Spring sees football players and writers alike scratch their heads and try to work out who has been the season's best performer (the players probably do more scratching). Students of the Game runs the rule over the contenders.

Nemanja Vidic (Manchester United)

Still the bookies' favourite, despite Saturday's calamitous showing against Liverpool. He was exposed by arguably the world's best striker, but if his side go on to win the title it'll be Vidic's countless exceptional displays that will be remembered. And in a season with no truly outstanding forward, it has been United's incredible run of clean sheets that has shaped the way the table currently lies.

Ryan Giggs (Manchester United)

The nostalgia fan's favourite, the evergreen Welshman has been endorsed by several pundits, including the BBC's Alan Hansen. Giggs has certainly been impressive during United's post-November run, excelling in his new central role while recapturing, in flashes, some of his teenage brilliance. He's also maintained his record of having scored in every Premier League season along the way. But can a player who has started less than a third of his side's matches really be considered for the award?

Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)

Gerrard still has his critics, but Liverpool's top scorer has been as consistent as ever throughout his side's Premier League challenge. And his recent performances against Manchester United and Real Madrid will be fresh in the minds of voters. He has, however, been shorn of his partner in crime Fernando Torres for half the campaign, and with just nine games left it looks like his side will yet again fall short in the title race.

Frank Lampard (Chelsea)

With Essien out, Drogba misfiring, Ballack inconsistent and Anelka having scored just once in 2009, it has fallen on Lampard to inspire last year's nearly men to go one better. With his Premier League goal tally again in double figures, Lampard's renewed partnership with Essien will be crucial if the Blues are to overhaul Manchester United.

Ashley Young (Aston Villa)

Villa's season is in grave danger of petering out, which would be hugely disappointing for a club that looked like infiltrating the Big Four until just a few weeks ago. Martin O'Neill's settled side has been a blessing and, latterly, a curse, but of their small squad Young has been the star. Despite his manager's claims, he's not up there with Messi yet, but he has been very, very good in a season that promised so much for Villa.

Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United)

Right up there in the betting, despite being nowhere near as potent as last season. Perhaps he's been a victim of his previous standards, though, as he's still managed better than a goal every other game in the Premier League, and provides the greatest attacking threat in a team going for the "quintuple".

Other names in the frame with the bookies: Rio Ferdinand, Edwin van der Sar, Wayne Rooney, Stephen Ireland, Fernando Torres, Robin van Persie, Robinho.

by Joel Abraham

After 117 minutes of turgid, boring football, ITV skip to a commercial break in the middle of the match and miss the only goal of the game, a fine solo effort by young Dan Gosling.

Was that deliberate? Opportunism at its worst? Were they trying to cram in a couple of adverts before the shootout began?

They might claim it was accidental (which the subsequent faults may lend credence to) but the fact that they resumed coverage immediately after the goal is mightily suspicious.

One minute I'm watching a football match, the next minute I'm watching that stupid VW advert of a middle aged man in a suit fighting himself, the next minute I'm watching Everton players celebrating. Utterly shambolic.

To compound that, the commentators gave us a half-arsed apology "if you missed the goal". What do you mean, "if"? Every single viewer in the country missed it, there's no "if".

I really hope somebody gets sacked for that. BBC, Sky, Setanta, anybody, save us.

by Joel Abraham

I actually hate Mike Riley, and yet strangely found myself feeling sorry for him yesterday. The general public, Amnesty International, the UN and NATO are in uproar about the fact that chubby Frank, saviour of the English game, the child of Christ, football passion incarnate, fearless leader of the beloved Anfield reds (oh wait, that's the other one) was given a red card for a clumsy challenge. Mike Riley is public enemy #1.

Who pops up to stick the boot into Riley but the three-card clown Graham Poll. Everything that comes out of Poll's horrible mouth means less than nothing. His words are meaningless, airborne toxic events. His comments can usually be translated as "LOOK AT ME!! PLEASE!". On this occasion he said something along the lines of "How can we respect referees when they continue to make appalling decisions?", which is a line trotted out by all stupid people when a penalty is awarded against their team or when their favouritest player in the world gets sent off.

Leaving aside the delicious irony of Poll criticising the quality of somebody else's refereeing, Poll is highlighting one of the most brainless and infuriating cliches spewed by people with no understanding of the principles underlying the Respect campaign. It is all the more staggering that they've come from a former referee.

Comments like these miss the point entirely, and is precisely the mentality that means the 'Respect' campaign is doomed to failure. The concept of respecting the referee should not be dependent upon the accuracy of their decisions. The point of the campaign was to reduce ugly scenes of dissent, not to place an immediate impetus on referees to make the correct decision every time.

What the campaign asks for is that players respect the decision, even if they disagree with it. In other words, the referee is always right. It's a noble idea, albeit rather naive. But with players, managers, pundits, fans and even fellow referees crucifying every incorrect decision, I can't see it catching on.

These days, so-called post-match "analysis" is just a list of all the refereeing decisions that pompous pundits and imbecilic ex-pros think were incorrect, their wise judgements based upon multiple slow-motion replays from every conceivable angle. Players and managers love to blame their own inadequacies on the odd questionable decision. If people actually let the refs get on with their jobs, god forbid, then pundits, players and managers might have to do their jobs properly too.

by Joel Abraham

I like Manchester City. I wrote a few months ago about how I was relishing the prospect of a star-studded City XI, and with Kaka seemingly close to becoming the newest recruit, I can't bloomin' wait.

People are constantly lecturing us on how £108m could be better spent, how Mark Hughes needs a team of grafters and warriors to shore up the defence. Maybe, but wouldn't you much rather be watching Kaka?

I think Man City should be applauded for their pursuit of players like Robinho and Kaka, who make the game worth watching. Surely this is preferable to the philosophies of cloggers like Gary Megson and Tony Pulis, whose sole aim to to strangle the life out of any game they take part in?

At worst, Kaka becomes a hilarious expensive flop. At best, we get to see one of the world's finest footballers producing his artistry on a regular basis. This does of course beg the question as to whether any footballer could ever live up to such a price tag, but it's a question we should ignore for the sake of the beautiful game.

It's an obscene amount of money. Yet I find the idea of Abu Dhabi's oil money being poured into football a lot more palatable than Abramovich's cash, which by all accounts should've remained in the Russian public services sector.

Arsene Wenger is claiming this is terrible for football, immoral, unfair. Possibly, but until every other Premier League club is owned by oil barons, I suggest we enjoy Man City for the novelty act that they have become.

P.S. On a side note, I find the moral dilemma for Kaka himself utterly fascinating. As a devout Christian who allegedly has no interest in money, is he about to sell his soul for £1m a month?

22:18: Pickles the cat settles down on my chest ready for MOTD.

22:23: Carson does a Carson. He always does that.

22:25: Pickles runs away because I wasn't paying her enough attention.

22:26: Carson makes a great save, but it's too late because he's already fucked everything up.

22:29: Tony Mowbray looks like a haunted Robbie Keane.

22:33: The studio pundits are looking fantastically orange.

22:35: Liverpool's vile match against Stoke is inexplicably up second. I hope they show Gerralt's dive.

22:39: Record signing Kitson misses another chance and has yet to score for Stoke, who should probably buy someone slightly more expensive to stop him from being the record signing.

22:41: £20m striking sensation Robbie Keane remains on the bench at the expense of 1) a clearly unfit Torres, 2) the lumbering Ryan Babel, 3) Benitez not fancying bringing on a third sub.

22:42: The MOTD propaganda machine fails to show Gerralt's spectacular dive.

22:44: Benitez has started to go a little bit mental.

22:48: Phil Brown is wearing an elaborate scarf which sort of looks like a big snake wrapped around his neck.

22:49: Marouane Fellaini scores, in spite of his hair being a good yard offside.

22:56: The post-match interviews are filmed in Shakeycam.

22:57: Mikel Arteta appears to be wearing makeup and looks like a beautiful lady.

23:03: Owen has yet another "he usually scores those" moment.

23:05: The commentator keeps bleating on about how West Ham v Newcastle games usually average four goals in an unconvincing effort to disguise the fact that all their commentary is dubbed on afterwards.

23:07: In a borderline racist statement, the commentator says that players from Italy are good at protesting their innocence.

23:09: The racially confused Andy Carroll scores an equaliser. The man looks like a complete tool.

23:16: Ricky Sbragia looks like one of those characters from Beauty and the Beast that were transformed from an inanimate object into a living creature by magic.

23:29: Gareth Southgate appears to have styled his hair like Kazuya from Tekken.

23:35: Gary Megson names only four substitutes who he encouragingly describes as 'just free transfers and kids".

Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro  Lawro 

by Joel Abraham

The emperor raised his hand. Making a fist, a bit like the Black Panthers or Cristiano Lucarelli, he then extended his thumb. The bloodthirsty crowds held their breath. The emperor rotated his hand 90 degrees, his thumb pointing towards the sky. The crowd roared. Gladiators had just been commissioned for a second series on Sky One!

The classic UK ITV gameshow needs no introduction, but I’ll give it one for the sake of fluency. The first series of Gladiators was aired in the year 2000, directed by Ridley Scott and starring Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix and the late Oliver Reed, who tragically died during a round of Powerball towards the end of Series One. The show went on to win five Academy Awards in the 73rd Academy Awards ceremony, including Best Picture.

Fast-forward eight years, and Gladiators is back with a bang. It hasn’t been an easy process. It was announced that there were many injuries involved in making the new Sky One revival. They have said that health and safety is their number one issue, and want to minimise the injuries, but point out that: “This is Gladiators - a tough physical show for athletes. It’s not Family Fortunes!”

Too right it’s not. Les Dennis and groups of homely northern extended families would be foolish to even think of appearing on Gladiators. They probably wouldn’t make it past the first event, and if they got as far as the Eliminator, they’d almost certainly fall down the Travellator at least two times. It’s an intense gameshow that leaves its participants on the brink of death, and the list of casualties bears witness to this.

At least one contestant has had to withdraw from the opening episode, while one of the Gladiators is said to have slipped on a bridge and had to leave the set. Another Gladiator had a stomach bug and Enigma has suffered from an injured ankle. In addition, Enigma was involved in an incident on Gauntlet where a contender kicked a ram rod into her face, resulting in a confrontation and the contender being disqualified. Contestants have also suffered injuries including a broken toe, a damaged knee, a neck injury, as well as one contestant suffering a broken arm in the quarter finals. In the second episode of "Gladiators: The Legends Strike Back" female legend Scorpio suffered an ankle fracture while parcipitating in The Wall.

The original Gladiators will always have a place in the heart of the British nation, so let’s take this opportunity to copy and paste what was on Wikipedia to see where they are now. (Author's Note: This is taken word for word from Wiki. I did not construct any of the following sentences.)

Sharron Davies MBE won two gold medals at the Commonwealth Games and a silver at the 1980 Olympics in Moscow, but will be best remembered for her starring role as Amazon in Series 4 of Gladiators in 1996. Davies once lived with Neil Adams, who had won numerous Olympic and World Championship medals in judo, in a long term relationship until he left her suddenly to marry a hairdresser. Davies had a breast enhancement operation after the birth of her first child and her figure was the subject of much tabloid gossip during the 2004 Olympic Games.

Eunice Huthart will forever be remembered for winning Gladiators and then being invited to return to the show as a Gladiator herself, Blaze. She remains the only UK contender to ever become a Gladiator. Eunice made her first appearance on Gladiators in 1994, and went on to become the female series champion that year. In the Grand Final, she and Kerryn Sampey had an exciting Eliminator where Eunice fell down the Travelator twice. After going to International Gladiators, Eunice got a job working on the James Bond film, Goldeneye where she acted as a stunt double for Famke Janssen. She has since carved out a successful career doing stunts in films such as The Fifth Element, Titanic, The Avengers, and the Tomb Raider films. She doubles frequently for Angelina Jolie.

Diane Youdale, from Billingham, was best known for her role as Jet on the television series Gladiators. In April 2007 she appeared on the Trisha Goddard show on Channel Five, and in September 2007 she was correctly identified as a Gladiator on the BBC2 quiz show Identity. She also appeared on the Irish TV show The Cafe. A bulimic in her teenage years, Youdale now conducts Pilates classes at the weekend.

Judith ("Judy") Earline Veronica Simpson (née Livermore), is a former British heptathlete. She competed in three Commonwealth Games, 1982, 1986 and 1990, winning a silver, gold and bronze respectively in the heptathlon. She also competed in the heptathlon at the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow and in the heptathlon and long jump at the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. She was also the Three A's heptathlon champion in 1982 and 1983. In 1986 she won a bronze medal in the heptathlon at the European Championships in Stuttgart with a personal best points total of 6623. More importantly, between 1993 and 1996 she featured in the UK TV show Gladiators as Nightshade. She now has a brother called Earl Livermore.

Jaine Grace Omorogbe is perhaps best known as Rio on ITVs "Gladiators". Omorogbe is also the main motorcycle reporter for both The Sun and The Times newspapers.

Suzanne Cox was at one point a gladiator in the UK television show Gladiators. She went by the name Vogue. Most recently Cox has done some modelling, presenting a television show called The Fix and inspiring a computer game featuring an all-action cyberbabe called Silver. She also had a fashion shop ‘COR’ which she co-ran along with Saracen and former Gladiator Panther. Even with all this she has found time to record many fitness videos.

Warren Furman is best known for his role of Ace on on the British TV show Gladiators from 1996 to 2000. He is currently residing in York, England and working for his brother's loft-conversion company. He was also at one point engaged to model, Katie Price, better known as Jordan and has appeared on BBC TV show DIY SOS in Lowry Turner's team as a temporary replacement.

Michael Willson starred as Cobra on the British TV show Gladiators from 1992-2000. In the Gladiators, Cobra would not take himself too seriously, he would pull faces at the judges and the audience, wear wigs and do monkey impressions. Cobra is known for his high-kicks and splits upon entering the Gladiator arena at the start of each episode. He is also known as the joker of the Gladiators team. His practical jokes lighten the mood between the shows as filming can be very stressful. Although he is the joker in the pack, he is deadly serious when it comes to the events; as soon as he hears the call of 'Gladiators Ready', he is ready for action. He more recently visited the University of Dundee union to take part in some games with the students.

Mark Smith competed as Rhino on on the popular ITV show, Gladiators. Since leaving, Smith has appeared several blockbusters including 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy', 'Rollin' with the Nines' and an appearance as a 'Shadow Warrior' in the film Batman Begins. On 4th June 2005, at London's infamous York Hall, Smith went head to head with lottery winner Michael Carroll in a boxing match. The fight drew much publicity with the press conference ending in a brawl after Carroll lunged for Smith. On the day, the fight had to be stopped three times due to Carroll's inability to continue. The former binman later stated "I will definitely get back in the ring with him. I will train harder next time." The charity re-match took place at the Manchester Evening News Arena in September 2005. This time Carroll was knocked out in the 2nd Round.

Jefferson King played Shadow in the ITV show Gladiators. As his alias Shadow, he was legendary for his icy stare and his record in the 'Duel' event. He once hit his opponent so hard in the event 'Duel' that it clearly damaged the ends of the pugil stick. He also successfully served as captain for the Gladiators. He was dramatically sacked from Gladiators due to steroid abuse. This shock removal of one of Gladiators most well-known heroes brought home notion that no Gladiator was bigger than the show, however much their egos might suggest otherwise.

John Seru is best known as Vulcan in the Australian version of TV Series Gladiators, as well as joining the British Gladiators team in Seasons 7 and 8. He is also known for his part in the James Bond film, The World Is Not Enough, where he plays henchman Gabor. He was on the game show 'Chains of Love.'

Michael Van Wijk (born in Bombay, India, 30 September 1952), is most well-known for his role as Wolf on British TV endurance sports game show Gladiators, a role he held for seven years . According to a Sky One interview, producers refused to allow Van Wijk to be mean as a Gladiator, but he soon persuaded them to let him try it. This distinct persona led him to be the most popular Gladiator in the history of the show. He once stated on Gladiators that his favourite television show was Star Trek.  In the early 1990's Michael had an unsuccessful trial with Gillingham F.C. Van Wijk used to run a gym in Hayes in Bromley, London called 'Wolfs Gym'. Most recently he appeared on the Gladiators Legends Special where he took part in alongside Ace, Hunter and Trojan. But the standing ovation Wolf received when he reappeared in the Gladiator arena was said to have lasted for five minutes, holding up filming of the show and forcing producers to quieten the crowd.

The relationship between Hunter (James Crossley) and presenter Ulrika Jonsson was a tabloid focus during 1996 and 1997. The pair initially denied the affair, but later Jonsson admitted it in her 2003 biography.

After the Wembley live shows in 1993, Phoenix, Flame and Hawk were sensationally sacked from the show, having polled the lowest amount of votes in a magazine.

Michael Ahearne, better known as Warrior, was released from the show in 1998 after being arrested for a fire arms offence.

by Joel Abraham

It's Joel v Jack Round VII.

The score is currently Joel 5:1 Jack.

The new challenge is to name 10 players each who Arsenal might sign in January.

The prize, as always, is lunch at the prestigious Megabite Cafe.

Here are the shortlists:

Jack:

Mikel Arteta
Shay Given
Charles N'Zogbia
Edu
Gokhan Inler
Jimmy Bullard
Sylvain Distin
Michael Owen
Tuncay Sanli
Antonio Valencia

Joel:

Andrei Arshavin
Pape Diakhate
Steven Mouyokolo
Fabian Delph
Yohan Cabaye
Olivier Dacourt
Yaya Toure
Xabi Alonso
Steven Defour
Felipe Melo

The betting history is as follows:

Joel wins:

- Arsenal to face Fulham at the start of the 2007/8 season

- David Villa to score in the Emirates Cup

- Theo Walcott to score during the warm-up of Blackburn v Arsenal

- Stoke to score against Arsenal from a Rory Delap long throw

- Eduardo not to play a competitive game again in 2008

Jack wins:

- Will Smith is younger than 40 (the bet was made a couple of months before he turned 40)

by Joel Abraham

The South African courts have convicted Super Stevie England on charges of sabotage, as well as other crimes committed while he lead the movement against apartheid. In accordance with his conviction, Gerralt is expected to serve 27 years in prison, spending most of these years on Robben Island.

I for one shall not rest until the captain of the Beloved Reds is released, and until that day comes, I will not eat, drink, or sleep. I urge you to join me and show solidarity for our brother.

You'll Never Work Alone