...well it was me.

But that doesn't mean that the skill-less, possibly lezzer types who play the beautiful game (badly) can't throw the odd Fellaini-esque elbow. And while the bizarrely afro-ed one tries to do it on the sly, this lovely lady ditches the subtlety in favour of all out in-your-gut elbowage. Twice.

It's late. I'm on the Easter Eggs. Man Utd are through and England look like they're conquering Europe again... This is, no doubt, good news - but for anyone sick of Champions League goals (and there have been a few over the last couple of days eh) - why not take a look at this hilarious bit of work from two magnificent UEFA stretcher bearers 'saving' a poor struggling player in his most difficult hour as he writhes helpless on the pitch.

Muppets!

Exactly!

So instead of remaining an anonymous non-League outfit, a few of their players decided to put their club on the map and get themselves embroiled in a little betting scandal. Four players put money on the opposition winning the last game of the season. A Bury player (for that was the opposition) decided to get himself a bit of the action, and put some cash down too.

Yeah whatever, few players bet a few grand. What's more revealing about the whole sorry affair is that while 4 of the chaps were throwing down amounts from £5000- £1000, one of them had a £5 accumulator. Poor fella must have been the boot boy.

More a message about the desperate state of the English non-League situation than anything else really. Carry on lads, your horse will come in one day.

We have a winner!

Brian Clough OBE (Opinionated But Excellent)

Jolly well done Julie Hinson. 

Julie, please send us an email: darksideoftheball@googlemail.com and we'll arrange for your most excellent prize to wing it's way to you.

It's been a while since we talked WAG, but that doesn't mean they haven't been busy.

Cheryl Cole's been climbing some hill, while Ashley threw a hissy fit at a copper, but now she's back she's telling us to leave him alone. Apparently he's 'not very strong and this is doing him no good at all'. And having your wife fight your battles for you makes you look like such a big strong man, Ashley? Seriously, maybe it's to detract from the *horrible* performance he put in last Wednesday for England.

Alex Curran has been spending more of Stevie G's hard-earned Scouse Dollars, and this time she's decided to get her kids involved. Taking your 5- and 2-year olds to...

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Don't say we didn't warn you Sven (we did, didn't we?)  But how long was your 'dream job' in Mexico going to last. Oh yeah, that's right, until they got bored of the novelty. Well, tough shit Sven, get to the back of the dole queue, cos you're NOT coming back to the Premiership. Who's gonna have you?

He's an abject failure. His record with Mexico is 6-6-1, playing teams like Canada, Honduras and Bolivia.

We all know what happened when he was in charge of England (cue cries of 'But we got to this Quarter Final and that Quarter Final). Frankly, when you're being paud a bazillion quid a year, I expect better. England should have cleaned up with a genius like that at the helm (he must have been a genius, how else could he...

Whether he's ready or not, capable or not, willing or not, the powers that be at St. James' Park today decreed in the best April Fool of the day to install Alan Shearer as manager until the end of the season.

I rejoice. For two reasons. Reason One - after a brief uplift in performance (maybe one match) they will slump to relegation, wiping that grin off the smug bastard's phizzog. Reason Two - Match Of The Day will once again become bearable and I will no longer have to see the crotch of his too-tight pants as he sits impossibly open legged next to Original Alan or Mark.

Oh. I thought of a Reason Three. All those shirtless Geordie fuckwits crying when their team goes down.

Nice one Newcastle, gave me a little chuckle over my Cheerios this...

She may have a dubious face and teeth that wouldn’t look out of place in a horse’s mouth – but ‘World class swordsman’ Cristiano Ronaldo’s new girlfriend is undoubtedly fit- as the buxom Brazilian slag, otherwise known as Gabriela, is a gym instructor.

Word is that the liaison has been progressing for nearly a month now, but a report in Spanish paper Sport, however, suggests the relationship will be meeting a swift conclusion, if the wishes of her father Jadson are fulfilled. You see, Gaby’s policeman father has taken exception to the Manchester Utd star, ordering him to “stay her from her and keep your hands off”. No mention of lusty cock th...

Well worth 41 seconds of anyone's time, if only to watch Teddy making a bit of a prick of himself raise the awareness of an important message