by Joel Abraham

It's Joel v Jack Round VII.

The score is currently Joel 5:1 Jack.

The new challenge is to name 10 players each who Arsenal might sign in January.

The prize, as always, is lunch at the prestigious Megabite Cafe.

Here are the shortlists:

Jack:

Mikel Arteta
Shay Given
Charles N'Zogbia
Edu
Gokhan Inler
Jimmy Bullard
Sylvain Distin
Michael Owen
Tuncay Sanli
Antonio Valencia

Joel:

Andrei Arshavin
Pape Diakhate
Steven Mouyokolo
Fabian Delph
Yohan Cabaye
Olivier Dacourt
Yaya Toure
Xabi Alonso
Steven Defour
Felipe Melo

The betting history is as follows:

Joel wins:

- Arsenal to face Fulham at the start of the 2007/8 season

- David Villa to score in the Emirates Cup

- Theo Walcott to score during the warm-up of Blackburn v Arsenal

- Stoke to score against Arsenal from a Rory Delap long throw

- Eduardo not to play a competitive game again in 2008

Jack wins:

- Will Smith is younger than 40 (the bet was made a couple of months before he turned 40)

by Joel Abraham

The South African courts have convicted Super Stevie England on charges of sabotage, as well as other crimes committed while he lead the movement against apartheid. In accordance with his conviction, Gerralt is expected to serve 27 years in prison, spending most of these years on Robben Island.

I for one shall not rest until the captain of the Beloved Reds is released, and until that day comes, I will not eat, drink, or sleep. I urge you to join me and show solidarity for our brother.

You'll Never Work Alone

by Joel Abraham

It's got to that point in the year when the crushing disappointment of your own team's mediocrity has become too much, and consequently your only understanding of whether or not you're pleased with the weekly results is through the conduit of Fantasy Football. Your team got battered, but it's okay, because Mikel Arteta got an assist. Halfway through the season, it's a good time to review.

-  Everyone has Stephen Ireland

I had him from the start because I'm excellent, but if you have him, keep him. It's just a question of parity. He is a frustrating FF player - he'll get one point for three games running, and then suddenly get 19. Don't get excited if he scores - whether he gets one point or 50, it's meaningless. The same applies for Bosingwa and Ronaldo, but they're both so expensive that they're not worth having anyway.

- Wigan players are great value

The defenders particularly - they cost from between 4.2 and 4.5, and Wigan have a good defensive record. Zaki looks like he might pick up again, and with him on penalty duty, he's worth the money.

- Don't pick Arsenal players

The defence is porous, none of the midfielders stand out, Adebayor is flaky and van Persie will never give you two good games in a row. You might fall into the trap of thinking "Clichy is a good player", but the defence as a unit is poor and rarely keep clean sheets. The one exception is Denilson. Now that Fabregas is crocked, Denilson is a guaranteed starter and is always good for the odd goal and assist, considering his price.

- There are only three Liverpool players worth picking

Liverpool are a FF nightmare. They don't keep many clean sheets, they have no consistent goalscorers, and they simply grind out results without anybody in particular excelling. Benitez messes around with the lineup so often that it's not worth getting anybody apart from Reina, Carragher and Gerrard. You might fancy someone like Skrtel, but even if he plays brilliantly and keeps a load of clean sheets, Benitez will inexplicably swap him for Hyypia after a couple of games. As for Reina, I've had him for the whole season with the superior Schwarzer on the bench, and the number of points I've lost as a result makes me very sad indeed. 

- Get on the Fulham defensive bandwagon

Schwarzer, Hangeland, Hughes, Konchesky and Paintsil will always start, so pick one and enjoy.

- Don't pick Anelka

Drogba's back, so they'll probably both stop scoring.

- Man City are good 25% of the time

They only play well at home, and when they win, they win big. It might even be worth benching them when they're away. Players like Ireland and Robinho will do brilliantly in every other home game.

- Don't pick Delap or Geovanni

I know you want to, just don't.

- Chelsea only keep clean sheets with Carvalho

So get him in there now.

- Don't pick any Villa defenders until Laursen is back

They'll probably ship goals until then.

- Get rid of all your Portsmouth players

Let's face it, they've gone a bit crap under Tony Adams.

- Keep an eye on Jason Roberts

Under Allardyce, he'll probably be the focal point of the attack. Their defenders may also start keeping clean sheets, but they're still too expensive to take a gamble on them yet.

BO

SING

WA

David Pleat I don't mind, because he doesn't know any better and likes to hilariously mispronounce almost everybody's names. As for the rest of you, get it right or I'm putting my foot through the TV and sending you the bill.

by Joel Abraham

So, Roy Keane bottled it. He bottled it for Ireland, he bottled it at United, he bottled it at Celtic and now he’s bottled it at Sunderland.

No longer will we be forced to watch a terrible Sunderland side on TV just because of their manager. 'Roy Keane's Sunderland' are no more, and nobody seems particularly surprised.

After an impressive promotion-winning campaign, Keane's Premier League debut season was a disappointment, not least for the TV producers. The role of raging psychopath was continually foisted upon Keane, who instead turned out to be quiet, withdrawn, and visibly out of his depth. The Mackems rode their luck and finished 15^th last season, and the honeymoon period was well and truly over.

The pressure of the second season took its toll on Keane, who became quieter, stranger, sporting a bizarre beard and giving oddly bleak post-match interviews. His tactics became incomprehensible, notably for the visit of West Ham, where Sunderland repeatedly played the ball out wide to cross for Cisse, in spite of the clear aerial dominance of Upson and Collins.

The nature of this season’s Premier League is such that a run of two or three poor results causes most teams to go sliding down the table. Sunderland have done just that, and one suspects that as they slipped into 18^th, Keane panicked.

His scattergun transfer policy is also highly questionable. When you spend £70m and the best player you have to show for it is Kenwyne Jones, it's probably time to think about doing something else.

And so it turned out, Keane didn't fancy management, and wasn't particularly good at it either. He leaves Sunderland well and truly up the creek, with an oversized, underperforming squad that has little resale value.

Where now for Sunderland? Without their celebrity manager, nobody cares.

22:33 - Liverpool take on Wigan at Anfield. Daniel Agger, who obviously has Amr Zaki in his FF team, gives the ball away to Amr Zaki, who scores.

22:35 - Dirk Kuyt scores, Kirkland gets a hand to the shot but is unable to keep it out. Is Kuyt able to score a goal that doesn't hit a player on the way in?

22:36 - Kuyt unleashes a 25 yard screamer that luckily hits the bar and bounces to safety, thereby rendering my previous statement correct.

22:40 - Zaki doubles Agger's weekly FF tally by scoring a wonderful scissor kick. He bears more than a passing resemblence to Porto's Incredible Hulk.

22:43 - Liverpool get another turn at their free-kick because Stevie G wasn't ready yet. Antonio Valencia is booked for distracting him.

22:44 - Stevie G hits the free-kick and misses anyway.

22:46 - Dirk Couight scores a scissor-kick that's rubbish compared to Zaki's. Kirkland gets a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

22:48 - Alan Shearer praises "a great game, with good players on both sides, and I include Wigan in that". Thanks Alan!

22:50 - Shearer continues to praise Zaki, showing footage of him shoving and kicking Liverpool players, adding a bizarre narrative of phrases like "get off, Carragher" and "push off". He tops it off by telling us that "Zaki gave him an uncomfortable afternoon all day".

22:56 - Chelsea maul Boro at the Riverside, even with Malouda and Anelka up front, who are just clowns. It's very strange seeing a Chelsea goalkeeper not wearing a little hat.

22:57 - Juliano Belletti scores a cracker from distance. The commentator shrieks: "Where did he get that from!?" as if he's smuggled the goal illegally onto the pitch from his house.

22:58 - Florent Malouda scores, rounding off a performance that is somehow both good and terrible at the same time.

23:03 - Gareth Southgate (or as Goal.com called him, Soutgate) looks like he's been crying. Kalou delivers a very coy post-match interview.

23:04 - Shearer makes a comment about Jose 'Boswinger'. Chelsea are starting to look really scary.

23:06 - Everton take on Arsenal at the Emirates, "a ground where they haven't won since 1996".

23:06 - Leon Osman scores. Steven Pienaar points to the sky in what must be a touching tribute to the late Pat Lampard.

23:10 - Manuel Almunia "runs into traffic" whilst defending a corner.

23:14 - Diaby makes his comeback without managing to kill anybody. Theo Walcott scores a FIFA 08 goal.

23:16 - Wolkot tells us he just wants to play football, but not too much

23:19 - Paul Corbally wins the September goal of the month competition for his cracking effort for Hull against Arsenal. Corbally, from Blackburn, decides to go and watch Man United as his prize. No wonder Ewood Park is always fucking empty.

23:21 - Man United are playing as if they're also on FIFA 08, just running at opposition players and knocking them over.

23:23 - Wayne Rooney scores a fine solo goal and runs off celebrating like a demented giant baby.

23:24 - C. Ron Hubbard scores and refuses to celebrate against West Brom, who are his favourite team.

23:25 - Dimitar Berbatov scores, and then looks like he instantly regrets it as he realises he can't be bothered to celebrate properly.

23:27 - Nani scores and does the best celebration of the lot, doing some kind of Tekken move.

23:28 - That's it, no more goals. The highlights are over.

23:29 - All three pundits attempt to simultaneosly insert their heads up Wayne Rooney's anus.

23:30 - Fulham unveil a statue of Johnny Haynes made entirely from Bourneville dark chocolate.

23:31 - The advertising hoardings at Craven Cottage are bizarrely promoting their next game on Sky, as if they don't want their fans to bother watching it at the ground.

23:32 - Kieran Richardson manages to hit the post three times with a free-kick.

23:35 - The commentator tells us the match was destined to end 0-0. I wish he'd told us sooner.

23:39 - Villa Park appear to be playing the music from the Thorpe Park ride 'Colossus' in their pre-match buildup. Martin O'Neill has chosen four players at random to make up his defence.

23:43 - Sean Davis is sent off, and reacts like he's been the first person to be voted off Big Brother.

23:44 - Both post-match interviews with the managers focus on who threw a coin at the linesman. MOTD have apparently compensated for the lack of goals by turning the rest of the show into a game of Cluedo.

23:47 - The Bolton v Blackburn highlights seems to contain only footage of the teams winning corners.

23:50 - Ryan Nelsen appears to have no teeth, and some sort of learning difficulty. He talks about the weather whilst grinning like a massive idiot.

by Joel Abraham from Block 13 of the Emirates Stadium

Arsenal 3 : 1 Everton

'A game of two halves' might be a cliche, but you'll forgive me for employing it this afternoon.

Arsenal climbed to third place and Everton dropped to 16th, as both teams reverted to type in an entertaining battle in North London.

Everton had the better of the first half; Moyes promised his team would attack, and he was true to his word as Leon Osman gave them an early lead. His neat one-two with Steven Pienaar opened up the makeshift Arsenal defence, with Denilson losing his man and allowing Osman to score.

The visitors' five-man midfield denied Arsenal and in particular Cesc Fabregas space to play in. The midfield was frequently bypassed as a result, as many long balls were aimed towards Adebayor with little success. Joleon Lescott and Phil Jagielka dealt well with the aerial threat, restricting the hosts to a single first-half shot on target. Robin van Persie squandered Arsenal's best chance of the first half, firing straight at Tim Howard.

Everton played energetically and aggressively, winning most of the 50/50 balls and creating several good chances. Their main tactic were long balls towards Yakubu and Marouane Fellaini, whose knockdowns in particular caused Arsenal problems in midfield. Osman should have doubled their lead after being fed by Yakubu, who skipped past another half-hearted Denilson challenge. Silvestre improved as the game continued, intercepting several dangerous passes, making some crucial clearances and keeping Yakubu quiet. However, large gaps were appearing between Toure and Song that Everton should have capitalised upon.

Arsenal began to focus their attacks down the left-hand side, with the impressive Gael Clichy and Samir Nasri getting in behind Tony Hibbert and putting in several decent crosses that Adebayor and van Persie ought to have done better with. Arsenal were running out of ideas, and the half-time whistle forced a tactical reshuffle from Arsene Wenger.

The introduction of Theo Walcott at half time for Kolo Toure galvanised Arsenal, providing them with the attacking outlet they were lacking. Eboue moved to right-back and Song into central defence, giving Arsenal some genuine width. Walcott's runs raised the tempo and injected some much-needed urgency into their play, as he and Eboue doubled up well on Leighton Baines. Everton were on the back foot, and Arsenal began to dominate.

The visitors were camped inside their own penalty area for much of the second-half, and any attempts to counter were mopped up well by Denilson, who maintained the hosts' attacking momentum. As the sun broke through the clouds overhead, the volume inside the stadium grew and a goal seemed inevitable. Nasri lashed in an equaliser through a crowded penalty area and van Persie nodded in a rebound from Fabregas' saved shot. 

Arsenal continued attacking, and Walcott sealed the win with an angled strike through Howard's legs. The visitors were simply unable to cope with the speed and movement of Arsenal's second-half performance, and will be left ruing their failure to extend their early lead when they had the chance.

Everton fans will be left pondering another squandered lead, whilst Arsenal will be wondering why it took them 45 minutes to start playing.

When it comes to England everyone has their opinion, whether it's shoehorning all the best players onto the pitch even if it means a lack of balance, or whether it's sacrificing star players for the sake of a collective identity.

Fitting together all England's best players 

James - Gerrard - Ferdinand - Terry - Cole - Walcott - Lampard - Barry - Cole. J - Rooney - Owen 

Balance for the sake of the team

James - Brown - Ferdinand - Terry - Cole - Walcott/W-Phillips - Lampard - Barry  - Cole.J - Heskey - Rooney

Obviously we need to find a safer pair of hands than David James, a world-class right back, and a role for Michael Owen. I would start Lampard ahead of Gerrard at the moment (despite Gerrard being a better player) because Lampard is in great form. I would eventually like to see a Gerrard - Barry axis in the centre. I still think a Rooney - Owen partnership has great potential (Euro 2004) but for the time being would be happy to start with Heskey with Owen on the bench.

What are you thoughts for the Belarus game? I would start Gerrard and Bridge on the left, with the rest of the team as from Croatia (bar John Terry)