for Everton next season, not many millions but free toffee for life. Or maybe he'll go on a free to Melchester Rovers and form a legendary partnership with Roy Race.
Or he could just possibly do what he's said all along and stay at Arsenal. We are dealing with a sportsman here, not a politician.

Fat Sams bought Joey Barton so it looks like Newcastle will be playing in the Bolton mold, all matches best of two falls, two submissions or a knock out.

Arsenes bought a 16 year old Norwegian with an option on his brother (if his Mums pregnancy turns out to be a boy).

Cappello's trying to buy a player that's actually still on his books as the fans are less than pleased that Golden Balls is going west and if he scores or puts in the cross that secures Real the title that could just be the direction of Cappello's job opportunity.

Chris Hutchings has signed Titus Bramble "which shows our ambition". Oh to be a Wigan fan.

Arjen Robben is definitely signing for Real Madrid only nobody has told his Dad who is also his agent.

Ferguson's bought a Nani! Mrs F pregnant again at her age or has Fergie done a Prescott. Maybe he's white slave trading. No, he's bought a little friend for Ronaldo so he's got someone to talk to so where ever Nani goes ego's two.

I don't know about you lot but my heads spinning already and the seasons only just over we've got about another two months of this. Roll on August so we can all relax and enjoy the usual suffering and agony that is the lot of all those whose attachment to their team constitutes grounds for divorce.

 

 

So the boy done good.

Beckham back in form and supplying the crosses for two well taken goals by Crouch and Owen who will no doubt be delighted and perhaps a little relieved to finish the season with a goal. All this after a truly wonderful goal from Joe Cole chesting the ball down and turning through 180 degrees to volley into the corner of the net. A strike worthy of any of the worlds great players. I hope you all realise how great a compliment that is from someone who doesn't normally like the tricksy little Chelski pain in the bum.

All in all a good performance to finish the season and everyone can go off for their summer hols mightily relieved that we are now just a point behind Russia and only three behind Israel and Croatia thanks to the 0.0 draw between Russia and Croatia tonight.

What I wonder will the holidays bring to Mr McLaren. A bit of relaxation, knowing he's still got a job. A bit of reflection and self belief knowing how right he was to recall Beckham and that he never really intended to drop him completely.

But, of course, now he's done the job and he's off to the colonies he wont be as fit in September and the Yanks wont give him anywhere near the level of football to keep his skill levels up to a sufficient standard and all that celebrity hob nobbing will take it's toll plus if that nice Tom Cruise turns him to the dark side and gets him all Scientologised and then........

For Pete's sake somebody follow him wherever he goes and whisper some sense into his ear and smack him round the back of the head every time he says "You know we could easily beat Israel without David" because I can seriously see him reverting to type and leaving out a potential match winner without any in form replacement.

 

Great! Refs about to blow his whistle, England have beaten Brazil 1.0

Oh shit! No we haven't.

I'm really sorry folks. I know all us English were hoping for a win against Brazil but as a Gooner I couldn't help smiling as it was our stand in Captain and arguably player of the season who supplied the cross for the goal and that after having a perfectly good goal disallowed.

(Pause here for the usual offside and interfering with play argument)

Overall I thought it was a much better performance from England but then it couldn't really fail to be an improvement on the last couple of games. Beckham seemed to be back on form laying on the goal, coming close (closer than Ronaldinho) with a free kick and an inch perfect cross that Michael Owen couldn't quite control which would have been replayed endlessly if he had scored.

"Best right sided player in the world" McLaren. So why was he dropped?

Wes Brown managed to trip over his own bootlaces and practically give them a goal which they no doubt missed as it's difficult to play when suppressing a laugh.

Gerrard? Well Gerrard was Gerrard, bloody marvellous. The Kop sum him up perfectly, big, f**king hard and scores them from 40 yards.

Nicky Shorey put in a good performance on his debut and is now presumably a married man as his wedding was the day after the match. All that hard work stopping the Brazilians getting at the the goal should serve him well when the new Mrs Shorey is heading for the door with a determined look in her eye and wielding an American Express card like an extra from a Kung Fu movie.

Possibly the worst performance of the night was the pitch. It really should be possible to have a national stadium to showcase the game with something better than the local park after the Sunday morning pub team has finished with it. I realise that it's going to see more use than the average premiership ground but that should have been considered at the design stage.

So we wait for Wednesday to see how many changes McLaren makes to defeat the mighty Estonia and save his job. Let's face it, if we can't beat them we don't deserve to go anyway.

 

Oh hours of endless fun to keep us amused in the summer months.

 

The FA (which seems to accurately describe what they know about Football) are to have an independent chairman

Full story here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/6701477.stm

But who should it be? Form an orderly queue now, no pushing.

Some suggestions heard so far.

 

Tony Blair

Campaigning for...

Not only goal line technology but every player and manager fitted with GPS chip and a mike so we know what he's doing and who he's doing it to/with 24 hours a day. No doubt also to include a nice little charge right next to a main artery much like Snake Plissken in Escape from New York.

Think of the possibilities

"Rio! Drug test now or I throw the switch"

"Fergie! Off the phone to the bookie and talk to the Beeb, or else"

 

Graham Poll

Who will no doubt double book the conference suite and order the same catering delivered three times.

 

Pierre Luigi Colina

Who...... Hang on, that one could work. Someone who knows about football takes no Bullshit from anyone and looks like he'd kill your granny just to get your attention.

 

Any more suggestions folks?

 

 

 

So Becks is back in the squad if not yet in the shirt. Somehow though I can't see McLaren swallowing that hard and not putting him on the pitch.

So, why is he back and why did he go in the first place.

By not playing up to what we all knew he was capable of for quite a few matches he presented McLaren with the ideal opportunity to look all matcho and get rid of him. Which would have been great from McLarens point of view if the team had played with any kind of flair or commitment subsequently, but they haven't.

So he now finds himself in a position in which failing to qualify without recalling Beckham means he is out of a job with the marks every scribblers boot on his rear as he disappears into exile. But if it happens with Beckham playing a huge amount of the flak will head in that direction as nobody has a higher profile than Becks.

That's the cynical calculation, the positive side is that according to those same scribblers Beckham, although only in 4 games since returning from injury, is playing better than ever and fitter than a flea.  So has McLaren just picked the best players on form at the moment and Beckham just happens to be one of them.? I think that one falls into the "Yeah right!" department and the truth as usual is a mix of both viewpoints.

So, what happens?

We win 1.0 in the last game to qualify after Beckham scores from a free kick or we lose 0.1 after it bounces in off Beckhams backside for an own goal as we frantically try and clear a corner in the 93rd minute.

For me I hope the fairy tale plays out and he scores the winner to either qualify or, dare we hope, win the competition. Whatever else you may think of the guy I doubt there's been anybody more proud to pull on an England shirt in recent years and whenever you actually get to hear him being interviewed at any length and get to hear the man rather than the brand he always comes across as a nice well balanced bloke. 

Then he can disappear of into the west with his arm round Frodos shoulders having saved the world, well England and that's the world to me.

Xenophobe?

Who me?