by Joe Walton

On March 9, Michael Jackson was in London announcing that he would be playing 50 gigs in London. The assembled crowd of morons screamed as he told them the news that they already knew. Last night, Cristiano Ronaldo was 'unveiled' as a Real Madrid player in front of a near-capacity Bernabeu. At one point crazed fans ran towards their new hero of 1 hour prompting Ronaldo to be hurried out of the ground by Police accompanied by an angelic sound track.

One can draw comparisons between the two. They are both undoubtedly global stars with a truly world-wide fan base, they are both self-styled fashion icons, they have both been linked with some of the world's most glamourous women and, if you believe the reports of Jackson's autopsy, they are both hairless from the neck down. But there is one key difference. Ronaldo is one of the best practitioners of a team sport, whereas Michael Jackson was a solo star.

If a record label was to sign up the biggest musicians in the world it would make them the best record label in the world. This isn't true of football clubs. A club with the biggest names in football does not necessarily make them the best team. Although the attendance at the Bernabeu yesterday was boosted because school is out for summer holidays in Spain, the fact that it was world news needs to be taken with a pinch of salt. As good a player and as marketable as Ronaldo is, he still has to fit into a team. Teams that win things are good at football, not at events organising.

by Joel Abraham

This one seems to have slipped under the radar of the British press, but it's huge news in America. Stan Kroenke, major Arsenal shareholder and US sports tycoon, has found himself engaged in an all-out media war with Vince McMahon and the WWE.

WWE were booked into Kroenke's Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado, for next Monday. The booking was made in August, with tickets going on sale the following April. Then, Kroenke's basketball team, the Denver Nuggets, made it to the Conference final against the Los Angeles Lakers, which would take place on the same night. Kroenke subsequently dumped the WWE from his venue at short notice in favour of the NBA game, leaving them and thousands of fans in the lurch.

Kroenke is definitely in the wrong here, and has made a complete fool of himself. Whatever you might think about professional wrestling, it's not fair that the company and the fans were given the boot with such short notice. The WWE have since pulled all events from Colorado, moved them to the Staples Center in LA (home of the Lakers) and started an full-scale mudslinging contest through the press.

McMahon is milking this for all it's worth. Leaving aside the inevitable messy legal fallout, the WWE are getting buckets of free publicity, with the effervescent McMahon labelling Kroenke a "chicken nugget", challenging him to a steel cage fight (no, seriously) and offering to give him a Lakers shirt. 

Should Arsenal fans be worried by all this? It's a clear sign of Kroenke's ruthless business acumen. He thought he could make more money from the NBA game, so the WWE and its fans were out on their arse. Maybe Kroenke is a seasoned businessman who knows how to make the most money possible, yet the shocking disrespect he's shown a huge industry and all of its followers is certainly a cause for concern. If he decides to hike up ticket prices, will he even think twice about the thousands of diehard Arsenal fans who would no longer be able to afford to go?

This is all speculation, but Kroenke's philosophy is clear - money talks.

by Joel Abraham

The emperor raised his hand. Making a fist, a bit like the Black Panthers or Cristiano Lucarelli, he then extended his thumb. The bloodthirsty crowds held their breath. The emperor rotated his hand 90 degrees, his thumb pointing towards the sky. The crowd roared. Gladiators had just been commissioned for a second series on Sky One!

The classic UK ITV gameshow needs no introduction, but I’ll give it one for the sake of fluency. The first series of Gladiators was aired in the year 2000, directed by Ridley Scott and starring Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix and the late Oliver Reed, who tragically died during a round of Powerball towards the end of Series One. The show went on to win five Academy Awards in the 73rd Academy Awards ceremony, including Best Picture.

Fast-forward eight years, and Gladiators is back with a bang. It hasn’t been an easy process. It was announced that there were many injuries involved in making the new Sky One revival. They have said that health and safety is their number one issue, and want to minimise the injuries, but point out that: “This is Gladiators - a tough physical show for athletes. It’s not Family Fortunes!”

Too right it’s not. Les Dennis and groups of homely northern extended families would be foolish to even think of appearing on Gladiators. They probably wouldn’t make it past the first event, and if they got as far as the Eliminator, they’d almost certainly fall down the Travellator at least two times. It’s an intense gameshow that leaves its participants on the brink of death, and the list of casualties bears witness to this.

At least one contestant has had to withdraw from the opening episode, while one of the Gladiators is said to have slipped on a bridge and had to leave the set. Another Gladiator had a stomach bug and Enigma has suffered from an injured ankle. In addition, Enigma was involved in an incident on Gauntlet where a contender kicked a ram rod into her face, resulting in a confrontation and the contender being disqualified. Contestants have also suffered injuries including a broken toe, a damaged knee, a neck injury, as well as one contestant suffering a broken arm in the quarter finals. In the second episode of "Gladiators: The Legends Strike Back" female legend Scorpio suffered an ankle fracture while parcipitating in The Wall.

The original Gladiators will always have a place in the heart of the British nation, so let’s take this opportunity to copy and paste what was on Wikipedia to see where they are now. (Author's Note: This is taken word for word from Wiki. I did not construct any of the following sentences.)

Sharron Davies MBE won two gold medals at the Commonwealth Games and a silver at the 1980 Olympics in Moscow, but will be best remembered for her starring role as Amazon in Series 4 of Gladiators in 1996. Davies once lived with Neil Adams, who had won numerous Olympic and World Championship medals in judo, in a long term relationship until he left her suddenly to marry a hairdresser. Davies had a breast enhancement operation after the birth of her first child and her figure was the subject of much tabloid gossip during the 2004 Olympic Games.

Eunice Huthart will forever be remembered for winning Gladiators and then being invited to return to the show as a Gladiator herself, Blaze. She remains the only UK contender to ever become a Gladiator. Eunice made her first appearance on Gladiators in 1994, and went on to become the female series champion that year. In the Grand Final, she and Kerryn Sampey had an exciting Eliminator where Eunice fell down the Travelator twice. After going to International Gladiators, Eunice got a job working on the James Bond film, Goldeneye where she acted as a stunt double for Famke Janssen. She has since carved out a successful career doing stunts in films such as The Fifth Element, Titanic, The Avengers, and the Tomb Raider films. She doubles frequently for Angelina Jolie.

Diane Youdale, from Billingham, was best known for her role as Jet on the television series Gladiators. In April 2007 she appeared on the Trisha Goddard show on Channel Five, and in September 2007 she was correctly identified as a Gladiator on the BBC2 quiz show Identity. She also appeared on the Irish TV show The Cafe. A bulimic in her teenage years, Youdale now conducts Pilates classes at the weekend.

Judith ("Judy") Earline Veronica Simpson (née Livermore), is a former British heptathlete. She competed in three Commonwealth Games, 1982, 1986 and 1990, winning a silver, gold and bronze respectively in the heptathlon. She also competed in the heptathlon at the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow and in the heptathlon and long jump at the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. She was also the Three A's heptathlon champion in 1982 and 1983. In 1986 she won a bronze medal in the heptathlon at the European Championships in Stuttgart with a personal best points total of 6623. More importantly, between 1993 and 1996 she featured in the UK TV show Gladiators as Nightshade. She now has a brother called Earl Livermore.

Jaine Grace Omorogbe is perhaps best known as Rio on ITVs "Gladiators". Omorogbe is also the main motorcycle reporter for both The Sun and The Times newspapers.

Suzanne Cox was at one point a gladiator in the UK television show Gladiators. She went by the name Vogue. Most recently Cox has done some modelling, presenting a television show called The Fix and inspiring a computer game featuring an all-action cyberbabe called Silver. She also had a fashion shop ‘COR’ which she co-ran along with Saracen and former Gladiator Panther. Even with all this she has found time to record many fitness videos.

Warren Furman is best known for his role of Ace on on the British TV show Gladiators from 1996 to 2000. He is currently residing in York, England and working for his brother's loft-conversion company. He was also at one point engaged to model, Katie Price, better known as Jordan and has appeared on BBC TV show DIY SOS in Lowry Turner's team as a temporary replacement.

Michael Willson starred as Cobra on the British TV show Gladiators from 1992-2000. In the Gladiators, Cobra would not take himself too seriously, he would pull faces at the judges and the audience, wear wigs and do monkey impressions. Cobra is known for his high-kicks and splits upon entering the Gladiator arena at the start of each episode. He is also known as the joker of the Gladiators team. His practical jokes lighten the mood between the shows as filming can be very stressful. Although he is the joker in the pack, he is deadly serious when it comes to the events; as soon as he hears the call of 'Gladiators Ready', he is ready for action. He more recently visited the University of Dundee union to take part in some games with the students.

Mark Smith competed as Rhino on on the popular ITV show, Gladiators. Since leaving, Smith has appeared several blockbusters including 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy', 'Rollin' with the Nines' and an appearance as a 'Shadow Warrior' in the film Batman Begins. On 4th June 2005, at London's infamous York Hall, Smith went head to head with lottery winner Michael Carroll in a boxing match. The fight drew much publicity with the press conference ending in a brawl after Carroll lunged for Smith. On the day, the fight had to be stopped three times due to Carroll's inability to continue. The former binman later stated "I will definitely get back in the ring with him. I will train harder next time." The charity re-match took place at the Manchester Evening News Arena in September 2005. This time Carroll was knocked out in the 2nd Round.

Jefferson King played Shadow in the ITV show Gladiators. As his alias Shadow, he was legendary for his icy stare and his record in the 'Duel' event. He once hit his opponent so hard in the event 'Duel' that it clearly damaged the ends of the pugil stick. He also successfully served as captain for the Gladiators. He was dramatically sacked from Gladiators due to steroid abuse. This shock removal of one of Gladiators most well-known heroes brought home notion that no Gladiator was bigger than the show, however much their egos might suggest otherwise.

John Seru is best known as Vulcan in the Australian version of TV Series Gladiators, as well as joining the British Gladiators team in Seasons 7 and 8. He is also known for his part in the James Bond film, The World Is Not Enough, where he plays henchman Gabor. He was on the game show 'Chains of Love.'

Michael Van Wijk (born in Bombay, India, 30 September 1952), is most well-known for his role as Wolf on British TV endurance sports game show Gladiators, a role he held for seven years . According to a Sky One interview, producers refused to allow Van Wijk to be mean as a Gladiator, but he soon persuaded them to let him try it. This distinct persona led him to be the most popular Gladiator in the history of the show. He once stated on Gladiators that his favourite television show was Star Trek.  In the early 1990's Michael had an unsuccessful trial with Gillingham F.C. Van Wijk used to run a gym in Hayes in Bromley, London called 'Wolfs Gym'. Most recently he appeared on the Gladiators Legends Special where he took part in alongside Ace, Hunter and Trojan. But the standing ovation Wolf received when he reappeared in the Gladiator arena was said to have lasted for five minutes, holding up filming of the show and forcing producers to quieten the crowd.

The relationship between Hunter (James Crossley) and presenter Ulrika Jonsson was a tabloid focus during 1996 and 1997. The pair initially denied the affair, but later Jonsson admitted it in her 2003 biography.

After the Wembley live shows in 1993, Phoenix, Flame and Hawk were sensationally sacked from the show, having polled the lowest amount of votes in a magazine.

Michael Ahearne, better known as Warrior, was released from the show in 1998 after being arrested for a fire arms offence.

 by Joe Walton 

Campaigning for the UEFA Presidency almost two years ago, Michel Platini campaigned on the grounds of change, a common tactic for anti-incumbents. The major specific change that Platini wanted was the promotion of smaller, less fancied teams in the Europe competitions. A week after the announcement concerning the future of the UEFA Cup, it is a good time to analyse to what extent Platini’s has enacted change to promote Europe’s smaller clubs.

Last Friday UEFA announced that the UEFA Cup will undergo a major rebranding to follow up last years decision to introduce Champions League-esque groups stages. The statement on the UEFA website was full of marketing initiatives like “centralised broadcasting contracts”, “an official matchball” and “centralised sponsorship contracts”, however it is unclear how this chimes with Platini’s smaller club crusade.

Yes there is more television and sponsorship money, but the millions spent on rebranding will ultimately be pointless unless the football (or the product in marketing speech) improves. The reason the UEFA Cup has seen its popularity plummet, is not because of its logo, or decentralised sponsorship, but because the football is all too often poor.

The Europa League will never compare favourably with the Champions League because it is a second rate competition, so for UEFA to make it increasingly similar runs counter to Platini’s pledge. If he truly wanted to reinvigorate the competition whilst promoting smaller clubs he should have pushed to make the set-up a straight knock-out. This would make it stand out as its own competition and lessen unfavourable comparisons, whilst allowing smaller clubs more of a chance to progress. When the Champions League scrapped the second group stage, the chances of less established teams winning increased, the same should be applied to the Europa League.

UEFA will never truly implement this type of change because the bigger teams wouldn’t stand for it. One double-headed qualifying game followed by a lucrative group stage is far more appealing to clubs who have failed to make it to the Champions League, especially with more sponsorship. Platini doesn’t care about the smaller clubs, instead he is another suit more concerned with marketing the game than improving it.

by Stuart Gillespie

There's not a lot of content on YouTube relating to my team, St Johnstone. What? St Johnstone . . . Scottish team . . . First Division . . . come from Perth . . . no? Only team in Britain with a J in their name? See, you knew them.

One of those rare clips exemplifies my favourite situation in a football match. It's Matt Glennon, now of Huddersfield Town, scoring a last-gasp equaliser against Ross County that kept us in an ultimately fruitless promotion chase a few seasons back.

Nothing gets my heart pounding or brings a cheeky grin of expectation to my face more easily than when a goalkeeper comes up for a late corner. It's brilliant, and as a tactic for game-chasing teams should be used more often, if not made compulsory under the laws of the game.

There are a number of conclusions to such an episode, and I'm not sure which is the most satisfying. Seeing a keeper score is great, especially when, like Glennon's, it's a proper striker's finish rather than the my-face-means-nothing-to-me John Terry-style header that glovemen are more usually successful with.

But equally excellent, in a perverse way, is when the set-piece is cleared and you get to witness the four-on-one breakaway scenario with the goalkeeper haring back, breathing heavily from his first pitch-length dash, at the bottom of your television screen. I say television screen because if you're at the match it's likely to involve your team, in which case this sort of late drama is the last thing you want. Either you're facing a heartbreaking defeat, with all hopes resting on the imbecile who let in the crucial goal being able to cause some panic in the opposition defence, or you face the ultimate ignominy of having your glorious victory snatched away from you by someone who's only on the pitch in the first place because they're freakishly tall and don't mind being kicked in the head.

At all other times, though, goalkeepers doing things they shouldn't is the most joyous sight in the game. There's a long list of heroes in this field: Peter Schmeichel, Andres Palop, Jose Luis Chilavert, Paul Robinson, to name just a few. Stuart Pearce even stuck David James up front towards the end of one Man City game. Here was David bloody James, wearing an outfield jersey, actually running around and kicking the ball. Brilliant!

Anyway, I'll leave you with the ultimate goalkeeping, goalscoring hero: Sir Jimmy Glass.

by Stuart Gillespie 

This might not go down well with my fellow students of the game, but the football that has excited me most over the last couple of days has been of the variety where they don't actually use their feet very much.

I found out yesterday that I've got a ticket for next month's NFL match at Wembley between New Orleans Saints and San Diego Chargers. I'm not one of those Brits who blindly rails against the sport purely because it's American and happens to have the same name as our beloved game, but nor am I a huge fan. In fact I only know a handful of players and, to be honest, I'm pretty sketchy on the rules.

So why am I so excited?

Because on Sunday 26 October I'll be able to indulge in some of the things that, in the austere world of British soccer, are considered superfluous, distracting and, for many people, cringeworthy. I'm talking about the carnival that accompanies every game of American football, from the Superbowl to the most meaningless high school fixture. All the fun of the fair with some men in helmets running around to give the whole spectacle some flimsy validation.

On the morning of the game, for instance, I will be attending the official 'tailgate' party, a tradition for gridiron fans. For the unfamiliar, it's a barbecue/piss-up in a car park.

But unlike the pre-match pie and pint that we know and love, this will feature cheerleaders. Not the Primark sales assistant types you see at the JJB or the Reebok, doing primary school talent show routines (though sometimes, as seen above, it's even worse than that). But proper hot cheerleaders doing flips and pyramids.

On reflection, that's really the only reason I'm excited. We have a superior game that stands up by itself without ludicrous gimmickry, such as Janet Jackson getting her waps out at half-time. Important matches in our version of football don't need to be prefixed by Super-mega-uber-enormo. We could even have a barbie in the car park at the KC Stadium if we felt like it.

But their cheerleaders really are fit...