An "interview" with Freddie Ljungberg, Seattle's newest soccer star

I couldn't make it back to Seattle on a days notice to ask questions at the Sounders FC press conference announcing new designated player Freddie Ljungberg, so like any noteworthy journalist I decided, screw it I'll just make something up. So without further ado, here is my "one-on-one" with the former Swedish team captain, Arsenal winger and Calvin Klein model, Fredrick Ljungberg:

Synthetic Turf: So Freddie... what brought you to the United States?

Freddie Ljundberg: It was time to try something new. I've played most of my career in the English Premiership and I didn't want to move to Spain or Italy and have to learn a third language... besides the Sounders agreed to pay me in Euros.

ST: You didn't consider playing in Scottish Premier League? They also speak English.

FL: Ha. It rains there too much. I'd much rather play here in the United States on the Pacific coast. Seattle is sunny like California... no?

ST: ...You've never been to Seattle before have you?

FL: No, but I have seen it on the TV. Land of Frasier and Starbucks....and the Tom Green song where he rubs his bum on the Swedish Hospital. Sexy...no?

ST: ...Moving on. You've played against Kasey Keller in the English Premiership, are you excited to be playing along side him now with the Sounders?

FL: Yes... America has so few people who are good at football, it is nice to play with one of them.

ST: Speaking of which, Americans have trouble sounding out words without enough vowels. Your name Ljungberg is pretty tough, have you thought about shortening it or getting a nickname?

FL: Well you have the player Dempsey who is called Deuce and the American Football star Chad Johnson changed his name to Ocho Cinco, but I was thinking I'd just stick with Freddie.

ST: That's kinda already taken by Freddy Adu.

FL: Hmmm... then how about Utsedda Spelare. It's swedish.

ST: What does that mean?

FL: "Designated player".

ST: You've also spent some time as a model. What's the hardest part of laying around while people take pictures of you?

FL: ...Choosing which international female super-model to take home each night.

ST: Touché... So do you have any plans to continue modeling?

FL: That is a reason for which I came to the United States. I saw Beckham in underwear on the side of all your city buses and thought "what is this? I am far more sexy than Beckham."

ST: Like Becks you also have a tattoo. I believe yours is of a panther climbing up from your waist. Explain the significance?

FL: Its significance is that I am a sexy panther.

ST: ...

FL: Raaaaaawr!

ST: I'm sure you are... You come from socialist Sweden, do you have any plans to share your new $2.5 million contract with any of your teammates who are making the $13,000 league minimum?

FL: Ha. They get paid more than that don't they? ...You're kidding, no?

ST: I wish I was.

FL: Hmmm... money isn't everything. Maybe I can introduce them to some Swedish girls instead.

ST: ...You've played winger most of your career? Do you plan to keep that position.

FL: I was thinking since we only have four players signed at the moment I would have to play a few other positions as well. Perhaps a mix of striker and winger... I'd call it Stinger.

ST: Interesting... would you be playing on the left side or right side?

FL: Yes.

ST: ...Well that's about all the questions I have... On behalf of Seattle soccer fans, Välkommen.

FL: Tack.

ST: ...

FL: That's "thank you" in Swedish.