by Joel Abraham

It's got to that point in the year when the crushing disappointment of your own team's mediocrity has become too much, and consequently your only understanding of whether or not you're pleased with the weekly results is through the conduit of Fantasy Football. Your team got battered, but it's okay, because Mikel Arteta got an assist. Halfway through the season, it's a good time to review.

-  Everyone has Stephen Ireland

I had him from the start because I'm excellent, but if you have him, keep him. It's just a question of parity. He is a frustrating FF player - he'll get one point for three games running, and then suddenly get 19. Don't get excited if he scores - whether he gets one point or 50, it's meaningless. The same applies for Bosingwa and Ronaldo, but they're both so expensive that they're not worth having anyway.

- Wigan players are great value

The defenders particularly - they cost from between 4.2 and 4.5, and Wigan have a good defensive record. Zaki looks like he might pick up again, and with him on penalty duty, he's worth the money.

- Don't pick Arsenal players

The defence is porous, none of the midfielders stand out, Adebayor is flaky and van Persie will never give you two good games in a row. You might fall into the trap of thinking "Clichy is a good player", but the defence as a unit is poor and rarely keep clean sheets. The one exception is Denilson. Now that Fabregas is crocked, Denilson is a guaranteed starter and is always good for the odd goal and assist, considering his price.

- There are only three Liverpool players worth picking

Liverpool are a FF nightmare. They don't keep many clean sheets, they have no consistent goalscorers, and they simply grind out results without anybody in particular excelling. Benitez messes around with the lineup so often that it's not worth getting anybody apart from Reina, Carragher and Gerrard. You might fancy someone like Skrtel, but even if he plays brilliantly and keeps a load of clean sheets, Benitez will inexplicably swap him for Hyypia after a couple of games. As for Reina, I've had him for the whole season with the superior Schwarzer on the bench, and the number of points I've lost as a result makes me very sad indeed. 

- Get on the Fulham defensive bandwagon

Schwarzer, Hangeland, Hughes, Konchesky and Paintsil will always start, so pick one and enjoy.

- Don't pick Anelka

Drogba's back, so they'll probably both stop scoring.

- Man City are good 25% of the time

They only play well at home, and when they win, they win big. It might even be worth benching them when they're away. Players like Ireland and Robinho will do brilliantly in every other home game.

- Don't pick Delap or Geovanni

I know you want to, just don't.

- Chelsea only keep clean sheets with Carvalho

So get him in there now.

- Don't pick any Villa defenders until Laursen is back

They'll probably ship goals until then.

- Get rid of all your Portsmouth players

Let's face it, they've gone a bit crap under Tony Adams.

- Keep an eye on Jason Roberts

Under Allardyce, he'll probably be the focal point of the attack. Their defenders may also start keeping clean sheets, but they're still too expensive to take a gamble on them yet.

by Joel Abraham

After His gutless teammates dumped Him in the middle of another footballing shitstorm, it was up to Stevie 'Wonder' Gerrard to do what He's done since the dawn of time. Yet again, Super Steve single-handedly dragged Liverpool, kicking and screaming, to a glorious home draw against Hull. GERRAAAARD!!

Stevie England does it again, saving the beloved Reds with two incredible tap-ins. What passion! Despite being two goals down to the mighty Tigers, the Christ-like Gerrard never ever gave up, showing He has the heart of a lion and the astonishing skills to match as He twice expertly slid the ball into an empty goal. 

He is easily the best footballer on the planet. Liverpool obviously deserved to win, and when the final whistle blew I vomited with rage at the sheer injustice of it all. What a travesty. Hull are cowards, and Super Steven Gerrard was only denied his richly-deserved hattrick by the powers of Satan himself.

Not even another superb cameo from Nabil El Zhar could save the day. Not even the introduction of Lucas, who helped add some much-needed width with his tricky wing play, which is why Robbie Keane couldn't come on, could get the three points.

But fear not. Beautiful, wonderful Liverpool will certainly be bringing the Premier League trophy home to the hallowed turf of Anfield, where it truly belongs. And when it does return, it will be held aloft by the gilded hands of the ethereal Gerrard, easily the greatest man alive. He will not rest until he has achieved His eternal ambition, and He will accomplish this by kicking the ball really hard from quite far away.

My children died recently, but thanks to Gerrard's two goals today, I have forgotten all about them and can't wait for Christmas.

Steven, thank you.

When it comes to England everyone has their opinion, whether it's shoehorning all the best players onto the pitch even if it means a lack of balance, or whether it's sacrificing star players for the sake of a collective identity.

Fitting together all England's best players 

James - Gerrard - Ferdinand - Terry - Cole - Walcott - Lampard - Barry - Cole. J - Rooney - Owen 

Balance for the sake of the team

James - Brown - Ferdinand - Terry - Cole - Walcott/W-Phillips - Lampard - Barry  - Cole.J - Heskey - Rooney

Obviously we need to find a safer pair of hands than David James, a world-class right back, and a role for Michael Owen. I would start Lampard ahead of Gerrard at the moment (despite Gerrard being a better player) because Lampard is in great form. I would eventually like to see a Gerrard - Barry axis in the centre. I still think a Rooney - Owen partnership has great potential (Euro 2004) but for the time being would be happy to start with Heskey with Owen on the bench.

What are you thoughts for the Belarus game? I would start Gerrard and Bridge on the left, with the rest of the team as from Croatia (bar John Terry)

 by Joe Walton

Watching England beat Kazakhstan this evening raised many questions but one stood out more than any other. What is Steven Gerrard for?

There simply isn’t a role for him in the England team. Even his biggest fans cannot place him in the team. Speaking on Football Focus, Martin Keown claimed he was a massive Gerrard fan and as such would have given him the England captaincy. Prompted as to where Gerrard should play against the Kazaks Keown answered “right-back.”

For a player routinely described as one of the finest midfielders in the world, that is just mental.

Now I know that versatility is desirable in a footballer, but in the case of ‘Stevie G’ this has proven to be a fault and not for the reasons that he claims. It is not because Gerrard is so good that he gets played out of position, rather it is that he is not a good enough central midfielder to claim the role as his own for club or country.

Even when he plays in central-midfield, his favourite position, Gerrard disappoints far too often. His pass completion today was woeful. He was terrible at supporting the front men. All of his shots were off target. He slowed down play. He did produce some good crosses and he did put in some good tackles. However, that’s not enough.

Compare him to his peers. He didn’t use the ball as well as Lampard or Barry. He didn’t attempt to take people on as much as Walcott, Rooney or either full back. He isn’t as clinical as Defoe or Rooney. Heskey was a bigger handful.

The Lampard–Gerrard debate has gone on for far too long for something so simple. You cannot slam 11 good players into a team and expect them to play well. Every team needs a system. Good as they may be, they do not fit into a midfield system together.

Lampard may suffer from too many of the same faults as Gerrard, most obviously an over-reliance on long range shooting, but ultimately he is less prone to individual faults. Lampard has played consistently well in a team which has grown. Gerrard has been inconsistently inspired in a team which has flitted between brilliance and anything below.

It is too easy to think of last minute Gerrard screamers and forget the unquestionable amount of damage he brings to the England team. It doesn’t matter how good he can be, it is how poor he has been recently that Capello, and the country should take into consideration.