With the Seattle Sounders FC inaugural season a little more than six months away we decided to get the dirt on what was going on and sent in a squad of trained spider monkeys to raid the team's front office... Sadly the snatch-and-grab mission was mostly fruitless returning only any empty tray of muffins, Paul Allen's hair piece and six bags of trash. However upon further inspection of the garbage we found this gem, a leaked memo detailing concepts for the teams new mascot. Enjoy:

Seattle Alliance Seattle Sounders FC Mascot Prototypes

CONFIDENTIAL: FRONT OFFICE ONLY

DO NOT SEND TO DREW CAREY (LAST TIME WE LET HIM IN ON THE CREATIVE PROCESS WE ENDED UP WITH A GODDAMN MARCHING BAND)

1. 'Sal' the Sockeye Salmon

Salmon might taste great, be able to swim in both salt and fresh water and do that flashy 'jumping through the fish ladder thing', but you have to admit they are one of the creepiest looking things in the water. In fact, Salmon are so intimidating that even the Victoria Salmon Kings minor league hockey team balk at the idea of having a salmon mascot and went with a fuzzy looking sea otter creature instead ...and hell, they're even named after the damn fish. So why not instill fear in the minds of opponents and go all out with Sal the Sockeye Salmon straight from Pike Place Market.

Rating: 6 of 10 fish sticks

2. The Wheedle

If you grew up in Seattle you probably already know about "The Wheedle on the Needle" children's book about the about a giant monster with a blinking nose that lives on top of the Space Needle. The big red creature, who looks like a Sesame Street reject, holds a place many Seattleite's hearts. Despite his odd, sexual-predator-like grin, the Wheedle already has a proven track record as the Sonics' mascot in late '70s and early '80s.

Rating: 4 of 10 restraining orders

3. 'Echo' the Orca

Used as the USL Sounders' logo in the '90s, a Killer Whale, or Orca, would be the go-to choice for the new Sounders FC mascot. If your knowledge of Killer Whales is limited to "Free Willy" and Sea World you, my friend, have a lot to learn. These beasts are the kings of the Sea.

Here are a few fun facts about Shamu's kin: An Orca has no known predators (even sharks don't mess with these things), they only rest half of their brains at a time (so technically they never sleep) and Orcas will often incapacitate and play with their prey before eating it. There's a reason they're called Killer Whales. The bonus here is that if a costumed mascot isn't enough, the team can ship a giant fish tank into Qwest Field and have a live Orca do flips at between play.

Rating: 9 of 10 Harpoons

4. 'Tuggy'

To avoid any sexual orientation assertions involved with making a Ferry boat mascot (Larry the Ferry?), Tuggy instead would represent the second most popular vessel on the sound, a tugboat. Although his wide body might make any mascot acrobatics end awkwardly he would be an imposing goalie in any mascot on mascot soccer matches.

Rating: 5 of 10 drunken sailors

5. 'Boom' the Sounder

I'm not really sure what a "Sounder" is, but I figure if it were a creature it would look something like the image here. Half Philly Phanatic, half Cookie Monster, Boom's gender-neutral, race-neutral, species-neutral facade would make him/her a safe bet if we're looking to avoid stepping on anyone's toes. And if Boom's gender-bending look confuses the fan-base, so what? It makes more sense than the Mariner's having a moose as their mascot.

Rating: 7 of 10 Muppet rip-offs

6. 'Boxy' the Xbox 360

After taking on Xbox Live as our sponsor and sporting an Xbox-green uniform, it wouldn't be a huge surprise to watch for us to throw in the towel, say, "to hell with it," and make our mascot a giant walking Xbox 360. As great of an idea as this may sound to the promotion hungry Microsoft execs, the last thing Sounders fans need would be to see their mascot become a boxy white video game console that's prone to crashing.

Rating: 2 of 10 Microsoft Zunes

7. Chief Seattle

How do you honor years of Native American tradition and create an homage to the cultures that cultivated the land thousands of years before others arrived? Well one way not to do it is by remaking one of their ancestors into a cheeky caricature with an over-sized head and decorative feathers you can pick up at a local craft store. If the Cleveland Indian's Chief Wahoo, has taught anything it's that history doesn't look kindly on mocking other cultures, especially for sport.

Rating: 3 of 10 Indian Casinos

8. 'Richy' McVenture Capitalist

Although this mascot might best represent Seattle, you can't trust Richy McVenture Capitalist. He may try to move your team to Tampa Bay or Oklahoma City... or maybe insist you play on fake grass because as your owner he also has a hand in one of the nation's largest synthetic turf companies.

Rating: 2 of 10 injuries cause by Astroturf

9. JP Patches

Seattle's preeminent clown and kid's show host clocked in over 10,000 hours on-air from 1958 through 1981... during most of which he was probably drunk. Clowns may cheer up crowds and bring a smile to people's faces, but Patches subversive comedy and experience as "Mayor of the City Dump" might not bode well for soccer, or for that matter any athletic competition in general.

Rating: 4 of 10 bottles of low-end scotch

10. Random Ball Shaped Mascot

Probably the fastest way to convince our fans we don't give a crap is to put some feet, hands and googly-eyes on a ball and call it a mascot. Mr. Met I'm looking at you. Something about it just doesn't ooze the fun and creativity a mascot should bring to the game. Besides, getting into in a giant soccer ball outfit just sounds like a recipe for getting kicked in the nuts.

Rating: 1 of 10 season ticket renewals