MOTD Watch - 18/10/08

22:33 - Liverpool take on Wigan at Anfield. Daniel Agger, who obviously has Amr Zaki in his FF team, gives the ball away to Amr Zaki, who scores.

22:35 - Dirk Kuyt scores, Kirkland gets a hand to the shot but is unable to keep it out. Is Kuyt able to score a goal that doesn't hit a player on the way in?

22:36 - Kuyt unleashes a 25 yard screamer that luckily hits the bar and bounces to safety, thereby rendering my previous statement correct.

22:40 - Zaki doubles Agger's weekly FF tally by scoring a wonderful scissor kick. He bears more than a passing resemblence to Porto's Incredible Hulk.

22:43 - Liverpool get another turn at their free-kick because Stevie G wasn't ready yet. Antonio Valencia is booked for distracting him.

22:44 - Stevie G hits the free-kick and misses anyway.

22:46 - Dirk Couight scores a scissor-kick that's rubbish compared to Zaki's. Kirkland gets a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

22:48 - Alan Shearer praises "a great game, with good players on both sides, and I include Wigan in that". Thanks Alan!

22:50 - Shearer continues to praise Zaki, showing footage of him shoving and kicking Liverpool players, adding a bizarre narrative of phrases like "get off, Carragher" and "push off". He tops it off by telling us that "Zaki gave him an uncomfortable afternoon all day".

22:56 - Chelsea maul Boro at the Riverside, even with Malouda and Anelka up front, who are just clowns. It's very strange seeing a Chelsea goalkeeper not wearing a little hat.

22:57 - Juliano Belletti scores a cracker from distance. The commentator shrieks: "Where did he get that from!?" as if he's smuggled the goal illegally onto the pitch from his house.

22:58 - Florent Malouda scores, rounding off a performance that is somehow both good and terrible at the same time.

23:03 - Gareth Southgate (or as Goal.com called him, Soutgate) looks like he's been crying. Kalou delivers a very coy post-match interview.

23:04 - Shearer makes a comment about Jose 'Boswinger'. Chelsea are starting to look really scary.

23:06 - Everton take on Arsenal at the Emirates, "a ground where they haven't won since 1996".

23:06 - Leon Osman scores. Steven Pienaar points to the sky in what must be a touching tribute to the late Pat Lampard.

23:10 - Manuel Almunia "runs into traffic" whilst defending a corner.

23:14 - Diaby makes his comeback without managing to kill anybody. Theo Walcott scores a FIFA 08 goal.

23:16 - Wolkot tells us he just wants to play football, but not too much

23:19 - Paul Corbally wins the September goal of the month competition for his cracking effort for Hull against Arsenal. Corbally, from Blackburn, decides to go and watch Man United as his prize. No wonder Ewood Park is always fucking empty.

23:21 - Man United are playing as if they're also on FIFA 08, just running at opposition players and knocking them over.

23:23 - Wayne Rooney scores a fine solo goal and runs off celebrating like a demented giant baby.

23:24 - C. Ron Hubbard scores and refuses to celebrate against West Brom, who are his favourite team.

23:25 - Dimitar Berbatov scores, and then looks like he instantly regrets it as he realises he can't be bothered to celebrate properly.

23:27 - Nani scores and does the best celebration of the lot, doing some kind of Tekken move.

23:28 - That's it, no more goals. The highlights are over.

23:29 - All three pundits attempt to simultaneosly insert their heads up Wayne Rooney's anus.

23:30 - Fulham unveil a statue of Johnny Haynes made entirely from Bourneville dark chocolate.

23:31 - The advertising hoardings at Craven Cottage are bizarrely promoting their next game on Sky, as if they don't want their fans to bother watching it at the ground.

23:32 - Kieran Richardson manages to hit the post three times with a free-kick.

23:35 - The commentator tells us the match was destined to end 0-0. I wish he'd told us sooner.

23:39 - Villa Park appear to be playing the music from the Thorpe Park ride 'Colossus' in their pre-match buildup. Martin O'Neill has chosen four players at random to make up his defence.

23:43 - Sean Davis is sent off, and reacts like he's been the first person to be voted off Big Brother.

23:44 - Both post-match interviews with the managers focus on who threw a coin at the linesman. MOTD have apparently compensated for the lack of goals by turning the rest of the show into a game of Cluedo.

23:47 - The Bolton v Blackburn highlights seems to contain only footage of the teams winning corners.

23:50 - Ryan Nelsen appears to have no teeth, and some sort of learning difficulty. He talks about the weather whilst grinning like a massive idiot.